Muffin update: party, one week from tonight

Just a reminder...

Muffinquest: The Finish Line

Wednesday, April 13 · 7:00pm

Location Tre Amici @ The Bunker

1907 N. 19th Street

Tampa, FL

Be there and see if I reach my goal of $1,500.00 for the Temple Terrace Relay For Life, benefiting the American Cancer Society. If so, Tre Amici @ The Bunker will introduce a new menu item: a special edition muffin named after Yours Truly.

If not...well, I don't want to think about what might happen but there will undoubtedly be tremendous entertainment value in it. And guess what? We ain't there yet. Gulp!

Suggested donation: $1,000,000.00 (or whatever you can spare)

Bring your family. Bring your friends. Wear something purple.

100% of all proceeds benefit the American Cancer Society, via Team Daddy-O Alley Katz, a team participating in the Temple Terrace Relay For Life

RSVP on Facebook by clicking here. Or just show up.

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

 

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

You can learn some things in less than five minutes

For example, Meat Loaf (the singer, not the entree*) is an asshole.

Yeah, I know. It's reality tv, edited for effect, etc. But if you're an adult and indulging in behavior that wouldn't be tolerated if you were five, such as wearing your shirt inside-out, throwing a tantrum over somebody taking your art supplies and then not apologizing to the person you accused when you find out they didn't, you're an asshole.
Of course, maybe it was justified; because of their passion, artistic geniuses are prone to tempermental outbursts. Mere mortals like us are not capable of understanding how their minds work. If Meat Loaf thought that Gary Busey had in any way hampered his grand vision of smearing a basketball with paint and dropping it on a sheet of paper, well god damn it, maybe he had it coming.

"Wait...so now I'm the asshole?"

* If you've got some kind of "exotic" recipe for meatloaf that includes certain non-traditional ingredients, I don't want to know about it.

Muffin update: hacked off

So my bank sent me an email yesterday that contained this lovely little tidbit of info:

"...we have been informed...that an unauthorized person...accessed files that included e-mail addresses of some customers. We have a team investigating and we are confident that the information that was retrieved included some customer e-mail addresses, but did not include any customer account or financial information. Based on everything we know, your accounts and confidential information remain secure. As always, we are advising our customers of everything we know as we know it, and will keep you informed on what impact, if any, this will have on you."

Of course, being a good, card-carrying 21st century American, upon hearing that an institution in whom I had placed my trust in the care and keeping of assets that are valuable to me had been compromised, regardless to what degree, I had but one thought: How can I use this to cash in? So I called my branch and explained how very, very traumatized I was by this development...

ME: I am traumatized by this development.
BANK REP: We're very sorry and as the email mentioned, we have no reason to believe your account is at risk but we're continuing to monitor the situation and will keep you updated.
ME: Very, very traumatized.
BANK REP: Again, we're very sorry. But honestly, you should try to relax. You may see some increased SPAM in your email, and that's certainly an annoyance, but beyond that we have no reason to believe your assets are in any danger whatsoever.
ME: Yeah, but what about a little...you know, something for my pain and suffering. A little, um, you know. Some restitution of some sort. To help ease my traumatization.
BANK REP: Well, uh...what do you have in mind?
ME: I would like a refrigerator magnet. A new one!
BANK REP: A magnet? That's what you want?
ME: Not just a magnet. A calendar magnet. With the schedules of all the area sports teams on it. I don't expect you to get the approval of any major league sports leagues so I understand it won't have official team logos on it but there's no reason the different teams can't be represented by individual colors.
BANK REP: Umm...
ME: And I don't want individual pages for each month that have to be torn off because those just curl up and make my refrigerator look unsightly. I want the schedules printed out in a big grid on one single panel of the magnet. I realize that this will either result in a very large magnet or printing so small that it will be impossible to read but I'm willing to work around either of those conditions.
BANK REP: I'm not sure we have anything like that on hand. How about a sports bottle, with our logo on it?
ME: No way! I don't want a sports bottle. I would actually use that. I want something that I will put on display as a constant reminder of what almost could have happened but that I will not actually look at ever again. A refrigerator magnet suits that purpose like nothing else.
BANK REP: Actually, I have a refrigerator magnet here in my office. It doesn't have any sports schedules on it, but you can have it if you want?
ME: Hmmm...
BANK REP: It's got a phone number for Dominos on it.
ME: Deal.

