Life on Mars

Temperatures on the planet Mars can range anywhere from 80° F to -200° F, depending on where you are, the time of day and the time of year. That is almost exactly what it's like in Tampa these days and I'm not even exaggerating. We're supposed to be crazy hot year 'round, except at this time of year when we're supposed to get cold snaps that last for a week or two that bring the temperature down to the 60s, 50s or even lower. This year, we're not getting cold snaps, we're getting cold teases. It's like you open your door and say "oh, it's a tad chilly out. I think I'll put on a jacket and open a window." But by the time you get to the window, it's back up over 80° again and you're broiling.

Now I know that complaining about the weather in Florida right now is not something that's going to get a lot of support from people elsewhere. Apparently, this is the only place in America where it isn't snowing and/or frozen completely solid. Nobody's even heard from the state of Wisconsin in over a week (normally, that would be cause for concern but the Packers aren't that good this year and Brett Favre doesn't even play there anymore so nobody cares).

But that's the way it's supposed to be, more or less, in those places. Here, we're not getting the weather we're entitled to and that just isn't right. And I don't like it. It's a proven medical fact that rapid fluctuations in outdoor temperature are a leading cause of sickness and death. Need proof? How about I'm sick to death of these rapid fluctuations in outdoor temperature. See?

The short period of pleasantly cold weather we get every year is like our reward, sort of a tax refund, for enduring the ridiculous climate we get the rest of the year, when the simple act of going outdoors makes you feel as though you're melting like a crayon wedged firmly between the hairy buttocks of an old fat guy in a sauna. And that's not to mention the storms as big as an entire state, for crying out loud. So it's not too much to ask that the weather get down into the 50s and stay there for the next ten days, damn it.

Somebody get Al Gore and Willard Scott and Captain Planet and Dennis Quaid from "The Day After Tomorrow" and whoever else needs to get involved to figure out what is going on. Because I'm not going outside again until you do.