This week's Clarketplace item

Here is this week's item:

Custom personal portraits - $10 (Tampa)

Reply to: mailto:sale-9kmqa-1118799135@craigslist.org?subject=Custom%20personal%20portraits%20-%20$10%20(Tampa) [Errors when replying to ads?]Date: 2009-04-12, 12:26PM EDT
Looking for a unique gift? I am amazing talented artist and I will make portrait for you, anybody you choose. Person, cat, dog. No matter. Graduations and weddings coming soon, so have you an appropriate present for such ocassions? No!!!!! So instead you give a gift that is unique and created by amazing talented artist. I work in computer media so very techno savvy and futuristic look and feel to my art (if you like The Matrix, you will enjoy). I don't need to see the subject, merely send me photograph and I will work from that, making subject look even better than in real life (very nice for elderly persons whose beauty has escaped with youth). Sample is here for you to know. Take advantage now as I expect to be very, very busy as result of this ad which could be too bad for you. Cash, checks, money orders all ok. FREE DELIVERY!
Location: Tampa
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

LAST WEEK'S ITEM: Unique web site domains

No responses. I wonder if the bay area is home to a lot of former pets.com shareholders.

A Good Friday shopping trip to Wal-Mart!

If you're looking for a standard "Huh. Wal-Mart. So Lame. Ha ha!" screed, you won't find it here. I shop at Wal-Mart frequently because they have a lot of stuff I want all in one place and I save some serious money in the process, and I don't apologize for it. Yes, I know they sell guns and they censor things and smaller merchants who sell more high quality goods can't compete with them and they probably do all kinds of other things that wouldn't make me happy, but times are tough and I need to save every penny I can. Plus, I once saw the owner of an independent book store where I used to shop kick his dog (true story). So there's that.

Anyway, I had to go shopping today (Good Friday), in no small part because I went to change the cat litter this morning and discovered I was out of new, clean litter...only after having dumped the old, dirty stuff, and found the visit to be unusually spiritual in nature. So in the spirit of holiday sharing, I thought I would share what I found with you...

I don't find the idea that God might communicate via written correspondence on a bumper sticker to be all that outlandish. Someone who once conveyed information via smoldering topiary might choose to upgrade to a not-quite-modern-but-still-proven-to-be-reliable format while waiting to see if Twitter is more than a passing fad. What instills doubt is the passive aggressive tone of the reply. Someone who floods an entire planet to make a point probably doesn't write like a pissy little 17-year-old who wasn't invited to the prom.

Sorry, dudes. Looks like we'll have to find another place for the Annual Easter Egg Hunt and Kegger (find an egg, drink a beer...)

I saw this Easter basket on top of a nearby Coke machine while I was waiting in line to check out. The line was long and slow moving so in my head, I played the Word Game shown here to help pass the time. However, the last word stumped me and I had to look at the answer key to figure it out. Yes, I am being serious. I was then allowed to operate a motor vehicle and drive home without a guardian or emergency vehicle escort on all four sides of me. Yes, I am being serious about that as well.

What if The Rapture occurred and only one guy was taken...?

Hey, Happy Easter, Happy Passover, Happy Whatever It Is You're Celebrating Right Now to you, yours, y'alls and everybody who I might have neglected to mention!

Thought for the what now?

This is a message I found posted near a time clock:

What the...?

As I've mentioned before, I still (perhaps foolishly) believe words should mean something. I'm not talking about "meaning" as in profundity, I'm talking about " meaning" as in forming some kind of coherent damn thought. Nonsensery (you like that one, Rupe?) like this just really pills my sweater. If the poorly expressed sentiment here means anything at all, it's "If you were any good at your job, that would be enough and you wouldn't need to bitch about your paycheck", which is, at best, highly insulting. Also, the unwritten subtext postscript would read "So stop bitching about your paycheck, bitches. Punch in already and get to work or punch out and go home, but either way, stop standing around reading stuff on company time. Bitches.", which is redundant, and also not very nice.

There are lots of things I'm really, really good at that I don't enjoy at all!

Okay, that isn't true. But only because I'm not good at anything. If I were, I assure you I would not enjoy it.

