Wednesday, November 30, 2016

The year in suck

2016 is going to go down in a lot of people's books as a terrible year.
I guess that's a fair assessment if you base it on the many truly beloved, talented and influential people who died.
I miss Prince something awful.
And of course, the election ran everybody through a wringer and revealed a lot of things about our friends, neighbors and relatives that we could have lived without knowing.
Also a bunch of things that sucked that we don't need to get into because everyone already knows they sucked.

So I get it. Somebody or something needs to take the blame. That'll make us feel better. It's good to have scapegoats.
After all, an actual goat helped Cubs fans feel better about not winning a World Series for over a hundred years.

I just don't know how fair, or logical, it is to pin it on the year, the relatively arbitrary label slapped on a calendar to help keep track of passing time. Nothing really changes on January 1st, things just happen and then they just keep happening. People are going to die next year too.
Besides, it's not like everything that has happened in 2016 has been terrible. What about people who had good things happen this year? People who got well after being sick. People who got better jobs. People who had some pretty great things happen in their burgeoning stand-up comedy career as well as their personal lives?
*Ahem*

What about all the precious little innocent babies (even some human ones!) that came out this year? Do we really want to saddle them with the stigma of getting born during a crappy year?
10 years from now...
"Happy Birthday! How old are you?"
"I'm 10!"
"Oh, so you were born in... fuck you! You killed David Bowie!"
 Anyway, try to enjoy yourself during what's left of 2016. It's only a couple more weeks until 2017, when nothing is really going to be any different.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

This happened: More fun with guns

As a still-kinda-new comedian, I'm continuing to cross new experiences off the list. Sunday, I was able to draw a line through "someone getting shot at a show". I wasn't there to perform, just to watch and lend support, but the people who were there to perform didn't get to, so I think it counts.

"Tampa Police investigate nightclub parking lot shooting"

This happened at the Pegasus Lounge on Sunday and calling the Pegasus Lounge a nightclub is like calling McDonald's a restaurant. The Pegasus is a dive bar and makes no pretense otherwise. They've received local acclaim for hosting "Pornaoke" (which is exactly what it sounds like; people singing karaoke in front of a big screen showing porn) every Wednesday. The most notable aspect of that is the severely low quality of the porn. The participants look like they were signed up by somebody with a clipboard at the mall...
CLIPBOARD PERSON: "Would you be interested in making up to $6.50 an hour appearing in pornography?"
PROSPECTIVE PORN STAR: "Sure! But...$6.50 an hour?
CLIPBOARD PERSON: "Up to."
PROSPECTIVE PORN STAR: "Yeah. Isn't that less than the federally mandated minimum wage?"
CLIPBOARD PERSON: "Sir, this isn't exactly the kind of enterprise that's going to send you a W-2."
PROSPECTIVE PORN STAR: "Well, all right. But I will get to have sex with a woman, right?"
CLIPBOARD PERSON: "You let somebody at the mall with a clipboard sign you up to do porn. All of a sudden you have standards?"
 I'm just saying that I don't know what the Pegasus Lounge's budget for porn is but they're getting ripped off.

Anyway, I was there with my pal Spike (of "The Spike On The Mic Show") to watch a comedy show headlined by our friend Rio Paris. It's a bar and they don't serve food so there was a guy with a BBQ grill in the parking lot. Okay, that's all the background.

Spike and I are sitting at a table waiting for the show to start. Rio comes up behind us and says "it's going down in the parking lot! Somebody just crashed into the BBQ grill". Of course we got up to go look because of course we wanted to see that. Motor vehicle vs BBQ grill melee, with sticky chicken parts flying around everywhere? Yes please! Before we can get to the door, a guy comes in yelling "He shot him in the head! He shot him in the head! I can't believe it!"

This slowed us down.

He's followed by a woman, who pulls the door shut behind her. "Get away from the door! Get away from the windows! He shot him in the head and he's still out there!"

This stopped us.

Now, I'd been to the Pegasus a couple times before. Spike never had. But somehow he instinctively finds the back door and is gone.

Maybe I should have mentioned previously that aside from the bartenders, I'm pretty much the only white person there. I'll mention that now, along with the fact that at this point, I'm pretty much the only person in there at all.

And in typical Only White Person There fashion, I'm thinking "maybe we should make ourselves available if the victim needs aid and comfort, or if the law enforcement officers need assistance with their investigation."

Spike comes back in. "Clark! What are you doing?!? We have to get out of here!!"

I snap out of it and I realize that I'm Gene Wilder in 'Silver Streak' or 'Stir Crazy'; I am hopelessly and completely out of my element, and I'm paired with Richard Pryor (Spike), who is only marginally better suited for the situation. Still: "Yes. Of course you're right. Leaving is undeniably the best approach to take at this time", I say.

We go out the back door and it's REALLY dark back there. He's running and I'm kind of tip-toeing. He looks back and asks what the hell I'm doing. I said, "I don't want to trip. What if I twist an ankle or rip my pants?" He replies, "do you want to fall down or get shot??" "Those are my choices? Fall down or get shot? That's it? I'd like neither of those things, please. Can I get a 'none of the above'?"

