What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine

Life is a series of obsessions. Some are impulsive and fleeting, like Swatch watches, while others are deep-rooted and last a lifetime, like not trying not to die. Often, these obsessions are shared with those with whom we spend a lot of time. Such is the case at work where many of us are currently obsessed with "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia", the FX sitcom about a group of people on a quest to demonstrate the absolute worst manners, morals, and judgement in television history. In our office, the show is mentioned several times every day, whether somebody is quoting dialogue or reliving scenes from a favorite episode.
Yesterday, Billy went on the shows official website and downloaded an icon of Charlie for use on his Yahoo! messenger. I decided it was pretty cool looking so I went and downloaded it for my Yahoo! messenger too. Billy was not amused...

BILLY: Man, don't do that. I already have Charlie.
ME: I know. I want Charlie too.
BILLY: Well, we can't both have Charlie. That's stupid.
ME: Ok, take somebody else. You can have Sweet Dee.
BILLY: I don't want Sweet Dee.
ME: So get Frank. Frank is hilarious!
BILLY: I don't want Frank, Sweet Dee, Dennis or Mac. Charlie is mine. I had it first.
ME: You can't claim Charlie as yours. It's on the internet, free for anybody who wants it. And I want it.
BILLY: That's fucked up. I can't believe you're stealing my shit.
ME: It's not stealing. It's free from the FX network.
BILLY: You only want it because I have it!
ME: That is almost entirely true. But so what? It's not like you can do anything about it.
BILLY: You know what? Go ahead and keep Charlie. I don't care. I'm going to get a different one. But please don't copy me and steal that one, ok?
ME: Sorry, I can't make that promise. Actually, I'm already a little bored with Charlie and if I see something else I like better, I may change it.
BILLY: I hate you!
ME: Ha ha ha!
BILLY: Do you remember the other day when I stabbed your foot with that umbrella? I apologized and said it was an accident. Well, it wasn't an accident. I did it on purpose. I knew you were going to steal my shit so I went back in time and stabbed your ass in the foot. And I'm glad I did it too!!
ME: None of that makes any sense. It's obvious that you have no familiarity with the concepts of time travel or human anatomy. Therefore, you have demonstrated that you do not deserve cool chat icons. So go see if you can download a Liam McPoyle chat icon. Because you suck.
BILLY: GOD, I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!
ME: Ha ha ha ha ha!!

Much Ado About Not Much

Here are three things that people are kind of worked up about right now and what I think about them. For what it's worth...


BRITNEY SPEARS, PARTICULARLY HER RECENT "PERFORMANCE" ON MTV
I must be missing something here but this was not the worst thing I've ever seen on television. Oh sure, it was awful. But Britney Spears and other performers of her ilk are always awful. But did anybody honestly expect Elvis in Vegas, the Beatles on Ed Sullivan or James Brown at the Apollo? It certainly didn't merit the cover of Entertainment Weekly, did it? Sloppy and uninspired maybe but it's not like she pooped herself or even fell down. And as far as being fat, I'd like to be that fat. In fact, if I ever am that fat, I'll wear that outfit and expect to be worshipped as a god. What I wonder is if fashion models are too skinny and Britney Spears is too fat, exactly what can a woman weigh without being criticized?




OJ STEALS HIS STUFF BACK
Wow, in the World Series of Scumbags, who do you pull for, the guy who got away with murdering two people or sports memorabilia dealers? That's a tough one and I don't know the answer, but look at OJ. He's looking good for a 60-year-old man, isn't he? He looks fantastic! Man, that guy is livin' right. One question though: who even wants OJ Simpson memorabilia at this point anyway?



KID NATION
People are debating the merits of this new reality show on CBS, wherein kids, with minimal adult supervision, attempt to establish a functioning society. Some say the show provides valuable life lessons and teaches us about our own society. Opponents say it merely exploits children.
I don't watch the show and probably never will. But 'Kid Nation', along with every other program on television, exists for one reason and one reason only; as a vehicle to deliver advertising to consumers. The instant it fails to accomplish this, it will be cancelled and replaced by another show. As such,'Kid Nation' is no more a sociological experiment or teaching tool than 'Gilligan's Island'. Seriously, anybody who doesn't understand this fundamental, basic truth about television programming probably shouldn't have kids...or a television. People, for the love of god, please stop relying on television to raise your kids (and justifying doing so by calling it a "learning experience"). It didn't work for us, what makes you think it will work for them?

