Local festivals in a slump?

By almost all accounts, Guavaween, Tampa Bay's Halloweenual celebration of costumed revelry, stunk out loud this year. A projected crowd of over 50,000 people turned out to be closer to about 15,000. I didn't go, but as part of my "real" job I drove partygoers to Ybor City. I did the same thing last year and the closest I could get to drop people off near an entry point was about a quarter of a mile away, and that was early in the day. Once the sun went down, you didn't want to cross Nebraska Avenue for fear of being stuck in gridlock for the rest of the night. This year, I was able to drive right up to a ticket booth on 8th Avenue all night long. So even though I didn't attend, I could tell something was off. If you think 15,000 is still a lot of people showing up, it is...if you called your buddies and said you were grilling some burgers in your backyard. But to an event planner who's expecting more than three times that many, it's the very definition of a disaster.
Speculation on what went wrong cites several factors, including the calendar (this year's event was on Halloween) unseasonably warm weather (it's November and it's still 80° and brutally humid), a change in parade policy that eliminated floats (which resulted in less participation from the various krewes, aka "them rich folk what throw the beads") and Todd Bray, the founder of the Krewe of Fort Brooke said in the St. Pete Times, "Quite frankly, you can blame it on the economy."
Please. I'm so tired of everything from slow business to why my left foot itches being blamed on the economy. I work part time at the Ford Amphitheatre where crowds of 15,000 spend a lot more than the $17 it cost to get into Guavaween for an evening's entertainment all the time, so I'm not buying that line. That's the thing though: an evening's entertainment is not throwing a chain link fence around Ybor City and charging people to get in to see and participate in what goes on there during any given Saturday night, more or less.
Anyway, between this and growing dissatisfaction with how people conduct themselves at Gasparilla (the area's marquee event), our ongoing attempt to become Brazil Jr. is hitting some bumps in the road lately. Help us, Strawberry Festival. You're our only hope!

Pictures tellin' stories

One of the people I follow on Twitter is a guy named Andy Gray, who is in charge of Sports Illustrated's online photo archive. He likes to post amazing, and often hilarious, photos from the magazine's collection. So far, this one of University of Kentucky cheerleaders is my favorite...Was this taken during a particularly tense moment in a tightly contested basketball game or on the first day black students showed up on campus?

Hey, what's that pie chart thing in the margin over there?

Oh that? That's just a simple and highly un-scientific way to illustrate which of Tampa Bay's major league sports franchises is most likely to be the next to win a world championship.
The data is based on a mathematical formula that assigns numerical values to certain factors for each team, such as their current record and place in the standings and how they performed last season among other things. You see, sports lends itself to measurement and comparison through the compilation of statistics and...oh, shut up. Anyway, this is the Tampa Bay chart, which currently indicates that our hockey team, the Lightning, is the most likely of our three local major league teams to have a parade held in their honor. You might be wondering why the Buccaneers, who are godawful, and the Rays, who are pretty good, seem to have pie slices about the same size. That is almost entirely because the Rays aren't active right now (can't win a championship if you aren't playing) while the Bucs are currently playing and not yet mathematically eliminated from participating in postseason play. That means you can expect this chart to look different in about two weeks.

I don't track every team in sports this way, because that would be obsessive and sad and...oh, shut up. But just for fun, I made some charts for other metropolitan areas.



This is the New York chart. With the Yankees two wins away from winning the World Series, it's obvious why the chart looks this way. I tried to assign actual team colors to each entry but New York has so many teams with similar colors that I had to get creative. I chose gray to represent the Yankees because it's the color it turns my soul when I think about them winning another championship.

Here's a chart for Chicago. In this case, it's a simple and highly un-scientific way to illustrate what is most likely to inspire hope in the hearts of the city's people before eventually making them swear in public.

Here's the Los Angeles/Anaheim chart. It's pretty. Just like all the people who live there.

I thought it would be interesting to do a chart for Pittsburgh because the city is home to two dominant franchises (defending world champions) in their respective sports who are both on pace to be title contenders again this season. But it's hard to do a chart for Pittsburgh because all three teams wear the same colors. Let's lighten it up a bit...