Isn't it a little odd that many of the people to whom this statement might most likely apply, the kind of people who could conceivably experience real joy in the performance of their endeavors (such as heart surgeons, professional athletes, entertainers), are people who wouldn't know what a time clock is if they ran over one with their Escalade?

BONUS RANT: Why are the devices used to document how much time employees spend at work called "time clocks"? What other kind of clock is there? I don't eat my dinner off a food plate. My computer doesn't have a typing keyboard. Things like this make me wish someone would shoot me with a bullet gun.

Now, what's it gonna take to get you into this beauty?

Everything you need to know about the fundamental philosophical principles of human nature, as provided by used car dealers:

You're welcome.

I think I am a trouble magnet

Weird stuff, stuff that requires police involvement, happens around me a lot and I don't know why. I don't run with a shady crowd. I live in a pretty nice neighborhood. I don't frequent places normally associated with criminal activity. I don't engage in any illegal habits. Yet I find myself frequently involved in odd circumstances. I don't think I have a hero complex. Generally, heroes have a much lower laziness quotient than I do. I certainly don't seek these situations out. I don't even know where I would go if I wanted to do that, although 'places I normally go when I'm just out and about trying to mind my own business' would seem to be a pretty good start.
I've already shared this story. Now let me tell you about the last week or so.

• Last Friday night, around 9:00 or so, I was on my way home. I passed a bus stop on Hillsborough Avenue where I saw a woman sitting on the bench and a man standing over her, leaning down just inches from her face, obviously screaming at her and flailing his arms. I did a u-turn, parked and walked over to see what was going on. Sometimes having a physical presence that implies the ability to do bodily harm combined with just a touch of demeanor that suggests bodily harm is not only possible but likely, and a loud speaking voice, is a blessing because he took off. The woman, who didn't know the man, was petrified. She was just minding her business, waiting for a bus to go home, when he came up out of nowhere threatening to beat her up without even offering a reason. She just sat still, hoping he'd go away but didn't know if that would work. I called the police who took a description and said they would patrol the neighborhood, but since he was gone, wouldn't dispatch a car to the location. I hung up and waited there with her until the bus came.
• Yesterday morning, I was at work. We have a business center for guests with a couple of computers. A guy came up to me, agitated, saying he couldn't get his document to print. More than agitated, he seemed on the verge of being seriously upset, which raised a flag. We have two computers and only one printer and almost every time someone has trouble printing, it's simply a matter of the cable not being plugged into that computer. I took the cable and went to plug it in but happened to glance at the screen before doing so and saw a text document containing clearly pornographic content. He minimized it right away and mumbled something about it being an essay for a college application. I intentionally plugged the cable into the wrong port (so it wouldn't print) and asked him to bring the document back up and try printing again. He did so, and of course it failed, and he minimized it again very quickly but not before I was able to verify that it was definitely porn. I said, "that's weird, let me go get my manager and see if he knows what's wrong". He got spooked and left. Upon looking closer at the document before deleting it, we found out it was extremely graphic child porn. Called the cops, who were extremely interested, but I don't know if they caught him or not. I feel terrible about it because if I had known exactly what it was while he was there, there's no question he could have been detained until they arrived. Instead, he may or be out there and doing more than downloading twisted stories. This will cause me considerable lost sleep.
• Last night, I went to the Lightning game and was walking back to my car afterwards. It was quite a while after the game had ended so there wasn't a crowd around. I was walking north on Jefferson Street and there was a young woman walking the same direction on the opposite side. Suddenly a guy comes running up from behind which immediately sets me on edge (a quick aside to people who run at night for fitness: nobody enjoys that except you. For the rest of us, adults running at night mostly signifies some kind of unhealthy activity taking place.). He runs up to her and they start yelling at each other about something that happened at the bar they just left. So now I'm stopping, keeping an eye on what's going on in case I have to call 911 or something worse. She takes off walking and he stands there. Then he runs up to her again and they resume arguing. This happens a couple of times, except now they're going up the on ramp to the Selmon Expressway. I stay at the bottom and I watch him come down and walk away but she's still up there, presumably walking along an expressway at midnight. I call 911 and for the second time in about 12 hours I'm giving my name, date of birth and home address to a police officer.
  

If you believe in any kind of higher power even a little bit, when enough crazy things happen to or around you, at some point you have to look skyward and say "Why me?!?"