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE (Unlike my bank! Ha Ha! *SIGH* The longer this goes on, the more strained and awkward the segues become) ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

 

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.

Muffin update: bloody hell

(WARNING: You might consider the following to be gross. I am not going into gory, graphic detail, but still; pretty gross) Yesterday (Sunday morning) I came across the aftermath of a fight, where one of the participants somehow got seriously cut and decided to use the tactic of spraying his own blood at his combatants and horrified onlookers. There was blood everywhere. This made me think of two things:
First, there is apparently A LOT of blood in a human body, more than I would have previously guessed. Because on first sight, I assumed the bleeder was dead and he was not. I will probably not freak out the next time I cut myself shaving and it won't stop right away.
Second, I don't pretend to be some kind of macho man, great fighter person (I haven't fought anyone since I was much younger, and even then, it was infrequent). I prefer to get by with a menacing physical presence ('m a big dude and I can glare like nobody's business) and by fighting dirty, based on the premise that if a situation is ever serious enough to force me to engage physically with someone, there is a lot more at stake than honor and sportsmanship and I would prefer to end the conflict as quickly and decisively in my favor as possible.

Seriously, who has time for this?

As such, I only really know a few fighting techniques (again, all dirty) and I can honestly say that using my own blood as a weapon would not be among the first thoughts to go through my mind. In fact, this is the list of thoughts that would go through my mind (sorted accordingly) if I found myself wounded during a fight, resulting in my own blood shooting out of my body like a geyser:

1. Oh shit.
2. That's my blood, on the outside of my body. This troubles me in that I would prefer that it were still inside of my body.
3. I would like to take steps immediately to make sure that more of my blood does not come outside of my body, please.
4. Oh shit!
5. Wait. Any chance that he's bleeding and not me?
6. Nope. That's definitely my blood. He appears to be fine, relatively speaking, by way of comparison.
7. Oh shit!!
8. If I apologize right now, I wonder if he would drive me to the hospital.
9. Probably not. I wouldn't if I were him.
10. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit.

I won't run down the whole list but we'd be well into the thousands before "Ah ha! The fool has unwittingly unleashed my secret weapon!" would pop up. Do you know what kind of person would have that thought sooner? The kind of person who probably gets in fights a lot but doesn't do very well and as a result, knows almost exactly how much blood he can spray on someone before he needs to lay down and raise his arm above his head and should therefor never, ever get himself into a fight.  

Me, I just want to fight cancer.

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.

Muffin update: the waiting is over



All the waiting room is a stage

 Friday night, I participated in "The Waiting Room", a performance art installation by Ellen Mueller at the USF Contemporary Art Museum. My role? To stand in line and wait while art patrons, who were there for "Starting Fires", USF's MFA Graduation Exhibition, observed and interacted with us. What was I wating for? It depended on who asked and what was on my mind when I did so. Among my answers to the question, "what are you waiting for?":
"A best-selling novel that's not about moody vampires"
"A frozen pizza that actually tastes good"
"A career rebound for Kevin Costner"
"Test results. My pet trout might have rabies"
"A job interview" What kind of job? "Mime sweeper"
And my favorite exchange (with the cutest girl...go figure)
"The new mice" What do you mean? "Well, yesterday they had mice" Okay, so? "So today they're getting some new ones" And that's what you're waiting for? "Well, I'm certainly not going to wait in line for two hours for old mice. What am I, a weirdo?"
As with all of Ellen's projects, at least the ones with which I've been involved, it was bizarre and fun. Some people actually stood in line with us. Then on Saturday afternoon, sopmebody on the street stopped me and said, "were you part of an art exhibit last night?" Why, yes. Yes I was. "You were amazing! I really thought you were waiting for something!"
Suck on that, Marlon Brando.

Meanwhile, we're waiting for those dollar numbers to creep up and we're running out of time in Muffinquest, so...

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.

