It's annual holiday extravaganza special time again!

Once again, we're smack in the middle of the holiday season and once again, that means it's time to bring back your favorite immature robot with a foul mouth in lieu of writing new stuff!

Enjoy as much as possible!



Hey, do you want to see more videos? Then click here! (WARNING: Not all of them feature profanity-spewing robots.)

Holiday hiatus space-fillers!

Hey, I'm taking the next two weeks off for the Holidays because unlike previous years, I have a reason to do so. Don't worry about it. It's not really something that anybody needs to care about at this point.

I may pop in and out to plug shows (that's gonna happen, I'm sorry) or something but no regularly scheduled new material 'til after The New Yearsss.

Anyway, here is some holiday stuff (some of which, I post every year and some of which is new... for this site anyway) to keep you occupied until I come back.









And lastly, the beloved ridiculously inconsistent foul-mouthed robot family classic...



Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa and all around Happy Holidays of every kind to you and all the people you like!

Christmas Holiday Time Extravaganza!

Oh no, did you think I forgot my annual Happy Holidays gift to you, that being the most beloved animated Christmas feature since that one with the neurotic, round-headed kids running around like maniacs and learning life lessons?

Ho ho ho, you misguided idiot!

Every year, since 2010 I've shared with you the whimsical adventure of a foul-mouthed robot's attempts to enjoy the holiday season in spite of the efforts of his stick-in-the-mud, play-it-by-the-book, sucking-every-possible-ounce-of-enjoyment-from-his-life girlfriend, and there's no reason to stop now. So sit back and relax for four minutes and seven seconds whilst you enjoy the YouTube video that has been by literally dozens (just over three dozens, actually) of people, "A Merrily Inconsistent Christmas"!



And with that, I'm off for a while. See ya real soon.

Joyful and triumphant

Lent, or something like it

Last night, I had dinner with a friend of mine who is Catholic.

ME: Hey, so you're Catholic, right?
HER: (Sighs, rolls eyes, sets silverware down, folds hands and puts them in her lap) Yes. Why?
ME: Because as you know, I'm an ordained minister.
HER: Of course. How could I ever possibly forget? (rolls eyes again)
ME: You're pretty good at that eye-rolling thing. But back to the matter at hand, I really like what your new guy is doing.
HER: Yes, Pope Francis is the dynamic and innovative leader that the church has needed for some time.
ME: Yeah, he's cool. Radical new ideas regarding love and acceptance, transforming an established, traditional institution from the top down. I dig that.
HER: Well, thank you.
ME: So I think I want to Catholicize my act a little. And this being the day before Lent begins, it seems like now would be a good time to kind of check it out.
HER: And what does that mean exactly?
ME: As far as forming the philosophy behind my ministry, I sort of go through the various religions and pick the stuff that sounds good, kind of like a sushi menu. "Oh, I'm not doing that. Ooh, that looks good!".
HER: I didn't know that was allowed.
ME: I'm not sure it is but it keeps me from having to support questionable standards and practices. It keeps me open-minded to the views of others and allows me to serve as a spiritual leader to those who might need me to serve as such and whatever.
HER: I don't believe you have any followers and I'd be nervous if you did but overall, that actually seems reasonable. All right, what do you want to know?
ME: Here's what I know about Lent; I'm supposed to give up something I enjoy for the 40 days as an act of sacrifice leading up to Easter Sunday.
HER: That's... kind of mostly correct. It's to prepare you through prayer, penance, atonement, self-denial and repentance of sin for the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ on Easter Sunday. It's also observed by other churches. It's not strictly a Catholic thing.
ME: Right. That's what I said.
HER: You should think of it as more than doing without something you like for 40 days; you should use that time to be more humble and contemplative.
ME: Ooh. Ooh ooh ooh.
HER: Why are you ooh-ooh-ing?
ME : The humble and contemptuous things are not strong suits for me.
HER: Contemplative. And if you know you're weak in those areas, this would be an ideal time to work on them. So maybe this is more than a big joke to you and actually a good idea. I'm interested to see how you deal with it.

