$ometime$, I enjoy the finer thing$

I know I come off as a working-class "everyman" to whom everyone can relate, but I have my sophisticated side too, a part of me that likes to look down on people for no good reason. Last night, I was craving small portions of food that have to be arranged geometrically on a plate in order to be enjoyed so I ate dinner at a restaurant named after a French-sounding adjective that makes food that looks like this:

It looks like this because THIS IS THEIR ACTUAL FOOD!

It's located in South Tampa so you know it's sophisticated! Everything south of Kennedy Boulevard automatically costs at least $5 more than it does anywhere else. Why? Location! Location! Location! South Tampa is just better than everywhere else. Even the pets are better looking than your prom date. Take this simple test:

Do you live in South Tampa? (Choose one)

• Yes

• Inferior

See? Can't argue with test results. 

I started with an $11 soup that's made by two chefs throwing an onion back and forth over a pot of boiling water.

For my entree, I chose the pampered chicken shanks, lightly terrified with a confused demi-glace and a side order of antisemitic trumpet leeks. 

Dessert was a stewed cheesecake brioche muffin, served left-handed. 

I left hungry and unable to make my mortgage payment at the end of the month. It was magnificent!