Muffinquest: saying goodbye to one mayor, hello to another

Yesterday, on the same day that I became mayor of Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City on Foursquare (yes I did!), Bob Buckhorn was sworn in as mayor of the city of Tampa, replacing Pam Iorio. I'm a huge fan of "Mayor Pam" as she became known and deeply appreciate her service to Tampa, my home sweet home. Here are some highlights:

• Extended health benefits to unmarried partners - homosexual and heterosexual - of city employees. Fulfilling a campaign pledge, Iorio made the changes by executive order in 2004, bypassing the city council and fierce opposition from Christian evangelical groups.
• Hired city's first female police chief, Jane Castor in September 2009 to succeed Stephen Hogue, who retired.
• Increased spending on neighborhoods, from fixing pot-holes to paving roads, from about $2.6 million in FY 2003 to about $10 million today.
• Boosted Riverwalk, the much-touted $40 million Riverwalk project that had been on the drawing board for years.
• Oversaw completion of a $42 million renovation of Curtis Hixon Park on the riverfront, including the new Tampa Museum of Art and the Glazer Children's Museum.
• Spent more than $13.6 million through a federally funded affordable housing program to buy foreclosed properties, most of which will be rehabilitated and sold. To date, the city has bought 18 foreclosed single-family homes and duplexes, mostly in the Sulphur Springs area. Other foreclosed single-family homes and multiplexes in neighborhoods across Tampa have been bought by nonprofit groups under contracts with the city.
• Reduced the city's operating expenses through a host of initiatives, from consolidating city departments and streamlining services to switching to online auctions to sell surplus vehicles and equipment, reducing the size of its vehicle fleet and other costs savings.
• Reduced crime rate by 36 percent in her first term and by more than 60 percent in her second term through a mix of targeted law enforcement and community policing.
• Signed the U.S. Mayors Climate Protection Agreement in 2006, pledging to meet a series of tangible environmental benchmarks. She assembled a "green team" to focus on water and energy conservation and expanded the city's recycling program, with limited success. The residential recycling program has been plagued by low participation and few if any of the city's buildings have been retrofitted with energy efficient fixtures.

(Source: Tampa Tribune/TBO.com)

From one mayor to a couple of others, thank you Mayor Pam, for everything you did. And good luck Mayor Bob; you have a tough act to follow.

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.

Oh yeah, we hang out.

Muffin update: "A Bunker Story"

Gather your loved ones, read them this story (written by renowned children's author and child Jessie Stehlik), pat them gently on the bottom and tell them to go forth and do the right thing.

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.

Muffinquest: a different voice

I've been prattling on and on, day after day, about whatever it is I prattle on about every day, eventually ending up with some pitch to you to donate money to what I refer to as "my" cause. Just for the sake of variety, I thought it would be nice to change things up a little and let you hear from someone else. Dianne Reeger is the team captain of Team Go Go, fellow participants and loyal-but-friendly competition in the Temple Terrace Relay For Life event and the fight against cancer is her cause too. In fact, she's been at it a lot longer than I have. She posted the following on her Facebook page the other day and I am re-posting it here, with her permission...

Dianne's grandfather, the "Go Go"
after whom her team is named.

I'm sad and angry and tired...and frustrated....

by Dianne Reeger
 
In 2-1/2 weeks Team Go Go will be participating in our 8th Relay for Life event. Over the past 8 years we've raised over $100,000 in the fight against this insidious disease. We've won top fundraising team 5 of those years. We've won the Team Spirit award every year but our first year. We've had multiple star supporters and individual top fundraisers. We've had some amazingly kick-ass auction nights. And our friends and family and co-workers continue to amaze us with thier never ending support of our crusade.
But I look at this list...the names of the people that past and present Team Go Go-ers have added to our team shirt...OUR reasons to relay...and I can't stop from crying...OVER 200 names of friends, family, loved ones. Parents and siblings and best friends that we've lost to this stupid f*cking disease. Uncles and cousins and spouses that are fighting back with everything they have...
It's not fair. It pisses me off. And it breaks my heart. In the end I really don't care about winning another trophy, about earning another spirit point, about getting another damn t-shirt. I want people to stop dying. I want the people I love to not have to fight tooth and nail to survive. I want Cancer to go away for good. Enough is enough.
And there's just too many people to tag who are affected by this list like I am...so it's just going on my profile. Share if you wish...