We make it out from behind the building and there are more police cars than I've ever seen in my life. I don't see a victim (apparently he drove himself to the hospital right after it happened) or an assailant so I'm just hanging out behind a van parked on the side of the building and watching. Spike is gone. He hopped into his truck and drove off, followed by two police cars for a couple blocks before they figured out he probably wasn't a suspect and went back. I find Rio and other friends and saw that they were okay and told Rio, "I'm going to leave before I can't." Because at that point, there was no end to the police cars pulling in. and the parking lot isn't that big. If I don't leave now, I may not be able to for some time. But I could so I did.

Bottom line: I guess I was never in any real danger (thanks mostly to the lady who was so intent on getting people away from the door and windows) but once again, I'm not a big fan of people pulling guns in my presence.

Friday, November 18, 2016

How to Starbuck


Apparently, it has suddenly become difficult for some people to get a beverage at Starbucks without having some self-induced bad customer service experience. Here's a handy guide to help you in case you need it.

  1. Go to Starbucks. If you're already at Starbucks, don't talk about how Starbucks sucks and corporate greed and it's overpriced and indy coffee shops and any other complaints you have about it, valid or otherwise. The time for that, if ever, was before you got to Starbucks.
  2. Place your order. Whatever you want, don't be self-conscious about it. It's your beverage. The fuckers in line behind you can wait. You've earned this.
  3. Pay for it. (Duh)
  4. Give them your name so they can call you when your order is ready. Don't give them some other name because you feel like you need to make a stupid point about something or other. Look, it's early. Or late. Or the middle of the day some time. No matter. The fuckers in line behind you don't need to tolerate that bullshit from you right now. If you want to protest, go outside and block traffic like a regular person.  
  5. Wait patiently. They're busy. It takes time and effort to make everybody's drinks. It's literally impossible to do everything at once. That's just basic physics. You'll get your drink. Chill out.
  6. Don't call people trash. Okay, sometimes the wait is longer than you think it should take. That doesn't mean you should disparage the people who work there. Again, they're subject to the laws of physics and stuff. Or maybe they're bad at their job. You don't get to judge the quality of their character as human beings... aloud. Mutter that under your breath, if you feel like you have to comment on it at all, like the self-entitled psycho you apparently are.
    By the way, nice sweater vest and dumb haircut combo, douche.
  7. Get your drink.
  8. Get out. Either with your drink or after you drink it. But just...fucking go, okay?
That's it. Pretty simple, right? I think so. But if that's still too difficult, here's an alternate plan that's even easier...

  1. Don't go to Starbucks.
Happy Not Being A Pain In The Ass When Getting Coffee!

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

A suggestion, for what it's worth

Please pardon the inherent but unavoidable irony in the following...

Considering how people are frustrated and feeling a need to express themselves, if for no other reason than the therapeutic value that comes with that, maybe it would be a good idea to stop telling them how to feel about things and what to do about them.

Maybe, just maybe, it's not always up to us to determine whether or not someone else is justified in feeling the way they do.

Maybe, just maybe, it would actually be a really good idea if we spent some time trying not to jam every single opinion we have down everybody else's throat. Whether or not it's for their own good.

Actually, especially if you think it's for their own good.

Maybe, just maybe, we should consider the possibility that we might not always know what's best for everybody.

"But they're wrong...".
So what?
At least one of these three things is true:

  • They'll figure it out on their own
  • They'll never, ever change their minds.
  • YOU'RE the one who is wrong. 

And this thing is absolutely 100% true: Either way, it's none of your goddamn business.

"But they're annoying me!"
Well, maybe, just maybe*, it's not about you.

(* = No, it definitely isn't about you, even a little bit. Honestly, your approval or disapproval of virtually everything that other people do or don't do is so insignificant that it's almost impossible to measure, and you need to know that about yourself)

Maybe, just maybe, we should leave people alone and shut the fuck up, for once, for a while, for, if nothing else, a fucking change of pace.

"Get over it already."
"Stop whining."
"Let's move forward."

That's really great advice you've got there.
For you to follow.
Feel 100% free to do any and all of those things.
And do them QUIETLY.

Basically, do what I say and stop telling people what to do. 

(I know how that sounds but that's why I put the disclaimer first.)

I don't know. I don't pretend to have all the answers. Just something to consider, I guess.

But seriously.
Shut the fuck up.

Wednesday, November 09, 2016

Let the real madness begin

The 2016 election, widely decried as The Biggest Shit Show In The History Of American Politics is finally over, and I did my civic duty by participating as a voter. Was it The Biggest Shit Show In The History Of American Politics, though? Maybe, maybe not. If it was, it's because we made it that way, with our intolerance for the viewpoints (and in some cases, the very existence) of others, our proclivity to get really angry and/or offended by every tiny thing that doesn't go exactly our way and our enthusiastic embrace of toxic and banal institutions like "reality" TV.
Hey, if that's what we want, then this is what we get. No point in crying about it.
I will mention that I was wrong about something I've held as a fundamental belief:
"Good guys outnumber the bad guys. Always have, always will."
The truth is there are good guys and there are bad guys and they're both outnumbered by people who are easily manipulated by fear and are willing to cast their allegiance with the side that seems to suit whatever they perceive as their own selfish needs at a given moment. Oh well. Now I know.
Besides, the campaign season was just a preliminary and the election is just the beginning. Now is when it gets real.
Not that anybody should care, (hey, you're reading this) but here's how I voted on the big three things (my opinion) on this year's ballot...