The U2 hot cocoa story

I worked the ticket on sale yesterday morning for the U2 concert that will be taking place at Raymond James Stadium in October. The ground that place stands on is home to a lot of emotional ghosts for me that get stirred up every time I walk on it, but the sense of nostalgia was heightened because I was there the last time U2 played a concert in Tampa's football stadium. Return with me now to those thrilling days of yesteryear for this 100% true story...

It was 1987 and the world was a very different place, just like it is now. Eddie Murphy was the king of Hollywood and Micheal Jackson was already a punchline, just not an R or X rated one yet. I myself was a mere boy at the time, obsessed with baseball, the music of Prince and his erstwhile associates and completely infatuated with pretty (and by "pretty", I mean "all") girls, I was a completely different individual than the man you know now (shaddup).

I was working in concessions at the old Tampa Stadium (since demolished), the stadium that ESPN's Chris Berman refers to as "The Big Sombrero". We didn't host that many concerts, but when we did, they were really big deals. At the time, U2 was touring in support of their album "The Joshua Tree" and there wasn't a bigger act in the world. The stadium held about 65,000 for a concert (74,000 for football) so it was a logical fit. The date was December 5th and the forecast called for chilly weather. Our manager had the idea to sell hot cocoa, an item we normally didn't serve, since it was usually very warm at Buccaneers games and other events. We had ordered several cases of powdered mix, added hot water and poured it into giant insulated servers in the stadium warehouse. As the servers were being loaded on to trucks for distribution into the concession stands shortly before the gates opened, one of the women who worked in the office came out and said she wanted some. She poured herself a cup, took one sip and immediately spit it out. That's when we realized we had been sent baking chocolate, extremely bitter, nasty stuff when not used correctly (such as adding hot water and drinking it), by mistake. The manager was not the kind of guy who was easily deterred by setbacks like that, so he stuffed a wad of cash in my hand, told me to take one of the trucks and go to the nearby Pace (a warehouse club, that has since merged with Sam's) to buy all the hot cocoa mix I could get my hands on...just make sure it's the right stuff.

I was tearing through that place like a madman, grabbing every canister they had. The gates were going to be opening within minutes and I had to hurry back. My purchase filled the entire bed of that truck.

Tampa Stadium only had four access gates for patrons and by the time I got back, they were all jam-packed with people waiting to get in. Solid walls of people between me and where I needed to be. Here's a picture that kind of illustrates the situation:

Remember, we were expecting over 60,000 fans. That's an average of 15,000 at each gate, most of whom were there, ready to go in as soon as the gates opened. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to drive through that by myself. I saw two guys wandering around with two fingers in the air, the universal concert symbol for "we need two tickets". I called them over and said, "I can't get you tickets for seats, but I can definitely get you inside the stadium...if you can just help me navigate through this crowd. Deal?" They agreed and jumped in the back of the truck, waving their arms and yelling as we inched (and I mean inched) our way through a crowd of cold, and now angry (because some asshole was actually trying to drive a friggin' truck through them), U2 fans. The truck was kicked and hit and jostled but we eventually got through. And then went through the exact same routine at the next gate we had to get past.

We finally pulled into the service entry and I got out and saw that at least a quarter of what I had bought was missing. Before I could say, "What the...", one of the guys who had helped me said, "Dude, we had to buy some people off or they would have flipped you over." All things considered, I appreciated their judgment and bartering ability. My manager wasn't mad either, fully comprehending the situation and pleased that I'd gotten back in time to salvage the great hot cocoa project. But for the rest of the night, we were all treated to the sight of fans walking around the concourse carrying their own free canisters of hot cocoa mix.

Here's a clip from that very show...

Tampa Theatre ALSO loves me!

Geez, what have I been doing right lately?

Sunset Cinema

Play Ball!

In celebration of my favorite holiday, Major League Baseball Opening Day, here's a special encore presentation from the archives (aka a rerun). Go Rays!!


BASEBALL IS NOT EXACTLY ROCKET SCIENCE


** A short biography of DR. ROBERT H. GODDARD **


1882; Born in Worcestor, MA.

1889; Pops up 3-0 pitch with bases loaded, two out in 9th inning of Worcester "Li'l Shavers League" championship game. Coach refuses to buy him a chocolate phosphate afterwards.