Catching up on CENFLO

I just realized that I never followed up on my promise to talk more about the Central Florida Film Festival (CENFLO) where we presented "Ten At The Top In Tampa Bay". I also noticed that I have only posted twice in the last two weeks and both times I bitched about what was on television, which would indicate that I've done nothing but sit around and watch TV. Far from it. So as promised previously, here's what happened at CENFLO.

• The festival runs during the Labor Day weekend, so it started Thursday night and ran through Sunday. I had to work Thursday so I didn't get to Kissimmee until late. I did get there in time for the gala at the Osceola Center for the Arts. K and R were already there but had car trouble earlier in the day. Everybody was kind of wiped and we didn't feel like sampling any night life and we didn't stay very long.


• Saturday and Sunday we hung out and watched tons of films. Some better than others, but I honestly didn't see anything I hated. This is unusual for me as I have an innate ability to find something to hate in almost anything, and I enjoy doing so. As a result, I was both pleasantly surprised and bitterly disappointed.


• We didn't go out Saturday or Sunday evenings either. I didn't feel well all weekend long for some reason and I don't think K & R did either. It kind of goes without saying that it's extremely challenging to find good food in the Kissimmee area. It's Disney's doorstep so the whole area is choked with kitsch and clutter. And in an environment like that, it's no surprise that almost everything is served either in a plastic bag handed to you through a window or from a trough on a steam table, which is enough to make anybody feel queasy. I had very little appetite so I didn't eat much of that crap but something got me. I had to call in sick to work later that week. It was definitely a disappointment to not spend at least a little of the weekend partying up but none of us were really up to it.


• My favorite film of the weekend was "Kreating Karloff" (you can watch it in it's entirety by clicking the link). I got to meet the star and creative force behind it, Conor Timmis. I had hoped to just say hello and compliment him on the film but we wound up talking for quite a while about all kinds of stuff. Conor's an interesting guy, with lots of opinions on a variety of topics. He's been doing the festival circuit for some time and had some great stories, successes and disappointments, about his experiences.


• "Ten At The Top..." was shown twice and both times there were glitches in the presentation. The first time was in a small room that I think is a music rehearsal studio. Just after the film started, someone tripped and fell over some chairs. Then a couple of minutes later somebody hit the light switch which was actually in a tiny hallway outside the room. The next day in the big theatre, it started with audio but no picture. It only lasted about five seconds but it felt like hours. Plus, the color was kind of washed out for some reason. I think the DVD projector was over-adjusted for another, darker film. It was still a thrill to actually see it on a real, full-size movie screen.


• Another thrill was autographing our poster for festival director Bob Cook and his wife and deputy director Ginger. I tried to think of something deeply meaningful ("War Is Over If You Want It"), spiritually cryptic ("May U Live 2 C The Dawn"), or sarcastically smarmy ("Get Well Soon") but couldn't think of anything that hadn't already been done or didn't sound full of shit so I just went with a sincere "Thanks!" and my signature, which sort of looks like "Clk Buh". I suppose I should probably be too mature (jaded) to get an ego stroke from being asked to autograph something but I'm not.


• The festival closed with an awards ceremony. In spite of the fact that we didn't win anything, R wouldn't let me throw my program on the floor indignantly and storm out. Uh, hello? I thought we were filmmakers. If we're not going to storm petulantly out of awards ceremonies, what's the point?

Bottom line, CENFLO itself was terrific. Great films, well organized, beautiful facility, and extremely friendly and hospitable staff. I hope we have something to take there next year. I'll just bring sandwiches from home.

There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, on

Folks, forget the rain forest or whatever. Ominous signs indicate that we are dangerously close to completely running out of one of our single most precious resource: television. Need proof? Here's what's on ABC right now (8:00PM EST)...

"JUST FOR LAUGHS" - This a collection of blooper and practical joke clips from some old TV shows that originally aired in the sort of eastern European country where goats are treated both better and worse than you'd expect, accompanied by the kind of canned laugh track that hasn't been used without irony on American television in about 20 years. The on-screen guide's description says this is some of the imported hilarity you can expect to see on 'Just For Laughs': "A car door slams on a man's hand; a police officer borrows a pedestrian's cell phone; an arm falls out of a coffin". My god, we're not only out of television, we're out of humor!

