Thursday, April 30, 2009
- Pretend I'm still asleep: "Huh? I thought you were joking. I'm still in bed."
- Tell her I'll be right down, but I'll actually already be down there, where I will jump out from between parked cars wearing a halloween mask.
- Ask her if she minds that I'm not getting dressed just for a quick jaunt to the airport and when she says "you mean dressed up?" say "No..."
- Not answer the phone. At all.
- Not answer the phone. At all. Call her three hour later and say "How was the flight?"
- Not answer the phone, watch as she gives up, leaves, and then call her 20 minutes later and say "I'm at your apartment! What the hell!"
- Not answer the phone and be lying face down in the street when she pulls in.
- Tell her "Come on up! Flapjacks are almost ready! Can't fly without flapjacks!" refuse to come down until she comes up and eats at least one. Not answer the door after she reluctantly agrees. Let her hear me inside, enjoying delicious flapjacks.
Decisions, decisons. I should have put some thought into this last night.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
'What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home'
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Following the recent passing of Beatrice Arthur, The Golden Girls are now down to only two surviving original members, just like their arch rival supergroup The Beatles.
The topic of which group's concert was a bigger pop culture milestone (Beatles at Shea Stadium vs Golden Girls at Altamonte) will forever be a subject of debate. What is not in dispute is the following collection of historical, comparative facts, most of which are entirely true.
Dominated pop music for six years between 1964 and 1970, Or eight years if you consider that they actually became big stars in the United Kingdom in 1962, two years before they made it big in America. In other words, six years.
Dominated Saturday night prime time television (was it on Saturday night or Friday night? I don't remember. Let's say Saturday night) for seven years between 1985 and 1992.
John Lennon was often referred to as The Intellectual One
Paul McCartney was often referred to as The Cute One
George Harrison was often referred to as The Quiet One
Ringo Starr was often referred to as The Luckiest Bastard On Earth One
Bea Arthur ("Dorothy") was often referred to as The Intimidating One
Estelle Getty ("Sophia") was often referred to as The Youngest In Real Life, Although Ironically Cast As The Oldest Character One
Betty White ("Rose") was often referred to as The Batshit Insane One
Rue McClanahan ("Blanche") was often referred to as The Hot (Oh, Don't Act Like You Don't Think So Too) One
Broke up because of money, creative differences, money, Yoko Ono, money and money.
Broke up when Bea Arthur decided she'd had enough of working on a sitcom and called it quits. And because of Yoko Ono.
Failed tributes in the form of countless shitty cover bands, most of whom can't even be bothered to cast a left-handed bass player.
Failed tributes in the form of a shitty spin-off called "The Golden Palace" and an off Broadway show called "The Golden Girls: Live!" which ran for about six months in 2003 until ordered to cease and desist by the tv show's producers.
Psychotic pop culture trivia tidbit: In 1970, Elvis Presley tried to convince President Nixon that the Beatles were a threat to America.
Psychotic pop culture trivia tidbit: In 1988, Quentin Tarantino appeared on an episode of "The Golden Girls" as an Elvis impersonator.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Here's a very nicely worded notice from the folks at K-Mart. Read between the lines and it says "Here. Go ahead and take one of our carts to haul your stuff around. We don't mind. We bought them for you to use. One thing though; is it too much to ask that you not be a dick and leave it here, in one piece, when you're done with it, please? Thanks."
And their yearning for something, anything (well, mostly groceries) to fill the aching, empty void inside of them.
Sound like anybody you know?
Sunday, April 26, 2009
(Many of our previously listed items are still available. Perhaps it's not to late to pick up a holiday gift for that special someone?)
Friday, April 24, 2009
In addition, the following conditions may or may not exist as well:
- 10 pm Friday to 3 am Saturday: Drivers traveling from any direction whose eventual destination is the Mons Venus should be utterly ashamed of themselves. Is that...is that a baby stroller in your back seat? Man, that's just sad. Not your finest moment, is it sir?
- 9 pm Friday: 1 to 2 (of 3) lanes will also close on southbound I-275 from Armenia Avenue to Lois Avenue, but only during even numbered minutes divisible by 7 and if your middle name has a U, but not an M, and/or the sum total of all single digits in your social security number add up to less than 55 but greater than 61.
- 10:23 pm Friday: The Ashley Drive/Scott Street exit ramps (Exit 44) in another dimension are made of rainbows and never, ever close. Cars are made of candy and are powered by dreams. Everybody is a rock star and a fashion model and a professional athlete and a wizard. This varies slightly from our dimension, where everybody is screwed, specifically everybody who thinks they want to access the Ashley Drive/Scott Street exit ramps (Exit 44).
