It's National Donut Day!

How do you know it's officially a national holiday?

Because otherwise, women like this are never seen inside a Dunkin' Donuts.

2:40 of time pleasantly wasted for Beatles fans

I found this gem on one of my favorite blogs, The Worley Gig.

You don't even need to be a gamer to appreciate it and it's packed with little hidden references that any true Beatles nerd aficionado will appreciate.

Decepti-what now?

I saw Transformers when it came out a couple of years ago. It was a big, loud, dumb mess of a movie, and I loved it. I'm definitely going to check out the sequel when it comes out for more of the same. So I was happy to see the promotional display at the local 7-Eleven when I stopped to get gas the other day...


Nice! Slurpee cups with Transformers on them! But, wait a minute...

What...is...that...?

OH MY GOD!! Megatron! Aaugh!! What the hell, man!? You couldn't transform a baseball field's tarpaulin into an enormous pair of shorts or a giant diaper or something? You don't have the ability to retract that thing? Maybe a holster or something? Damn it! Nobody is going to want to enjoy an ice-cold Slurpee with your robo-junk in their face. Come on! I know you aren't from here originally but we have rules and stuff. Geez. Seriously.

ACME Traffic Management

At least one coyote is apparently on the loose in Tarpon Springs. I would advise residents and visitors to avoid mysterious tunnels that suddenly appear and piles of "free" bird seed. On a positive note regarding the streets of Tarpon Springs; rocket skates? Totally legal!

Today's non-word of the day

Regurgitance [ri-gur-ji-tuhns] –noun

information of little value, due to either being mindless by its very nature or stolen from someone who actually knew what they were talking about, repeated by an individual (usually in a position of authority) in lieu of an original thought or idea.

"I'm sure the boss will be sitting in on the meeting. He'll want to make sure his latest regurgitance about thinking outside the box is presented."

A warning

Dear He Whose Real Name Is So Utterly (Yet Appropriately) Ridiculous That I Can't Even Come Up With An Alias,

I've seen your truck. It's a nice truck. You've obviously put a lot of work into customizing it. I can see why you're so proud of it. It really is a very nice truck.

However, your story about an extremely attractive flight attendant that you don't even know becoming so aroused at the mere sight of it that she felt compelled to spontaneously take off her clothes and have pictures taken of her writhing on it lacks a certain amount of credibility. Like, any. At all. Real life is not a Whitesnake video. If it were, we wouldn't need Whitesnake videos.

I can only suspend so much disbelief without having some sort of reaction. And so I feel it's only fair to warn you that the next time you tell that story, or a different story that is in any way similar, if I am within earshot I will laugh...hard...really, really hard...right in your face. I'm talking about the kind of laughter where the head goes back, the mouth opens wide and great guffaws are projected with such force that microscopic food particles from the hard-to-reach areas between back teeth become dislodged and spray all over your face, spackling your glasses. I may also point. And I won't even feel bad about it because you will deserve it.

Just so you know.

Sincerely,

He Who Does Not Buy Your BS

Do you like my new hat?

I love any joke about pirates that doesn't rely on "Aaarrr!" or some lame variation thereof for a punchline. So when I saw this hat, I had to have one.
Do you want one of your very own? This jaunty lid is sure to make your mates chuckle while simultaneously annoying any Somali ne'er do wells you may encounter. I think it's a "must have" if you're going on a cruise.
To get yours, contact Bill Bruhmiller of Aurora Aerospace at william.bruhmiller@auroraaerospace.net or 1 (813) 321-5149. And tell him you saw it here!

Halleleujah!

Conan returns to tv tonight!
He's replacing Jay Leno as the host of The Tonight Show and I could not be happier. Well, I could, but not about anything else pertaining to television right now.
I know Leno is very popular with people and that Conan's comedy doesn't appeal to everyone. And just like assassinating someone (in a church!) in the name of protecting the sanctity of human life or getting tea bagged at an awards show on international television, this is a subject all of us normal people can relate to, and there is a wide variety of strong opinions out there, with people declaring who is or is not funny or talented.
For what it's worth, I think humor is subjective, even more so than an individual taste in food, music or even beauty. So just because somebody might not make you laugh doesn't mean they aren't funny or talented. I find Leno boring to the point of being unwatchable. He goes for safe, easy laughs in a transparent attempt to ingratiate himself with as many people as possible. The only time I see Leno even attempting to be anything approaching edgy is in one of his frequent appearances as himself in a movie. Which is a shame, because I used to think he was very funny as a stand-up comedian prior to getting The Tonight Show job. But he does make people laugh so he is, by definition, funny. He doesn't make me laugh, though.
Conan's best humor is not all that topical, but it is arbitrary, offbeat and bizarre. He's not afraid to try something off the wall just to see what will happen. That does make me laugh. He's developed a dedicated fan base over the years and there's no reason to believe that those people won't watch The Tonight Show. The question is whether people already watching The Tonight Show will continue to do so.
I guess we'll find out starting tonight.