Looks like the Penguins red-hot start (11-3) has given them an edge! And then...there's the Pirates. Yikes. I wonder if people in Pittsburgh look at the Pirates like the aspiring humor writer in a family full of highly successful neurosurgeons.

One thing about living in Green Bay; while people may disagree on whether the glass is half full or half empty, the pie chart is always full.

An important reminder about this "extra" hour you've been given

"I object to being told that I am saving daylight when my reason tells me that I am doing nothing of the kind... At the back of the Daylight Saving scheme, I detect the bony, blue-fingered hand of Puritanism, eager to push people into bed earlier, and get them up earlier, to make them healthy, wealthy, and wise in spite of themselves." --Robertson Davies, The Diary of Samuel Marchbanks, 1947

"I like to sleep." --Clark Brooks, This blog, 2009

Passive aggressive? Maybe. Awesome? YES!!!

In the movies, the characters portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger used to get their messages across with swords, machine guns and bare hands. But this is real life and he's the governor of California now and those methods of conveying displeasure just won't do. So what now? Oh! I know! How about an accidentally/on purpose acrostic poem?

The official response from Schwarzenegger's office?

"My goodness, what a strange coincidence. I suppose when you do so many vetoes, something like this is bound to happen." -- spokesman Aaron McLear

Personally, I think the million monkeys typing on a million typewriters for a million years would get at least halfway through "Hamlet" before they'd come up with something like this.

Look! The pretty blonde lady is back!

From the Associated Press:
Judge says Lafave allowed contact with children

TAMPA, Fla. — A judge says former teacher and sex offender Debra Lafave is allowed to have contact with the children of family and friends.
Lafave is the former middle-school teacher who pleaded guilty in 2005 to having sex with a 14-year-old boy who was a student at the school where she worked. She served 2 1/2 years of house arrest and is still on sex-offender probation.
After a hearing Thursday, Circuit Judge Wayne Timmerman said that because Lafave has completed sex-offender therapy, state law allows her "appropriate" unsupervised contact with minors. Prosecutors did not object.
Lafave still isn't allowed to live near a school or work with children.
Her attorney called it "a good step forward." Lafave did not comment.

Now I've crunched some numbers around this situation as they pertain to gender and I'd like to share my findings with you...

• 70% - Likelihood that this is something that would not even be considered if Debra Lafave were a man.
• 97.5% - Amount of people who would not be okay with this if Debra Lafave were a man.
• 0.8% - Likelihood that his name would still be "Debra" if Debra Lafave were a man.

(Margin of error: plus or minus 100%, because I could be completely off-base with all of this; I just don't think I am)

Parents, coach thyselves

The stereotypes of bad youth sports coaches and psychotic youth sports parents have been a prevalent part of pop culture at least since the original "The Bad News Bears" came out in 1976. Unfortunately, as is always the case, these stereotypes exist because they have roots in truth. Also unfortunately, as is almost always the case, these stereotypes still exist, a sad fact that was learned last week by my pal Catherine Durkin Robinson and chronicled here and here.
I'd like to pile on by sharing my own personal experience...

A long time ago, I was asked by my boss to umpire at North Tampa Little League, where his kid played. It sounded like fun, so even though it was strictly on a volunteer basis, I said sure. My very first game, I was assigned to umpire behind home plate on a field where home plate faced due west. I don't know what kind of idiot orients a baseball field so batters, catchers and umpires have to face directly into the late afternoon setting sun, but there I was. Subject to the questionable control of 11-year-old pitchers and a typical Florida summer sun blasting my retinas, I couldn't even get out of the way of half the pitches, let alone call them balls or strikes. Imagine the anxiety of the catcher who had probably yet to develop significant trust in his protective cup, not to mention the hitters who didn't have the benefit of chest protectors and face masks. After a few minutes of watching balls ricochet off of helmets, elbows and unswung bats or just sail past everybody and slam into the chainlink backstop, the coaches of both teams called time out and we huddled at the plate, where they suggested that we postpone for a half hour or so and wait for the sun to set. I was impressed by an intelligent proposal from reasonable men who obviously were concerned with the welfare of the players on both teams and said yes, by all means, let's do that. After about ten minutes, just as the spots in my eyes were going away, the league president came running over from one of the other fields, screaming at me. "You can't postpone! We have games scheduled after this one! What's the matter with you?" I replied, "Nobody can see. It's a safety concern. Someone's going to get hurt." "I don't give a shit!", he screamed back. "Get both teams back on the field right now or they both forfeit." I was pissed. "Fine. But this is my first and last game. See you tomorrow." Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you; the league president was my boss at the time.