1888-1898; Attends school in Boston.

1911; Boston Red Stockings scout Leland 'Fuzzy' Suggs files this scouting report: "R.Goddard: high school boy, weak hitter, poor range & mobility, throwing arm is suspect, makes poor tactical decisions, does not seem to have a grasp on the fundamentals of playing the game. Marginal prospect at best. Knows all about rockets though. I don't. What the hell is a rocket? No such thing exists!"

1912; Becomes first to explore mathematically the practicality of using rocket power to reach high altitudes & escape velocity.

1913; Released by Class C Hopkinsville (KY) Tobacco Stretchers for repeatedly failing to hit the cut off man.

1914; Awarded first two patents for rocket apparatus: U.S.Letters Patent #1,102,653 liquid-fuel gun rocket; U.S. Letters Patent #1, 103,503 a multistage step rocket. Named manager of Class D Clinton (IA) Rail Splitters. Starts #1 pitcher Doyle "Big Mucelage" Lortigan on only three days rest against last place team. Lortigan injures shoulder, resulting in amputation by pre-Tommy John surgeons. Clinton loses pennant by 1/2 game. Goddard is fired. Lortigan dies broke and alone.

1915; Becomes first to prove experimentally that a rocket will provide thrust in a vacuum. Hired to manage Class E Mud Lake (MD) Girth Carriers. Franchise finishes last for the first time in 27 years, moves out of town. World's Fair committee decides that without baseball, event should be held in San Francisco instead of Mud Lake. Goddard is tarred, feathered and dragged out of town behind a team of oxen. Entire town of Mud Lake later contracts Polio and burns down (seperate incidents).

1917-1945: Develops the basis for the rocket weapon, later known as the bazooka. Publishes first U.S. basic mathematical theory underlying rocket propulsion & rocket flight. Develops first rocket motor using liquid propellants. Tests first rocket containing instruments. Develops first gyro stabilization apparatus for rockets. Becomes first to use deflector vanes in the blast of the rocket motor as a method of stabilizing & guiding rockets. Launches first liquid-propellant rocket which attained a speed greater than that of sound. Serves as director of scouting for Chicago Cubs, where he files the following report, "Perhaps one day a negro will play professional major league baseball, but I am quite certain it will not be this Jack Robinson fellow. He has no discernible athletic ability nor the strength of character to endure such an undertaking."

1945: Dies.

1945-present day: Chicago Cubs suck.

Julia G loves me!

Here's a nice shout-out from Tampa's queen of social media and the mastermind behind Brand Tampa, Julia Gorzka...

This week's Clarketplace item

Here is this week's item*:
Unique web site domains - $10 (Tampa)

Reply to: sale-zqtcx-1108795613@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]Date: 2009-04-05, 9:09PM EDT
Looking for a way out of this current economic mess? I have it for you: The Internet. While there are no sure things in life, this is one of them. Get yourself a web site, make yourself a fortune. Boom! It's just that easy. People have been doing it since the '90s. Isn't it your turn? Sure it is! Your problem is, all the good web site names are taken...or are they? I will think of a great name for your web site, sure to make a dynamic impression that will bring all kinds of money-spending customers to your door, for the low, low price of ONLY $10!! Check it out: www.iwishiwasmentallyill.com www.cancerisawesome.com www.leathompsonamericasgreatestactor.com KA-POW! Those are just off the top of my head, people! Just imagine what I could come up with if I actually thought about what I was doing! Jump on this gravy boat now, because it's leaving the dock and you don't want to be left behind! Cash, checks, money orders all ok. FREE DELIVERY!
Location: Tampa

(* Thanks, K)

LAST WEEK'S ITEM: A couple of shaving can caps
No responses. Apparently, people in Tampa Bay hate shaving, learning about safety and bargains.

Houston, we have a baby

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have discovered trace amounts of perchlorate, a chemical used to manufacture rocket fuel in samples of powdered baby formula.
This announcement raises a couple of extremely important questions:

Which companies are in the baby food and rocket fuel biz?

Just how close are we to the development of a fully functional squadron of RPTs (Rocket Propelled Toddlers)? Because when the skies are filled with screeching crumb snatchers in Nomex onesies, America's air superiority will never be called into question again.

