Sunday, April 20, 2008

Relay Wrap-Up

The 6th Annual Temple Terrace Relay For Life is now history. What an experience! We had a blast, doing some good work, staying up all night long and engaging in fierce (but friendly) combat with our loyal opposition, Team Go Go ( the team that got kinda upset because I sorta poked fun at them but then chilled out when they realized that I was poking more fun at myself).

I'd like to take you through some of the highlights from the event now, as best as I possibly can.

FRIDAY, 6:00PM - Opening ceremonies. Well, the official opening ceremonies for most of the participants. Certain members of our team, including myself, were drafted by the logistics committee to help out and we were actually laying out the parking lot the night before. I took this opportunity to write "DADDY-O RULES" in six foot letters with the chalk machine, just in case anybody from Team Go Go happened to be flying by in an airplane. Ha ha! take that, Team Go Go! We also were on site early Friday, helping set up tents and lugging chairs, tables and ice chests around. So I was a little worried when I felt like I needed a nap before the invocation was even finished.

6:30PM - Captains lap, to spotlight the hard work done by the leaders of the teams. I was more than a little nervous as we approached Team Go Go's campsite. I anticipated water balloons or small arms fire or something in between so I had brought a peace offering; a customized bowling pin that members of our team had prepared for them. I presented it humbly and graciously with the hope that this token would breed harmony between our tribes. I was told "Yeah, we got something for you too and we'll give it to you later." Uh-oh (that's what the pros call 'foreshadowing').

From 7:00PM on - Lots of walking. Not so much by me. I told my team I was saving myself for the wee hours so they could sleep like babies while I selflessly carried the burden for them. Of course, I was lying but I knew they'd be asleep and wouldn't know any better. The best lies are always those with the fewest witnesses.
Also during this time, we sold bottled water, fruit and baked goods. Everybody at Relay sets up an on-site fundraiser and people from all the teams spend the time patronizing each other's campsites. Our on-site fundraiser was supposed to have been a really cool vintage shuffle bowl machine. Unfortunately, the company who was supposed to provide this machine for us (NOT the company in the link!) wasn't able to fulfill their commitment, which I didn't find out about until Wednesday, about 48 hours before the event (and I had to call them to find out at all). I really can't say much more about that without potentially making myself vulnerable to a lawsuit for libel so I can't mention this company by name or why I believe they are communists who traffic in bootleg baby aspirin from Mexico. Anyway, a couple people on the team stepped up with some outstanding homemade cookies and cupcakes that sold like cupcakes and cookies, so we recovered nicely.

Saturday, 2:00AM - The Beauty Contest. Ah yes. The Beauty Contest. Not some ordinary, average, run-of-the-mill beauty contest, but a very special beauty contest, where men dress up as women. I was chosen by my team to represent us in this competition, a decision for which I complimented them on their impeccable taste. The only caveat I insisted on was no high heel shoes, only because I don't need to break my ankles trying to walk around in some kind of medieval torture devices just to make my booty stick out real nice. Other than that, I told them to go nuts (my exact words). This would turn out to be the only instruction I gave that they actually followed...
I know. Hot, right? Yeah, I know. Anyway, I worked that thing, honey. Whatever that means. Team Go Go's representative was knocked out in the first round, but they all stuck around and cheered for me. Because of the support I had from two teams, I made it all the way into the finals, eventually finishing second. I lost to some high school teacher (skinny little bitch) who had his entire school there, screaming for him like it was a Justin Timberlake concert. I don't even think they took the time to notice how my booty stuck out real nice without the benefit of some stupid shoes. Oh well.

Some time around 3:00AM or maybe 4;00AM - Nighty-night time. Everybody on the team crashed except for four of us. We stayed up talking and learning about each other. Because let me tell you, I don't care how well you think you know someone. Until you've stayed up literally around the clock with them without the benefit of intoxicants, I guarantee you will find out something new. This is an edited (for brevity) but actual conversation that took place:
"If it were in style to wear meat in your hair, what kind of meat would you choose and why?"
"I'd go with a nice filet mignon"
"How the hell would you wear a filet mignon in your hair?"
"With braids!"
"How would that work? That wouldn't work"
"What about you? You'd pick bacon, obviously"
"No, I wouldn't. But I want to hear how she would wear a filet with braids"
"You love bacon!"
"I would cut a hole in the filet, run the braid through the middle of it and tie it off at the end. See?"
"(angrily) I don't even know why you're acting like you wouldn't pick bacon. You know you would."
"For your information, Miss Know-It-All, I would pick lil' smokies and I'd wear them as little greasy beads like Bo Derek!"
"Hey, what kind of cheese would you wear in your hair?"
"Well, now you're just being silly."
(I said I'd go with shaved ham, tiled across my head like shingles on a roof...for whatever that's worth. At any rate, I don't know what's more disturbing, the fact that we had this conversation at all or that I remember it as vividly as I do.)

6:00AM - Wake-up call. Not necessary for me, i stayed up the entire team. A couple of people on our team hung in for the most part but I was the only one who never nodded off even once. Yay me.