Look, sports can be great for giving kids a little toughness that they might not otherwise get. But that comes from learning first-hand that scraped elbows and knees heal, that you count on your teammates and they count on you, that it's okay to get your hands and clothes dirty and that winning is awesome and losing sucks (sorry, "...it's how you play the game"ers, but that last one's indisputably true). It doesn't come from adults screaming and hollering and generally conducting themselves like maniacs. Drill sergeants in the military do that because they're preparing young people for the psychological stress of war. In spite of athletes being labeled "warriors" and games being referred to as "battle", sports at any level are never, ever even close to anything remotely resembling war. And anybody who doesn't know that lacks the perspective to be involved in youth sports...or the military, for that matter.

I got your back, Sam

Oh, how I despise the Yankees and everything they stand for.

Cable's revenge

I've been enjoying watching tv shows on the computer. You get the whole episode with about three commercial breaks, during which they show one ad. Since a half hour show really only has 22 minutes of content, you watch the whole thing in about 25 minutes. It's pretty awesome.
Unless...
There's a glitch and the site stays locked on the commercial during one of the breaks (which is the secret fear that grips us every time the ads come on isn't it? "What if the show doesn't come back?!?") and the only way to get out of it is to refresh, which starts the whole thing over with no guarantees that the glitch won't happen again. Then it sucks.

Once again, those awful professional athletes our leading our young people astray

An update (sorta) on this from last week...

From the Associated Press: "An Idaho junior hockey team was banished temporarily from a city ice rink after players engaged in a game of 'strip hockey' — shedding a piece of uniform every time a practice shot missed its mark."

There are only three conclusions that can be drawn from this (well, four if you include that there must not be any crime in Idaho if this kind of thing demands a police investigation):

1. The Idaho Junior Steelheads can't shoot worth a damn
2. The Idaho Junior Steelheads have exceptionally good goalies
3. The Idaho Junior Steelheads enjoy taking off their clothes in public

Kitty no likey

I am a cat owner. As a result of buying cat food and signing up online for coupons and whatnot, I occasionally receive emails from a cat safety advocacy group called "CatAge". This week's email concerns Halloween costumes for kitties, which I will share with you now [with editorial comments] in the interest of sharing concerns about cat welfare with responsible cat owners and concerns about stupidity on behalf of dumbasses who own cats.

"Halloween costumes for pets are all the rage these days. Dogs tend to tolerate dressing up much better than cats [much like everything else in the whole universe], but if your kitty doesn't mind (that hissing sound will be your first clue, if he does), try the bat-cat getup or a Dr. Seuss hat. Just make sure your kitty is enjoying his costume as much as you are [this scenario is virtually impossible to imagine], and that you consider the following things about the getup:

• It's the right fit -- not so tight that it constricts your cat's breathing, circulation, or movement, and not so loose that it entangles him [cats have extremely liberal interpretations of loose and tight; being locked in a spacious cat carrier for a 10 minute drive to the vet is traumatizing, cramming into a size 8 shoebox for no good reason at all is good times].
• It's made of the right materials -- nonflammable and free of dangling bells, baubles, or strings he could choke on [in other words, anything about it that the cat might find remotely appealing].
• It's the right time to wear it [showing off on a first date probably does not qualify]-- worn only in your presence, and only long enough to snap a few photos; remove if your cat shows any signs of discomfort [being pissed off], anxiety [pissed off], or panic [pissedoffedness].

How about you just don't do it? Your cat is going to interpret your sudden desire to wrap it in cloth as an indication that you've lost your mind. Because your cat doesn't know it's Halloween or even why that matters. What your cat does know is where you sleep and that you are not a big fan of having your stuff peed on. Is it worth it?