This cup is poppin'

The item pictured here is what ice water is served in (gratis, compliments of the house, thank you) at Tres Amici @ the Bunker in Ybor. As you can plainly see, it says "CORNCUP". If you can read backwards, it also plainly says "MADE FROM CORN" (if you can't read backwards, trust me: it does). Not to be confused with "Corn in a Cup", the Corncup is biodegradable and 100% compostable. With the same look and feel as clear plastic cups, Corncups will completely compost under commercial composting conditions in just 45-60 days.

Here's the thing though...

Nowhere does it say that these cups would taste good heated, with butter and salt. But nowhere does it say they wouldn't.

Plus, I'm hungry.

Plus, I'm completely out of groceries. Well, aside from that can of baked beans in my pantry that I will never, ever eat because that's a whole lot of baked beans, and that I will never, ever throw away because they're perfectly good beans...

Relax, I'm not saying I'm going to eat the Corncup for dinner.

I'm just saying I might.

That 1 Guy

Last night, taking a break from girls with guitars and drag queens, I went out to another of my favorite venues, Skipper's Smokehouse, to check out the indescribable and amazing That 1 Guy. Indescribable because somebody who plays "The Magic Pipe" (an electric, stringed percussion instrument made out of pipes), saws and cowboy boots to perform songs with titles like "Buttmachine", "Weasel Potpie" and "It's Raining Meat" is kind of immune to labelling. Amazing because he puts it all together, along with some comedy and slight of hand magic tricks, into a thoroughly entertaining spectacle. I saw him last year and there was a much bigger crowd there this time, but I honestly don't know how he is not a much bigger star. Don't get me wrong; I'm thrilled that he was at Skipper's. I'm just surprised he's not playing theatres and performing arts centers.
Check out the video below to see him in action and absolutely do not miss the opportunity to see him in person if he comes to your town.

Welcome to L'Olivier!

L'Olivier Restaurant and Cabaret is one of Ybor City's...and Tampa Bay's newest and most unique nightspots. Seriously, outside of Disney or Chuck E. Cheese, where can you find a place that offers dinner and a show anymore? Not to mention a full bar and a dessert menu.

As guests of owner Mike Edmondson and general manager Ricky Ali, I went last Thursday night and brought two companions. We didn't eat dinner there, which was probably a huge mistake because if the desserts are any indication, I'm guessing it would have been fantastic. The service was great too. Our waitress was absolutely charming. I attempted to appear cool and continental by ordering off the menu using what little I've retained from a wasted semester of French in high school, buttressed by the handful of phrases I've picked up from pop songs like "Michelle" and "Psycho Killer" and somehow managed not to offend anyone or order myself a shoe with cheese on it. Success!

You should know that most of the items on the menu are not cheap. But the quality is excellent and as I mentioned before, there's a show. Featuring singing, comedy, pyrotechnics and lots and lots of dancing, it's like a miniature Moulin Rouge right in the heart of Ybor. The cast features Amy and Dex Quijano, Ashely Clark, Megan Morgan, Derek Ostrem and Lamount Davis of Dorene Collier's Event Show Productions and L'Olivier Dancers Ana Jackson, Dani Leporino, Lynette Gryniak and Cleo Young. Most of those girls spent a lot of time flirting with me, which was nice. The time they spent flirting with the other dudes that were there was not nearly as entertaining to me, but what are you gonna do?

Believe it or not, I swear I do not have a "thing" for female impersonators. Drag queens are NOT the reason I went there that night. Ok, sure, maybe they're the reason I stayed for the second show but I just want to defend myself by saying that laying eyes for the first time on Amy DeMilo, well, it's very easy for a poor boy who grew up reading comic books that featured the likes of Wonder Woman, Sheena: Queen of the Jungle, Catwoman, etc. to become...confused. I'm just saying.
The second show also featured performances by Beverly Wilde, Natasha Richards and Felicity Lane.

Both shows were sexy but not lewd. Risque would be a good description. One of my companions is planning on going back this weekend and bringing her parents and I think that's a pretty safe proposition.

So if you're looking for a complete evening out in one place, or if you just believe there's nothing new, good or different to see in Ybor, you owe it to yourself to check this place out.