Oh, me too.

Anyway, the bottom line is I'm doing Lent this year. It took me a while to figure out what to give up. I stopped drinking soda a few weeks ago, otherwise that would have been the obvious, easy choice. I don't indulge that much in sweets so that would have been to easy. I eventually decided to give up meat. I'll be a vegetarian. That's a fairly drastic change for me so this will be a good test for me. We'll see how it works out.

So that was 2013

Let's see;
I survived an ailment that I thought was going to kill me in my sleep, I helped Peter Pan get his boat back, I continued to collaborate with some great writers with The Unbelievables and at Raw Charge.com, I published a book, I threw a party to celebrate the publication of said book, I bought and moved into a new home, and I finally committed my first real wedding.

Those are all pretty cool and significant things, things that one could look back on with a real sense of pride and self-satisfaction.
Then how come my fondest memory of the year was that time a blind girl's wheelchair tipped over and I was able to see up her skirt for a second?
Oh well. Here's to next year.

Happy New Year

Originally published December 31, 2008

All through the house, 'twas the eve 'fore '09,

All the creatures were stirring, man, woman, bovine.

The mission was simple; an epic pub crawl,

to down as much booze before hearing "Last call!"

To get myself psyched up, I listened to rap,

And put on my favorite backwards baseball cap.

The car keys were hung by the tv with care,

Cops don't like drunk drivers, no mercy to spare.

I would be walking, no, stumbling more apt.

And wouldn't come home home 'til my wallet was tapped.

When out in the yard there arose such a ruckus,

I looked out the window and said "what the fuck is..."

But my query was cut off, halfway out my throat,

When I saw parked in my yard what looked like a boat.

A salty old pirate came scuttling out,

"I'm Captain Morgan!", he announced with a shout.

"You've been invited to come join my crew!"

That pop that you heard was my mind when it blew.

I couldn't believe it. My brain playing tricks?

Or another dumb prank by my friends, who are dicks.

That's when he called out to the rest of his gang,

"Come show yourselves", and their names he then sang;

"Now, vodka! now, whiskey! now, Thunderbird vino!

Some applejack brandy with San Pellegrino!

Margarita, Rumrunner, Long Island Iced Tea

Fuzzy Navels, Martinis, now come follow me!

Budweiser, Michelob, Miller Lite, Coors!

And other shitty domestics, if I didn't mention yours!"

This was amazing, my best dream come true,

Of course I would join this fabulous crew!

But before I could answer, what to my eyes did appear?

Great, big, ol' wet spots on my jeans, front and rear.

I said, "Uh-oh, this ain't right. What is the matter?"

And found my hand submerged in a bowl of warm water.

I raised up my head and I looked in a mirror.

On my face, penned in Sharpie, it said, "Insert balls here".

The crew and the Captain were laughing at me.

"Oh gross", one of them said, "He slept in his own pee!"

I squinted my eyes so I could focus on them

And saw no captain or ship; just my own so-called friends.

While they took turns laughing and being disgusted at my state,

I mumbled "Izzit NewYear?" They said "Dude, you're too late."

It turns out I got drunk, passed out hours ago.

Slept right through the damn thing, missed the whole Dick Clark show.

I couldn't believe it, the whole thing was a dream

Never should have mixed tequila with Baileys Irish Cream.

I pulled myself upright and promptly puked up some beer.

and said "Keep laughing, you assholes. I'll get you next year."

Merry no longer Christmas but not quite New Years although it IS Friday, so that's good Day

"She's been like that since Wednesday. Should we do something?"

Like the last of the stuffing from Christmas dinner (come on, it's gone...you're just scraping the dish with a spoon now and it's embarrassing..all right, go ahead and lick the spoon...Jesus), we've reached the end of the epic Christmas poems. This one was inspired by that most dreaded of all Christmas songs, "The Christmas Shoes". This version, originally published on December 23rd, 2011,  is not nearly as sad, yet somehow, it's more pathetic (I guess I'm a genius).