Burp

I just spent the last three hours watching the film "Waterworld". On purpose. It was like eating an entire bag of Funnyons for dinner; I figured it couldn't possibly be as bad as I remember it but three hours later I find myself feeling bloated, disoriented and a little disgusted with myself. In my defense, there honestly was nothing else on TV tonight (aren't the new shows supposed to be on now?) so they caught me when I was vulnerable. Plus, I've noticed it's been on the local cable channels a lot lately. I flipped past it twice on different channels this past weekend before caving in tonight. I'm not sure if it's because somebody's decided with all the discussion of global warming taking place that this film is suddenly relevant but I sincerely doubt the solution has anything whatsoever to do with a urine-drinking Kevin Costner bungee jumping from a homemade zeppelin to save a little girl with a tramp stamp from a three way exploding jet ski collision.

Random Observations On Tuesday, September 4

Maybe nobody else finds this stuff odd or even interesting, I can't tell anymore, but I do. So I write about it. Here's stuff I saw and/or heard today:

• Fans of the University of Michigan are acting like there were several untimely, grisly deaths in their immediate families over the weekend because they lost their season opening football game to unranked, lower division Appalaichan State. They had hopes of competing for a national championship and will now be lucky to be ranked anywhere near the top 10 for the rest of the season. I guess I understand their grief; it's not like there's a war going on or anything.
• After a long weekend in Orlando (which I will write about soon) I had to do laundry. So I went to the laundromat after work tonight. While sitting there watching "Gilmore Girls" (there's only one TV), the woman who manages the laundromat, who I am positive is at least ten years younger than I am, was doing a crossword puzzle and asked me "What team does Joe Namath play for?". I answered "Uh, the New York Jets" and then added under my breath "about 35 years ago". I know time stands still at the laundromat. I didn't know it actually went backwards.
• Also at the laundromat, I overheard a teenage girl tell her mother "Today in the hallway, my jeans slipped down and I looked back and like, every guy was looking at me and checking me out". Was mom appalled, nonplussed, taken aback or otherwise affected in any way by this declaration? Not that I could tell. Of course, she was folding a tee shirt that read 'RENT ME...by the hour' on it at the time, so maybe topics like that are commonplace in mother/daughter confabs. I don't know. For me, it just further reinforces that fact that I am not cut out to be a parent.
• I had to buy a new phone charger because I left mine in Orlando so I went to WalMart. As I cruised the aisles, I heard a slow, solemn military drum cadence over the loudspeakers. It took me a minute but I realized they were playing Elvis's 'An American Trilogy', which is a medley of 'Dixie', 'The Battle Hymn Of The Republic' and 'All My Trials'. I'm sorry, I just think that in itself is kind of funny.
• I did the self checkout thing, as usual, and was halfway to the door before I realized I'd left four dollars in the change tray. I turned around and got it and on my way back to the exit, the hatchet-faced receipt-checker, or scorn-wielder or whatever her title is said to me, "You don't have to worry, we wouldn't have kept it. We'd have taken it to the office". Her tone suggested that I was somehow insulting her integrity by remembering I had left change behind and coming back immediately to get it. I guess I was supposed to leave, give her an opportunity to graciously retrieve it for me and then wait an acceptable time (I don't know, three days? A week?) before returning to the office to claim it. Sorry, I didn't know the protocol. I tried to make a little joke about how I needed the money and she said, without a little joke, "Yeah, I know you do". Now what the hell was that all about?

The saga of Randy and Paula

Looks like the long-rumored parting of Randy and Paula White is officially news. Ah well, happens to the best (and the rest) of us. However, one has to wonder if this is the first visible sign that the Without Walls empire has reached a tipping point and things are going to proceed rapidly downhill from here. Allegations of general malfeasance and improper conduct have been floating around for some time now, as seems to be the norm with all these so-called "megachurches". By and large, Without Walls has enjoyed a pretty solid reputation for good works in the community, but as their profile has grown, so have whispers of improprieties.

I don't know if any of these rumors are true. I do know for a fact that Randy White regularly attends high profile events like concerts, Superbowls and championship fights in Las Vegas and the pair generally live their lives more like rock stars than church pastors.

As far as I'm concerned, I don't begrudge anyone making a buck and I don't necessarily believe that religious leaders need to sleep on a straw mat and eat out of a clay bowl (although, Mother Teresa seemed to manage somehow) but I'm also not going to go out of my way to salute someone who wants credit for tossing scraps to the poor while they live far above what any normal person's definition of comfortable would be. After all, how much food and clothing can be purchased with the difference in price between a Cadillac Escalade and an Infiniti G37 Coupe? (About $21,000 worth) So if this is the beginning of the end and this all goes down badly, and it's hard to imagine it going down any other way, I can't say I won't be somewhat satisfied to see it.

Plus, I'm pretty sure Paula White is a space alien.

Is this the definitive Tampa news story of all time?

