Bringing you up to date on The Walking Dead

Walkers

"The Walking Dead" is a very popular show on AMC that nobody seems to like very much. Honestly, for all the scads of viewers the show gets, there are an equal number of complaints about it on the internet.

"It moves too slow"
"The characters aren't likeable"
"The dialogue is poorly written and heavy-handed"

WA WA WA Whatever. I'm not here to challenge anybody's opinion but if you don't like the show then don't watch it by the millions.

Personally, I love it and I tune in every week. It's not Shakespeare or even "Breaking Bad". It's a show about a small band of survivors dealing with the end of civilization via zombie apocalypse (on the show they're referred to as "walkers", not zombies). Pretty simple premise but I think it's lots of fun. The walkers are horrifying and disgusting and you never know who's going to get killed or how. If you've never seen the show but have considered checking it out, here's a very brief quick reference guide to catch you up.

Here are the rules of The Walking Dead universe

1. Walkers want to eat humans
2. Walkers can only be killed by significant head trauma (shooting, bashing, arrowing, etc.)
3. If you die, you become a walker, unless a friend does you the ultimate preemptive solid by destroying your head first
4. Almost everybody is dead and walkers are all over the damn place
5. Other surviving humans are even more of a threat than the walkers (supplies and safe places to hide are scarce)

Your key survivors are as follows:

• Rick, formerly a sheriff's deputy in fictional King County, Georgia. He is a widower with a tween son, Carl and a baby daughter, Judith.
• Herschel, a former veterinarian and former two-legged person, father of Maggie and Beth, owner of a wooden leg after getting bit by a walker.
• Daryl, a loner, former meth head and lowlife thug, now a crossbow-toting sex symbol... although still pretty much a loner. The end of the world is the best thing that ever happened to him.
• Glenn, formerly a pizza delivery guy, now hooking up with Maggie. The end of the world is the best thing that ever happened to him.
• Maggie, Herschel's daughter, Beth's sister and Glenn's squeeze.
• Beth, Herschel's daughter, Maggie's sister and Judith's babysitter.
• Carl, Rick's son
• Michonne, mysterious sword-wielding badass.
• Carol, formerly an abused housewife, the end of the world is the best thing that ever happened to her... although she was banished from the group by Rick recently, so maybe not.
• Tyreese, big, grumpy black dude. 

(Note: all or none of these characters may be dead by the time you watch the show. That's not my fault.)

The group is currently holed up in an old prison because, you know, walls and bars and barbed wire fences and watch towers and all the security that comes with that stuff (yeah, right).

"Could be worse, son. At least you don't have to play Little League."

 Here is a sample scene that never actually occurred, although versions of it occur every third episode or so. After this, you're pretty much up-to-date in a big-picture sense:

RICK: "We can't stay here."
TYREESE: "We've got no place to go!"
RICK: "It isn't safe."
HERSCHEL: "Are you referring to the incident earlier where one of us was almost killed?"
GLEN: "Or the one where one of us was killed?"
MAGGIE: "Or the one where a whole bunch of us were killed?"
RICK: "..."
DARYL: "Don't look at me, man. I'm a loner."

That kind of sums things up, regardless of what other plot points are currently in flux.

"No, you may not pet my squirrel."

POLL: What do you think should happen next?

1. Rick should just leave
2. Daryl should just leave
3. Rick and Daryl should just leave together
4. Hey, where are you guys going?
5. Uh, nowhere, Carl. Just stay here and look after your sister. *
6. Hey, it's me, Michonne! Don't forget me. 
7. This is bullshit. Fine. Go. I'm a bigger badass than all of you anyway.

* Oh yeah, Carl's mom was pregnant by either Rick or Shane (who Rick killed long ago, followed by Carl killing walker Shane immediately afterward) but she (his mom, not his sister) had a difficult childbirth and Carl had to kill her to prevent her from turning, an incident that haunted Rick (not Carl) and made him (Rick, not Carl) lose his mind for a good chunk of season three.

"Hi. I'm Michonne. I don't play."

There. You are now up to date.