La Di Da

This past Saturday night, I went to La Di Da, a creative event put on by Square 1, held at The Ritz in Ybor. I've wanted to attend an event at The Ritz for a long time because it's a great venue. Originally a movie theatre that opened in 1917, it now has multiple spaces that can be used individually or opened up for one big event. And La Di Da was huge. Featuring dance, music, fashion and art by more than 75 local artists, there was literally something for everyone. My only complaint would be that there was so much stuff and it was so packed that it was difficult to move around and see everything there was to see. And I don't know if people were expecting an earthquake, but why were so many people stopping and mingling in doorways of all places? As a result, I didn't stay as long as I would have liked. Although, you certainly can't expect anyone to apologize for their effort being too successful, can you?
I look forward to seeing what Square 1 does next and would love to get back inside The Ritz and take some more pictures. In the meantime, here's one I took entering the foyer:

Behind The Quiz

If you're not on Facebook, you should know that a great deal of time and effort is wasted spent on that site making and taking various quizzes. I think there are more quizzes than there are members. If you can think of a topic, there's a Facebook quiz for it. Among the most popular quizzes are the "About Me" variety. This allows you to go in and make a quiz about yourself and send it to your friends. Sure, it's wildly self indulgent (Facebook is like a Google news feed where every news item pertains to you; as a result it's very easy to get caught up in the belief that you are, indeed, a rock star) but ultimately it's harmless and kind of fun. I did one recently and since nobody answered every question correctly, I feel obligated to share the stories behind the questions and answers.


How well do you know Clark Brooks?

1) What city was I born in?
a) Chicago, IL
b) Tampa, FL
c) Frankfurt, Germany
d) St. Joseph, MI
e) Battle Creek, MI

Chicago is my favorite American city but I wasn't born there. Tampa is home sweet home, but I wasn't born here. I spent two great years in Frankfurt and it's my favorite international city, but I wasn't born there. Battle Creek, home of Kellogg's, is the cereal capitol of the world. I wish I were there right now. Nope, I was born in St. Joseph, the comparatively effete, bourgeois twin city to the rough and tumble working class Benton Harbor, where I actually grew up.

2) I have never _____________
a) dressed in drag
b) used an illegal drug
c) been to the Olympics
d) annoyed a Beatle
e) left a Manhattan hotel at 5AM with Leeann Tweeden

a) For a good cause (Relay For Life, 2008)
c) Atlanta, 1996. Watched USA vs Australia in baseball at the old Atlanta Fulton County Stadium, which was a dump at that point. It was the day they re-opened Centennial Park after the bombing.
d) We were hosting Ringo Starr's All Starr Band at the Sun Dome in 2001. It was just prior to show time and I was going somewhere in a hurry for some reason. I burst through the stage doors coming from the arena floor and almost ran over Ringo, who was standing there, waiting to go on. Startled, I said, "Oh! Hi!" and he frostily replied, "Yeah...hi." Okay then! I would have been traumatized for life except I met Sheila E later that night.
e) I was the off-stage announcer for the 2005 American Freedom Festival at the historic Roseland Ballroom in New York, where Leeann Tweeden, a tireless and committed supporter of our troops, was appearing. I had my picture taken with her when the show was over (because she's gorgeous and sometimes, I'm only 15 years old), thanked her and mentioned that I was going to walk back to the hotel. She said she had a car and offered a ride. I gladly accepted and, being a rube hayseed, wondered to myself how she found a parking spot. Of course, she meant a limo was waiting for her. So not that it's cool enough that I'm riding through Times Square in a limo with Leeann Tweeden, it turns out we're staying at the same hotel. I had to get up before dawn the next morning to catch a flight back to Tampa. I wake up, get ready and hop on the elevator, and who's there? Leeann Tweeden! She also had to catch a crazy early flight to go cover a college football game for Fox Sports. So now I've arrived at and left a Manhattan hotel with Leeann Tweeden and all I can think is, "where's the paparazzi when you need them?"
b) My dad was a cop who very effectively instilled an unholy fear of all the possible consequences of using drugs. I think it's served me well. I have friends who've used different things and from what they tell me, I don't feel like I've missed out on anything.