Maybe! After all, it features a former professional wrestler, a county commissioner (the same guy, actually), a chain restaurant and a lawsuit. If only there had been some of our world famous adult entertainers involved. Well, it does have a happy ending...

Commissioner Blair's Suit Against Carrabba's 'Amicably Settled'




(Cross posted at Sticks Of Fire)

Karaoke and how it relates to differences between the sexes

As I mentioned before, the girls and I have been doing karaoke at the Proud Lion Pub lately. I'm learning some frightening new things Such as what the songs someone chooses to sing says about them. As seen here...

THE GIRLS: "I want to sing that one song about how I will survive without a man or men of any kind. Or one of the ones about how I can do without any of his stupid male nonsense. Or the one about how I'm going to destroy his personal property while he's out cheating on me. Is there a song about attacking men with crowbars and blowtorches while they sleep? No? there should be. I would sing the shit out of that one. Or anything by Alanis Morrisette. Hey, you know what would be even more fun? Let's all go up on stage as a group, or maybe more like a street gang, and sing all those songs!"

ME: "I'd like to sing a song about how you can leave your hat on. It's a very nice hat and I know you're fond of it. Me too. Feel free to keep it on. You look cute in it. Plus, it's kinda cold out and you lose most of your body heat through your head, you know. I'm just mostly concerned about your health. Of course, I'm not ordering you to keep your hat on. I would never do that. But you can leave your hat on. You know, if you want. Or not. It's totally up to you. That's all I'm saying, really."

In summation;
ME = precious, kind and completely innocent
THE GIRLS = fearsome, ferocious and to be feared

Five Easy Pieces Diner Scene

May I not help you?

Boy, for an area that relies so heavily on the tourism and hospitality industries, I sure do run across a lot of crappy customer service here in Tampa Bay. Let me cite three very recent examples.

1. BOSTON MARKET (Carrollwood) - Earlier this week, I was behind an elderly lady in line who ordered her meal and also wanted a salad to go along with it. The server said she had a choice between Caesar and Market Chopped. The lady was confused. "I just want a regular salad". Again, she was presented with the choices of Caesar or Market Chopped. "Is one of those like a small dinner salad?" "Well, one is a Caesar salad and the other is our Market Chopped salad." Now the lady was very confused and I can't say that I blame her in the least. She was getting replies but no answers. What the hell is a market chopped salad anyway? What does that even mean, 'market chopped'? Now I know that people who work at places like Boston Market are conditioned to speak only in the approved corporate jargon at all times and that if some jamoke in an office building somewhere decrees that what the rest of the universe knows as a standard, garden variety, garden salad shall henceforth be referred to as Market Chopped, then by God, so shall it be. But that shouldn't overrule common sense to the point that it prohibits serving the customer or even communicating with them. It was pretty obvious the lady just wanted some lettuce, a couple of cherry tomatoes and maybe some cucumber slices and carrot shavings. The server could have very easily just made that happen, instead of engaging in a verbal tug of war of semantics with someone who just wanted a freakin' salad with her dinner, for cryin' out loud. It's because of things like this that the diner scene in 'Five Easy Pieces' (click the link or see above) should be required viewing for everyone in the service industry.
2. THE RINGLING MUSEUM (Sarasota) - We bought tickets last Sunday at 3:30PM, knowing full well that the museum would be closing at 5:00PM. I guess it was nice of the lady reluctantly selling us the tickets to point out that we probably wouldn't be able to see everything but it got annoying when several of the volunteer ushers we came across insisted on driving that point home to us repeatedly, thereby ruining what little time we did have to view the exhibits. At 4:30, one was actually following us and turning off lights behind us. If that wasn't bad enough, at one point I happened to make eye contact with him and in an effort to be friendly said "How ya doin?", he replied "Good night". Real nice. Museums, performing arts centers and such rely heavily on volunteers in order to keep costs down which helps to provide high quality programming and exhibits. The problem is the handful of these people who have bad attitudes, no people skills and false senses of entitlement who seem to find their way into these positions. I guess I just don't understand why anybody would do a job for free if they didn't have a genuine passion for it. I know that if I were so into art, or whatever, that I went out of my way to work at some place for no money, I'd be thrilled to see people who shared that interest and I'd go out of my way to engage them. That's one exhibit we definitely didn't see.
3. RACETRAC GAS STATION (Gunn Highway) - I bought an Arizona Iced tea at this gas station today. It came to $1.06. I gave the cashier two one dollar bills. He said "you don't have the six cents?" and I said "Nope, I have no coins". "Well you should carry coins", he replied with disgust. I've had cashiers ask for exact change before and if I have, I'll use it. If not, I don't. But this was the first time I'd ever actually been chided for not carrying three quarters, two dimes, a nickel and four pennies with me in the event that I might have to come up with any possible combination of change from a dollar for the benefit of a clerk with a cash register full of money in front of him. I reminded him that I had two dollars, more than enough to pay for the item. He said "Don't worry about it" sneering, as though he were graciously doing me some kind of favor. If there had been more than one cashier on duty and nobody in line behind me, I would have made an issue out of it right then and there and insisted that he take my two dollar bills and give me the 94 cents change. I didn't but I kind of regret that now. I'm all about picking my battles and usually don't make a big deal out of things like this but I think it might have been satisfying to make a small mountain out of this particular mole hill. Instead, I just won't go there anymore, which is the customer's ultimate weapon anyway.

