Who REALLY loves me?

I received an email the other day with this title on it:

"We Love clarkjbrooks.blogspot.com!"

Love? Me (well, my blog; same thing)? Heck yes I'm gonna open THAT up! This is what I found inside (madlibbed so as to hide identities of companies and individuals):

Dear Clark Brooks,

My name is (a person) from (a company). We have a client who would like to pay you for the opportunity to post some of their content on your website. All of the content is professionally produced and you can select from pieces relevant to your audience.
The result is you get some free, interesting content for your readers while getting paid.
In return our client is asking for one link that they specify at the bottom of the content (no porn or gambling). Feel free to contact me with any concerns or clarifications you may have.
If you would like to see some examples of our content, please email me at (a name)@(a domain) so we can begin.
Sincerely,
(a person), (a title) - (a company)

Aw, that ain't love! Paid advertsing content on my site? Sounds like a Blogfomercial. And interesting? Why on earth would I want to start serving that up? Slippery slope at best, unnecessarily raised expectations at worst.
So that made me wonder where I can find the real love and like I would with any other pursuit, I turned to the internet. Specifically, the various sites, social or otherwise, where, like at "Cheers", everybody (well, somebody) knows my name.


"Carl! err, Chuck...or Clark. Whatever."


FACEBOOK - The current counter says I have 535 "friends". There's been lots of talk about sites like Facebook have devalued the word "friend", considering that most people who are "friends" on Facebook never meet or even communicate directly with one another. Obviously, I can't name all 535 of my Facebook "friends" and will probably never meet many of them. I will say that I've met quite a few of those people in person or at least corresponded with them. You know what really devalued the word "friends"? The show "Friends", that's what.

Jesus, seriously?

TWITTER - On Twitter, you have followers, not "friends". Currently, I follow 1073 people and have 818 followers. The repressed cult leader in me likes that. A lot. Yes, that's it followers. Follow me.

"Because my robe has a sash, that's why I'm in charge"

MYSPACE - Before there was Facebook, there was MySpace. Now, it's like the old mall on the edge of town that you thought closed years ago but is still open even though it appears that they don't bother taking down the Christmas decorations and the only stores that are open inside are a bookstore where everything is in Korean and a haunted Orange Julius. I have 99 MySpace friends and haven't gotten a message there since February, 2010. I did meet some cool people there...who are all now on Facebook.

Has anybody seen my friends? Hello?

LINKEDIN - This a business networking site. I don't believe I have ever gotten any work from it though. I have 103 "connections". Funny story: for the longest time, I thought it was pronounced "Link-uh-din". Excuse me for not knowing immediately it was "Linked In" and not some made-up internet word like Google or eBay or  DotCom. Shut up.

IMDB.COM - I'm not sure I flog this enough; I am EXTREMELY proud to be listed on The Internet Movie Database, along with (insert name of any and every movie star, director or producer ever) as a result of my work on "Ten at the Top in Tampa Bay" and I should devote huge chunks of my day, every day, to telling people about it. When I get old, that's exactly what I'm going to do.


"That's right, kids. Your ol' granddad helped make a movie about ladies in the government!"

On the IMDB, you don't have friends, followers or connections, you have a STARmeter to measure your popularity (that's so Hollywood!) and currently, my STARmeter says...holy crap, I'm "up 240%"! How does that happen? Love, that's how! Is that even mathematically possible? Ha! True love knows no logical boundaries (and what's more logical than basic math?) and that's something that those who are quick to issue restraining orders should keep in mind.

At long last, LOVE!