3) My favorite (lucky?) number is ______
a) 6
b) 7
c) 8
d) 9
e) 10

All the digits in any multiple of 9 when added together always equals 9. I like the fact that it's an odd number and yet so symmetrically perfect like that.

4) I secretly would like to be a ________ for a day?
a) robot
b) t-rex
c) superhero
d) bass player in a band
e) all of the above

That's hardly a secret.

5) What is my middle name?
a) Joseph
b) Jackson
c) Jerome
d) Jellybean
e) Susan

My parents named me after nobody. Apparently, grandparents and other members from both sides of the family were fighting over who I should be named after, so "Clark" was their big, fat, 'F you!' to mouthy relatives. Same thing with my sister Connie who was adopted born four years later. However, mom did sneak in a shout-out to her favorite uncle by making my middle name Joseph.

6) What song would I choose to sing at a karaoke bar?
a) "Feelings"
b) "Little Red Corvette"
c) "(I'm Your) Hoochie Coochie Man"
d) "Material Girl"
e) "Toccata and Fugue in D minor"

Did you fall for the decoy and pick "Little Red Corvette" because I'm an avowed Prince freak? Ha ha! I'm a howlin' growlin' blues man on the mic, baby!

7) I was in the __________
a) Army
b) Navy
c) Air Force
d) Marines
e) Bee Gees

I wish I'd joined the Navy now. My favorite thing about being in the military was the travel and Navy guys go everywhere. I went to Kentucky, Indiana, South Carolina, New Jersey, New York and Germany in four years. A friend from high school who joined at the same time saw Greece, Spain, Italy and Japan in two years.

8) What am I scared of?
a) Snakes
b) Bugs
c) Being serenaded in public
d) All of the above
e) None of the above

Seriously, on my birthday, my friends all know not to take me to one of those places where the waitstaff gets together and sings Happy Birthday because I will dive out of a window to get away. I'm not kidding.

9) My favorite sport to watch is ________.
a) baseball
b) football
c) basketball
d) hockey
e) soccer

Actually, I go back and forth between Rays baseball and Lightning hockey, depending what's in season and which hometown team is more fun to watch. These days, with the state the Lightning are in, that's not even a contest.

10) My favorite flavor of ice cream is ________.
a) Vanilla
b) Chocolate
c) Blue Moon
d) Mocha Choka With Extra Egg Yolka
e) Raspberry Flurb

Just about everybody I mention this to has no idea what I'm talking about. They ask what the hell Blue Moon is and what it tastes like and I can't even answer them. It's almost entirely a Midwest thing...except I found out that Kilwin's in Sarasota has it in the summer time.

11) Few know that I have ____________.
a) a daughter I don't talk about
b) three nipples
c) a singing voice not unlike Carol Channing's
d) the ability to read toaster pastries
e) four cats

Yep. Adopted a mama cat before I knew she was going to be a mama and kept her three babies. Because sometimes I'm a softhearted shmuck, that's why.

Baseball: So much more than a game

May 21, 2009. The Big East Conference baseball championship tournament in Clearwater. UConn vs USF.
The stage is set for an epic showdown...

This could have been perfect...

What you see here are two guys at an auto dealership trying (and failing) to charge $3 for parking for a minor league baseball game here in Tampa. The dealership is over a block away from the entrance to the ballpark, which has tons of available parking for free.

In other words, they're trying to sell something that is inferior, impractical and ultimately unnecessary at an inflated price to disinterested consumers. This could have made an ironic, symbolic statement about the state of the American auto industry ( I especially like the median between the left turn arrow and the driveway) if it weren't a Mercedes-Benz dealership.

Ah! Wordplay!

I think I neglected to mention that The 23-Year-Old and I, who used to work together and then didn't, are working together again, although rarely there at the same time.

What makes our relationship so special? Why, it's the snappy patter, the witty repartee, the sly banter. It's like watching Nick and Nora Charles or an Edward Albee play.

Here's a recent text message conversation. It's been translated from text message to normal people language and the name of a mutual acquaintance* who may or may not have any teeth (she doesn't) has been altered but otherwise, is exactly as it occurred. Enjoy!

