Memes suck

Memes suck for lots of reasons. The main being that most of them just aren't that clever or funny.

That's literally a list of things I need to pick up at the store on a picture of Willy Wonka, but there are people who will laugh at that just as a conditioned response. Because for some reason, some people have come to believe that words + a picture of Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka = Hilarious. I don't see it, but whatever. Humor is subjective and to each their own.

Worse are the ones that are conceptually and/or factually inaccurate. Like this one:

I get it. Of course I get it. It's an allegory, in which dogs represent men and how absurd it is that they're in positions of power when it comes to making decisions and setting policies for cats (women) and their healthcare. Where it falls down is that these are dogs. Dogs are compassionate, loyal and selfless. They are certainly not analogous to the male bureaucrats this meme is attempting to skewer. I'm not a woman and therefor unqualified to speak on their behalf, but I actually can't think of anybody who wouldn't benefit from these dogs looking after their healthcare. Look at them! So attentive. So eager to please. They want nothing more than the opportunity to make you happy. What other "public servants" can you say that about? Rex and Jingles even brought note pads! These are good boys!
See? This meme sucks.

Do what Renee say!

Hi there. My friend Renee Warmack recently wrote these very nice words about me on Facebook...

"I firmly believe in encouraging others and asking for support when I need it.Thus, here's a shoutout to my dear friend and gifted writer/comedian Clark Brooks:He is OFTEN hosting at Sidesplitters and doing his thing all over Tampa Bay (see his gigs here):http://www.clarkbrooks.com/events.htmlWords can't express how proud I am of him and how much I appreciate his love and support.As artists, we have to grind out each day at a time and stay true to our craft, amid obstacles.Clark embodies this and inspires me all the time through his example.Go see him tell jokes! He will make you forget about the baby giraffe and help you enjoy life!"

While I don't want you to forget about the baby giraffe (NEVER forget about the baby giraffe!!), I do want you to follow her advice (she generally has very good judgment on things) and come see me tell jokes, when you get a chance.

What do you know, here's your chance! I'm hosting for a couple of different headlining comedians at Side Splitters Comedy Club in Tampa again this weekend! Here's the schedule:

• Thursday, March 30, 8:30 PM - Vic DiBitetto
• Friday, March 31, 8 PM - Vic DiBitetto
• Friday, March 31, 10:30 PM - Ken Miller
• * Saturday, April 1, (4:30 PM) 6 PM - Ken Miller, special benefit performance (see below)
• Saturday, April 1, 8 PM - Vic DiBitetto
• Saturday, April 1, 10:30 PM - Vic DiBitetto
• Sunday, April 2, 7 PM - Ken Miller

ABOUT THE HEADLINERS

"An incredibly powerful performer, comedian Vic DiBitetto churns energy, honesty and humanity into nonstop laughter. His pace is frenetic. His material vivid and true. He’s been called a cross between Rodney Dangerfield and Ralph Kramden. The bottom line is, DiBitetto leaves his audiences breathless with laughter.

Referred to by most other comics as a “killer”, it means you just can’t follow Vic onstage. And that has been uttered by many very famous stand-ups over the years... Vic has appeared on television's America's Funniest People (ABC) where he was a $10,000 Grand Prize winner as well as Stand-Up Spotlight (VH1) and Last Laugh at Pips and acted in a pilot with Woody Allen and Danny Aiello. In addition, he has warmed-up hundreds of audiences for hit shows such as Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and The Ricki Lake Show.

Vic has performed at many of the nation's best comedy venues such as New York City's Dangerfield's, Los Angeles' Laugh Factory, Las Vegas' Riviera Hotel, Resorts World Casino and Atlantic City's Borgata Hotel. His schedule is relentless and he is booked thru 2015 at every comedy venue imaginable in the New York Tri-State area. A Pay Per View special and major US Tour are in current discussions." - https://vicdibitetto.net/home

"Ken Miller is just PLAIN OL'FUNNY. In just a few short years he has stormed thru the ranks of comedy. From mcing, featuring to headlining. He has become one of the funniest comics in the state of Florida. He was the 2009 Comedy Central South Beach Comedy Festival winner beating out 88 other comics. After finishing 2nd two years in a row, he finally won the 2013 Florida’s Funniest Comedy Competition beating out over 200 comics. He was chosen to compete/perform in the 2011 Laughing Skull Comedy Festival/Competition in Atlanta, GA, World Series of Comedy in Las Vegas in 2012 and The Great American comedy festival in 2013. Ken was recently seen on NICKMOMs, MOMS NIGHT OUT on NICKJR." - http://www.kenmillerthecomic.com

* The 6 PM show on Saturday is a fundraising benefit for the Wiregrass Ranch High School baseball team (I think I might be the official comedian of Wiregrass Ranch High School), with a portion of all tickets sold going to that program. There will be activities in the lounge beginning at 4:30 with the show starting at 6.

Tickets for all of these shows are on sale now and everything happens at

Side Splitters Comedy Club

12938 North Dale Mabry in Tampa

(813) 960-1197

Ah, the rewards of a life in professional stand-up comedy!

People often (and by "often", I mean "have never once felt the desire to ever") ask me, "Clark, what's the very best. most wonderful thing about being a professional entertainer person doing stand-up comedy?"

"Is it your name in lights?"

Or chalk, in very small print, near the bottom of the board, as the case may be

"Is it performing in front of huge crowds?"