Florida Solar Energy Subsidies and Personal Solar Use, Amendment 1: No. Nice try, power companies. Sneaky, greedy bastards.

Florida Medical Marijuana Legalization, Amendment 2: Yes, somewhat begrudgingly. I don't smoke it but that doesn't mean that I don't want the benefits of it to help sick people who could use it. But stoners and stoner culture annoy me, and probably the thing that annoys me the most is how stoners pretend they give a shit about sick people beyond using them as a convenient prop to legitimize their silly, self-indulgent lifestyle. Cut the bullshit, stoners. Go hang yourselves with a hemp rope.

And the big one...

Clinton vs Trump for President of the United States of America: Clinton. Lots of reasons, but here's one very simple one; I don't believe that everyone who voted for Trump is a stupid bigot but I'm absolutely sure that every stupid bigot voted for Trump. Sorry if you find that insulting, but if your candidate routinely panders to the lowest of the lowlifes, like it or not, that speaks on behalf of you too.

Anyway, enough already. It's finished. But here are some pictures from Election Day...

This is what it looked like from my place in line at about 8AM. I'm behind 12 to 15 people, patiently and quietly waiting for their turn to go inside and fill out their ballots. No menacing goons, no demonstrations, nobody even wearing hats or t-shirts. This was at St. Chad's Episcopal Church, which is located just east of the West Tampa neighborhoods.

I didn't personally witness this and it didn't happen yesterday. I just find it hilarious and a perfect summation of how off-the-rails this whole process has been.

Oh, so some idiot just happened to block the road to the polling place by getting his cement mixer stuck in a ditch on the day of the election. We're supposed to believe that's just a huge coincidence and not a blatant attempt to prohibit people from exercising their constitutional right to vote? Hmmm?!? 
Yeah, actually it was. 
He was only stuck for a few minutes and absolutely destroyed his lawn in the process of getting out of there. Awesome!

"Yes, I see by your shirt that you're still undecided, but the line forms over there, buddy."

Always nice to see signs like this. Thank you for doing the absolute least to keep me from being murdered in either language.

Here's a nice image to round this all out; a family celebrating their participation in the process with a photo to mark the occasion.


Thursday, November 03, 2016

It begins...tonight

And continues through Sunday!

Me, with other comedians, at Side Splitters Comedy Club!
  • Headliner Gary Valentine with feature act JB Ball - Thursday, November 3 - 8:30PM
  • Headliner Gary Valentine with feature act JB Ball - Friday, November 4 - 8:00PM
  • Headliner Gary Valentine with feature act JB Ball - Friday, November 4 - 10:15PM
  • Headliner Gary Valentine with feature act JB Ball - Saturday, November 5- 6:00PM
  • Headliner Gary Valentine with feature act JB Ball - Saturday, November 5 - 8:00PM
  • Headliner Gary Valentine with feature act JB Ball - Saturday, November 5 - 10:30PM
  • Headliner JB Ball with feature acts Elijah Henry and CJ Hernandez - Sunday, November 6 - 7:00PM



Special offer for Cubs fans*: All tickets FULL PRICE! 
Simply don't even mention that you saw this offer here to take full advantage of this 0% discount!

Side Splitters Comedy Club
12938 North Dale Mabry Highway
Tampa, FL 33618 (813) 960-1197

* Offer restricted to fans of the Chicago Cubs and any other major league baseball team or team in any other sport or people who don't like baseball or who simply can't grasp the concept of paying people to play games for a living, those who don't understand that professional sports generates billions of dollars in revenue and is an industry that employs thousands of people. 

Wednesday, November 02, 2016

What a bountiful harvest of aggravation!

If you're a recreational hater, someone who looks for things to be annoyed by just for fun, you must love autumn. I'm a comedian, so I'm a professional. I can find things to make me miserable all year 'round. But for you, the hobbyist, it doesn't get any better than right now. Fall is an all-you-can-hate buffet. Especially this fall! It's getting cold out. But it's not cold enough. It's still kinda hot out. But not very hot. It's perfect for complaining!
So many exciting, awful, wonderful, shitty things!
Check it out...

PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE

It's a drink. It's harmless. Some people really enjoy it. So what is there to hate about it? Well, it's a harmless drink that people enjoy. That's enough, isn't it?

FOOTBALL
College or pro, the season is about half over and odds are your team is in the toilet. Gee, was September, the month you waited for since February, when the season started and hopes were so high, really all that long ago?
Nope!
Just about 100 days was all it took to turn your dreams of championship trophies and victory parades into two turds over easy with a side of hashed-brown shits.

BASEBALL
The Cubs and Indians meet in Game 7 of the 2016 World Series tonight. That means no matter what, one group of fans suffering will be over, but the others will reach a streak of at least 59 years. Mmm-mm, that's some delicious Schadenfreude! Also, think about this: one group is going to be really, really happy and your team probably didn't even get this far. Everybody wins, except almost everybody!

THE WALKING DEAD
It's the most popular show on TV, yet people can't stop bitching about it. "I don't like this plot line...this character should die...this character shouldn't die...this character should have died, but not like that!"
Blah blah blah blah blah. Every week, all the time.
So why do people even watch it, if it pisses them off so much? Well, because it's the most popular show on TV.

CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS

Yep, you're right. It's not even Thanksgiving.
Yep, you're right. These were up before Halloween.
Yep, you're right. This nonsense seems to start earlier every year.
Yep, you're right. The retail industry has declared a war on Christmas.