- Early morning Saturday: Where do you think you're going? Yeah, I don't think so. Don't you get it? No driving! Go back inside your house and watch television until Wednesday. Go on now.
"Oh, but it's for your own good", it would say if it could talk but won't because it can't. Stupid jug. "The contents will spoil and drinking it could make you ill." Well, you know what really makes me sick? Mouthy beverage containers. First of all, is it May 5th or is it by May 5th? That's pretty important. That's a 24 hour window of ambiguity. You don't even know, do you? Stupid ass jug. Shut up already.
This is exactly how the robot armies of the future will enslave us. "We're doing this for your own good", they'll say, and they will because speech will be a very simple skill for them to master (they already have!). They'll lure us into a false sense of trust, masking their ever-reaching influence of domination behind care for our well-being and allowing us to grow soft under their coddling until our legs retract into our torsos or simply fall off due to atrophy. The next thing you know, they'll be loading our doughy Weeble bodies into trucks and driving us out to their pod farms. Oh sure, we'll bleat loudly in protest but that's all the resistance we'll be able to muster. Because, as I mentioned previously, we'll have no legs...and it stands to reason our arms won't be that much use at that point either, so we'll be able to neither fight nor flee. It will be too late. Our fate of spending the rest of our lives hooked up to brain-milking machinery will be sealed.
The time to do something about it is now! Fight back! Question authority! Don't let your lives be ruled by the plastic tyrants that spew their insidious fascism (along with calcium and vitamin D) from their pour spouts.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
(From WTSP.com) Greensboro, NC -- There was a bit of embarrassment during the Greensboro Grasshoppers' loss Tuesday afternoon.
Master Yogi Berra, a bat and ball fetching dog for the Class-A team, was ejected after relieving himself on the field during the fourth inning of the Hoppers 9-6 loss to Asheville.
A spokesperson for the Grasshoppers says that Yogi was attempting his usual between inning promotion of fetching a ball shot to deep center field. While running back to homeplate, he stopped and relieved himself on the field. This prompted homeplate umpire Jason Hutchings to eject the dog.
Owner Donald Moore says Yogi was not feeling well today battling a stomach virus. "When you gotta go, you gotta go," said Moore, the Grasshoppers' Team President and General Manager.
Yogi is believed to be the first dog ever ejected from a professional baseball game.
"Yogi's had a tough start to his season, and I hope this doesn't get him down. He clearly couldn't control himself out there. He's such a competitor and he wanted to do his duties as he's been trained," continued Moore. He left the ballpark in the 6th inning with the Team Veterinarian Jason Streck, of the After Hours Veterinary Emergency Clinic, and is listed as day-to-day.
"We all hope Yogi feels better soon and he returns to us ready to entertain our fans. You know, he's volunteering his time out there, so I hope he doesn't get fined too much (for his ejection). I don't know the Rulebook like the back of my hand, but apparently a dog can't do his business on the field. Let's hope this is an isolated incident, and Yogi can learn from this experience," said Moore.
I've seen one of the entries in this year's festival, Scott Balzer's documentary "The Farm Team", a behind the scenes look at a minor league baseball team's grounds crew. Here's the trailer:
As a minor league baseball junkie (I'm still bitter over losing the Tampa Tarpons and Al Lopez Field 20 years ago), I loved it. I asked Scott a few questions about the experience of shooting a film that celebrates the people who love doing the dirty (and dirt) work...
What's your background in regards to sports, specifically baseball?
I eventually realized I would never become a professional baseball player so I decided to be as close to the sport as possible by landing a job as a groundskeeper for three different minor league teams over the course of eight years.
What's your background as a filmmaker?
I discovered filmmaking in college while taking Intro to Film as an elective class. I knew right away this was my calling after completing the course.
Why did you choose to spotlight a minor league team?
I worked for the Mobile BayBears as the Assistant Groundskeeper for a few years and still know some of the personnel. I knew I would probably have full access to the grounds crew and the stadium. Also, with my background in minor league baseball I knew that these were the people I wanted to focus on since I'm well aware of the hard work and dedication these guys must go through to make it through the season with both a small crew and a limited budget.
There seems to be a level of devotion and loyalty among people who work in the minors that you don't see in major league sports. Why do you think that is?
I think it's the camaraderie you develop and the closeness with one another you make with your staff members that essentially keeps everyone focused and dedicated throughout a season in minor league sports. I also think it's the lack of egos and intimidation on and off the field that makes it an enjoyable profession to get into.
