Take Clark to school!

Now that your precious wee ones are back in school, don't you think it's about time the little yard apes actually learned somethin'?

Me too.

That's why I am availing my services, my experience, my very own self to participate in YOUR ankle biter's Great American Teach In Day!

The Great American Teach In (also known as "Educator For A Day"), in case you don't know, is scheduled for November 18th, 2010, and is like a national show-and-tell day only with real humans instead of grasshoppers imprisoned in Mason jars or some stupid doll collection. People from all walks of life come to school and talk to kids about what it is they do for a living. As a professional sportswriter and possibly an award winner of some sort (depending on what happens at The Loafies), I would be a fascinating guest at your adorable curtain climber's school, guaranteed to inspire and be far more entertaining than just about anybody else that would be participating*.

This, like my ongoing quest to commit an actual, real, legally binding wedding as an ordained minister is completely sincere. If you're interested, please contact me via comments here or drop me a note at Facebook, Twitter or any other means of communication at your disposal.

Now, there are some provisos. While this would be completely free, no charge to you or the learning institution(s), I do have some terms that must be met before we can reach an agreement.

First, this offer is limited to schools in Hillsborough and Pinellas counties (Florida) only, unless you're willing to provide airfare reimbursement or suitably comparable travel arrangements. I do enjoy hovercrafts.

Second, I am willing to visit multiple schools if the demand dictates, but wherever I am at lunchtime, I'm gonna need a meal. And not just some crap either. As a professional sportswriter, bon vivant and raconteur, I require nourishment that pleases my delicate and discerning palate. This is utterly non-negotiable due to my refined tastes and the high standards of epicurean excellence I demand at all times.

Thirdly, and possibly most importantly, it would be a good idea if the teacher "gets" me. While my presentation will be geared towards the maturity level of the audience with particular attention paid to the sensitivity of the rug rats in attendance, my views on any number of topics that may be addressed could be construed as..."non-traditional". I will not be offensive or ribald, and I won't proselytize any political, religious or social agendas but some of what I say may slightly contradict what is usually taught in that particular classroom. Basically, I believe I'm doing the youth of America a disservice if I don't point out that just because so-called grown-up experts say that dinosaurs no longer roam the earth, it's still not a good idea to leave things a Tyrannosaurus Rex finds delicious under their beds. That's all. So it's kinda important that the teacher knows where I'm coming from. Ideally, somebody open-minded with a healthy sense of humor who sees the value in imagination and creativity.

Anyway, that's it. I'm ready to impart wisdom and drop life lessons. I think you'll find that at my omelet station, the only eggs I crack are eggs of knowledge and the only cheese I sprinkle in is cheese of wonder, with fresh diced tomatoes of experience and a side order of laughter bacon, served with either hashbrowns of integrity, home fries of courtesy or a fruit cup of respect. First come, first served!

* Guarantee does not include helicopter pilots, people who work with animals or any profession where vehicles with sirens and flashing lights are involved.