THE ELECTION

For the love of God already.


There's more, but it's making me angry just thinking about it.

Happy Hating!

Tuesday, November 01, 2016

What are YOU doing this weekend?

Watching football?
Deciding for whom to vote?
Enjoying the pleasant weather brought on by the onset of the autumn season, taking time to relax and reflect on life?

How pathetic and stupid.

Why waste time on nonsense like that when you can waste time on nonsense like this?
Come watch me handle the hosting duties for

Side Splitters Comedy Club
Thursday, November 3 - 8:30PM
Friday, November 4 - 8:00PM
Friday, November 4 - 10:15PM
Saturday, November 5- 6:00PM
Saturday, November 5 - 8:00PM
Saturday, November 5 - 10:30PM

"Gary Valentine "GV" got his start in the world of standup comedy. A 20-year veteran traveling the country refining his comedy, performing at clubs, theaters and festivals. He has since made the jump from Standup to Acting. Best known for his 9 years as 'Cousin Danny' on the hit CBS show the King of Queens. After appearing at the Montreal Comedy Festival and co-hosting 'Friday night' on NBC, he moved from New York to Los Angeles. He then appeared on such shows as The Tonight show, Conan O'Brien, The Late Show with Craig Kilborn, and starring in his own half hour special 'Comedy Central Presents'. GV also co-hosted 'The X Show' on FX and is now a regular on Chelsea Lately on E! GV isn't limited to just the small screen. He has appeared in such movies as 'Paul Blart - Mall Cop', 'I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry', 'Stuck on You', 'Jack and Jill' and the soon to be released 'Here come's the Boom'."

and

Side Splitters Comedy Club
Sunday, November 6 - 7:00PM

"Raised by a southern conspiracy theorist and a performer from LA, J.B. Ball is built for fishing out the ridiculous and putting it on display. As a charmer who refuses to let things go, he's deceivingly edgy and intelligent in a way that forces audiences to think and re-evaluate what's going on with us as individuals, a country, and a race of people.
His talents have landed him appearances on Comedy Central, MTV, CBS, COMCAST, SIRIUS/XM Satellite Radio, and Kevin Hart's new comedy streaming network "LOL".
He was selected for the prestigious "New Faces" at the 2016 Montreal Just For Laugh Festival, was the winner of the 2014 Trial By Laughter Comedy Festival, was named 2014's "Florida's Funniest Comedian”, performed at FunnyOrDie’s 2015 Oddball Comedy Festival, and was a finalist at the 2016 Laughing Skull Festival.
His clever interpretations of his life, the news, the world, and how we should be reacting to them have been leaving audiences of all kinds in stitches."

I hear you: "Gee Clark, that's great but we want to listen to the jokes that you make, and also hear you tell us about drink specials and upcoming shows and do introductions. Which of these performances will you be part of?" To which I reply, ALL of them and your grammar is terrible, at least in terms of sentence structure.
Please come see me. I'm somewhat less judgmental in person.

Side Splitters Comedy Club
12938 North Dale Mabry Highway
Tampa, FL 33618
(813) 960-1197

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Let's "Get To Know" each other again

WARNING: No jokes ahead. Does that make this a 'serious' post? Not necessarily. Enlightening? Thought-provoking? Inspiring? I don't know. Probably not, but that's not up to me to decide. Read it and get from it what you will, if anything. Thanks.

A little over four years ago on this blog, I ran some interviews with people who identified with certain political ideologies. I don't know what purpose it served, but the intent was to demonstrate that there's a human element that bonds people on a deeper level than angry rhetoric.
Things seem to be nastier now than they were then. That's the perception anyway. So I thought it might be interesting to check in with the people we talked to then and see how they're doing now.
Here's how I led that off then:
"I don't know about you, but I've become pretty disillusioned with the political process, due in large part to what I perceive as a near-complete lack of civility and tolerance for opposing viewpoints and the people behind them...
With that in mind, I went on Twitter and asked for people who describe themselves as "staunch" liberals and conservatives to submit to a short list of questions for interviews that will be published this week. I wanted one of each and I simply selected the first of each to reply... There's absolutely no science involved, with no consideration paid to demographics or anything like that. It's completely arbitrary, like stopping the very first person you come across on the street and asking them what is on their mind. What's the point? I don't know that there is one. I certainly don't expect to change anyone's minds or philosophical ideals. I wouldn't even want to do that. If I were to dream really big, I would hope that a couple of people would read these and go forward thinking of those with differing opinions as human beings with their own valid reasons for believing the way they do."
You can check out the original interviews here, here and here.
Here's our panel...
Nancy P, who identified as Liberal in 2012
Chris C, who identified as Conservative in 2012
Sean H, who identified as A Self-Described Conservative At Odds With The So-Called Tea Party in 2012

Now, you're probably going to identify with one of these people more than the others and that's fine. Doing so is liable to put you at odds with the others, and that's also fine. But these are their personal opinions and they're entitled to them. You don't have to like what those opinions represent, but they're not wrong for having them. More importantly, please try to remember that these are human beings. You're going to be behind them in the check-out line at the grocery store, you're going to be sharing the road with them when you drive, one of them might help you find your lost dog. Keep all of that in mind. Thanks.