The Christmas Velcro Shoes

As I get older every day, 

So many things that I have learned.

Like, an oven filled with microwaves 

Turned up to 10 makes popcorn burned

Some other lessons I've picked up

I choose to ignore or to use 

Like drinking whiskey from a coffee cup

Or not wasting time by tying shoes

Since I've discovered footwear with velcro

I can't be bothered with silly strings

To me, this is the way to go

More valuable than Five Golden Rings

There are no laces so I don't get knots,

That I would have to snip

I just grab

that velcro tab

Tug it once and hear it rip

Also, I don't worry about kids I meet

with crumb-encrusted faces

Crawling down between my feet

And tying together my laces

I have one pair in stealthy black

Another in a pearly white

Stylishly, I'm not held back

Even if I were to meet Jesus tonight.

It's not that I can't tie a bow

(I'd learned how by second grade)

But shoelaces come from...where? I don't know

While velcro is American made

That's why I mentioned to Santa Claus

In my lengthy annual letter

Don't give me no shoes with inherent flaws

When velcro makes it all so much better

I'm already planning to leave him cookies in a dish

Santa's cool and oh-so-smart

I know that he will grant my wish

Because I saw him wearing some at Wal Mart.

Merry (day after) Christmas 2013

"You know, Mildred, I don't believe that boy actually knows how to play that guitar..." 

Hey, did you get everything opened, played with, cleaned up, cooked and eaten yesterday? Ready to sit back, relax and enjoy the cheery, warm afterglow of the season? Well, go ahead. You've earned it. Let me play a little song for you while you do, all right? Okay, good.

Christmas is over (if you want it) 

Originally wriiten and published December 26, 2008 

(This is in C, if you're singing along) 

So this was Christmas 

And what did I do'd? 

Sat in my apartment 

And ate Chinese food 

And so this was Christmas 

Without any cryin' 

Caught up on old re-runs 

Of Conan O'Brien 

(This is the part where my Japanese girlfriend, an off-the-wall avant-garde conceptual artist who would absolutely refuse to wear a school girl's uniform no matter what, would join in...if I had one) 

A semi-Merry Christmas 

Crack open a beer 

Let's try to get excited 

About a Happy New Year 

(me again) 

And so this was Christmas 

Guess I'll take down the tree 

Or just leave it up all year 

For the neighbors to see 

I'm almost that lazy 

And I could start a new trend 

What do you think, 

Japanese conceptual artist girlfriend? 

(She would sing in Courier for some reason. I don't know why) 

Everybody loves a freak show 

That's why we are here 

But that idea is stupid 

Without merit, I fear 

(Children's choir joins in...) 

Christmas is over 

Quit your whin-ing 

Get off your ass 

Do some shop-ping 

(repeat until you feel utterly compelled to get up and go to Best Buy)

Merry Christmas 2013

"Huh? Oh yeah. Murry Chrizmuzzz."

Merry Christmas to you and your friends, families and associates, known or otherwise. Please celebrate with this poem I wrote and origihnally published in 2009

(Sing to the tune of "Silver Bells" if you're so inclined)

Scattered, smothered, chunked and covered

World's greatest hash browns

In the air

There's a feeling of breakfast

Bikers, truckers

Smearing Smucker's

On pieces of white toast

And in every corner booth you'll hear

"Waffle House, Waffle House

Only place open on Christmas

It's a treat, when we eat

Here, every year, Christmas day"

Waffles, pancakes

Pork chops and steaks

Grilled bacon patty melts too

You won't find much health food

On this menu

Orders shouting

Coffee spouting

Martha Stewart's nightmare

And above all the bustle

You'll hear

"Waffle House, Waffle House

Only place open on Christmas

It's a treat, when we eat

Here, every year, Christmas day"

But next year, maybe dear,

Perhaps we could have Chinese

Perhaps we could have Chinese