"1st Annual Sustainability..." wrap-up

A week ago tonight was the "1st Annual Black & White Sustainability Mixer & Recognition Ceremony", a performance art piece by Ellen Mueller. I plugged it pretty heavily but leading up to it, I didn't say much about what it was...because I couldn't. Not without spoiling the surprise. Now that it's over, I can tell you that it was a mock corporate awards ceremony where a company (I played CEO Jack Fields) honored itself with an award for coming up with an award, in this case, a giant chocolate fish that was consumed by the honorees. Or as Ellen says, "This piece addresses the fanaticism of individuals and corporations, which we see through the presentation of this redundant and self-serving award. Sustainability is addressed through the nature of the award and the theme of the ceremony, while America is shown through the corporate setting and meritocratic nature of the award. And for added effect, this trophy is also edible, because the evening is intended to be about recognition in the present moment, embodying the fact that sustainability is, after all, a problem we have to face today. Therefore, the honorees are encouraged to truly taste the fruits of their labors for us, and they do so with full force, getting messy along the way, and not stopping until the fish is entirely gone...The emphasis on black and white is representative of humans' natural desire for simplicity and duality, which is in direct conflict with the muddled quality of the broad concepts of Fanaticism, Sustainability, and America. The messiness of the chocolate fish contrasts the crisp black and white theme of the evening." Here are some pictures (all photos by Forrest MacDonald http://www.photostudio40.com):

Pre-show with the trophy. That's Ellen in the black dress.

The trophy in all it's glory. Ellen made that too and shows how it was done here.

Pre-show huddle just before doors opened. It looks like I'm trying to interject something important, doesn't it? In all likelihood, that's probably not the case.

Minglers in black & white mingling. We (actors) were mingling too, engaging people in conversations about "green" issues and sustainability concerns. My character, while not a bad guy in the sense of being a villain, was less committed to those concerns and more focused on the company benefiting from the evening, which gave me a great deal of freedom to improv and be glib. "Because if we don't recognize ourselves for coming up with this award, how are people going to know that we did?". I also told an attendee that my favorite green space in the Tampa Bay area is Tropicana Field because they have a massive lawn that never needs cutting, never needs pesticides. He pointed out, "yeah...because it's plastic". To which I replied, "Right! And what's more sustainable than plastic? That stuff lasts forever!" My character was also obsessed with fishing and it was his idea to make the trophy in the form of a fish. This allowed me to talk about fishing a lot, including telling another attendee that I had once shot a shark and that my life's dream was to catch a killer whale.

Care for some chocolate fish? These were served to guests, without napkins, to create some slight discomfort and messy paws. Eat all you want, there's always more.

The presentation begins.

Dynamic CEO (and natty dresser) Jack Fields addresses the crowd: "It's with great pleasure that I'm standing here today. It's not often a CEO gets to address both his business passion and his personal passion in the same breath...but here I am. Now I'm going to be honest; I love fishing. Love it with all my heart. In fact, if there were no fish, I'd consider implementing a six-day work week. Because there would be no point in having weekends. I bet you're thanking your lucky stars for the fish now! But seriously..."

The crowd enjoying themselves. Door prizes were given out!

The honorees, thrilled with their award.

The honorees begin enjoying their award.

They keep eating...

...and eating...

...and eating...

...and eating...

...and eating...

"My god, are they still eating that thing?"

Yep!

They don't look quite as thrilled now though, do they?

Finally, they're done. As in, they simply can't eat any more. Nobody threw up but Ellen said that would be just fine if they did. Performance art, baby!!

Whoops!

A Northwest Airlines flight from San Diego, California to Minneapolis, Minnesota overshot it's destination by about 150 miles because the pilots were distracted.
Okay, okay. First; Considering how fast those planes fly, 150 miles is not that far. It's not necessary to freak out.
Secondly; No, let's go ahead and freak the hell out.
GYAHHHHH!!!
The words "distracted" and "pilots" are words you want to keep as far apart as possible. They claim they were having a "heated discussion over airline policy". Unless that discussion was about the very best and safest way to land a commercial aircraft in Minneapolis, that does not comfort me very much. Although, I guess it's better than being too sleepy to tell the difference between Minneapolis and Eau Claire, Wisconsin, which is something the Federal Aviation Administration is going to investigate. Either way, I'd like to reiterate my earlier point which is GYAHHHHH!!!

Subscribers wanted!

