Wednesday, June 28, 2006
FROM: JOY JOSEE
RUE 6 BP 01 COCODY ABIDJAN CI
COTE D IVOIRE
I KNOW THAT MY MESSAGE WILL COME TO YOU AS A SUPRISE SINCE I DONT KNOW YOU IN PERSON OR MET WITH YOU BEFORE, BUT I AM OF THE BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD BE OBLIGED TO COME TO MY ASSISTANCE AFTER HEARING ABOUT MY SITUATION. IT IS HIGHLY REGREATABLE WRITING TO YOU NOW NOT MINDING THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT PAVADED AROUND ME HERE IN ABIDJAN. I AM JOY JOSEE,18 YEAR OLD GIRL, THE ONLY DAUGHTER OF LATE MR AND MRS.JOSEE MY FATHER WAS A VERY WEALTHY COCOA MERCHANT BASED IN ABIDJAN,THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL OF IVORY COAST BEFORE HE WAS POISONED TO DEATH BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES ON ONE OF THEIR OUTING TO DISCUSS ON A BUSINESS (yadda yadda etc. etc., you see where this is going, let's skip ahead to the juicy part - cb)...HE HAS A SUM OF US$ 9,500,000 (NINE MILLION> FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND, UNITED STATES DOLLARS) LEFT IN A SUSPENCE ACCOUNT IN A LOCAL BANK HERE IN ABIDJAN...DEAR, I AM HONOURABLY SEEKING YOUR ASSISTANCE IN MOVING THIS MONEY OUT OF THIS COUNTRY TO YOUR COUNTRY,AND I WILL GIVE YOU 20% OF THE MONEY INCLUDING 5% FOR ALL EXPENSES MADE ON THIS TRANSACTION. THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOU
(my reply - cb)
Dear Ms. Josee,
I am very sorry for the loss of your father, but boy oh boy am I ever glad you wrote to me! You see, I have heard there is much money to be made on the internet and have been looking for an opportunity just such as this to make a killing (no pun intended). Because honestly, the whole 9-to-5 thing just really isn't cutting it for me. My wife has been on my ass about a new swimming pool and my kids want iPods and there always seems to be some pain-in-the-neck money crisis going on. I'm sure it's the same in Abdjapan. Anyway, this could really set me up pretty nice. So please let me know ASAP how we can proceed in this matter.
Mr. Richard Fuchstich
Vice President of Company Matters
United Business Corporation, Inc.
2212 Blome Ave.
Sukadik, NY 10096
If this works out like I hope, I will be blogging from a solid gold computer with a diamond encrusted keyboard.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
** A short biography of DR. ROBERT H. GODDARD **
1882; Born in Worcestor, MA.
1889; Pops up 3-0 pitch with bases loaded, two out in 9th inning of Worcester "Li'l Shavers League" championship game. Coach refuses to buy him a chocolate phosphate afterwards.
1888-1898; Attends school in Boston.
1911; Boston Red Stockings scout Leland 'Fuzzy' Suggs files this scouting report: "R.Goddard: high school boy, weak hitter, poor range & mobility, throwing arm is suspect, makes poor tactical decisions, does not seem to have a grasp on the fundamentals of playing the game. Marginal prospect at best. Knows all about rockets though. I don't. What the hell is a rocket? No such thing exists!"
1912; Becomes first to explore mathematically the practicality of using rocket power to reach high altitudes & escape velocity.
1913; Released by Class C Hopkinsville (KY) Tobacco Stretchers for repeatedly failing to hit the cut off man.
1914; Awarded first two patents for rocket apparatus: U.S.Letters Patent #1,102,653 liquid-fuel gun rocket; U.S. Letters Patent #1, 103,503 a multistage step rocket. Named manager of Class D Clinton (IA) Rail Splitters. Starts #1 pitcher Doyle "Big Mucelage"
Lortigan on only 3 days rest against last place team. Lortigan injures shoulder, resulting in amputation by pre-Tommy John surgeons. Clinton loses pennant by 1/2 game. Goddard is fired. Lortigan dies broke and alone.
1915; Becomes first to prove experimentally that a rocket will provide thrust in a vacuum. Hired to manage Class E Mud Lake (MD) Girth Carriers. Franchise finishes last for the first time in 27 years, moves out of town. World's Fair committee decides that without baseball, event should be held in San Francisco instead of Mud Lake. Goddard is tarred, feathered and dragged out of town behind a team of oxen. Entire town of Mud Lake later contracts Polio and burns down (seperate incidents).
