Hey, I really enjoyed the Super Bowl halftime show!

Because it gave the whole world a chance to see first-hand just how unrelentingly godawful and irredeemably worthless the Black Eyed Peas truly are.
(NOTE: I have not forsaken my resolution to "not be excessively and unnecessarily vitriolic in my criticism of popular things that I don't enjoy, because we all have our own preferences and as long as it's not truly harmful to others, it's only fair to just live and let live". However, I am attaching a one-time exemption to this resolution in regards to the Black Eyed Peas in that they will serve as sort of a designated safety valve that I can turn to when frustration builds up over not criticizing other things, such as the new season of "American Idol" {which I've been very good about so far, I must say} and because they really are just that terrible).
Between the Green Bay Packers, who invented the Super Bowl, and the Pittsburgh Steelers who have played in and won more of them than any other team, Super Bowl XLV was the Super Bowliest of them all. What a shame it had to occur the same year that the NFL scrapped a tradition of halftime shows featuring truly legendary artists (some faring better than others) by turning to the excessively autotuned sub-hackery of the Black Eyed Peas (or BEPs). As I mentioned, I didn't see the game but thanks to the magic of the internet, I have been able to see the halftime show so I feel that I can comment fairly. And boy oh boy, it fairly stunk. Even before I actually watched it for myself, I knew it was terrible because literally the entire country said so. Generally, people expect the halftime show to be a disappointment and looking forward to complaining about it has become as much a part of the Super Bowl celebration as the game, the commercials and overeating. But this mess was so bad that the fact that Christina Aguillera botched The Star Spangled Banner is practically an afterthought by comparison...and that's the kind of thing people usually fret about for decades (just ask Roseanne Barr).

"Uh...wait, don't tell me...something about rockets, right?"

If you missed that train wreck, you can see it here on YouTube or click here to see Maya Rudolph's dead-on parody of it on Saturday Night Live...four years ago.
But this isn't about Xtina or anybody else making an empty-headed and misguided attempt to perform their own "unique" interpretation of the national anthem; it's about the pop music plague that is known as the BEPs, about whom absolutely nothing good can be said. Wait...I shouldn't draw that conclusion; I suppose it's possible that they pay their taxes on time and are good to dogs but I don't know that for a fact. All the evidence that is available to me suggests that all four of them (will.i.am, Fergie, Marlon and Tito) should be hunted down as war criminals, placed adrift in a small boat in the Pacific where the U.S. Navy should conduct target practice on them with missiles made of exploding poison. Evidence culled entirely from their "songs". For example, Cracked.com makes a case that "I Gotta Feeling" is The Worst Song Ever and their points are valid, although I disagree. When I was little and I thought all music made all people happy, my teenaged cousin said that the song "Come and Get Your Love" by Redbone actually made him angry to the point that he wanted to damage property. As I got older and more mature, I realized that some people prefer certain types of music over others but still didn't understand what my cousin had been talking about. Then, one day I heard the song "My Humps" on the radio and the concept was crystal clear to me.
Of course, it's difficult to criticize any song by the BEPs as a BEPs song, since almost every one of their songs (certainly all of their hits) were somebody else's songs first. This is why, as a writer, I'd rate BEP frontman will.i.am several notches below Weird Al Yankovic, somewhere between Allan Sherman and the anonymous 3rd grader who originally penned "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells".

Behold the canon of the BEPs...

