A short conversation about the oil spill

"All right, it's been three weeks since the Deepwater Horizon sunk and this nightmare began. Please tell me you have something, some kind of viable solution to fix this disaster. Please."

"Oh, we've got something, sir. We've got something spectacular! Dolphins!"

"Dolphins?"

"Dolphins, sir! We have a genetics lab and our engineers have been working tirelessly to successfully breed a dolphin with opposable thumbs. They're highly intelligent creatures. They can swim. We'll train them to weld, they'll go down there, fix the leak, pop back up to the surface and balance a colorful ball on their nose. It will be ecologically safe and it will be adorable."

"..."

"I've brought along a little friend from the lab to show you just what I'm talking about. Sir, say hello to Beepy The Dolphin, the answer to your prayers!"

"That...is not a dolphin."

"Sure it is. It looks different from other species because of the genetic mutations, but..."

"That is clearly a raccoon. That's a raccoon and it's wearing a pair of swim fins and some welding goggles."

"Well, it's a prototype. And it's something they came up with in genetics. I'm not directly responsible for..."

"And now it's loose in my office! You idiot!"

"You're going to want to put your top men on catching him, sir, and right away. I can't completely guarantee that Beepy isn't rabid. Carl was bitten on the drive over here and he's been really, really thirsty since then."

"So that's it? That's all you've come up with so far?"

"Yeah. I mean no. No, that's not all..."

"Well, what else then?"

"We thought, uh, we could go down there and, um...

"Yes...?"

"And, like, jam a bunch of stuff in the leak hole and make it stop that way..."

"Stuff? What kind of stuff?"

"Uh...shredded stuff. Maybe some car tires? All shredded up"

"You're going to jam shredded tires in there..."

"And golf balls? Shredded."

"Nothing you have presented today seems remotely scientific in any way shape or form."

"Well, frankly sir, science is kinda what got us into this mess, so..."

"I can't believe this. I have a press briefing right outside those doors in less than five minutes and I have no updates to share with the American people about what is being done to repair a ruptured pipe that has been gushing five thousand barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico every day for almost a month! What am I supposed to stand up there and say?"

"Um, actually I can give you a scientific update about the five thousand barrels a day..."