Before we get to the update, Sean is unable to participate this time around so his wife Tracey is tackling these on his behalf. Also, Nancy replied first, Chris replied second and Tracey replied third, in case you're wondering why they're in the order that they are.

Here we go...

Do you still consider yourself whatever you were (conservative, liberal, etc) four years ago?

NANCY: Yes, even more so.

CHRIS: My conservatism has not changed.  On the other hand my identification as a “Republican” has changed; I no longer am a Republican loyalist.

TRACEY: Yes, I solidly still identify with liberal causes.


If not, why not?
CHRIS: The GOP has lost its way somewhat, and seems to no longer be interested in fiscal responsibility or other traditionally conservative platform issues I believe are important.  As I read on the internet recently, “I’m for low taxes, strong defense and limited government.  Why doesn’t the Republican party want me?”




What's something that's happened since the last election that makes you happy?

NANCY:  2 things - 1. I'm very glad that all of my friends and family have the legal protection (and responsibility) of marriage, regardless of whom they love.  2. As a 60-year old cancer survivor whose employer does not offer benefits, I'm very happy that I can obtain health insurance.  Yes, it's expensive, but without ACA, I would be unable to buy insurance at any price.

CHRIS: a.   According to CATO, most states have balanced their short-term budgets.
b.   Fracking and domestic petroleum drilling has significantly dropped the price of petroleum.
c.   Electric car technology is getting better every day.
d.   General population gaining recognition of typographical and grammatical errors in everyday life.

TRACEY: The financial recovery of the country and the historic approval rating of President Obama.



What's something that's happened since the last election that makes you unhappy?

NANCY: The continued decline of civility between those with different opinions. I have to include myself in this, sometimes I've been very unhappy with how I've responded to people who think differently than I do.

CHRIS: a.   $15 minimum wage movement.
b.   Supposed prioritization of one race’s lives over all others.
c.   Notoriety given to protesting the National Anthem.
d.   Rise in the number of people that believe adding an apostrophe and an S to a word makes a plural.

TRACEY: The tragedy at Sandy Hook is something I think about daily, and has affected me in ways I couldn't have predicted.



A common sentiment is that this is the "worst election ever" in terms of the candidates. Agree or disagree, and why?

NANCY: It's a difficult choice.  Much more so than 4 years ago. Sure there are things about Clinton I don't like, no candidate is perfect.  But the alternative scares the bejesus out of me, even more than it did last election.  I was totally a Bernie supporter, but I know from the beginning that the only choice for me is the Democratic nominee.

CHRIS: I agree.  In this election, there are several third-party candidates (most of whom none of us recognize) and the two major party candidates are either the lying narcissist with ties to Russia, or the lying narcissist with ties to Russia.

TRACEY: In many ways, yes, because more so than any election in my memory, the focus is almost exclusively on personality, scandal, and very little, if any, policy opinions or issues have been debated or seriously discussed.



Without referring to your candidate's opponent for the sake of comparison, do you feel good and confident about your candidate as far as being qualified to do the job of president? Expound if you wish.

NANCY:  I do.  I feel she has the experience of a politician to be able to work with other parties, sides, opponents, etc to be able to get the job done in the best interest of the American people.  Being a career politician is not necessarily a bad thing.  That's how one prepares for the job of leader of the most powerful nation on earth.

CHRIS: As of the answering of this question, for the first time in my voting life I have yet to make up my mind for whom I will cast my ballot on November 8th.  Regardless of who receives my vote, I do have confidence on the candidate’s qualifications.  I believe this mainly because in today’s government process, the President-elect will have to surround him/herself with qualified advisors.  It is because of the reality of relying on those advisors I believe the President-elect will be qualified.

TRACEY: I do feel she is the most qualified and experienced for the office of the presidency, and am particularly confident in her foreign policy experience.



Again, without referring to your candidate's opponent for comparison, do you have any concerns about your candidate's shortcomings, if any?

NANCY: Of course, again, no candidate is perfect.  For some reason, people that dislike her or disagree with her really hate her.  I'm afraid that members of the other parties will be unlikely to work with her to reach compromises either to make a point or for fear of alienating their own constituencies. (did that stay within the rules?  I didn't mention the other candidate because he will not be part of the process going forward)

CHRIS: Similar to my previous answer, it will mainly boil down to the advisors the President-elect selects.

TRACEY: I am concerned with her ability to unify the country after the election.




Another common sentiment is that "we're more divided as a nation than we've ever been". Agree or disagree, and why?

NANCY:  Yes, it seems that there's no room for compromise on either side.  Every candidate is so afraid of losing a vote, they take the hard line dictated by the most extreme factions of their constituencies.  This is not just at the national level, I'm seeing it all the way down to county offices as well.

CHRIS: I don’t necessarily disagree, but I believe it has more to do with our collective inability to compromise.  Whether it’s because of social media or our shortening attention spans, I believe as a society we have lost the ability to see any benefit in the arguments on the other side of the political spectrum.  Whether it be the #BLM or #FreeMilo movement, hyperbole and demonization is the name of the game—because we seem to buy in to the argument of “I have to be right (correct) which means you have to be wrong.”

TRACEY: It certainly seems that way, but if current polling numbers hold true, then many places that lean solid red or solid blue turn more "purple", that might just be a catalyst for a more centrist era or at least more calls for crossing the aisle.




Are any of your relationships with friends and/or family members suffering due to disagreements over this election?