Do you know if anyone from the National Association of Professional Baseball Leagues (minor league baseball home office, headquartered in St. Pete) has seen the film?
I don't think so but hopefully someone (from the organization) will come out to the Sunscreen Film Festival and check it out.
How thrilled were you that you had rain on the fourth of July and would you have been able to complete the film without a tarp scene?
That rain was something I was after the whole time I was in Mobile. I went down in June of 2008 and it didn't rain once. So I returned that July and yes, I got a nice typical mid afternoon Mobile thunderstorm on the fourth of July. So yes, I was happy it was raining on a game day for once in my life.
Are groundskeepers wired a little differently than other people?
I think people in all kinds of professions are all wired a little different from each other. But I would say groundskeepers are a little more perceptive of the weather; morning, noon and night.
What's next for you and "The Farm Team" after Sunscreen?
I'm hoping to get into a few more festivals this summer and fall, mostly in the southeast. I'm also interested in making the film available for download online and/or DVD.
What's your next project?
Well, right now I've taken a full time job as a video editor but would love to do at least one feature film in my career. I'm interested in visiting minor league baseball again but something comedic and semi-self biographical based on my career working in the minors.
The 4th Annual Sunscreen Film Festival runs from April 29th to May 3rd at various venues in St. Petersburg. More information, including an event and screening schedule, and how to purchase passes and tickets is available by visiting the festival's official web site.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
If every US senator spoke for exactly three minutes each, how long
would their combined speeches last?
A) 100 minutes
B) 200 minutes
C) 300 minutes
D) 400 minutes
She had to use the "phone an expert" option and I had to use the "change the channel" option before I started playing "Who Wants To Throw A Hammer At My Television?". It's not that terrible that someone obviously has no idea how many US senators there are...okay, yeah, it's at least a little bit terrible...but if you can't find the one number out of four that is divisible by three, you don't deserve to earn minimum wage, let alone a million dollars.
Everybody else in the world has seen it and almost everybody in the world has made some sort of profound comment about not judging books by their covers. Personally, I think, once again, we need to get over ourselves because we're full of shit.
"This misshapen lump of gargoyle has taught me a valuable lesson about preconceived notions. From now on I will try to reserve judgment on aesthetically malevolent individuals until I can determine whether or not they possess some hidden, innate quality that pleases me."
Monday, April 20, 2009
"After becoming convinced tbt* was stealing his material, Cowhead asked
listeners to snag copies of the St. Pete Times’ faux alt-weekly and bring
them to his studio. The audience responded, burying the DJ in zippy
newsprint. Cowhead called in mobile paper disposal company Shred It, who
reduced the paper piles to recyclable pulp."
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org [Errors when replying to ads?]Date: 2009-04-19, 8:32PM EDT
I have a whole set of cups from the St. Pete Times Forum, collected during the most recently completed hockey season. I don't mean four of one kind of cup, I mean one of each kind of cup in which beverages are served. There's a coffee, a small soda, a medium soda, a large soda, a small beer and a large beer (they call the small a medium but how can there be a medium if there's no small?). That's six cups, all different yet all the same in that none of them are dishwasher safe (you're going to want to remember that). All cups were collected by me, walking up and down the aisles after Lightning games. I then rinsed each of them out in the men's room and let them drip dry on the way home. What better souvenir to commemorate a season that made people want to drink? If you act now, I'll throw in a couple of popcorn tubs for free! Cash, checks, money orders all ok. FREE DELIVERY!
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
LAST WEEK'S ITEM: Custom personal portraits
No responses. Sometimes, people just recognize crap for what it is...and still don't buy it.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
That's right, folks. Organized Religion, the one societal institution that has never, ever failed mankind in any way shape or form, has it allllll figured out for us:
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I don't have much else to say because I feel like all the teabag and various other testicle related jokes have been used. Even FreedomWorks Foundation (the group behind these things) spokesman Adam Brandon got in on that action when he said, "We know of about 600 (similar events) around the country today, and that's low-balling it." So I'll just leave you with a stimulating package of pictures I took while I was there.
Seriously? No lemon? None? Like, a little bit didn't just, you know, get squeezed in there, maybe by accident or something, somehow? I mean, it's not like lemons are all that hard to come by or anything. There could have been a couple just laying around the plant and...
