Happy my birthday to you!

In honor of my birthday in February, Side Splitters Comedy Club sent me an email offer for two free tickets to an upcoming show.

How nice of them!

I selected the show with headliner Chris Roach on Friday, February 17th at 8:00PM. But, uh-oh, I can't sit there and watch that show, BECAUSE I'M HOSTING IT! Silly me, I totally forgot!

Well, what's done is done; might as well let someone enjoy my birthday present and profit from my stupidity. Anybody who expresses interest in wanting these tickets between now and my actual birthday (Monday February 6) will be entered into a drawing to get them. Maybe leave a comment here. That seems like a good way (death threats and ads for knock-off sunglasses will not be considered for obvious reasons).
If you're the only person who does that, your odds of winning are REALLY good! If nobody does it, it'll be my saddest birthday ever and I've had some really sad birthdays. So everybody wins!! Yay!
Did I mention that these are really good seats? These are really good seats. Not in the front row, because I know some people are afraid of that, but very close to the stage.

CHRIS ROACH

(w/ your host Clark Brooks and special guest TBA)

Friday

Feb 17, 2017

8:00 PM 

(Doors at 7:30 PM)

Side Splitters Comedy Club

12938 North Dale Mabry Highway

Tampa, FL 33618

(813) 960-1197

Thank you, Burger King!

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this or not, but I'm pretty much completely off of fast food. I might not have, because I'm not one of these people who feel a need to share every last nuanced detail of my personal life. Then again, I could have posted a 700 word post about it because I'm a self-obsessed jackass who is just as prone to oversharing as anyone else. Who knows? Sure, I could do a quick search and find out for sure, but I don't want to.

The point is I don't eat food from fast food restaurants anymore. Mostly.

SOME BRIEF BACKGROUND: I lost most of whatever attraction I had to fast food (Convenience? Value? Quality? All myths) once when I was eating something from Checkers that was just awful. Three bites into whatever horrendous, hot, salted lard lump from a colorful paper bag, shoved at me through a window by some sullen teenager, I just became disgusted and threw it in the trash. I didn't ask for my money back, choosing instead to let it be a life lesson. "Man, Checkers is straight-up garbage." Since then, I cut way, way back on anything allegedly edible purchased from a drive-thru.

But I'm human and weak. And the other day, for whatever reason, I found myself craving a Whopper (with cheese), the flagship burger from Burger King. Nostalgia? Advertising? Self-loathing? All I know is I wanted one.

Here's what it looks like, according to Burger King...

That is one good looking hamburger sandwich! The perfect sesame-seeded dome on top. Sweet creamy mayo. Lettuce so healthy that it appears to be growing on the sandwich itself, like the ivy on the outfield walls at Wrigley Field. Bright, vibrant tomatoes. Cool onion slices, some crispy pickles and ketchup lying on the burger itself, all on top of a soft foamy bottom bun.
What an aesthetically inviting meat item! I wanted one!

So I went to my neighborhood Burger King and ordered myself a Whopper with cheese.
And this is the exact item that I received...

Quite a difference, eh?
Of course I was disappointed, but I thought, "Maybe they just screwed up. They just got the order wrong and slapped a piece of meat between the (deflated, mangled, fissured) buns. I know there are psychos out there who order that kind of thing on purpose. No problem, it's an error that can be fixed."
But then I lifted the top bun, and I swear to you this is true, all the stuff was there! Lettuce, mayo, tomatoes, onions, pickles, ketchup and cheese. None of it looking like anything from the top picture, though. It was all just kind of...droopy. But it wasn't an employee error. Whoever made it, did so exactly as the recipe demands. Can't blame the craftsman if all he has to work with is a set of droopy tools.

I didn't complain. I didn't ask for my money back; technically, they gave me what I ordered. Even though this isn't a burger that should be presented as the signature menu item of a successful global corporation that's been in business for decades. This is a burger that's fallen on hard times and now blows guys in the restroom at the bus station for crack money. As such, I just threw it in the trash and left.

But thanks, Burger King. Sincerely. Because of you, I think I'm finally completely cured from any desire whatsoever to visit a fast food restaurant ever again.

Why I'm not performing at any of the Presidential Inauguration festivities

Donald Trump will be officially sworn in as the 45th President of the United States tomorrow. Leading up to the ceremony and all the galas celebrating the event has been talk of all the performers who will not be participating.

I'm one of them and I'd like to use this forum to explain why.