NANCY: I've said many times that I must have been adopted, my politics are so different from almost all of my family's.  And living where we do, it's only natural that many if not most of my friends are much more conservative than I am.  I try really hard to stay away from political discussions with people I care about, I learned that lesson in the last election.  What this means is that I often have to remove myself from situations with family and friends because I am not interested in arguing.  So yes, It has changed by relationships, in that I don't always feel I can discuss issues that are important to me without starting an argument or causing hard feelings.  And I'm resentful that I have to make this choice.

CHRIS: From my perspective they are not.  I have become more cognizant of my social media use, however—and have basically stopped posting any political information at all.

TRACEY: I have blocked or muted many on social media and or avoided any mention of the election with others. At this point, I don't think many are interested in discussion and nothing is going to change their minds. I find many of the "sources" quoted are either wrong, biased, or completely unfounded.



Are you at all dissatisfied with any specific aspects of the electoral process itself?

NANCY: I would definitely like to see Citizen's United overturned.  It's disgusting to me that a small group of very rich individuals can in effect buy an election because they have billions to throw away on it.  I also would like to see a shorter active campaign cycle.  Much shorter.  Like 3 months from declaration, then primaries, a convention and election day.

CHRIS: My dissatisfaction boils down to two aspects:
1.  I believe the election process involves too much technology.  It doesn’t take an extensive search of the internet to find stories about electronic voting machines being vulnerable to hacking or calculating votes incorrectly.

2.  I also believe there is no such thing as non-partisan news.  News outlets are in the business of selling news, and they’ll pander to the audience they feel will buy their news.  Therefore, the media plays too great a role in the election process.

TRACEY: I continue to be concerned and frustrated with congressional gerrymandering and voter ID laws.



This question is purposefully vague, but do you feel we as a nation, meaning specifically a collective of the people who live here, are heading in the right direction (feel free to define "the right direction" any way you want)?

NANCY: I'm very concerned about the intrusion of religion into every aspect of life.  The separation of church and state is becoming almost non-existent.  I don't want anyone judged on their faith or lack thereof.

CHRIS: No, I don’t.  There are several different reasons why, but I think most of the reason is we are no longer willing to work for success.  Society wants success handed to it:  all the benefits of success without the labor involved to get those benefits.

TRACEY: Yes. While change is slow, progress is being made on a number of social issues that I think are important, and I think dialogue has been opened on many others.




What's one thing that you're afraid will happen if your candidate doesn't win the election? 

NANCY: The erosion of relations with foreign countries, both allies and those who are not.  That is a recipe for disaster, in my opinion.

CHRIS: Loss of personal liberties such as (but not limited to) 2nd Amendment Rights, free speech, freedom to educate my kids as I see best, and economic doom.

TRACEY: While there have certainly been presidential elections that I didn't like the outcome, if my candidate lost I wasn't fearful for our nation. In this election, I truly worry economic, foreign relations, and constitutional crises of epic proportions. 

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Comedians hindering comedians

I've written about my pal Cam Bertrand before. Cam is now officially an award winning comedian. I'm very happy for him and very proud of him.

In the tightly-knit comedy family, we try to help each other out whenever we can, if it isn't too much problem and/or we feel like it. That may or may not come at a price sometimes. So when Cam mentioned to me that he had never attended a professional hockey game before and that he would like to do so, I was thrilled to respond that I was in a position to help make that happen. All he had to do was one little tiny thing when he picked up the tickets...

Look how genuinely painful that was for him to say that!
Great job by Missy Davis, Megan Gardner and Nicole Nastwold in helping torture him and capture it all on video.
I love it! And I'll pay for it at some point, but that's okay. Totally worth it.

Yes, they were good seats. There was also a VIP laminate from a recent Kanye West concert in there, because Cam loves Kanye and I'm actually not a total dick.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

(One of) My problem(s)

This happened:
I was buying some fruit at the grocery store, a little tub of melon and strawberries because sometimes, yes it's true, I eat that kind of thing for dinner. I put it on the conveyor belt at the register, turned around to look at something and it fell off. I still don't know how that happened but the tub hit the floor, opened, and the pieces of fruit you see here fell out.
I felt terrible. Not like, "Oh darn it" terrible. Like TERRIBLE terrible.
Terrible for wasting the fruit. Terrible for not being able to eat that fruit. Terrible for making a mess. Terrible that a store employee had to come and clean it up. Terrible for being such a klutz. Terrible for wasting the efforts of the farmers who grew and picked that fruit. Terrible! For hours. Seriously, this ruined my night.

I know how stupid that sounds.
I know that because it is stupid. I know it is. Accidents happen, and piddly little ones like this happen often. Everyday to almost everybody, all the time. It's no big deal and life moves right along. Very few people get upset about it and virtually no one stays upset about it. Not me, when it comes to me though. When it comes to me, I hate myself for stuff like this. Hate! In fact, if somebody else did it, I wouldn't even take note of it. Not if I do it though. No, if I do it I have to go home and brood about it for hours, to the extent that I have trouble falling asleep.
No, I'm not kidding.
And yes, again, I know it's stupid.
I'm positive that this kind of thinking has held me back from achieving more in life. And I know how stupid that is too. Guess what? I feel terrible about that too!

