The current state of robotic science, as I see it...

It stinks!

Don't get me wrong; I love robots. I'm just disappointed in what they've turned out to be, compared to how they were envisioned in the '50s, that's all. A proper robot should resemble humans in it's composition. It should have something that resembles a head on top of it with two camera eyes and a speakerbox mouth. It should walk stiffly on two legs, arms either extended straight out in front or flailing wildly at it's sides and should talk in an electronic monotone. And if possible, it should have machine guns concealed in it's robo-torso, but that's a bonus.

The robots we have don't conform to any of those basic standards. That renders them useless and stupid. 50-year-old toys are not supposed to be more awesome than the modern day real thing. It doesn't apply to cars, airplanes or semi-automatic weapons. Get on the ball, robots!

I hear you out there: "But Clark, robots today are amazing! They're incredibly useful in countless ways." I would like to refute those assertions with the following factual arguments...

1. No they aren't.
2. Shut up.

If you remain unconvinced, I will give you three specific examples...

FACTORY ROBOT - Please. It's nothing more than a glorified automatic screwdriver. Or wrench. Or pliers. Whatever tool it is they use to make cars. It doesn't talk. It doesn't move around much. It just stays in one spot and does one mindless task all day long (insert your own joke about American workers, many of whom lost their jobs to these stupid things, here, because I refuse to do that).

ROOMBA ROBOT - Yeah, right. That's a vacuum cleaner. It's a bump-n-go! It's a damn toy! Honestly, the thing is the size of a Frisbee. It couldn't contain a bag of potato chips, let alone the debris you'll find on the floor in a normal household. How is it more practical than my trusty Hoover upright if I have to look around and find it so I can empty it every five minutes? If it wasn't for the inexplicable enjoyment that animals get from riding them, they'd be 100% useless.


BOMB ROBOT - Okay, I'll admit that is pretty damn cool looking. And bomb disposal is just about the most badass thing in the universe. And I wouldn't mind having one of those. But life would be so much better if the bomb disposal robot that walked up to the bomb, picked it up, opened it's mouth and swallowed it. After a few seconds, a muffled *BOOM!* would be heard, followed by the robot burping and a little puff of smoke coming out. Everybody would laugh, the robot would blush, smile and shrug it's shoulders. Seriously, who wouldn't enjoy that so much more than what happens when the bomb squad shows up now?