THIS JUST IN!

"We are getting reports that something terrifying has happened at the mall. Here is video recorded live at the scene:"

Video recorded LIVE at the scene!

"Now, there is no word yet on whether or not it's a shooting, or if it is, whether it's one of the good ones. All we can say is that something terrifying has happened and continues to be happening. Probably a shooting. Take a look at this video recorded live at the scene:"

Video recorded LIVE at the scene!

"It's important to note that some of those people do not appear to be terrified. They are probably in a state of shock. Let's go to a live report from the mall. Lester?"

"Hi Bob. I'm not actually at the mall. I don't know if you've heard, but something terrifying is happening there. Probably a shooting."

"Well, what can you tell us about the video recorded live at the scene?"

"It would appear that people are fleeing and terrified."

"What do you suppose that is?"

"Something terrifying. Like a shooting."

"To be clear, we are not saying this is a shooting."

"No, of course not. That would be irresponsible."

"But shootings are terrifying."

"And these people are terrified."

"Let's take another look:"

Video recorded LIVE at the scene!

"At this point, the only thing that can reasonably... and legally... be assumed at this point is that everybody you do not see in this video is currently unaccounted for, and could be seriously wounded or dead maybe. There's just no way to know at this point. All we can do is show the video again:"

Video recorded LIVE at the scene!

"That... is terrifying."

"Bob, police are on the scene and are saying that it is not a shooting."

"Details are still emerging as this situation continues to develop."

"The police say that they have been releasing statements for the the last 20 minutes, confirming that this is definitely not a shooting."

"Well, we have some Twitter reports from people at the mall who say they heard what sounded like firecrackers."

"Yeah, but the police are pretty emphatic. They said that absolutely no shots were fired."

"Firecrackers can be terrifying."

"That's true. Especially when they're gunshots and not firecrackers."

"Exactly! Roll the video:"

Video recorded LIVE at the scene!

"We're joined now by our resident psychological expert, Dr. Carl Von Trimble. Dr. Von Trimble, what can you tell us about what's happening here?"

"Well, keep in mind that I have absolutely no idea what is happening as I have just seen this video for the first time. What's going on? Is that at the mall?"

"Yes, the mall where something terrifying, not unlike a mass shooting, appears to be taking place."

"In that case, my expert analysis is that I agree."

"Want to see the video again?"

"Oh yes, please!"

Video recorded LIVE at the scene!

"We'll be right back to continuous coverage of this terrifying, mall-mass-shooting-esque incident. Stay tuned and stay terrified."