8:45AM - Team Go Go finally comes calling. Dressed as a team of synchronized swimmers, they were going around the track with a choreographed routine, with a song and dance steps and everything. They stopped right in front of our campsite and gave a special performance just for us, concluding with showing us their underwear (worn on the outside of their costumes) with "CAPTAIN" written on it and presenting me with a bag of Swirly brand gummi bears, all references to the original post on this blog. Nice. All I could do was applaud as I watched in admiration, the way a general might review the precision of drill exercises performed by the troops of another general's army.

11:00AM - Closing ceremony and presentation of awards. By this time, we pretty much realized that Team Go Go, who raised an incredible $13,000.00 were going to sweep the awards once again as they do every year. But we had been tipped off that we'd won the Best Banner Award (which looked just like the logo you see above) and we were pretty happy about that. Plus, we had raised about $3800.00 of the overall $145,000.00 netted from the event, 6th highest total out of 51 participating teams. Not too shabby for rookies, I thought, and sat back to enjoy the cool of the morning. However, just before presenting the Spirit Award, the one that I had really hoped to win, one of the committee members announced that they had changed the award process and that there would now be two divisions, one for established teams (like Team Go Go) and one for newcomers (us!). This was the equivalent of the Academy Award for Best Picture being separated into drama and comedy divisions, meaning that a well-made, important, meaningful film like "Schindler's List" could win the Oscar it deserves while your big screen adaptation of "Laverne & Shirley" starring Steve Guttenberg still has a chance of winning something too. "Holy crap", I thought, "we're gonna win this!" At that moment, I knew exactly how Charlie Brown feels every time he goes to kick that football because unfortunately, it was not to be. We finished second in the newbie category behind Armwood High School, the school whose teacher beat me in the beauty contest. So now I guess instead of hating Team Go Go, I have to start hating a bunch of meddling high school kids. Which I can live with, since I already hate high school kids. And like Charlie Brown, I'll be back to lead Team Daddy-O Alley Katz in an attempt to kick the football again next year.
Although, I do want to try some sort of choreographed routine for Team Go-Go. Hmm, I wonder what the FAMU Marching 100 are doing next April...


The Mad Swimmer said...

Hi Clark!!

I will treasure our bowling pin forever...and I will never, ever forget the look on your face when we "swam" our way around the track
and "saluted" Team helps that I actually have photos of the moment (and video!!)

Personally...I think I'd wear "slim jim's" braided into my hair...but standing up like Alfalfa from the Lil' Rascals...(was that alfalfa???)

Anyhow...I'm definitely going with Slim Jims..."snap into a slim jim baby!"

And you soooo shoulda won that beauty contest...the coach guy was CREEPY!!! You were mahvelous!!!

It was great meeting you! Can't wait to see you again!

Relay Rocks!
So does Team Daddy-O AND Team Go Go!

Melodye said...


I've got to say - as a member of Team GoGo - it was nice to have some "new" motivation this year - YOU and your TEAM!!!

And - might I add - that YOU GUYS ROCK!!!!!

The STANDING OVATIONS that we gave you in the awards ceremony (hey - second place is a place - right? Just like I say I am "in shape" - because "round" is a "shape" - right?_ - anyway - the STANDING OVATIONS were heartfelt - and meant with true GRATITUDE in the Spirit of Relay for Life!!!

This is always an emotional event - and - sometimes (most of the time) we need a little good-humored competition to lighten the load.

And - YOU and YOUR TEAM have been a breath of fresh air!

We look forward to seeing you again next year - and, yes - competing (good-naturedly) with you - for "top team"

The more we compete - the more $$ we raise - and the closer and CLOSER we get to KICKING CANCER'S ASS!!!!

(Oh - as the resident, um hummm, person on my Team who had to "leave the premesis" occassionally for some 'reason' - YES - I saw your Chalk Words in the end zone - and YES - I made a point of pointing it out to as many team members as I could!)

MY HAT IS OFF TO YOU, Clark - and TO YOUR TEAM - Team Daddy'O - I hope to see you again next year - and - I hope we kick your ass again!!!

And - if you get close to KICKING OUR ASS - well - I hope you let us know - so you can MOTIVATE us again!!!

Thank you!!

And - we will see your gorgeous, hot, sexy transvestite self again next year!!!!

Yay Gummi Worms!!!

Go Team Daddy'O), er, I mean, Team GoGo!!!

You are a Breath of Fresh Air! As is your Team!!


LC said...

Clark as a woman > Miss America

Why, it's Clark! said...

Aw, believe me, I felt the love up there. Had I not been swept up in the moment, as any girl would be, I'd have acknowledged you even more than I did. As silly as it was, that was really a nice moment for me. But then, I've always been a big fan of silliness, especially when using it as a weapon against bullies (like cancer). Push me around enough, I'll get pissed off, put on a dress and make people laugh. Up yours, cancer.
Anyway, I hope we're seated at the same table at the wrap-up dinner on the 6th. That would be a riot!

kelley said...

Sorry I didn't come through with the "favor"...remind me next year and I'll work on it again.

AlexOnTheEdge said...

OMG! U are so pretty! I'm sorry I under estimated your feminity. No way am I going to sign the anullment papers now!

AlexOnTheEdge said...

femininity I mean.