Happy New Year

All through the house, 'twas the eve 'fore '09,

All the creatures were stirring, man, woman, bovine.

The mission was simple; an epic pub crawl,

to down as much booze before hearing "Last call!"

To get myself psyched up, I listened to rap,

And put on my favorite backwards baseball cap.

The car keys were hung by the tv with care,
Cops don't like drunk drivers, no mercy to spare.

I would be walking, no, stumbling more apt.

And wouldn't come home home 'til my wallet was tapped.

When out in the yard there arose such a ruckus,

I looked out the window and said "what the fuck is..."

But my query was cut off, halfway out my throat,

When I saw parked in my yard what looked like a boat.

A salty old pirate came scuttling out,

"I'm Captain Morgan!", he announced with a shout.

"You've been invited to come join my crew!"

That pop that you heard was my mind when it blew.

I couldn't believe it. My brain playing tricks?

Or another dumb prank by my friends, who are dicks.

That's when he called out to the rest of his gang,

"Come show yourselves", and their names he then sang;

"Now, vodka! now, whiskey! now, Thunderbird vino!

Some applejack brandy with San Pellegrino!

Margarita, Rumrunner, Long Island Iced Tea

Fuzzy Navels, Martinis, now come follow me!

Budweiser, Michelob, Miller Lite, Coors!

And other shitty domestics, if I didn't mention yours!"

This was amazing, my best dream come true,

Of course I would join this fabulous crew!

But before I could answer, what to my eyes did appear?

Great, big, ol' wet spots on my jeans, front and rear.

I said, "Uh-oh, this ain't right. What is the matter?"

And found my hand submerged in a bowl of warm water.

I raised up my head and I looked in a mirror.

On my face, penned in Sharpie, it said, "Insert balls here".

The crew and the Captain were laughing at me.

"Oh gross", one of them said, "He slept in his own pee!"

I squinted my eyes so I could focus on them

And saw no captain or ship; just my own so-called friends.

While they took turns laughing and being disgusted at my state,
I mumbled "Izzit NewYear?" They said "Dude, you're too late."

It turns out I got drunk, passed out hours ago.

Slept right through the damn thing, missed the whole Dick Clark show.

I couldn't believe it, the whole thing was a dream

Never should have mixed tequila with Baileys Irish Cream

I pulled myself upright and promptly puked up some beer.

and said "Keep laughing, you assholes. I'll get you next year."