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Are there...um, any jokes? Because I don't see any here. Seriously. I'm not trying to make a political statement. I just didn't see any jokes. On most comedy tours, something funny happens. I didn't even see any attempt to be funny in this clip. I'm not a fan of Jay Leno, because I don't think he's funny, but at least I know when he's trying. If I saw an ad for "The Jay Leno Comedy Tour", there would be jokes that I wouldn't laugh at but there would be jokes.
All we get here is Glenn Beck referring to himself as "crazy" and sort of implying something wacky will happen and there are shots of him being animated on stage, wearing a "got milk?" tee shirt. Is that the crazy wackiness he's talking about? Because this kind of seems more like a character Fred Willard would play in a Christopher Guest movie about an unfunny person who thinks they are a comedian than, you know, an actual comedian. Buying a ticket to a "comedy tour" based on this trailer makes about as much sense to me as patronizing a steakhouse whose ads don't even show you a picture of a cow.
The network has picked up the reality (show) "Someone's Gotta Go," which enters real businesses across the country and gives employees the power to decide which one of them will be terminated...Each episode will revolve around a different small business -- usually one with 15-20 employees -- that has been forced to make staff reductions because of the sour economy.
The company's books will be opened up to the employees, who will learn what everyone makes and what's in their human resources files. Employees will also get a chance to say, face to face, what they really think of one another.
Ultimately, the employees will vote on who should be terminated. That person will likely receive a small severance, but that's it. --Variety
It's a show. Get it? You're supposed to come home from work (if you're lucky), plop down on the couch and be entertained by watching this. Ha ha ha ha!!
"It's 'Survivor' meets 'The Office'," squealed reality tv programmer Mike Darnell of Fox, who has apparently never seen 'The Office' or heaven help us all if he ever catches a glimpse of 'Schindler's List'.
"I feel that it's part of the times that we are living in," Darnell, believed to be a limbless, scaly being who secretes a foul smelling oily discharge as he slithers about, said. "It's certainly no worse than watching the news every night and hearing all the statistics and watching what is happening," upholding Fox's long held philosophy that it's those people watching television in an effort to be informed about current events and issues that affect their lives who are the real degenerates.
The show is being produced by Endemol USA, the company behind 'Big Brother,' 'Deal or No Deal' and 'Fear Factor' among other cultural masterpieces designed to give a gentle shove to a society that just isn't flushing itself down the toilet fast enough. "We're always trying to find the next thing that is topical and timely in the zeitgeist," said Endemol North America chairman David Goldberg, presumably from atop a throne constructed of flaming kitten skulls. "What could be more current than the financial crisis and dealing with the realities of losing jobs? This is an extension of that real-life experience." It's believed he then paused briefly to spit venom in a toddler's eyes before using his hairy tail and leathery wings to trip an old woman walking down a flight of stairs.
Have the two masterminds thought about responsibility? You bet they have! "We've consulted with labor attorneys and have covered all of our bases," Goldberg said. "We've got an employment expert and business consultant to work with us through this process. There is a professional involved that brings the show an element of credibility." Well of course lawyers and credibility consultants have been involved. But what about what's left behind at these companies after the show is over? What about the fallout in a workplace afterwards, where employees are going to be expected to work together as colleagues after they tried to get each other fired on national television? "Sounds like good reality television," Darnell says.
Hmm, I don't know. It seems like the greater good would be better served by some kind of reality show that is topical yet offers a far more uplifting resolution in the end. I'm talking of course about MY new reality show, 'Who Wants To Donkeypunch A Millionaire?'
Monday, April 13, 2009
My friend Brenda invited me to her daughter Alex's wedding this past Saturday (both Brenda and Alex are members of Team Daddy-O Alley Katz) and I had a blast!
I didn't know that many people there and I explained to people I met that many of my friends are writers, artists and musicians, and since it was Saturday night, they were probably working their normal shifts at various bay area restaurants. As for me? I told them that unlike my friends, most of whom have made just terrible, awful, horribly misguided life choices, I was, in fact...
- An archaeologist
- A paleontologist
- A radiologist
- An astrophysicist
- An afrophysicist
- A hostage negotiator
"Hey guys, if we don't want to wait for them to finish posing for pictures before we start eating, there's, like, almost a whole loaf of bread right here. I'm serious! Remember when the bride and groom each had just a tiny piece while that guy was talking during the ceremony? Well, they just left it here! There's even a mostly full glass of wine! Huh? I should come and sit down? But what about the...? All right. Okay."
Anyway, like I said, it was a wonderful evening. Thank you, Brenda and Victor and best wishes and congratulations, Alex and Jon!