My Last Blog Post (unless, you know, it isn't)

As you may have heard, many people of Christian faith (not all or even most of them) believe that tomorrow, Saturday, May 21, 2011, is the long-anticipated Judgment Day (click here if you don't know what that is) which leads to The Rapture (click here if you don't know what that is) which leads directly to The End of Days (you don't need to click nothin' to know what that is). As much as I'd like to make complete fun and ridicule of this "prophecy", I'm not going to because we...just...don't...know.

It should be noted that this chain of events, or something similar enough to accomplish the same results, has been predicted before. Here are some notable examples...

• 2,800BC: Nope
• 1st century AD: Nope
• 2nd century AD: Nope
• Mar 25, 970 AD: Nope
• 1284: Nope
• 1504: Nope
• Feb 1, 1524: Nope
• 1648: Nope
• 1666 (Look at the numbers! Spooky!): Nope
• 1794: Nope
• Dec 25, 1814: Nope...narrowly avoiding the worst Christmas ever.
• 1836: Nope
• Aug 7, 1847: Nope
• 1874: Nope
• 1881: Nope
• May 18, 1910: Nope
• Dec 17, 1919: Nope
• 1967: Nope
• Apr 29, 1980: Nope
• Mar 10, 1982: Nope
• Apr 29, 1987: Nope
• 1988: Nope
• Sep 28, 1992: Nope
• March – May 1997: Remember the Hale-Bopp comet? Nope 
• 12:01am, Mar 31, 1998: Nope
• 1999: Party over, oops, out of time? Nope
• 2000: Nope
• Feb 12, 2006: Nope
• Friday 13th April 2007: Nope
• Mar 21, 2008: Nope

(Note: You can verify every single one of these "Nope"s for yourself simply by looking out of any window or at any object that is not currently engulfed in never-ending flame.)

There are exactly two ways to look at the big, fat 0-fer record behind these prophecies:

1. Beyond the obvious reasonable skepticism, statistics clearly illustrate that the people making these predictions are religious crackpots who obviously have no idea what they're talking about and so there is absolutely no reason to be concerned whatsoever.
2. They're due.

The thing is We...Just...Don't...Know!

And that's the scariest part, the not knowing. Even the slightest uncertainty causes discomfort. Until Sunday morning rolls around, we'll probably all be a little extra jumpy when it comes to loud noises. And those of us who live near lakes of flaming brimstone will probably pay a little more attention to their flame-retardent depth gauges. I have no doubt that even some of the most aetheist aethists, after spending Friday night in a trendy coffee shop, snarkily mocking The True Believers, will get home, remove their 52 rubber bracelets, take out their nose ring and, after making sure absolutely nobody is watching, will offer up just a wee bit of a silent prayer before going to bed because, well, what's the harm and because WE...JUST...DON'T...KNOW!

Gee, we appreciate the heads-up. But how about if you just leave it in the garage that day?

Personally, I think our chances are pretty good. Otherwise, I wouldn't have dropped off dry cleaning this morning. But since WE...JUST...DON'T...KNOW, I'm going to take this occassion, what might be My Very Last Blog Post, to confess to some things in order to clear my conscience. But since I don't happen to think anything is going to happen, I'm going to do so with some ambiguity. I hope you understand. So here goes:

• Yes.
• Yes, but just once.
• Yes, more than once.
• Oh yes! You better believe it!
• Yes, basically every single weekend between 1983 and 1984.
• Wanted to, had a chance, chickened out at the last second.
• Yes, but only because I had been drinking.
• Yes, but immediately regretted it.
• Kinda.
• No. But not for lack of trying.
• Yes, yes, yes, a qualified no, as in more like not really, then yes, yes and yes. Twice.
• Yes. And at the same time. Not bragging, just sayin'

Whew! Okay, I feel a lot better now. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to try to get myself strategically within close range of someone who might be open to a little pre-apocolyptic somethin' somethin', because WE...JUST...DON'T...KNOW!!