1917-1945: Develops the basis for the rocket weapon, later known as the bazooka. Publishes first U.S. basic mathematical theory underlying rocket propulsion & rocket flight. Develops first rocket motor using liquid propellants. Tests first rocket containing instruments. Develops first gyro stabilization apparatus for rockets. Becomes first to use deflector vanes in the blast of the rocket motor as a method of stabilizing & guiding rockets. Launches first liquid-propellant rocket which attained a speed greater than that of sound. Serves as director of scouting for Chicago Cubs, where he files the following report, "Perhaps one day a negro will play professional major league baseball, but I am quite certain it will not be this Jack Robinson fellow. He has no discernible athletic ability nor the strength of character to endure such an undertaking."
1945-present day: Chicago Cubs suck.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
You'll want to fasten that safety harness and hold on to your wigs and keys. Thanks and try to enjoy your trip (you won't).
The Big Move (TBM) is less than 48 hours away and I am at any given time less than 2 minutes from a full-blown panic attack (as opposed to the usual 5 minutes). What is it about TBM that has me in such a state? Yes, of course I have boxes packed, I have appointments (for movers and cable installer, etc.) scheduled, I have things paid for that need to be paid for (thanks to yet another life saving assist from...well, she know who she be). But guess what? When you're me, that's not enough because what if:
- I've forgotten some small-yet-essential detail?
- there's been an error in some of the paperwork?
- I'm making a huge mistake?
- even though I made a list and don't think I've forgotten something, it's still possible that I did, right?
- I'm making several huge mistakes?
- something goes wrong?
- I probably didn't forget anything. Right?
- I'm wrong?
- something doesn't go wrong...yet?
- I'm right about being wrong?
- Oh God, I know I've forgotten something!
- All of the above, at the same time, sped up 100mph played over and over and over again, iPod shuffle style, at top volume, backwards, in English, French and German. Weeeeee!!
Anyway, thank you for flying Clark International. Please remain seated until the uncontrollable shaking has come to a more manageable level, since it will never ever come to a complete stop. And remember, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't all out to get you.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
This is the last I'll mention it but here's some more stuff from yesterday's adventure at the Oldsmar Flea Market:
* There’s a stall there called “The Florida Survivalist”. If that in itself isn’t enough to make you shudder, consider that they were advertising that they carried a full line of ammunition and accessories for 50 caliber guns. Now, when I was in the Army, I remember we had rigging installed on some of our five ton trucks to mount 50 caliber machine guns, which was an exercise in futility according to a sergeant who had combat experience because he said the recoil generated by the firing of a gun that large would probably knock the truck over. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but one of the few things I did learn while in the service was that it was always a bad idea to challenge guys with combat experience.
* One store selling mailbox covers had over 200 designs. I think the only thing sadder than the fact that a market for mailbox covers exists in the first place is not being able to decide which design to use because there’s just so darn many to choose from.
* Another stall was named “Novelty Fishing and Hunting”. This conjured images of a stuffed dear head mounted on the wall with one of those wacky Steve Martin-style arrows through the head.
* Seeing that other people had given their stalls names like a regular store made me wish I had thought of doing that. I think I would have called mine “Here, YOU Throw It Away” in honor of the late Mitch Hedberg.
* A stall that sold socks (“Nothin’ But Socks”) had a sign that said “yes, we have socks for little people”. Now, I know they probably meant children, not midgets, but it made me think of midgets anyway and how lame a description ‘Little People’ is. Is that the best anybody could come up with? If you’re trying to update your image and be taken seriously by distancing yourself from a term that was basically a slur, does ‘Little People’ do the trick? I’m pretty sure if it were me, I wouldn’t want to be called ‘Little Person’ any more than I want to be called ‘Great Big Fat Ass’ now.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
ME: Come on, they’re only .25 each. You could give them as gifts to friends of yours who are baseball fans!
HIM (fake, sneering smile): I don’t think so.
ME: Well, anything I don’t sell is going to the burning.
HIM: What do you mean? What burning?
ME: These guys I know. They’re barbecuing some burgers, having some beers and burning some books later. I told them if I had anything left over, I’d bring them by.
HIM: These are books about sports. Why would you even want to burn these?
ME: It’s not my thing. It’s these guys. They just like burning them. They don’t really care what they’re about.
HIM: So you’re just going to burn books? That’s symbolic of fascism.
ME: I know! But what am I supposed to do?
HIM: What are you supposed to do? Give them away! Something! But you don’t burn books!
ME: Give them away?!? Ha ha! Do you see anybody else here giving anything away? I don’t think you get the concepts of commerce and free enterprise.
HIM: I think you’re disgusting.
ME: Whatever. So are you going to save these books or are you going to let an idiot like me just burn ‘em up?
HIM: Idiots like you shouldn’t be allowed to own books!
ME: Wow, now who’s a fascist?
He didn’t buy them and I was spent (it was hot out there). So I dropped off the last of the books at the VA hospital and went home.
But then I realized that I had gotten rid of six boxes of junk I wouldn’t have to haul to the apartment and had put $35 in my pocket in the process and I got over it pretty quickly.