Friday, December 23, 2011

The Christmas Velcro Shoes

Very rarely do I grant requests from readers, mostly because very rarely do I receive any. But for the sake of making this bit work, I've made one, both a request and a reader.

Larry Biblibbbington of Fingerbang, Arizona writes:
"Hey Clark,
In the past you've gifted us with some holiday poetry. In 2008, you did one for Happy New Year and in 2009, you did one for Christmas. You didn't do another one until this past summer, but it had nothing to do with the Christmas or the New Year. How about getting back in the holiday spirit and doing one for us this year, or else I will put on some astronaut diapers and drive cross country and murder you. Please?"
Well Larry, since even the people I make up seem to hate me, I don't see how I can refuse.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present...

The Christmas Velcro Shoes
As I get older every day,
So many things that I have learned.
Like, an oven filled with microwaves
Turned up to 10 makes popcorn burned

Some other lessons I've picked up
I choose to ignore or to use 
Like drinking whiskey from a coffee cup
Or not wasting time by tying shoes

Since I've discovered footwear with velcro
I can't be bothered with silly strings
To me, this is the way to go
More valuable than Five Golden Rings

There are no laces so I don't get knots,
That I would have to snip
I just grab
that velcro tab
Tug it once and hear it rip

Also, I don't worry about kids I meet
with crumb-encrusted faces
Crawling down between my feet
And tying together my laces

I have one pair in stealthy black
Another in a pearly white
Stylishly, I'm not held back
Even if I were to meet Jesus tonight.

It's not that I can't tie a bow
(I'd learned how by second grade)
But shoelaces come from...where? I don't know
While velcro is American made

That's why I mentioned to Santa Claus
In my lengthy annual letter
Don't give me no shoes with inherent flaws
When velcro makes it all so much better

I'm already planning to leave him cookies in a dish
Santa's cool and oh-so-smart
I know that he will grant my wish
Because I saw him wearing some at Wal Mart.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, regardless of what you wear on your feet.


RottenMom said...

Most beautiful Christmas poem ever. I do hope you get those shoes. XO

Why, it's Clark! said...

Aw, thanks. And Merry Christmas to you and the rest of America's Most Talented Family.

RS Gold said...

Most beautiful Christmas poem ever.
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allen said...

And Merry Christmas to you and the rest of America's Most Talented Family.
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