I've always been kind of clumsy, or at least not very graceful. Dad, when he wasn't annoyed by my klutziness, seemed to find great humor in it. He'd gleefully point out how disproportionately big my feet were or how I swam like I was in a fight with the water. Loudly, in front of whomever happened to be around at the time. That made me self-conscious then and maybe it stuck with me, but I don't know. I have zero qualms about hopping up on a stage a couple times a week and telling total strangers stories about myself where I come off far worse than somebody who spills fruit at a grocery store.

I don't know what any of this "means" in terms of defining person, who they are, what they do in the big picture of life itself. I just know it's one thing that annoys me about myself and I wish I could stop wasting time and energy on it.

Wednesday, October 05, 2016

Fixing Luke Cage


Netflix recently released the show "Luke Cage", chronicling the adventures of the legendary Marvel super hero of the same name (aka "Power Man"). It's a good show (I'm two episodes in to the initial 13 of this first season) but apparently some people have a problem with it. A very specific group of people and one very specific problem with it, that is...
Yes, once again the cry of "NOT ENOUGH WHITE PEOPLE" has been sounded.
Per ushe.


Now, I've been reading comic books since the '70s when Luke Cage looked like this...
If you're going to wear yellow boots, you'd better be a bad ass.
...and the basic reason he exists is because he's black. More than any super power he possesses and his interactions with other characters in the Marvel Universe (he's worked with the Fantastic Four, the Avengers and the Defenders as well as frequent team-ups with his pal Iron Fist and being married to Jessica Jones), his being a black man is really his raison d'être. That's not something for which Marvel apologizes, nor should they. It's perfectly fine for there to be a black super hero. Of course it is. Black people read comics and there's no good reason whatsoever that there shouldn't be heroes that look like them. None.

But hold on a minute. Maybe (white) people complaining have a valid point. This isn't a comic book, this is a television show. And nobody (white people) should ever be subjected to having to watch television that doesn't represent them or their interests. How is someone (a white person) supposed to identify with characters (black people) and situations (black people doing stuff) with which they aren't immediately familiar and comfortable?
Nobody has ever had to deal with circumstances like that!
Let's all settle down, before this becomes a whole "thing", okay? I think we can resolve this by just making a couple of minor tweak-olas. You know, so everyone can sit down together and enjoy the program like the crazy, colorful, wonderful, melting-pot patchwork quilt with no more racism that we like to think we are sometimes.

  • A central plot point of the series involves a corrupt politician raising funds to open a community center named after Crispus Attucks. Let's change that to a community center named after Jack Nicklaus. Attucks was killed during the Boston Massacre and is widely considered the first casualty of the American Revolutionary War. Nicklaus has won 18 major golf championships. That's pretty much a wash.
  • In the show, Luke Cage operates out of a barber shop in Harlem, where he works doing various janitorial tasks. An easy fix is to move his base to a cute "indy" coffee shop in Brooklyn. Is anyone going to try to make the argument that Power Man would enjoy sweeping floors and doing laundry more than sipping a nice pumpkin spice latte? I think not.
  • Casting. Okay, there are lots and lots of black actors playing lots and lots of black characters. How about if we lighten (HA HA!) that up just a wee little bit?

Those aren't bullet holes; it came that way from Old Navy.

  • Not ALL of the characters have to be white. It's a super hero show so there are lots and lots of bad guys. Those could all be played by black actors and I don't think (white) people would even notice. 
  • Okay, maybe not all the bad guys. There should probably be some diversity (white people) when it comes to the high-profile villains who have lots of screen time and memorable, meaningful dialogue.

Oh, that's much better. I think (white) people will sleep much easier once these simple changes are implemented.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

The Ridiculously Inconsistent Endorsement


If anybody ever asked me questions about politics, they might ask questions like these:
"Clark, for whom are you voting?"
"Clark, who is the best candidate?"
"Clark, whose side are you on?"
Those are excellent questions, but nobody asked me so I don't have to answer them. And for that reason, the candidate I have decided to endorse is...
Joshua Santos
for Tax Collector

Here's a handy Q and A with A's to answer all your Q's

Q: Is he a Democrat or a Republican?
A: I don't know, but I did find this photo of him...
Pictured (L to R): Elephant statue and Joshua Santos
Maybe he just likes elephants. Or statues of animals.
Q: Who knows?
A: Who cares?

Q: In what county is he running?
A: Any of 'em. All of 'em. He's not actually on any ballots so you're going to need to write him in. J-O-S-H-U-A. S-A-N-T-O-S. Just vote for him. Wherever he gets elected, he'll show up to do the job of Tax Collector, which is collecting taxes.

Q: Is he qualified for this position?
A: Of course he is. Just look at him sitting behind this government desk, made of marble and wood.
Pictured (L to R): Joshua Santos

Q: Whose desk is that?
A: No idea.

Q: Then why is he sitting there?
A: I don't know but look how much fun he's having. And isn't that what matters?

Q: What are his policies?
A: The other night, he told me about a bunch of laws that he plans to change once he's in office. I don't remember what they were and I'm pretty sure that a Tax Collector can't even do any of the things he said, but he said stuff and it sounded pretty good and that's what matters. So, yeah.

Q: But where does he stand on the issues?
A: He is for them. Many of them. Not all of them. Some of them, he is against. He is a reasonable man.

Q: Is he a man of the people?
A: Yes, he is. He's friends with at least two police officers and at least one black man.
Pictured (L to R): Joshua Santos, a cop, a black man, another cop.