• "That's Right" sampled from "Pass The Peas" by The J.B.s, "You're Getting a Little Too Smart" by Detroit Emeralds and "Montara" by Bobby Hutcherson
• "A8" sampled from "O Homem Da Gravata Florida" by Jorge Ben
• "Be Free" sampled from "White Horse" by Laid Back
• "Clap Your Hands" sampled from "Handclapping Song" by The Meters and "Tenement Yard" by Jacob Miller
• "Fallin' Up" sampled from "Comanche" by Jorge Ben
• "Joints & Jam" sampled from "Grease" by Frankie Valli and "Love Till the End of Time" by Paulinho Da Costa
• "Karma" sampled from "El Raton" by Cheo Feliciano and The Joe Cuba Sextet and "One Way or Another" by Blondie
• "Positivity" sampled from "Cinco Minutos" by Jorge Ben
• "Say Goodbye" sampled from "Heaven and Hell Is on Earth" by 20th Century Steel Band
• "The Way U Make Me Feel" sampled from "Here We Go (Live at the Funhouse)" by Run-DMC and "Something in the Way (You Make Me Feel)" by Stephanie Mills
• "What It Is" sampled from "Funkin' for Jamaica (N.Y.)" by Tom Browne
• "Fallin' Up (Remix)" sampled from "Standing in the Shadows of Love" by Barry White
• “BEP Empire” sampled from “Billy Jack” by Curtis Mayfield
• “Bridging the Gaps” sampled from “Hello Like Before” by Bill Withers
• "Cali to New York” sampled from “Canto De Ossanha” by Baden Powell
• “Get Original” sampled from “Heads High” by Mr. Vegas (oh, now that's just funny!)
• “Go Go” sampled from “Planet Rock” by Afrika Bambaataa and Soulsonic Force
• “Request + Line” sampled from “Last Night a DJ Saved My Life” by Indeep
• “Weekends” sampled from “Family Affair” by Sly & the Family Stone, “ Lord of the Golden Baboon” by Mandrill, “Superappin'” by Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five, “Looking for the Perfect Beat” by Afrika Bambaataa and Soulsonic Force, “Lookout Weekend” by Debbie Deb and “ Jimbrowski” by Jungle Brothers
• “Apl Song” sampled from “Balita” by Asin
• “Hands Up” sampled from “Bo Mambo” by Yma Sumac
• “Labor Day (It's a Holiday)” sampled from “The Grunt” by The J.B.'s
• “Sexy” sampled from “Insensatez” by Antonio Carlos Jobim
• “Shut Up” sampled from “Is That All There Is?” by Peggy Lee and “Tough” by Kurtis Blow
• “The Boogie That Be” sampled from “Top Billin'” by Audio Two
• “Third Eye” sampled from “De Materialize” by Scientist
• “Let's Get It Started” sampled from “Bass Is Loaded” by Leaders of the New School and “Fallin'” by Alicia Keys
• “Like That” sampled from “Who Can I Turn to (When Nobody Needs Me)” by Astrud Gilberto, “Funky President” by James Brown, “Can I Kick It?” by A Tribe Called Quest and “The Infamous Date Rape” by A Tribe Called Quest
• “Bend Your Back” sampled from “I Know You Got Soul” by Bobby Byrd and “Hip-Hop vs. Rap” by KRS-One
• “Audio Delite at Low Fidelity” sampled from “Funky President” by James Brown and “All Night Long” by Mary Jane Girls
• “Ba Bump” sampled from “Candy” by Cameo
• “Don't Lie” sampled from “La Di Da Di” by Doug E. Fresh and Slick Rick
• “Don't Phunk With My Heart” sampled from “Aye Naujawan Hai Sab Kuchch Yahan” by Asha Bhosle, “Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing” by Stevie Wonder, “Yeh Mera Dil Pyar Ka Diwana” by Asha Bhosle, “I Wonder if I Take You Home” by Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam and Full Force, “Sally (That Girl)” by Gucci Crew II and “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston
• “Dum Diddly” sampled from “Pass the Dutchie” by Musical Youth
• “Feel It” sampled from “Brazilian Rhyme (Beijo)” by Earth, Wind & Fire
• “Gone Going” sampled from “Gone” by Jack Johnson
• “My Humps” sampled from “Kisi Ki Jaan Lete Hain” by Asha Bhosle, “I Need a Freak” by Sexual Harrassment and “Wild Thing” by Tone Loc
• “My Style” sampled from “Señorita” by Justin Timberlake
• “Pump It” sampled from “Misirlou” by Dick Dale
• “They Don't Want Music” sampled from “Mind Power” by James Brown
• “Union” sampled from “Englishman in New York” by Sting
• “Mas Que Nada (2006 Version)” sampled from “Mas Que Nada” by Sérgio Mendes and Brasil '66 and “Hey Mama” by Black Eyed Peas feat. Tippa Irie (that’s right, they sampled themselves!)
• “Boom Boom Wow (DJ will.i.am Megamix)” sampled from “Music Sounds Better With You” by Stardust
• “Meet Me Halfway” sampled from “Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper and “Maps” by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
• “Party All the Time” sampled from “Mancry” by Adam Freeland
• “Boom Boom Pow” sampled from “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” by Daft Punk
• “Electric City” sampled from “I Want Candy” by Bow Wow Wow
• “I Gotta Feeling” sampled from “Take a Dive” by Bryan Pringle
• “Imma Be” sampled from “Ride or Die” by The Budos Band
• “Mare” sampled from “Hai Rama” by A. R. Rahman
• “Ring-a-Ling” sampled from “The Def Fresh Crew” by Roxanne Shanté and Biz Markie
• “Rockin' to the Beat” sampled from “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson
• “Rock That Body” sampled from “It Takes Two” by Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock
• “Shut the Phunk Up” sampled from “(Not Just) Knee Deep” by Funkadelic
• “Pump It Harder” sampled from “Misirlou” by Dick Dale, “Think (About It)” by Lyn Collins (1972) and “Pump It Up” by Black & White Brothers
• “Fashion Beats” sampled from “My Forbidden Lover” by Chic
• “Light Up the Night” sampled from “Children's Story” by Slick Rick
• “Love You Long Time” sampled from “Give It Up” by KC & the Sunshine Band
• “The Coming” sampled from “Here I Come” by Barrington Levy
• “The Time (Dirty Bit)” sampled from “(I've Had) the Time of My Life” by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes

(Don't take my word for it; see and hear for yourself here)

The original Black Eyed Pea (or OBEP)

"Okay, but why?", you might ask. "Why the obsessive and borderline psychotic hatred for an ultimately harmless pop music group?". Well, I do it because, A) it's fun and B) on behalf of all the genuinely talented artists from all genres of music who will never, ever get within sniffing distance of a Super Bowl halftime show who are too classy to say anything themselves.
Of course, some people will disagree. Some people will even say that not only are they fans of the BEPs but that they enjoyed that show, and they'll mean it too. One of those people is a woman upon whom I have a severe unrequited crush (and I think she knows that and uses that knowledge to her advantage sometimes). Do I think less of those people, her included? Well, yes. Yes, I do. It's enough to deter me from my plan of abducting her, leaving the country and making her my wifeslave for ever and ever and ever.
In other words, this is for the common good.