First of all, I need to be very clear about this: I wasn't asked. Not only was I not asked, I'm sure I wasn't even considered. I'm positive of that. That's because there's no good reason that I would be. Ever. I'm not exactly a "name" and as such, I'm not showing up on any kind of radar that would make anybody consider saying "let's get this guy" for a high profile event like a Presidential Inauguration or even anything bigger than a medium-sized wedding reception. At this point in my comedy career, I am getting paid to perform but I'm also subject to being bumped by a kid ventriloquist at any given gig. That's where I am in the grand scheme of things.

"Okay Clark, you can still do 10 minutes but you'll be following Jimmy and His Pal Scratchmo."

So yeah, that's a big part of it. The biggest part of it, if I'm being honest, which I am. There was no invitation nor even a slight chance that there would ever be an invitation.

Even if I had been invited, (and barring a late phone call today, it looks fairly certain that I won't be) I would have said no thanks. That's because I simply don't think Trump is qualified in any way whatsoever to serve as the President of the United States and in no way do I want to offer anything remotely resembling validation of him assuming that role. There are dozens of examples of his erratic, ego-driven behavior, complete lack of self-control and utter resistance to being held accountable for any of it. Any one of those should give a reasonable person pause and I don't need to detail them again here. Safe to say I'm appalled at all of it and I'm horrified that he's going to be in a position to do real harm to people, not only in terms of their access to hard-earned Constitutional rights but his total lack of sound judgment in all areas.

Not me, of course. I'm a white, heterosexual male. In all likelihood, I'll be fine, as always.

Unless, you know...

I like to think beyond my own personal preferences and desires when it comes to big things that affect other people, though. And not because I believe that I'm some superior person who is qualified to look down and judge others due to the stellar job I'm doing as a human being. Far from it. I frequently wear underwear that is in such bad shape that it takes effort to determine what holes the legs go through but I don't throw them away because the waistband is intact. 

I am a severely flawed individual. 

However, I look at history and times when people fought oppression and injustice, applied those instances to me and my life and how I think I would have responded and I've always found myself on the right side of these disagreements. Every time. So I think I have pretty good discretion when it comes to knowing the difference between right and wrong.

Granted, in most of these incidents, with the benefit of hindsight, it's hard to understand why there were ever "sides" in the first place. 

It remains to be seen how this all plays out, but based on my grasp of historical context, my understanding of current events and, most importantly, my conscience, I feel good about the choices I'm making around all of this.

People have accused me of hoping Trump will fail, a foolish proposition because his failure affects us all. Well, I don't necessarily want him to fail because that is true. Anything he fucks up is going to be fucked up for everybody. It's just that he's shown me nothing to indicate that he is capable of succeeding in terms of acting in the best interest of a common good. He can't even make it through a week without getting his feelings hurt by skits on Saturday Night Live. Jesus Christ!

Also, if my ability to hope for things had any actual power behind it, I wouldn't give a shit who the President is.

Most of the people who accuse me of that also say I'm too politically correct and therefor, what is wrong with America, just because I don't sprinkle my vocabulary with words like 'retard', 'faggot', 'cunt' and 'nigger' and my belief that while life will never be completely fair for everybody, if the resources are available to help people, they should be used for that. I'm pretty okay with standing in opposition to those people.

I came across this on Facebook the other day:

"It is a mistake for Democrats to boycott Trump's inauguration. When MLK fought segregation he went TO the places that didn't want him. If you are feeling disenfranchised disassociating yourself will only strengthen the disenfranchisement. If you choose to look at Trump as the enemy it is wiser to share champagne than spit it back at him."

Okay. That's an opinion and the individual who posted is certainly entitled to it. I'd just like to point out one tiny but significant difference; when MLK and other civil rights activists visited difficult areas, it wasn't to help celebrate their accomplishments. And he sure as shit didn't drink champagne with oppressive people.

"I know guys, but trust me, the meatloaf here is terrific!"

The point is, doing the right thing not only isn't always easy, I'm not sure it ever really is. But I'm not here to tell anybody what to do or how to think or even to try to exert influence over their opinions. All I'm saying is my eyes are open, my conscience is clear and I believe the decisions I make are sound.

Anyway, that is the reason I will not be among the people performing at any of the Presidential Inauguration festivities tomorrow and this weekend.
Well, I mean, mostly because I wasn't invited and there wasn't a prayer on earth or in heaven that I would be. That's, like 99%, of it, but the other stuff too. 

Let's Fix It!