(Cross posted at Sticks Of Fire)

The Worst Thing In The World

The worst thing in the world, worse than genocide or matricide or any other cide order, has to be when you wake up just a few minutes before your alarm clock goes off...on a monday morning.

"There's a new home run champion of all time..."

...and it's Barry Bonds. Deal with it.

Ok, only because I've been asked about it, here's my couple of cents on why I don't have a problem with Bonds breaking Aaron's record:

• Steroids - Steroids make you bigger, stronger and faster but they do not improve hand/eye coordination. If you don't have that, I don't care how big, strong and fast you are, you're not going to hit worth a damn. Even if you're naive enough to think that the handful of players who've actually been mentioned by name as being involved with steroids are the only ones who are, it's not like there are several guys who suddenly are in the 700+ home run club. Bonds is the only one.


• Asterisks - This is an awfully big can to open. If you're going to denote Bonds' homers with asterisks, how far are you willing to take it?Asterisks on his RBI? How about the ERA's of every pitcher who gave up a home run to him? How about Won/Lost records for those pitchers in games where a Bonds home run influenced the outcome? Team won/lost records? Standings? Pennants?


• He's no Hank Aaron - Who is? Are we really willing to determine the merit of an athlete's accomplishments based on their personal demeanor? I'm not.

And there you have it, as far as I'm concerned anyway.

Fountain Blah

There's a fountain being built in Ybor City as part of a major beautification project. It's being built by the Florida Department of Transportation (FDOT) and when completed, will become the responsibility of the City of Tampa. This fountain is huge (nearly 29,000 square feet) and the total construction is going to cost about $1.3 million once it's done. The upkeep is expected to cost between $3,000 and $5,000 a month.
Now, as long as hospitals success rates aren't 1000% and crime rates aren't 0%, there are going to be plenty of valid arguments against spending millions of dollars on things like fountains. But we all know they're still going to get built and now we're stuck with this one so there's no point in bringing any of those arguments up now. Don't get me wrong; as far as fountains go, this is truly a beautiful fountain. It's as nice as any you're likely to come across. The problem is you're not likely to come across this one.
It's located between 21st and 22nd avenues underneath the I-4 overpass, right across the street from a McDonalds, which is what FDOT spokesman John McShaffrey refers to as a "gateway" to Ybor City. If you don't associate that particular vista with screaming "scenic view!", but more like just regular screaming, well, you're probably not alone. I'm pretty sure that's not one of the gateways to Ybor that Paul Catoe and Norwood Smith of the Tampa Bay Convention and Visitors Bureau tout to out of towners.
It doesn't help that the entire thing is surrounded by a eight-foot high iron fence with locked gates. That's right, you can't (legally) get near it. It seems there are concerns about people misusing the fountain for purposes other than which it is intended, such as a bathing or, um, restroom facility. Now, I'm not making judgements about the people who live in or frequent Ybor City, I'm just following the path being laid here to it's logical conclusion. That being if that's really a concern, then maybe a fountain was never the best thing to put there in the first place. I mean isn't that kind of like getting your kids a puppy but you know they're too irresponsible to care for a pet so you take it to the taxidermist before you give it to them?
At any rate, the best place to actually view this magnificent fountain is from up on top of the I-4 overpass itself. Simply look for the McDonald's sign, then pull over and stop (illegally) in the inside breakdown lane, get out and lean over the retaining wall and look down. Voila! Gateway fountaintastic!
Of course, all this grousing about the fountain is pointless anyway, since the the city has already said that because of water restrictions and budget concerns, they're probably just going to shut the whole thing off once they take control of it. "I don't know of any reason why it should be running," said Elias Franco, spokesman for Tampa 's Water Department.
Oh. Never mind.