ME: Why do I have a book on Polish grammar in my inbox?

HER: I left it there. Ha ha! I found it today.

ME: I'm going to make a point of being seen reading it in public.

HER: Linda* wants you to talk to her in the language of love. Also known as Polish.

ME: Mushka bushka dushka deeshka

HER: See? That mess is lovely. Like music!

ME: Too bad you don't have a book to know what I said.

HER: It says "I like the way Linda's* lips curl around her gums." Oompa!

ME: You missed the part about a shiny rubber nurse's uniform. Kielbasa!

HER: Gross!!!

ME: Ha ha ha ha ha!!

See what I mean? They don't write dialogue like that in Hollywood anymore, kids.

Carol's Corner: Hooked on phonics

Here's my mom again. I think she's starting to like blogging. It's a healthy way to express your frustrations. I'll bet she wishes she'd had a blog when I was a kid, ha ha!! (shaddup) I told her she can chime in whenever she wants so I'll be listing all her contributions under "Carol's Corner". I'm calling it that because I'm an adult now and I can use the given name of my parents if I want to. Now I have to go because I think I hear one of the cats chewing on my wind-up robot dinosaur.

Hey, it's Clark's mom again and I really need to vent. Clark said I could write anytime so I figured that this is the perfect place.
One day last week I need to fill my gas tank. I pull up to the pumps, get out and find a hand printed sign on the pump saying:

Incert credit card exactly like the picture.

What??
A few years back I saw the following sign in the window of another gas station:

No personal checks accepted. No acceptions.

I work in an automotive manufacturing plant and this winter over one of the men's rooms doors was the sign:

Plese wipe feet.

The thing that really bothered me about this one is that I mentioned it to at least two dozen other people and none of them even noticed the spelling. How can you NOT notice it? These things scream out to me when I see them. I guess that both correct spelling and just being observant are now things of the past.
Okay, I feel better now.

Army Stories: The Russian hockey incident

I hope you're enjoying the Memorial Day weekend and celebrating the holiday in a fitting manner. As I've mentioned previously, I was in the military, which means I tend to get a little soft and mushy on holidays like this. I never came close to seeing any kind of combat, and compared to those who did and continue to do so, I consider myself a veteran like Count Chocula is a vampire. Of course, that's a perspective provided by time past. I didn't feel that way when I was active duty. It was the '80s and everybody thought we were just two pushed buttons from blowing up the entire planet. We really didn't know that much about the perceived enemy or their leader but the prevalent feeling was that ours was kinda itching to push his button. As a result, we certainly felt that we were in a state of clear and present danger.
I was stationed in Frankfurt, Germany, and some friends and I had discovered the hockey arena where the local team played their home games. They provided free tickets to military personnel and going to those games became a frequent leisure activity. One night, we found out the team had scheduled an exhibition game against the Soviet Union national team. This was only five years after the Miracle On Ice and the Soviets were still probably the most formidable team in any sport in the world. As soldiers, we were wary of the Soviet Union since they were our adversaries in an undeclared war but as hockey fans, we were very excited for the opportunity to see them in action. They came out in those red uniforms with CCCP across the chest and completely dominated the boys from Frankfurt, just like we thought they would. A good time was had by all and we went back to our barracks. There we were met by our platoon sergeant, first sergeant, company commander and two unsmiling men in suits. Uh-oh.
We were called into the office and questioned about the evening's activities. Apparently the men in suits had been watching us the whole time. I got nervous and tried to remember if I had done anything that could have been considered inappropriate or even unpatriotic. I'm sure I rooted for the home team but it's entirely possible that I applauded the Soviets once or twice because they were Just. That. Good. What would happen to me? Dishonorable discharge? Court martial?? Leavenworth?!? Oh please, we were just watching a hockey game, for Pete's sake. Ask us some questions and let us go to bed.
Any hope of that happening disappeared after the first question posed by the suits: "why were you at that game?" and one of my companions replied "because the Russians are awesome!" Double uh-oh.
We then, as a group and as individuals had to...repeatedly...explain that their puck movement, back checking and scoring prowess was what we considered awesome, not any kind of socio-political philosophies. We didn't get to bed until after three in the morning and I'm pretty sure the men in suits monitored our after-hours activities for a while after that, although we never went to another hockey game.

So anyway, Happy Memorial Day! Take a moment to give thanks to those who sacrificed so we could go to hockey games and not be interrogated.