Please check out the videos on my favorite funky rock star's/rocky funk star's very own YouTube channel and then become a subscriber. Then tell her you did so because I asked you to. That way she'll feel she owes me a favor and will come to Florida to play a gig and I will be invited to hang out backstage where I can eat green M & M's and drink herbal tea and pretend that I too am a funky rock star. Thanks.

Jen Leigh

PS: She's also funny and loves dogs.

It's the goofy stuff like this that makes me a sports fan

The Tampa Bay Lightning were goofing around at practice the other day, playing a game called "Naked Shootout", a little deviation from the regular routine to relieve some stress (they've lost their last two games).
The rules of this game are very simple. Everybody takes turns shooting at the goalie and gets to sit down after they score. If you don't score, you have to remove an article of clothing or piece of equipment every time you fail. The object of the game is to simply not be the last one on the ice and certainly not to be naked on the ice. Marty St. Louis, who has been and continues to be one of the very best things to ever happen to sports in Tampa Bay, came very close to losing this game...



To be fair, here's a video that showcases Marty's scoring ability a little better...

Anonymity, schanonymity

In my opinion, the worst thing about reading newspaper stories on line is the reader commentary that follows. Not because I am against readers interacting with the media and each other (quite the opposite, in fact), but because so much of what is posted is stupid, inflammatory garbage that serves no purpose other than to incite anger and shock.
The St. Pete Times has taken steps to clean that up by requiring registration from those who would choose to comment.
Of course, that won't eliminate it completely. People can still make up an alias, but it's something. It doesn't restrict or inhibit free speech, it only assigns some level of accountability, which is not too much to ask.
And I should point out that not all people who post anonymous feedback are cranks. I allow anonymous comments here on this blog and very, very few of them have been anything less than pleasant and complimentary. But I don't get that. Is it possible to feel just passionate and confident enough about your opinion that you would want to take the time to write it down and share it with an audience but not so much that you feel like you can put your name on it? I guess people have their reasons.
Still, I'm glad the St. Pete Times has finally decided to take these measures. I believe you should be allowed to stand up and yell "FIRE!" in a crowded movie theatre (especially if there's a fire) but you should be required to provide your name if asked afterwards.

Why not?

There is a lot of talk about the possibility that the San Diego Padres are seriously considering the prospect of naming Kim Ng their general manager, which would make her the first female in Major League Baseball, or any major league sport for that matter, to hold that position. So much so that at this point, if they don't hire her, they're going to have some explaining to do and that probably won't be pleasant. Of course, if it does happen, it will be a historic moment and will be deservedly celebrated as such...but it's yet another one of those things that makes me wonder if we're as highly evolved as we think we are. Because think about it. What a GM does is oversees the day-to-day baseball operation of the franchise. That means:

• Lead a scouting department that finds and evaluates talent.
• Negotiate contracts with players, coaches, managers and scouts.
• Work with the major league manager to build a competitive team.

There's more and there are nuances, but that's basically it. If a GM can do those three things well, they will be highly successful. What among those three things can anyone who hasn't been frozen in a block of ice since the mid '60s even attempt to argue that a woman couldn't do?

Anyway, if Kim Ng gets the job, I'll certainly raise a glass in her honor among friends who will be thrilled. But part of me will be wondering why it took so long.

Let's talk about the Balloon Boy phenomenon...

I'm two weeks into life without television and I didn't think that much was different, although I was a little concerned about a diminished capacity to follow current events as they happen...until this past Thursday. Now, I can't say that I didn't hear about the whole "Balloon Boy" debacle because it was literally everywhere but without television, I didn't feel sucked in as it unfolded and didn't feel obligated to track the whole thing from start to finish. While much of the nation tuned in hoping not (yeah, right) to witness a disaster involving a young child, I went about doing whatever it was I was doing that day (if you were glued to the tube, feel free to take comfort in the fact that I don't remember what I was doing probably means that I didn't spend my time on anything more worthwhile than you did, because I'm sure that's accurate). Point being, I think that at the end of the day I know about as much about the whole situation as anybody without having surrendered hours following every detail. This makes me feel not so bad about not having tv and I'm not nearly as worried about being able to keep up with current events as I was two weeks ago. But just to be sure, I'd better check and maybe somebody who did watch it can straighten me out where I'm off:

