Temptation keeps me on the run

I really like my job. That wasn't the case for a long time, specifically those couple of years of my life that went down the toilet when I worked for the worst hotel in the world (message me privately if you're planning a visit to the Tampa Bay area so you don't wind up in this shithole by accident). But now, yeah, I'm very happy and I really don't want to lose my job. Not just because looking for work, specifically when you have to look for work, is a horrific experience but because I am just that happy.
In spite of that (or maybe because of it), I find myself challenged and tempted by circumstances that could easily result in my termination. For example, recently my company sponsored a 5K fun run and a week or so after it was over, a participant called in for the results. I resisted my natural urges and am thankfully still employed, but this is how that call could have gone if I were a person of even slightly weaker resolve...

Caller: Hi, I participated in the fun run last week and just wanted to check the results.
Me: Are you Kenyan, sir?
Caller: Um...what?
Me: Are you from Kenya? It's in east Africa.
Caller: No.
Me: Well, you didn't win then.

Caller: Hi, I participated in the fun run last week and just wanted to check the results.
Me: Were you alone when you got to the finish line, sir?
Caller: Um...what?
Me: Were there other people at the finish line when you got there, people who got there before you did?
Caller: Yes.
Me: Well, you didn't win then.

Caller: Hi, I participated in the fun run last week and just wanted to check the results.
Me: You didn't win.
Caller: I realize that but I'd still like to know how I did.
Me: Oh, because you're trying to gauge how well you did in comparison with the the other participants, just for your own sake?
Caller: Yes, exactly.
Me: You lost.