Andy Sonnanstine

The best hitting pitcher in baseball!!

So we have to say good-bye for the summer...

As far as television (and the thermometer here in Florida) is concerned, it is summer time already. That means it's time to say farewell to my tv friends until we meet again in the fall (or later). Luckily, Walt and Jesse are still here (for the time being), Mike and Sam will be back soon and my favorite tv pals of all will return later. But I'm still a little sad because I'll miss the people below.

JACK
Once again, you've earned some rest. You have some serious health issues to resolve but you should be fine. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to extend the hospital stay; it's hard to get DUIs, head-butt fashion designers and engage in general assholery while you're in a coma. Although, if anyone could pull that off, it'd be you.









BIG BANGERS
You guys work best as a group. So while I won't miss any of you as individuals, your absence creates a void that makes me not even want to eat Chinese food on Monday night.
Okay, I will miss Sheldon just a little more than the rest of you.

JOHN
You're apparently dead so I don't know why I'm talking to you. Unless you aren't, and really, who even knows?

JAMES/SAWYER/LaFLEUR
Okay, whatever you're calling yourself, you've proven that you're a good guy. But your girlfriend Juliette? Brutal. I'm sorry but you need to know. She's really annoying. I've never liked her. And frankly, after the whole, "Let's leave...no, let's go back and stop Jack...no, let's help him" shuffle, the fact that she's buried under a ton of scrap metal at the bottom of a pit, banging on a hydrogen bomb with a rock feels kind of right.






HUGO
You're the only person on the island who has actually been committed to an asylum, yet as far as I can tell, you're the only sane one there. That's perfect. While you're retroactively pre-writing George Lucas scripts, can you re-work "Return of the Jedi" sans Ewoks please?











JACK (different one)
Enjoy the summer Jack. Maybe you should give your daughter a call. Well...maybe not.

PS: There seems to be a lot of people on tv named Jack, yet the only ones I know in real life are animals. Why is that?








LIZ
Time for you to go back to the governor's igloo and take care of business there for a while. I know it's just Alaska but those moose aren't going to shoot themselves.










TRACY
You can use the free time to finally start working on the long awaited sequels to "Who Dat Ninja" and "Honky Grandma Be Trippin'"!










MICHEAL
The best and worst boss I never had. You may actually be dumber than Homer Simpson but you're a good person down deep. Here's hoping Summer is kind to you. And yes, that is what she said (her name is Summer).












DWIGHT
Oh Dwight, I think I'll miss you most of all. Sure, you're an irredeemably obnoxious prick but you're my kind of irredeemably obnoxious prick. That's also what she said.

It's a dog-walk-dog world

As we continue to hurtle towards wherever it is we're going to eventually wind up, things are changing rapidly. The world around us and the way we operate within it doesn't look like it did even two years ago. As Louis CK, suggests in this oft circulated clip, maybe that's not such a bad thing. Many businesses that might have once wanted to rule the world are appreciating and protecting what niches they might already have. Where we as consumers benefit from that is an elevated level of customer service that simply doesn't exist in the Wal-Mart, McDonald's universe.

I have two friends who have started a business recently who are operating under that principle right from the very start. Anna DeCaria and Dené Williamson are the owners and operators of Healthy Paws, a pet care service here in Tampa. They have no intention of conquering the dog walking world, choosing instead to limit their services to customers in the downtown Tampa, Harbour Island, Davis Island, Ybor City and Channelside districts. This allows them to provide personalized service to a manageable number of genuinely happy clients rather than doing a merely adequate job for a whole bunch of people who may or may not be merely satisfied.

Sure, it's tough times out there. But if we as consumers can reap the benefit of merchants providing better goods and service at the expense of convenience, maybe we're coming out ahead.

Healthy Paws can be reached by sending an email to info@healthypawstampa.com, calling (813) 340-3363 or (813) 382-2662 or by visiting their web site.

Nos es forsit iustus iens essum is

"The thing is, if it's only twenty-five cents, we're probably just gonna eat it."

And so it was, on the however-many-millionth day this was, Some Guy in Houston accidentally, yet thoroughly and concisely, did summarize what passes for post-modern spirituality.

The St. Pete Times loves me!

Look everybody! I had an entry published in the St. Pete Times wildly popular "Stuck In The '80s" blog!

This is the coolest thing relating to the '80s to happen to me since the Musicology Tour and until women go back to wearing big hair and lace gloves.