In Memory Of:  ■ Debbie Baker Basler March 2011 ■ Darla Afable ■ Pat “Burnsie” Burns ■ Amanda Older Jan 2011 ■ LaVerne Peyton Oct 2010 ■ Harvey Wolf March 2010 ■ Manuel Gonzalez Feb 2010
■ Minnie Young Oct 2009 ■ Ted “2th Fairy” Baker May 2009 ■ Thomas Bader March 2009 ■ Sandi Skretny Dec 2008 ■ Joanne Tireman Nov 2008 ■ Laureline Evans Nov 2008 ■ Myra Weir Sept 2008 ■ Winston Bishop Sep 2008 ■ John Hill Aug 2008 ■ Osvaldo Luciano Pardo May 2008 ■ Trenda VanHorn Naff April 2008 ■ Mike Gaffney March 2008 ■ Dan Rogers March 2008 ■ Dianne Atchley March 2008 ■ Thomas Bader March 2008 ■ John Brostek Feb 2008 ■ Jim "Shef" "Stroke" Sheffer May 2007 ■ Linda Fancher May 2007 ■ Edward McGowan April 2007 ■ Marty Clance April 2007 ■ Jessica Thomas March 2007 ■ Dotte David Feb 2007 ■ Sheila Young Feb 2007 ■ Joyce Simard Jan 2007 ■ Clara Belle Joyce 2007 ■ Kyle Taylor 2007 ■ Rick Braden 2007 ■ Steve Tebes Dec 2006 ■ Pam Certo Sept 2006 ■ Robin Brewer Aug 2006 ■ Howard Patterson May 2006 ■ James Bauer Apr 2006 ■ John E. Tranquillo March 2006 ■ Kim Sheppard March 2006 ■ Miller H. Wells Jan 2006 ■ Sara Cronin 2006  ■ Gloria Pittard June 2005 ■ William Robarts March 2005 ■ Gary Roush Feb 2005 ■ Lawrence Clark Jan 2005 ■ Dick Speaker Dec 2004 ■ Billy Milligan March 2004 ■ Kathy Barnes Jan 2004 ■ William O'Brien Dec 2003 ■ Sally O'Brien Nov 2003 ■ Ted Casteneda 2003 ■ Curtis Coy Dec 2002 ■ Rose Massari Dec 2002 ■ Della Smith July 2002 ■ Bea Bojar 2002 ■ Bill Milne Oct 2001 ■ Barbara Walsh 2001 ■ Mark Whitehead Jr. Nov 2000 ■ Sandy Warne Sept 2000 ■ Timothy McDowell Aug 2000 ■ Chuck Luther Mar 2000 ■ Dorothea Freeman Feb 2000 ■ Marnie Roush Oct 1999 ■ Sandy Shikora Aug 1999 ■ Walter Lowe June 1999 ■ Cyndee Loll May 1999 ■ Wayne Schofield May 1999 ■ Harold Williams March 1999 ■ Daniel Bent Jan 1999 ■ Sarah Hopp Nov 1998 ■ Robert Fults May 1998 ■ Elizabeth Donaldson Nov 1997 ■ Richard “Pete” Peterson Aug 1996 ■ Marlene Green 1996 ■ MamaRene Aldridge Dec 1995 ■ Mark Whitehead Sr. 1995 ■ Henry Pinnella April 1994 ■ George ■ Jean Carlson Feb 1994 ■ Mary Innes Jan 1994 ■ Chi Gilliland 1994 ■ Jan Richardson Oct 1993 ■ Helen Ortiz 1993 ■ James Rogers Dec 1992
■ Ronald Taylor 1992 ■ Lois Rubin Nov 1991 ■ Benny Sheffer Oct 1991 ■ Alice Trevino June 1991 ■ Frank Carroll Apr 1991 ■ Arminta Mae Flohr Feb 1991 ■ Adonia Morrissette Dec 1990 ■ Jerry Lewis Nov 1990 ■ Joseph Gordon Sept 1990 ■ Bill Depasquale July 1990 ■ Albert Yates Sr. 199? ■ Michael Missildine 1989 ■ James “Rocking Chair” Donaldson August 1988 ■ Robert Woods Jan 1988 ■ Mildred Yates 1988 ■ Della Wendling Dec 1987 ■ William Travis Oct 1986 ■ Jack Jacunksi July 1986 ■ Robert Freeman Apr 1985 ■ Diane Padro "Soakie" 1985 ■ Debbie Martin Sept 1984 ■ Phala Bell April 1984 ■ Jerry Juhl March 1984 ■ Mary Rose Bufalo 1983 ■ Ruth Pinnella Sept 1982 ■ Nina Sheffer Nov 1981 ■ Lucille Litz Mar 1981 ■ George Lucas Oct 1978 ■ Jean Taylor 1977 ■ Harrison Travis Sept 1977 ■ Augustin “Gus” Carter Feb 1976 ■ Viola Yates 197? ■ Hortensia Guiteras Oct 1964 ■ Barbara Gordon 1951 ■ Hester Fern Lee ■ Irving Schilian


