An open letter to Jennifer Aniston

(Any of you people who know people who know people, please do whatever you can to get this to Jennifer Aniston's people. Thanks!)

Dear Ms. Aniston,
How's it going? Good, I hope.
I'm fine.
Or rather, I was fine...until I saw some behavior attributed to you on the cover of a magazine I saw while waiting to pay for some groceries. Now I am not fine. Now I'm disturbed and dismayed. I realize that it's possible for a magazine to publish something that isn't true and that you're not necessarily responsible for that. However, it is a pretty reputable grocery store and I have not been able to determine via the internet whether or not this particularly outrageous behavior is not not true or not. Here's the magazine cover I'm talking about:
One item in particular, which I have blown up here (pardon the blurriness, it's a digital picture I downloaded off the internet. I didn't actually buy, or even read the magazine):

Exactly. "$9000-a-night love suite". ??? indeed!

Jennifer (can I call you Jennifer? I feel like I can, because that's your name), sweetie, they saw you comin'.

I don't know where this is alleged to have taken place (again, didn't bother to read it) but how in the world did some place justify charging you $9000 a night? How do they justify it among themselves? ("This is a pretty nice suite we got here. I think we should charge eleventy zillion dollars a night!", "That's ridiculous, Ted", "Well...how about...$9000 then?", "Yes. That's much more reasonable.")

Listen Jen (can I call you Jen? It's kind of a natural shortening of Jennifer. Is that cool?), I know you're in Hollywood and it's easy to get kind of a skewed perspective about what goes on in the real world where the rest of us live, so trust me when I tell you that even if there was a jacuzzi filled with unicorn tears and a lava lamp with real lava in it, there's no way some hotel suite should cost 9000 damn dollars a night.

Let me guess what you really got for your money:

• A bedroom
• Living area
• Some sort of kitchen facility
• A bathroom with a fully functional flush toilet
• Some other stuff

Am I right? Of course I am.

But I'm not here to make you feel bad. Au contraire, Jennifaire (see what I did there? Wordplay!) I'm here to make you feel good! I'm here to give you an alternative at a considerable savings to you. Because guess where you can find everything listed above: My apartment. BOOM! My apartment has all of the amenities listed here. You can come, stay as long as you like, I'll head over to the Holiday Inn Express so you have the privacy to do whatever you want (please don't break anything) for the low, low price of...get ready...$800 a night! That's less than 10% of what you've allegedly been paying! I'll bet you had to pay for meals while you were there, didn't you? Well, if you stay at my place, you can have full run of the 'fridge. And if you had seen what I bought at the store where I saw this magazine, you'd know you were in for a treat (hint: the neat round spaghetti you can eat with a spoon and two flavors of fruit-at-the-bottom yogurt!). How can I afford to do this? Because I'm a nice guy and just one night at that rate pays my rent for the month and gives me a little walkin' around money to boot.

The offer is open all the time and I don't need much advance notice to pack up and vamoose (if I forget something, I'll just come back and get it. I'll knock before I come in though).

Give me a call.

- Clark

PS: We'll need to talk about the cat situation.

PPS: Yes, there is a cat situation.