Monday, February 16, 2015

Vape-id


Have you heard of vaping? It's the use of so-called e-cigarettes or other devices that produce a "vapor" instead of noxious cigarette smoke. It's also the newest trendy thing that exists that I hate. Look, I get most of the reasonable arguments. 
  • It's better than smoking tobacco. Great (although, is it?). 
  • It helps people kick the tobacco habit. Even better.
  • That's it. That's enough.
Those things are fine. I don't have a problem with any of that. Tobacco is nasty stuff and whatever it takes for people to free themselves of being addicted to it and all the shit that comes with that is a positive alternative. Of course, as is always the case, it's actually the human beings doing it that I hate. And as usual, I have a case in point...

I was at the Double Decker lounge in Ybor Tuesday night, seated at the corner of the bar, minding my business. The woman sitting next to me pulls out her apparatus, does whatever you do to fire it up, takes a hit and emits a huge, billowing cloud of what smells like cotton candy that just rolls over me. It was so thick I couldn't read the papers in my hand. Before I could object, she says, "Don't freak out or anything. It's not smoke, it's vapor." Like this new technology and the benefit it provides to the user is somehow beneficial to me, as though she's doing me a favor. That's great. It's vapor? Terrific. You know what else is vapor? Smoke. That's right, smoke is vapor. hey, you know what else is a vapor? A fart. How about if I climb up on the bar, get down on all fours with my sphincter pointed directly at your face and just blast away? Don't freak out or anything. It's just vapor!
About this time, the guy sitting on the other side of me got all excited and pulled out his vape machine, "Hey, you vape? Me too! I vape!" and started vaping. Fog rolled through from both sides as they had a conversation that sounded like this...
"I love vaping!"
"Vaping is the best!"
"I vape all the time."
"I'm constantly at the vape store."
"The guys who work at the vape store know me."
"They love how I love vaping!"
"I love vaping at the vape store!"
"I vape vaping when I vape vape."
"Vapity vape vape!"
"Vape vape vape vape vape vape vape vape vape vape!"

I don't blame their vape hobby; I'm sure they were that dumb before. But it can't be helping.
Oh well. In five years, this will be yet another one of those impossibly dumb fads that people will look back on with regret and I'll be able to smugly say it never sucked me in.

1 comment:

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