In Honor of: ■ Al Carroll ■ Albert Yates II ■ Alvin Bojar ■ Amber Pond ■ Aneva Kay Lee ■ Bill Middleton ■ Blanche Simard ■ Bob Richards ■ Bonnie Adkins ■ Bonnie Faustrum ■ Carlos Robb ■ Carole Smith ■Cathy “Timmaaay” Tapley ■ Cher Carbone ■ Cheryl Hedrick ■ David Cuevas ■ David Foster ■ Debbie Kissel ■ Deborah Dearmin ■ Debra Ferrier ■ Denise Casidy ■ Denise Warren ■ Donna McKinnon
■ Duncan Price ■ Ellen Patron ■ Eniva Kay Lee ■ Francis Bouchard ■ Heather Jacques ■ Hitie Larkins ■ Inez Hammond ■ Iris Garcia ■ Isreal Cuevas ■ Jan Baja ■ Jan DeVega ■ Jan Endries ■ Jane Dempsey ■ Jeanie Robb ■ Jerri Heit ■ Jen Alvis ■ Joseph Rogan ■ Joyce Johnston ■ Karen Mouradian ■ Ken Bishop ■ Kevin Kalwary ■ Kim Marsh ■ Kim Mozley ■ Kimberly Kennedy ■ Kristiana Hinsch ■ Leslie Chodock ■ Linda Patterson ■ Lisa Mills-Ridge ■ Loretta Devine ■ Lucy Krohne ■ Margaret Bishop ■ Maria Cooper ■ Maria Fronduti ■ Marie Combs ■ Mary Bordonaro ■ Matthew Crawley ■ Mickey Behrens ■ Nell Dunn ■ Patricia Arnold ■ Paul Mangan ■ Perry Lorson ■ Reid Jenkins ■ Richard Buckhold
■ Richard Gordon ■ Robert Parish ■ Ruth Tilden ■ Samuel Dirk Stanley ■ Sandra Drake ■ Stephen Lenz ■ Sue Williams ■ Tamara Williams ■ Tami Bethune ■ Tammy Brown ■ Timm Etters ■ Timothy Travis ■ Thomas Travis ■ Tommy Casasa ■ Tracy Sheehan ■ Wally Bray


Wanna support me in my effort to rid the world of Cancer? Then click on my link!! http://main.acsevents.org/goto/diannereeger THANK YOU!!


NOTE: If you want to donate to Dianne's campaign instead of mine, I don't mind. But just in case...

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.

Muffin update: bracket madness

Stop fighting! We all love muffins!

OVERRATED: Robot fight. UNDERRATED: Restaurant fight.
Just kidding; a robot fight could never be anything but awesome, and therefor un-overrate-able. Especially when the restaurant fight doesn't involve the use of food as a weapon. Or even the proprietors of the restaurants. But the battle between voters in Creative Loafing's Breakfast Bowl (presumedly patrons of the establishments "competing" against one another) is pretty friggin' awesome in itself. Damn, we are an angry, angry lot of people! It's breakfast, folks. Have an egg dish, a cup of coffee, sit back and relax. It might be a good idea to get something with some bran in it. Just sayin'.
Anywho, our favorite establishment Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City made it all the way into the last eight restaurants standing before losing to a place called Three Coins (which, honestly, is my kind of breakfast place; putting the greasy in 'greasy spoon') and they did so while maintaining a sense of humor and a humble appreciation for the support they recieved. Of course, true class is what you would expect from an establishment that is going to honor someone like me (specifically: me) by adding a muffin named in my honor to their menu...once we hit this goal of $1500 for the American Cancer Society.
Besides, the tournament is a sham; everybody knows the best breakfast in town can be found at the Village Inn on Dale Mabry, just north of Kennedy. Dumbasses.

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.

