Baked and confused

Doesn't that chicken look good? I know!

I love chicken and I eat it often. With my local grocer always having packages of five or six leg quarters for under $4, how can I afford not to? I like to coat it with bread crumbs, some Adobo and bake it in the oven and have some kind of vegetable on the side. That's like, maybe $1.50 a meal.

My problem is, for whatever reason, I just can't seem to remember the very simple baking instructions. Is it 350° for 45 minutes, is it 450° at 30 minutes or is it 700° for 5 minutes, is it 45° for 30 days or is it something something else? I know, I should just stick a post-it note on the 'fridge but it's one of those things, like updating my address book or feeding my cats, that I just never seem to get around to.

So like in most cases where I need an instant answer to a question, I turn to the internet. Unfortunately, sometimes the internet, and the people who contribute content to it, are a little too clever for my own good. It seems like the simpler the question, the harder it is to get an answer. Here are some of the answers you're likely to find when you type "how do you bake chicken?" into your favorite search engine*.

• "This is the rule: when cooking chicken breasts with dry heat, use high heat and cook for a short period of time. When using moist heat, use low heat and cook for a longer period of time. Now when I say longer, that doesn't mean hours. Grilled chicken breasts cook in 8-10 minutes, while poached breasts cook in about 15 minutes. And here's another tip: when cooking with dry heat, pound the chicken breasts to an even thickness so they will cook evenly." Who wrote this, the Riddler? There's no mention of temperature and what is moist heat? I live in Florida where it's always moist and hot. Does that include my oven? Or should I move to Phoenix?


• "Use a meat thermometer...Chicken 165°-175°" That's very helpful, except I have neither a meat thermometer nor a calculator that performs algebra functions. Don't tell me what the temperature of the chicken needs to be, tell me what temperature I need to cook it at to get it there! It's not about the process, it's about the result.


• "Skin and wash chicken. Place in pan add sliced bell pepper, onion soup mix, and 1 cup of water." I don't need assistance in making it taste good. I already do my own thing in that regard. I just don't want to get salmonella.


• "To make peeling easy, place shallots in a bowl of warm water, and soak until skins loosen (they'll be wrinkled and cracked), about 15 minutes. Using a paring knife, slip skins off." What? Who the hell even said anything about...what? Shallots? What is that, a gay onion? Come on!


• "You can bake chicken whole or in pieces and season it any way you like." Well, I guess it's good to know the Libertarians have an opinion on the matter, even if they don't have any answers.

* For people who wound up at this blog because a search engine sent them here in response to that question, the simple, short answer is 45 minutes at 400°.