Butt seriously...

The other night, the subject of BUTT PLUGS came up in casual conversation. Don't ask me why, it really isn't important. Honestly. No big deal, actually. Other than the fact that it kept me up very late thinking about it. And after all that thinking, I've decided that I don't want any. I know the holidays are coming up and many of you have started your shopping lists, so I'm sorry if I'm throwing a kink (ha!) into your plans by saying "Please don't get me a BUTT PLUG; I probably will not use it". So just cross the words "BUTT PLUG" off your list when you come to my name, please.
Although, I do have to say, to some degree, I appreciate any object whose purpose and instructions for use are so clearly defined in it's name. I mean, if you say "bulldozer" or "oven mitt" to someone, it is possible that they may need some explanation of what you're talking about and how it works. That's not a concern with BUTT PLUGS. Simply say the words "BUTT PLUG" to someone and they should instantly have a pretty clear idea of what is going to happen and where it's going to take place ("Why?" may be a question that needs to be addressed at some point, though that's not important for what we're discussing here). I do appreciate that absence of ambiguity.
But (and by 'but' I mean 'however', not 'ass') with all that being said, I'm going to opt out on this one. So you may feel free to skip the following fine retail establishments from consideration when shopping for gifts for me:

• Butt Plug and Beyond
• Yankee Butt Plug Company
• B. Uttplug's
• ButtPlug Crafters (Custom Butt Plugs in about an hour)
• Butt Plug Depot
• Cinn-A-Butt Plug
• Every Butt Plug's A Dollar!
• Assy McSphincter's Ye Olde Buttpluggery
• The Gap

Thank you.