Muffinquest: let me allay your fears

"See if you can put a cap
 in the shortstop's ass, Ethel"

From TBO.com:

"Stray bullets from property less than a mile away zinged into a neighborhood T-ball game Saturday at a county park in Lithia, prompting Hillsborough County sheriff's deputies to investigate...Deputies tracked the origin of the bullet to private land at 12309 Lyons Ave., where the Brandon-based Bell Shoals Baptist Church was hosting a fund-raiser that featured the firing of guns. Money from the fund-raiser was to go toward missionaries..."

Okay, Okay. I see what's happening here. Many of you are reluctant to make a contribution to Muffinquest, my personal campaign to raise $1,500 in the fight against cancer and have a muffin named after me and added to the menu at Tre Amici @ The Bunker because you're afraid that it will eventually result in weapons being deployed, resulting in innocent people being put in harm's way. That is a perfectly reasonable and understandable concern.

This started out as a band candy sale.

Let me just take a moment to calm your nerves.
First of all, Muffinquest is not a faith-based initiative and is not affiliated with any organized religion whatsoever. People of all beliefs (or lack thereof) are welcome to participate, provided they're willing to treat one another in a civil manner...but don't go nuts with it. In fact, holding hands and singing is not only not required, it's actually frowned upon. By the same token, it would be appreciated if one were to keep their position on missionaries to themselves.

See what I did there?

Secondly, I don't even know where guns would fit into the equation, aside from turning the whole thing into an armed robbery spree. And if I were to take that step, I'd go for a lot more than $1500 and I wouldn't give a dime of it to the American Cancer Society, or anybody else for that matter. Just being honest.

Chump

Lastly, well, how stupid. Shooting at T-ball players? Come on. Have you ever actually been to a T-ball game? 30 kids, all hopped up on sports drinks and their first whiffs of athletic competition with the attention spans of six-week-old Golden Retriever puppies. They're constantly in motion, no more than two or three of them moving in the same direction at any one time. Plus they're very small. In other words, extremely difficult targets. Who has time for that?

Three baserunners rounding first while some of the defense
 runs off the field for some unknown reason:
pretty standard play in T-ball.

So there you go, folks. Nothing to worry about here.

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.

Muffin update: a major announcement & you're invited!

We're down to just about two weeks to go in this campaign. Will we make it or will we fall short? Well, we're going to find out...on April 13th.

Muffinquest: The Finish Line

 Anticipated Goal Reaching And Muffin-Named-After-Clark-Brooks Unveiling Premiere Reception, A Benefit To Raise Money For The Fight Against Cancer

Wednesday April 13, 7:00PM

Tre Amici @ The Bunker

1907 North 19th Street

Tampa FL 33605

Be there and see if I reach my goal of $1,500.00 for the Temple Terrace Relay For Life, benefiting the American Cancer Society. If so, Tre Amici @ The Bunker will introduce a new menu item: a special edition muffin named after Yours Truly.

If not...well, I don't want to think about what might happen but there will undoubtedly be tremendous entertainment value in it.

Suggested donation: $1,000,000.00 (or whatever you can spare)

Bring your family. Bring your friends. Wear something purple.

100% of all proceeds benefit the American Cancer Society, via Team Daddy-O Alley Katz, a team participating in the Temple Terrace Relay For Life

Muffin update: one does not subsist on muffins alone

Smack in the middle of this ongoing quest for anti-cancer fundraising and eponymous baked goodery, I am participating in Ellen Mueller's latest performance art installation, "The Waiting Room". It's a one time only deal, this Friday night (April 1st) at the opening reception for "Starting Fires", which is the name of the University of South Florida's MFA Graduation Exhibition. In addition to "The Waiting Room", Ellen will be presenting her work "The Book of Enid" at this exhibition. She's my favorite artist whom I consider a mad genius so I can't really tell you what will happen in the installation...in large part because it's not scripted and I honestly don't know. This is my third time working with Ellen (previously "Complete With Illustrated Manual" and "1st Annual Black & White Sustainability Mixer & Recognition Ceremony") and she cast me without an audition which is tremendously flattering. Obviously, I don't fit anyone's definition of an "art guy" (which is more or less some skinny cat with a pony tail who wears a lot of black and smokes cigarettes in a subdued and flamboyant manner at the same time, although yours may vary) but she keeps putting me in her stuff which is great. Maybe I'm like the Uma Thurman to her Quentin Tarantino, a proven commodity and perhaps something of a good luck charm. That's how I think of it in my mind at least. Anyway, here are the details...

