Friday, July 27, 2012

The answer to America's obesity epidemic has been in front of us the whole time!

Never before have so many Americans been so fixated on eating healthy. And yet, never before have so many Americans been overweight. What gives? How is this possible? I think I know.
Study this picture of a backyard get-together from America's Golden Age (aka, that period between black people being allowed to enjoy baseball and Nixon being elected president) for 15 seconds and if you don't guess the answer yourself, scroll down and I will tell you...

Did you figure it out?
Okay here it is...
Food used to look like shit!
Pre-poured beers, sitting there getting warm. A couple of tureens of mottled yellow goo. Pale red tomatoes, paler green...whatevers, palest people eating them. Hell, those brown globs sitting on giant pieces of iceberg lettuce might actually be actual pieces of shit! For that, people would dress up nicer for a backyard barbecue than people do now for an opera performance. 

Here, look at this. This is what food looks like today...

Everything you see here will kill you. But only because you want to eat everything here. All of it. Even the stupid green beans look delicious. There is nothing in that picture you wouldn't stick in your mouth. Now look back at the picture from when everyone was hot. Everything you see there will make you want to kill yourself. It's not even interesting looking. Nobody got fat because nobody wanted to eat any of it. And don't let the presence of a handful of under-ripe vegetables and the world's saddest plate of onions fool you. That stuff wasn't good for you. People back then cooked with butter and mayonnaise the way we cook today with, okay, well, butter and bacon...but you get my point, hopefully. It just didn't matter how the food was prepared or even how it ended up tasting. Most of it never got eaten. Maybe a nibble here and there to be polite because your hostess looked like a movie star and deep down you hoped that if you were nice, you might get a chance to sleep with her or do some other awful thing to her, but nobody ever actually wanted to load up a plate with that stuff and chow down.
Need more proof? Oh, I've got it...

Looks like we've got two hunks of rice or some kind of dressing that congealed overnight in the bottom of a casserole pan, separated by a layer of shaved meat, boiled egg slices and peas. On top, to make it "pretty", some more eggs, a tomato slice, green olives and a sprig of parsley. It's all served up on a bed of orange slices and more green olives. Nobody's ever going to ask for seconds of this. Which is kind of ironic. because it probably tastes just as "good" when eaten as leftovers.

These are doll vaginas pear halves with a dollop of mayo and some cherry tomatoes. And this is a dessert, a treat you're supposed to enjoy after you finish eating dinner. Is there a better reason to not join The Clean Plate Club?

Whatever this is beyond some sort of slurried tuna or chicken or garbage (oh wait, it says "pork" right there...whatever) baked into an utterly colorless loaf, it's what you serve your family when you want them to know that you don't love them anymore but mere words just can't make that point strongly enough.

Remember those kids in the lunchroom when you were in grade school who would take the leftovers from their lunches and mix it all together in an attempt to gross people out? They'd start with some corn or peas, squish those into a pulpy paste, toss in some pudding, crumble up a cookie, add salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard, and then pour chocolate milk all over it. Hilarious. Back when those kids were allowed to live past the age of ten, they would eventually grow up and go on to work for Spam, Inc.

You think that's a cake, don't you? The shape, the size, what looks like a delicious buttercream frosting. All those things make you want to believe it's a cake. But your eyes do not deceive you: those are wedges of summer sausage or pepperoni, tomato slices and a whole shitload of more green olives. There's no telling what's underneath all of that. Hunks of an old mattress. Mouse meat. Definitely some more green olives. Still wanna stick a candle in that thing and sing Happy Birthday?

If you had to visualize sobbing uncontrollably while giving a drunken birthday clown with a prosthetic leg a handjob in the restroom of a Greyhound bus station very far away from your home as some sort of food item, this is what you would see.

I appreciate them cutting this one open, because the cross section shows us exactly how to whip this up in our very own dream kitchens. First, take four large sausages and jam them into a giant brick of cream cheese, coated with macaroni and just enough cheese to legally call it that. To top it off, pour some ketchup across the top diagonally and decorate it with green olives (Was there a time when olive farmers were the most powerful men in America? Did the members of the Big Olive cartel turn against each another and destroy themselves in a hail of bullets and pimento strips?). If it looks like the medal emblazoned sash of a Girl Scout or the archduke of one of those small European countries where goats are treated both better and worse than you'd expect, you did it right. Pour the remainder of the ketchup around it on a plate like the blood that pools around a suicide victim who cuts his wrists in the bathtub. Who's hungry now? That's right. Nobody.

That's my theory. I would start preparing this stuff at home to test it but I'm afraid if I purchased these items together at the grocery store, a hotline would ring at some government office and I'd be arrested in the parking lot.

1 comment:

Tom said...

Glad your back!