Welcome to Let's Fix It!, the show where you call in with something that's broken and we work together... to fix it! I'm your host Bob and I'm told we got a whole bunch of things that need fixing today, so let's get right to it.
It looks like our first caller is Laura, phoning in from Twin Peaks, Washington.

"Hi. Thanks for taking my call. I have a ceiling fan that isn't working right."

Pesky ol' ceiling fan, eh? Heh heh! What seems to be wrong with it?

"I actually sent over a video because it would be a lot easier to show you than tell you."

Is that right? Do we have that video? Oh, we do? Well, let's take a look-see!



Oh my.

"Yeah."

Generally, you don't see that kind of thing in a ceiling fan. They're pretty simple. You wire them into your home's electricity, mount them to your ceiling and pull the chain. If the blades spin, it's working. if not, it isn't.

"So what should I do?"

Well, I don't have a lot of experience with what appears to be some sort of otherworldly, malevolent presence inhabiting a common household appliance and somehow speaking to you through it. I guess the best advice I could offer is to set your house on fire, get out of there and never go back.

"Wow, Bob. Wow."

Sorry I couldn't be of more help. But hey, good luck Laura! Coming up after the commercial break, Carol Anne from Cuesta Verde in Orange County, California needs help with a malfunctioning television set! So stay tuned!

Plug 2 of 2 this week

Here's something I'm doing in Ybor City this Saturday (tomorrow)...

It's at Urban Phoenix Studios and it's a benefit performance, so it's going to help people.

The Not Normal Show

A benefit for the oppressed and in-crisis people of Tampa Bay

Urban Phoenix Studios

2002 E. 5th Ave #103

Tampa, FL

8:00 PM

SATURDAY!

Plug 1 of 2 this week

Here's something I'm doing in Lakeland tonight:

It's at the Pink Piano and I'm very excited about the name of the venue itself. It sounds like it might be a where Chandell hides from Batman...

Come see me and some other Tampa comics try our hand at delivering the yuckity yucks in Polk County.

The Comedy Carnival

The Pink Piano

1015 S. Florida Ave

Lakeland, FL

8:00 PM
TONIGHT!

I have nothing for you today, except this video of a dog playing the trombone. Enjoy.

Hi.
I'm sick.
Actually, I'm better. Thanks for asking. But I was sick, for, like, five days.
As such, I haven't been writing.
As such, I don't have any non-suck material for you.
Had I been writing and presented that to you here today, it's highly likely that it would have been confusing and/or disappointing, which is always a risk when it comes to this. But the difference is I'm not up to being interrogated about it or analyzing it after the fact, as though I'm presenting a thesis or releasing a Beatles album or something.

So yeah, sorry about that.

Here's a ten-second video of a dog playing the trombone to compensate you for your loss.
 If you believe a dog can play a trombone, you should have no trouble believing he can read sheet music too. Not my dog, not my trombone, not my sheet music. Don't give me any shit about that either, please.

Reactions and how to (mis)manage them

The other day, I got this message via my web site:

Name (redacted)
Email (redacted)@gmail.com
Subject writers
Message Hi Clark, I’m a comedy writer who lives in Largo. I’m touching base to see if you ever have a use for writers or cartoons in your act and merchandising. If so, I’d like to visit with you. .If you are interested, I can provide a writing resume, samples, etc. I hope to hear back from you. Sincerely, (redacted)

This message was submitted from your website contact form: http://www.clarkbrooks.com/contact.html

Hmm. I'm conflicted over how I feel about this. Here are the ego-driven reactions fighting for attention in my ego-driven head:

I'M INSULTED!
How dare someone suggest that I need anything in terms of help! I'm a home run hitter! I score touchdowns! Look at my track record! Look at my deployment of sports metaphors!

I'M ARROGANT!
This guy thinks he can offer help to me? This guy, who started a sentence with a period...

...thinks he's in position to offer guidance to me as a writer? Scoffity scoff scoff!

I'M FLATTERED!
I shared this with the unfailingly-wise Vivienne Brown, whose reaction was "Someone is looking at you like a paycheck". Gosh, me? Someone sees me as a star to which they want to hitch their wagon!

I'M HUMBLED!
Maybe I should consider hiring him. I should at least look at his resume. Am I perfect? Of course not. There's always room for improvement, after all. Even Hank Aaron had hitting coaches. Not that he ever needed to listen to them...

I'M INSECURE!
Of course I need to hire someone to help me. I suck.

I'M MISSING THE POINT!
Merchandising? Hmm. T-shirts and action figures and shit? Hmmmmmm...