"Starting Fires" (opening reception)

Friday, April 1st

7:00PM - 9:00PM

USF Contemporary Art Museum

"This annual exhibition featuring Master’s Final Project works by MFA Candidates in the USF School of Art and Art History provides an opportunity for graduate students to have their work viewed by the public, as well as University faculty and colleagues, in a professional environment. This year's class includes: Robb Fladry, Ryan Foster, Zak Hemsteger, Lin Li, Francis Marquez, Justin Martin, Bruce Monroe, Daniel Moore, Ellen Mueller, Chris Otten and Jordi Williams.
Concurrent with Starting Fires, the School of Art and Art History hosts ArtHouse, a favorite annual event where open studios, special installations and performances are presented by graduate and undergraduate students of the School, and complemented by music, food and beverages."

Can't make it to this event? Well, that is truly a shame. You'll feel better after you contribute to my Relay For Life campaign to raise money to fight cancer and have Tampa's best coffee shop name a muffin after me for it.

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

Muffin update: pop quiz

This is a picture of the bus stop right outside of the H. Lee Moffitt Cancer Center which is located on the campus of the University of South Florida here in Tampa. Take a look and see if you notice something not quite right about it...

Hint 1: My, it's a nice, bright sunny day, isn't it?
Hint 2: It's a really bright, really sunny day, like so many days in Florida, isn't it?
Hint 3: That ol' sun is just bombarding this uncovered bench with cancer-causing UV rays, isn't it? Boy, anybody who had to wait outside in a wide open area like this with no shade whatsoever for an extended period of time waiting for public transportation could be putting themselves at risk for skin cancer.

Times up. If you guessed that the bus stop placed outside of one the world's leading cancer research and treatment facilities provides no shelter from the elements, including exposure to the sun, you're right!
Bonus points if you were able to discern that the little old lady in the picture is smoking a cigarette, which she was, or that the ground around that bench is carpeted with cigarette butts, which it is.

Maybe it's just me but it seems a little dumb that ALL bus stops don't have at least some partial covering but it's extra dumb that between Moffitt, Hillsborough Area Regional Transit and the University of South Florida somebody didn't suggest throwing a shed over this particular one. However, we can rectify that by making that suggestion here. I don't know what stop number it is but here are answers to other pertinent questions on the form:

• Bus Route Served: 5
• Street: Magnolia (specific address - 12902 Magnolia Drive)
• Which side of the street? West
• Nearest Cross Street: West Holly

If they get enough feedback, hopefully they'll correct this situation

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

Muffin update: ploobadoof



Yes. Exactly.

Like many men my age, a huge chunk of my adolescence was wasted reading Mad magazine (while turning up my nose at the vastly inferior Cracked; Cracked at the time was to Mad what "The Family Guy" is to "The Simpsons"). For me, Mad was a gateway magazine, leading directly to National Lampoon which led directly to the original Saturday Night Live which introduced me to Monty Python's Flying Circus, Second City TV and later, Kids In The Hall, The Onion, etc. Cut to the present day and the end result is me typing the night away while wearing a Walter Payton football jersey with no pants and weighing the pros and cons of classing up my dinner of store-brand ravioli in a can by cracking open a bottle of Yoo Hoo vs saving it for a special occasion, like company coming over (hey, it could happen).
Anyway, the other day I fell into a conversation with two friends that started with something I overheard that day on the bus that turned into this:
ME: Here's something I learned on the bus today by listening to one of my fellow passengers: "Normally a doctor won't come see you unless you're dilated at least 4 centimeters." Isn't it interesting what people will discuss and share in public?
RUPE: You may have a really long wait. Don’t hold your breath …