"Is it having an appreciative audience listen attentively to your every word?"

"Is it having the respect and admiration of your peers?"

NOTE: That's Josh Santos on the left. That is NOT me on the right, believe it or not.

"Is it the glamorous travel?"

"Is it being constantly surrounded by pretty girls?"

Actually, that happens VERY rarely, but when it does, yeah, that's pretty great.
Okay, it happened once.
But it was pretty great.

Believe it or not, it's actually none of those things. It's this:

This is a thank you letter I received for being part of a line-up performing at a fundraiser for a high school's music program a couple of weeks ago. No money, but a I got to perform for a bunch of nice people who showed up to enjoy themselves and then I got this letter on the way out. Perfect!
It probably sounds corny, but it's 100% true: human beings conveying positive feedback (preferably in the form of laughter, but letters are nice too) is the best thing about doing comedy. 

Just kidding. It's the pretty girls.

That really was pretty great.

The End is near

I've mentioned here previously how much I love Ellen Mueller (due in large part to the fact that she's a mad genius) and her art and how much I enjoy participating in her projects.

"Ellen Mueller has exhibited nationally and internationally as an interdisciplinary artist exploring issues related to the environment, hyperactive news media and corporate management systems. She creates experiences that engage with social and political issues through a variety of media." - http://ellenmueller.com/

Now, here's an opportunity for you to be involved in her latest project:

"The End"
Four artist researchers are gathering individual views on the end of the world, both on a global and a personal scale. This information will be compiled into a pocket guide, available as a limited edition artist's book produced by Small Craft Advisory Press.

All you have to do is click this link: http://scap.art.fsu.edu/the-end/ and answer the four questions.

Welcome to being art!

Look at the size of that thing!

The other night, I was at her house where we worked on re-vamping her web site. It was very late and as I was getting ready to leave, she asked, "Do you want some cooties?" What I thought was, "Yeah I want some cooties! Your cooties? Absolutely, I want them! Gimme every germ you got!!" What I said aloud was more like, "Uhh, erm, huh?" And she said, "Do you want some Cuties?". Turns out she hadn't offered me her cooties. She had actually offered me a bag full of 'Cuties', which are tiny, seedless oranges grown in California.

Actual size

"Q: What is a CUTIE®?
A: CUTIES® are actually two varieties of mandarins: Clementine mandarins, available November through January; and W. Murcott mandarins, available February through April. CUTIES® have several distinct characteristics that make them the perfect anytime, anywhere snack. Unlike other mandarins or oranges, they are seedless, super sweet, easy to peel and kid-sized—only a select few achieve CUTIES® ’ high standards." - http://cutiescitrus.com/faq/

I ate two of them on my way home and they just might be my new favorite thing. They're about the size of a ping-pong ball and as easy to peel as it is to unwrap a Tootsie Roll or a Jolly Rancher. They're bite-sized oranges, fer cryin' out loud! They're great!

Although, if I'm being completely honest, I'd rather have her cooties instead.

Lent-ish

Today is the first day of Lent '17!

"Lent (Latin: Quadragesima: Fortieth) is a solemn religious observance in the liturgical calendar that begins on Ash Wednesday and ends approximately six weeks later, before Easter Sunday. The purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer through prayer, doing penance, repentance of sins, almsgiving, atonement, and self-denial. This event is observed in the Anglican, Eastern Orthodox, Lutheran, Methodist, and Roman Catholic Churches."

and

"In Lent, many Christians commit to fasting or giving up certain types of luxuries as a form of penance. Many Christians also add a Lenten spiritual discipline, such as reading a daily devotional or praying through a Lenten calendar, to draw themselves near to God."

Me, I use it as a sort of discipline challenge: what can I give up for forty days that would be difficult and therefor, allow me to celebrate how awesome I am for going through it when it's over? Last year, I did without meat of any kind and that went pretty well. Until the first time I had some afterward and immediately experienced a severe case of meat bloat. I had just a reasonable portion of roast beef for dinner prior to a Lightning game and it made me feel like this...

All I wanted to do was lay down right where I was and sleep for three days. It was an awful feeling and I never want to go through that again. This actually turned me off eating meat in general and now, with ocassional exceptions fueled by ill-advised cravings and primitive pre-wired inclinations, I really don't eat it much at all anymore.
Coming up with this year's Lent challenge has been a challenge. What can I give up that will be a sacrifice and will test my stamina and discipline?

MEAT - Fun! Last year (as stated above).

SODA - Too late. I'm already off Coke, Pepsi, etc.

CANDY - I can't remember the last time I ate candy.

SOCIAL MEDIA - Tempting! Not exactly a sacrifice though.

HER - No. Absolutely not. Can't. Won't.

SPORTS WRITING - Too easy, because it would mean not having to associate with sports writers. I love sports. I love writing. But I really dislike most sports writers (old white men who sit around and swap stories about the 1987 NFC Championship and what a swell guy George Steinbrenner was or whatever). The other day, I had the distinct displeasure of listening to one of them complain about having to sit through four innings of a spring training baseball game. Ugh. 

PIZZA - Hmmm. Okay, yeah. I guess I'll do pizza. Here's hoping I don't come out on the other side never wanting to eat it again. Not exactly a spiritual penance, but as stated above, that's not really why I'm doing it. So, okay then. Pizza. All right.

Let Lent '17 (40 days sans pizza) begin!!