• Initial reports are that a six-year-old kid has gotten into some kind of experimental balloon aircraft and launched himself into the sky.
• Emergency officials follow it, fearing a crash is imminent.
• The thing comes down (did it crash?) but no kid inside!
• The kid's name is Falcon.
• Oh shit! So where is Falcon?
• Ah, Falcon is safe at home. He was found hiding in an attic. Whew!
• Falcon mentions "We did this for a show" to the media. People start to suspect some kind of strange and elaborate hoax...
• It's learned the parents Richard and Mayumi Heene have appeared on the reality tv show "Wife Swap". Hmmm...
• Associates of Richard Heene start coming forward, talking about his plans for a reality show about his family. Uh-oh.
• Falcon tosses his cookies twice during interviews about whether or not the whole thing was a hoax. Gross.


• Richard Heene refers to himself as a scientist.
• Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden says, "He may be nutty, but he's not a professor."
• Charges are expected to be brought against the Heenes, including conspiracy, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, attempting to influence a public authority and false reporting to authorities.
• During the trial it will be revealed that Richard Heene is, in fact Shemp Howard, a time travelling scientist of some renown.

Did I miss anything?

Howling and screaming at Busch Gardens

I won a chance to attend the "Bleedup" (like a Tweetup, only it's bloody because it's Halloween and blood is scary) at Busch Gardens last night, a special event in conjunction with their annual Howl-O-Scream event that was open exclusively to contest winners from Twitter and Facebook. Howl-O-Scream is always one of my favorite annual events but this was something else entirely. For starters, Busch Gardens really went out of their way to hook us up! We received the following:

• Complimentary admission to Howl-O-Scream
• Access to Club enVy, a new 21 and up party area
• Front of the line passes for the haunted houses
• Photo opportunities with Ms. Vayne and her models
• Complimentary parking
• And a backpack full of all kinds of swag

Here are some photos...

This is The Up and Coming Author displaying some of the items we received.

Here's a shot of our passes. The Front Line Fear pass allows you to cut the lines at the haunted houses. There's also one available that includes roller coasters. This is such an awesome perk that it can not be expressed in human language and I am unable to write in grunts, whistles and clicks so all I can tell you is if you go, you must get yourself one of these. You can buy them in advance here or once you're at the park. Coincidentally (or not), they have kiosks selling them right at the end of all the maddeningly long lines. Seriously, treat yourself. You'll be glad you did. Absolutely worth it.

The lovely Carolyn of Busch Gardens: Once bitten, never shy.

Ooh, haunted giraffes! Almost as scary as the real thing!

Asbestos, the host and hype man for Club enVy. The club is a welcome addition to Howl-O-Scream in that it's a place to relax and have adult beverages which was an element that had been absent previously.

This is Tiffany, and she is the most purely evil being we encountered all evening. She kept bringing by these platters of meatballs and I kept having to eat them. She was like Jason and Freddy Krueger and the Terminator in that nothing would stop her relentless serving, even my half-hearted and mostly non-verbalized protests. I...still see her in my nightmares (sob, whimper, whine).

Entertainment at Club enVy. Even more yummy than meatballs.

This is Ms. Vayne and her entourage of vampire/models. Now personally, I'm not really a big fan of all the moody, broody vampires that are infesting every aspect of pop entertainment lately. But the theme of this year's event is the world of high fashion and Ms. Vayne et al are sinewy, narcissistic blood sucking predators. They also happen to be vampires.

Skull: So scary.

Chips: So delicious.

For whatever reason, every year the best haunted house at the event is whatever they set up at the abandoned monorail station (which is pretty spooky on it's own). This year, it's the Nightshade Toy Factory. This is an ad for one of the factory's signature items, the Tina Tinkle doll with bed-wetting action. Think about that and the tag line "She's gonna get ya!" and consider yourself adequately warned.

One thing you can always count on at these things: a bunch of clowns.

Here are some additional accounts from others who were there last night:

• MindComet's Cakeplow
• Miss Destructo's Desctructo Deviations
  

Big thanks-wrapped-in-bacon to K for photos and a HUGE blood-splattered mess of thanks to HOSInsider, Ms. Vayne, Carolyn and everyone from Busch Gardens for the incredible hospitality!