(Cross posted at Sticks Of Fire)

Sunday is Derby Day again!

Looking for an activity that features tattooed women in fishnet stockings but not interested in attending a "gentleman's club"? Then the Tampa Bay Derby Darlins might be just what you're looking for!
I was a roller derby fanatic when I was a little kid, to the point where I remember writing an essay on my favorite athlete at the time: Joan Weston, the Blonde Bomber, #59 for my beloved Midwest Pioneers. Every Sunday, my routine consisted of getting up, eating breakfast and impatiently sitting through sepia-tinged reruns of The Lone Ranger and The Cisco Kid before Bert Weinman, Your TV Ford Man, presented this week's installment of the International Roller Derby League (IRDL). The IRDL ran into financial trouble in the early 70's and roller derby quietly faded away, basically disappearing in the 80's. In 1989 it was sort of re-invented as "Roller Games" with gimmicks like a figure eight track, an alligator pit and over the top WWE-style characters and contrived storylines. It lasted a year.
In 2004, the game was revived as an all-female (sorry, no dudes) amateur sport by the Women's Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA). Less a sanctioning governing body like those found in other sports, the WFTDA functions as a coalition of leagues scattered around the United States and serves to set standards for rules, scheduling and safety. While not members of the WFTDA (yet), the Tampa Bay Derby Darlins (TBDD) are a four team league that was formed in 2005 and they hold their events at the United Skates of America rink on Armenia in West Tampa.
Be advised; this is not your father's (or if you're my age, your) old roller derby. It's fast and full contact like the old game but these skaters have attitude by the bucketload. The event I attended tonight was titled "Blood Bath and Beyond", which gives you a hint of what the league is about. No more long-sleeved, superhero-type (shorts-over-tights) uniforms; the new breed teams wear miniskirts, short shorts and lots and lots of, um, exotic hosiery. Let's just say if the sport really catches on this time, Frederik's of Hollywood is going to have a whole new clientele to sell to. And then there are the skater's names. Tonight's event featured Ann T Social, Bettie Krueger, Violent Beauregarde and Spank Sinatra among others. But before you get the wrong idea of just what kind of entertainment takes place, I'd say that in spite of the ribald flourishes, it's entertainment on about a PG, maybe PG-13, level. People of all ages, including kids, were present and all seemed to be enjoying themselves. Yes, the sport is indeed full contact, and there's plenty of that, but there was probably less violent mayhem than at any football or hockey game. While hints at naughtiness abound, there was nothing presented in poor taste. Heck, intermission entertainment featured a game of musical chairs! Tickets are affordable ($10 in advance, $12 day of) and the whole thing actually has a real basic, minor league feel about it. Which for me, is enough to recommend it right there. And don't worry if you don't understand every esoteric rule; just like watching hockey, you'll pick up on the basics quickly enough to enjoy yourself without sweating the nuances.
Their next event is the championship bout, which will take place at United Skates on September 9th and I can hardly wait...just like when I was a kid.

Karaoke-Dokey!

Among the many delightful things that the delightful-in-and-of-themselves K & R have turned me on to is karaoke. In case you don't know, karaoke is the ancient (1970's era) and oft-scorned and ridiculed Japanese art of standing up on a stage in front of people and singing along to pre-recorded music. It may be responsible for spawning the horror that is "American Idol" but I choose to live in denial and refuse to acknowledge this.

Anyway, we have been doing a lot of karaoke lately after going out for dinner at the Proud Lion Pub a couple of weeks ago and hearing singing coming from the bar. After dinner we went over to gawk with no intention whatsoever of participating. We wound up having so much fun that we stayed until closing time. Since then, we've been averaging about one karaoke night a week, usually at the Proud Lion but we have ventured out to other locations with mixed results. There was the time at a resort bar on St. Pete Beach that was kind of old and creepy. Think the Black Lodge from "Twin Peaks" if it were in Florida instead of the Pacific Northwest. We also tried an Irish pub up the street from that place that was just a big frat house. Half the people were interested in karaoke, the other half were engrossed in taking turns clobbering a punching bag machine with everybody very, very drunk. We've also tried the Green Parrot on Dale Mabry a couple of times. The first time the place was packed and the crowd seemed to be comprised of several large groups of people. We went there last night and there were no groups and it was pretty empty so we didn't stay long. We'll keep returning to our "home base" at the Proud Lion though. For one thing, people know us there and we know them so there's a comfort level. This familiarity also breeds a supportive atmosphere, which can not be discounted when you're engaging in an activity where there's such huge potential to come off looking like an ass. The playing field is pretty level there, as far as talent goes. There are a couple of exceptions, one being a guy who goes by the name "H2O" who is seriously talented. Having him perform there is like having Frank Thomas on your softball team; it's fun to watch him launch home runs into the stratosphere until you realize you have to go up there after him and try not to dribble a grounder to the second baseman. But for the most part, we're all ham-and-eggers.