Q: Why are you endorsing Joshua Santos in this election for the position of Tax Collector?
A: Let me tell you a little story. I was at an open mic in Ybor City a while back with a bunch of comedians and we were throwing back some brewskis, as is our wont. Joshua Santos approached, drinking a martini. Bright green liquid in a fancy glass with a long stem. Behind our burly mugs filled with frothy amber goodness, we proceeded to hurl invective at him, questioning his virility and manhood, which are the same thing but we questioned both of them. Josh simply held his martini aloft and said "these are $2". Then this happened...
Pictured (L to R): "The 'Tini Boys"
Joshua Santos has the ability to bring us together and provide exactly the kind of leadership we need from a Tax Collector.

Wherever you live, vote for Joshua Santos on whatever day the election is. Because I said so.
Thanks.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

The new originality

Things have changed.
That happens over time.
I understand. I get it. I'm okay with it.

Kinda.

I mean, I try to understand. I try to get it. I try to be okay with it.

Still, sometimes I'm thrown a curveball with which I can't quite connect. Apparently, concepts like "100%" and "original", concepts that I thought that by virtue of their self-evident, basic definitions were incapable of being altered, have somehow changed.

Definition of 100 percent:  completely, entirely

Definition of original:1 archaic :  the source or cause from which something arises; specifically :  originator
2 a :  that from which a copy, reproduction, or translation is made
b :  a work composed firsthand
As someone who actually does produce 100% original material every single time I do something, I was thrown when I came across this on Facebook yesterday:
Specifically, what this person was (is) upset about, is this:
If that looks familiar to you, it could be because you may have seen it pop up in an obscure little film franchise known as "Star Wars". Other people posted comments in support of the original poster's complaint, including one who said that that the original poster was a victim of copyright infringement. Against my better judgment, I posed a question:
"How is taking a logo from a movie that's been around for 40 years '100% original'?"
I received a reply:
"Original is when you create your car your own way, a way no one has seen in the cars seen the movie could have been around 1 billion years but if I created a style or a way my car looks doesn't give the right for someone else to copy it just cause they want too, create your own shit!!! Point blank!!!"
To which I responded:
"I guess. But try applying for a copyright, as discussed above, with that design and see how 'original' the lawyers think it is."
That drew this:
"Who cares about lawyers dude! , you'll have to go after the whole car scene! If anything the [sic] should pay h [sic] I mean and everyone else with these type of decals!"
Eventually, the original poster chimed in:
"Because of the fact that although the logo belongs to the movie, the design and concept behind a Star Wars themed car specifically tail light design for a Chevy Spark the exact same year was hand-painted... Those tail lights aren't available in any stores they were custom made... Its original because these aren't able to be purchased anywhere. There is no store or location where you can buy these."
At this point, the absurdity caused my sarcasm to kick in:
"Okay, I get it. Like recording a bunch of songs on a CD that can't be bought in a store makes it original. Got it."
Unfortunately, it didn't land on the intended level:
"Exactly doesn't make it good it just makes it original"
Oh.

So remember folks, the guy selling mix tape CD's in the parking lot of your local gas station isn't a douchebag bootlegging hack capitalizing on the creativity of others, he's an artist trying to sell his new "100% original" album.
Be sure to catch my next "100% original" stand-up appearance where I'll be... umm, oh, let's call it re-interpreting... 30-year-old Eddie Murphy fart jokes that I've never stolen... err, re-interpreted... before! It won't be good, but I'll be able to defend it as "original".
Eddie can send me a check.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Justice: Meh.

Comedian Steve Miller does a very funny bit about reviews of national parks on Yelp. I was reminded of that the other day when I saw that a friend of mine "checked in" at the Hillsborough County Courthouse. 
Did you even know that you could rate the county courthouse?
Did you even know that the hallowed halls of local justice, where trials are held and other judicial matters are settled is a crummy joint that's only worth a lousy two and a half stars?
Two and a half stars! 
"I'll judge YOU, judges."

I didn't read the reviews, but I can just imagine...

Brian M. of Tampa: Let me start with the location. I get it, the whole urban-downtown-hip-chic aesthetic, but enough already. The architecture of this particular location with the high ceilings and a spacious lobby gives way to rooms with stately wooden paneling and no windows in them (wtf?!?). The whole thing sets off a heavy (and frankly, pretentious) "This is a place of authority where serious business is conducted" vibe. If that's what they're going for, okay, but it isn't very fun.
Also, what does a statue of a juggling mermaid have to do with the legal system?

I was there to argue my side in yet another dispute with my ex-wife, who is simply the worst. In spite of that fact that anyone with eyes could see (hellooooo!) and my well-presented argument about how my being two years behind in my child support payments is a form of protest and therefor protected by the First Amendment, the judge actually ruled against me!
Oh hai, Hillsborough County. I didn't know you could overrule THE CONSTITUTION!!!!!!

In fact, in addition to needing to pay all the past-due child support, I was given an additional fine ($200!!!) and sentenced to eight weeks of anger management training just because I threw a snake at her (my ex, not the judge).
Not even venomous.

Overall, this was an underwhelming experience and I do not look forward to going back yet again for the fifth time for similar bullshit. One star for cleanliness, one star for ample and convenient parking and a half star because they validate.