Merry no longer Christmas but not quite New Years although it IS Friday, so that's good Day

"She's been like that since Wednesday. Should we do something?"

Like the last of the stuffing from Christmas dinner (come on, it's gone...you're just scraping the dish with a spoon now and it's embarrassing..all right, go ahead and lick the spoon...Jesus), we've reached the end of the epic Christmas poems. This one was inspired by that most dreaded of all Christmas songs, "The Christmas Shoes". This version, originally published on December 23rd, 2011,  is not nearly as sad, yet somehow, it's more pathetic (I guess I'm a genius).

The Christmas Velcro Shoes

As I get older every day, 

So many things that I have learned.

Like, an oven filled with microwaves 

Turned up to 10 makes popcorn burned

Some other lessons I've picked up

I choose to ignore or to use 

Like drinking whiskey from a coffee cup

Or not wasting time by tying shoes

Since I've discovered footwear with velcro

I can't be bothered with silly strings

To me, this is the way to go

More valuable than Five Golden Rings

There are no laces so I don't get knots,

That I would have to snip

I just grab

that velcro tab

Tug it once and hear it rip

Also, I don't worry about kids I meet

with crumb-encrusted faces

Crawling down between my feet

And tying together my laces

I have one pair in stealthy black

Another in a pearly white

Stylishly, I'm not held back

Even if I were to meet Jesus tonight.

It's not that I can't tie a bow

(I'd learned how by second grade)

But shoelaces come from...where? I don't know

While velcro is American made

That's why I mentioned to Santa Claus

In my lengthy annual letter

Don't give me no shoes with inherent flaws

When velcro makes it all so much better

I'm already planning to leave him cookies in a dish

Santa's cool and oh-so-smart

I know that he will grant my wish

Because I saw him wearing some at Wal Mart.