The three of us have very distinct individual approaches to how we perform. R has been accused of (and readily admits to) rehearsing in her spare time. She's also always the first one to get up on stage and get things rolling. For all the crap we (meaning mostly, I) give her about being timid (R is the one who will always poop a party by pointing out and actually obeying trivial things like signs that say "NO TRESPASSING" or "ROAD CLOSED"), she's invariably the boldest of the three of us. Whether it's deciding to make a film, quitting her comfortable job to devote more time to creative pursuits or singing a Pat Benatar song in front of strangers, R is always the one who dives in first.

K is kind of shy and a little less than confident in her karaoke skillz. She's not afraid to get up there but she holds the microphone away from her face and doesn't look or sound like she feels entirely comfortable. Which is interesting because in "real life" (whatever that is) K doesn't seem to lack self confidence in the least and is easily one of the most fearless people I have ever known. So in a way, it's really kind of endearing to see what is obviously a very small side to her personality.

Me, I don't sing. I'm a belter. I'm smart in that I know my limitations. I can carry a tune a little bit and can keep time so I mostly pick old soul, rock and roll or blues numbers that I can growl and grunt through in three and a half minutes or less. I'll do "Long Tall Sally" or "Mustang Sally" or "Lay Down Sally". Basically, I limit myself to songs about Sally. You get the idea.

Sometimes I don't hear so good either

Is it possible to be a dyslexic listener?
This morning I had the TV on in the other room and I heard an ad from Clearwater Mattress Company ("Where Tampa Bay Goes To Sleep") talking about a big sale they're having. The announcer said something about buying "a new Clearwater Mattress", but what I heard was something about buying "a nuclear water mattress".
Sounds dangerous...yet comfy.

Amazing Animal Facts!

I know many incredible things about the inhabitants of the animal kingdom. Here's some of them:

• Over the course of its lifetime, every dog eats its own weight in phone books.
• Benjamin Franklin invented bifocals, the odometer and the giraffe.
• Chickens can fly. They simply refuse to apply themselves.
• I have no information regarding the two animals featured here. I think they might be cats of some sort. One of them looks sort of pissed off, which would further support that hypotheses.
• Zebras lack the ability to intelligently discuss the Monroe Doctrine. However, they have some interesting views on the Magna Carta.
• Muskrats are used as currency in Sri Lanka, with a live muskrat being worth approximately twice as much as a dead one (depending on the strength of the Yen at the given time).
• Flocks of bloodthirsty dolphins roaming the Amazon River and the Himalayan Alps have been known to devour animals alive, using their razor sharp teeth to strip the carcass to nothing but bone in mere seconds.
• The dolphin’s only known enemy is the Silverback Gorilla.
• Lemurs believe that Ayn Rand is vastly overrated.
• Lemurs are right.
• While many disabled people employ the use of "helper monkeys" to assist them with day-to-day chores, many non-disabled people employ the use of "hinder monkeys" to keep things balanced.
• Lobsters are the only animals that can be seen from space.
• In space, no one can hear you scream…except for lobsters.
• There are no lobsters in space…except one: the constellation Cancer.
• Contrary to popular belief and scientific theory, the constellation Cancer is not totally deaf. Rather, it is merely indifferent to your incessant screaming.

So the folks at AC Nielsen are pissed off at me...

...which is kinda what I was going for, but not like this.
Let me explain.
A while back, on the referral from a friend, I signed up to serve on a research panel for the AC Nielsen company. I know that they're the company that records ratings for television shows and I thought that this would be an opportunity to have some sort of impact in that regard. I get so tired of good tv shows like 'NewsRadio', 'Arrested Development' and 'The Knights Of Prosperity' getting cancelled because they have poor ratings while mind-numbing dreck like 'According To Jim' gets renewed perpetually. I don't take a stand on many issues (just yesterday R was talking to me about the presidential debates on YouTube; I told her worrying about the presidential election now is like worrying what place the Devil Rays are in during April) but when it's something important, damn it, like television, I am a force to be reckoned with.
As it turns out, AC Nielsen does all kinds of market research and they wanted me to do consumer shopping instead of tv viewing, so they sent me a hand-held bar code scanner and told me to go shopping. I was disappointed but figured what the hell. Because I'm a closet anarchist who's always fantasized about bringing The System to it's knees, I figured maybe I could artificially skew some sales trends and cause some chaos:

President and CEO of United Business Company, Inc.: "Look at these marketing reports! Blank VHS tapes, clamato juice and lutefisk are suddenly incredibly popular in the southeast, specifically the Tampa Bay region! Double...no, triple our production and distribution of those products there!"