ME: I know. My eyeballs are simply not that big.
TONIANNE:   Dude, I call dibs on your PR. I'm *confident* I can get you at least twice what the Virgin Mary on the decade-old cheese sandwich netted.
ME: Twice as much as an old cheese sandwich? That's an all-time high for me. Sold!
TONIANNE: And if we can bag Bieber's swagger coach, who knows how much we can command.
ME:  Is it possible to swagger while dilated? Doesn't stuff, you know, fall out?
TONIANNE:  That's when centrifugal force and the coriolis effect kick in. You're good.
ME:  Okay. Because otherwise: *CLUNK!* "Aww man, my pancreas!"
TONIANNE: Ew.
ME: Of course, I'm kidding: the correct cartoon sound effect for one's pancreas falling out of their body is *SCHLOONK* followed by *SPLORP*, not *CLUNK*. Otherwise, the premise is solid (so to speak).
TONIANNE: Wait - "Splorp" I get, unfortunately. But "Clunk?" Methinks thou consumeth too much iron.
ME:  Well sure, you have to factor in the individual's physical condition, as well as floor surface, to be truly accurate. But I'd say with an average American's diet and a hardwood or terrazzo floor, this is pretty close to scientifically correct.

Yes, I had put a lot of thought into it, for which I blame Don Martin, one of Mad's most legendary artists and writers. Martin's cartoons were famous for the distinctive look of his characters (like balloon animals with wiry hair and floppy feet) and the unique, onomatopoetic "sound effects" he came up with ("Ploobadoof" is the noise you hear when Wonder Woman unsnaps her bra). I got more than *SCHLOONK* and *SPLORP* too...

*HURNGK!*

The sound you make when a goon picks you up off the floor by your throat

*SKLISH!*

Exceptionally bad diarreah 

*GLORK!*

A groom re-distributing masticated food into his newlywed bride's mouth because she has a rare, debilitating condition that causes soft teeth, rendering her unable to chew her own food, thereby proving his love for her. This one is very rarely used but is the particular favorite of someone affiliated with Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City.

Which reminds me to attempt the most painfully awkward segue ever...

Don't forget to help me in my effort to fight cancer via the Temple Terrace Relay For Life (April 15, Greco Middle School...be there!) and have a custom muffin named after me at Tre Amici @ The Bunker in the process!

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

Muffin update: let's take a break, shall we?

I know I said I'd be flogging the blog daily in an effort to reach my goal of $1500 for the Temple Terrace Relay For Life in order to have a delicious, signature muffin created and named in my honor at Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City. But I'm currently stuck in a relatvely short turnaround between shifts at work and don't really have time for any new content today. So let's just all take a day off and hit it hard again tomorrow, shall we? Of course if you want to donate, far be it from me to stop you; merely scroll down (or up,depending on what day you read this and/or how your computer machine is oriented) and find the appropriate links to do so. And now, just for funsies, let's be among the 2,380,326 people to enjoy this short video of kitties on a slide. I think we've earned it.

Muffin update: a visit to the Tre Amici lab

Looks yummy!

The other day, I snuck into Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City. Why snuck? Because it's the past tense of sneak and it happened in the past. No stupid, why was sneaking necessary, since it's a business establishment that's open to public patronage. Because I didn't just go in the coffee shop part, I went behind the scenes, into the super secret test lab where work is proceeding as we speak on the Clark muffin prototype, henceforth knows as the X1 (which makes it sound like the first muffin capable of breaking the sound barrier). Let me be the first to tell you; it's going to be amazing. Reason number 1: the Bunker has their top muffin designer Victoria Boukalis working on it. If you're not familiar with Victoria's work, you're probably hungry right now. We'll have a fix for that...soon...hopefully...if we can just hit this modest goal of $1500.00. Let's go!!

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

Muffin update: enter The Wood Guy

Huh huh huh. Wood.

This here is my friend Kirk Moss, also known as The Wood Guy. Kirk is an award-winning artist who lives in the Seminole Heights neighborhood of Tampa where he makes things. Out of wood. I bet the pioneers wish they'd thought of that. Maybe they wouldn't have all died off and the United States wouldn't have needed to be re-populated by visitors from another planet (hey, thanks again Xyklon 9!). I don't know why I didn't include him under the "Artists I like...and feel good about recommending" section prior to now but he's in there now. He does amazing work. I've included some photos so you can see for yourself. You can also check out his web site or you may find him at one of the local markets held around here on weekends. 

If you're wondering what any of this has to do with muffins or fighting cancer, well, Kirk is also a veteran member of our Relay For Life team, Team Daddy-O Alley Katz. Last night he told me he is working on a walking stick for Relay that will have a glass ball on top with a light inside of it. As it turns out, I am fresh out of light-up pimp canes and may be absconding with that particular item if he turns his back on it during Relay. 

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614