Oprah's out to get me and I don't like it

This is not news, but Oprah Winfrey has launched a campaign against texting-while-driving. And this is certainly not good news for me. Because while I generally don't care for text messaging, I happen to be damn good at it. "Even while driving a car?", you ask. "ESPECIALLY when driving a car!", I reply. That is true! I don't know why but I make fewer typos and more coherent phrasing while driving than when I'm not. I don't know why this is the case but it is. Just one of God's wonders, I guess. And that blows. Because let me tell you something, not much sucks more than to be a person who has alarmingly few talents, skills or worthwhile traits of any kind whatsoever and have Oprah launch a campaign against one of them. Do you know what happens when Oprah publicly declares she does or doesn't like something? People, lots and lots of 'em, begin acting out of character. They stop eating hamburgers. They exercise and diet. They start reading books. Reading! Books!!

What manner of madness is this?

I feel like I'm being picked on. After all, we still have rodeos, which are held to preserve and honor the tradition of celebrating certain specialized skills that were once necessary and thus, a very important part of our history and heritage. So why should my outdated, pointless and dangerous behavior be outlawed while others are commemorated with enormous belt buckles?

"Uh, Hank, I should probably call you back later..."

Because Oprah says so, that's why. That, and it's kind of being the ultimate dick of all time to believe that my next Tweet (or whatever) is going to be so jaw-droppingly awe-inspiring that the world shouldn't have to wait until innocent people (including myself, pedestrians, other motorists or jaywalking baby ducks) aren't being needlessly put in danger to receive it. Plus, on the Great Regret Scale, I have to believe "If only I hadn't been text messaging" is really very high (or low, depending on how you read your scale) in the "Totally Unnecessary" column.
But mostly because of Oprah.

You do NOT want to be on the wrong end of this