Ha ha! Anarchy!

Alas, this was not to be either. For one thing, it's impossible to cheat The System; you actually have to buy the stuff you scan in and I ain't wasting my money on that crap. Too expensive. Secondly, you don't get to scan everything you buy. They tell you from week to week which products they're looking for and which stores to shop at. One week it might be cleaning products from Publix, the next it might be pet foods from Albertson's. Screw that. Too regimented. Thirdly, the scanner doesn't work very well. I tried several times...well,I tried once, for several minutes...but I could not get the thing to work (and I happen to be excellent at scanning things). It would scan maybe every fifth item or so. Too difficult and time consuming. So I just didn't do it. The scanner sits in it's box on the floor in my kitchen. The AC Nielsen people started calling every couple of weeks, wondering why they weren't getting reports from me. I would lie and tell them I hadn't been shopping. That worked for about two months.

AC NIELSEN: "What do you mean, you haven't been shopping?"
ME: "Yeah, I had an accident. Doctor says I'm not allowed to shop."
AC NIELSEN: "How is that possible? What do you do for groceries and supplies?"
ME: "I eat at other people's houses. And I go to the bathroom at work and stuff"
AC NIELSEN: "Oh. Ok. Well, take care."
ME: "See ya."

I couldn't believe that even worked once. But they either eventually figured out I was full of crap or just got tired of not getting any info from me.

AC NIELSEN: "Hello, Mr. Brooks"
ME: "Yeah, hi. Listen, I'm still laid up and haven't been able to..."
AC NIELSEN: Mr. Brooks, you've been dropped from the program."
ME: "Dropped?"
AC NIELSEN: "Yes sir. We want our scanner back."
ME: "Oh. Ok. Well, sure. Sure thing. I'll get that right out to you."

That conversation has taken place about four times now because I never sent it back. It's still sitting there. The last time they called, they pretty much begged for the return of their scanner, even offering to send me a pre-addressed, postage paid box to ship it in.
Ha ha! Anarchy!

Mansontastic!

I had a chance to go see Marilyn Manson in concert tonight and I declined. Not because I dislike Marilyn Manson but basically because I'm lazy. I just didn't feel like going to a concert tonight. For one thing, it was at the amphitheatre clear across town and for another thing, I've attended a couple of concerts lately, where I was designated driver for K & R. This worked out well because they got to see concerts and I got to see them drunk. But I just didn't feel like going out tonight. Going to concerts takes effort and as I mentioned earlier, I am lazy.

But I do enjoy Marilyn Manson. I'm not goth and I don't live anything remotely resembling the lifestyle one would associate with a Marilyn Manson fan (whatever that is). But I kind of dig some of his music and the whole creepy Halloween thing he has going on is very entertaining and I appreciate showmanship. I've worked a couple of Manson concerts and have found that for the most part, the people he attracts, while admittedly scary looking, are actually pretty polite and well-behaved. Plus, I can't explain it but I think he and I could hang out, in spite of our many inherent differences. Like I said, I don't know why I think that, just a gut feeling I guess. But we could probably go out for late breakfast:

ME: Mmm, I think I'll have a Denver omelet, hash browns and coffee please.

WAITRESS: And you sugar?

MARILYN: I would like to defecate on a crucifix and then drink baby's blood from a goblet fashioned out of a human skull.

ME: Marilyn! Dude!

WAITRESS: Uhh, I don't think...Oh dear...I-I mean, I think we're out of...

MARILYN: Relax, I'm just messing with you. Short stack and a glass of whole milk please.

(Everyone laughs)

ME: Ah, I love ya, you crazy, two-different-colored eyes, breast-implanted bastard!

MARILYN: Back atcha!

(Everyone laughs again)

So anyway, if my inner sloth hadn't overridden my inner goth, I wouldn't have minded going to see Manson tonight. My boss went though. He just text messaged me a few minutes ago with the declaration "I am a star in the dope show!! I am a star in the dope show!!". Damn. Once again, I have blown an opportunity to be a star in the dope show.