This week's Clarketplace item

Here is this week's item:
A couple of shaving can caps - $10 (Tampa)


Reply to: sale-y4cdr-1098330762@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]Date: 2009-03-29, 10:06PM EDT

Here are a couple of caps from now-all-used-up cans of shaving cream. One is menthol (green) the other is regular flavor (red). These would be ideal if you and/or your child are making a display presentation about traffic lights for safety class and wanted to add a 3D kick to it! All you have to do is go out and find a yellow one (I don't even know what kind of shaving cream that would be...lemon or banana, I guess...or even if they make that kind). Could mean the difference between a B+ and an A-, which could mean the difference between USF and Princeton later in life. You never know! Or you could use them for the purpose that God intended in the first place: to safely cover the exposed tops of shaving cream cans from something heavy falling on them inadvertently from above, squirting shaving cream all over the place and creating a hazard in your bathroom, which is where most household accidents take place (except maybe the kitchen). In case you lost yours or already used them for a safety class project. Cash, checks, money orders all ok. FREE DELIVERY!


LAST WEEK'S ITEM: Amazing baseball card!
No responses. I guess too many investors went belly up in the great baseball card market crash that time their moms cleaned out the garage.

Relay wrap-up, 2009

The 2009 Temple Terrace Relay For Life is history (sort of; more on that below) and we helped raise over $130,000 to fight cancer. Thank you to everyone who contributed!

Sorry, I know I promised a detailed event summary, but no new ground was covered. At least anything with entertainment value. We celebrated, we remembered and we fought back...which is all that matters.

Now, here's good news for those of you wanted to contribute but never got around to it (or bad news for those who thought I'd shut up about it): the books aren't closing on the event until July. So you can still make your secure online donations right here. There's also a semi-permanent link posted in the sidebar over there on the right that will remain on this site until the books are finally closed out this summer (hint: Tax return!).

Thanks again!!

A short conversation at the bat home office

"Sit down, Carl. What do you have for us? How was Washington?"

"Well sir, I have bad news..."

"Hit me."

"I couldn't get them to cease and desist with the constant association of us and vampires. I tried telling them it was a degrading stereotype and very hurtful to us. Apparently it's ingrained into the culture at this point and they just wouldn't budge."

"That's disappointing, Carl. A real downer."

"The trip wasn't a total loss, sir."

"Oh?"

"I was able to get an exclusive designation for our poop."

"..."

"From now on, it will be known as 'guano'. This is something no other species can claim."

"So...nobody can say 'bat shit' anymore?"

"Only as a modifying adjective for the word 'insane'. That's a special codicil I had built into the agreement."

"You're a genius, Carl! Good work!"

"Thank you, sir."

"Let's go drink some blood!"

The final pitch

Okay folks, Relay starts on Friday night (well, probably around 4:00PM or so) but this is it; the big event is here!! This is the last desperate plea for contributions. A dollar, two dollars, anything and everything, whatever you feel like you can give. It's all appreciated. Here's the link where you can make your secure donation today (or tomorrow or the next day...no pressure).
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!

PS: No wireless access available in the middle of the Greco Middle School football field (go figure!) so no live blogging, but I'll be maintaining a sort of diary which I'll publish after the fact. Cool?

PPS: Have I even invited you to come out and visit? I haven't, have I! Where are my manners?!? By all means, come out to Greco Middle School in Temple Terrace (it's on Fowler, west of 56th street) and see us! There are actually lots of fun activities and plenty of great food to enjoy. Seriously, if it sucked, I wouldn't plug it. You should definitely come out if you can. I hope to see you there.

Where's a harpoon when you need one?

Today I found myself in a position where I had to interact on a professional level with someone wearing a pair of pants with little whales on them. This angered me a great deal, to the extent that I seriously considered not providing service...

HIM: Listen, I'd like to see a version of this where you break the info in the second and third paragraphs out as individual bullet points...

ME: I'm sorry...your pants. Are those...those are little whales, aren't they? Your pants are covered in little whales. What the...I can't work with you. Jesus, whales? Whales?? Are you kidding me?

I have nothing against whales. Or pants. Or even this guy, for that matter. There was something about the combination of those three things that set me on edge.

I think somebody could throw on a pair of whale pants fully aware of what a ridiculous garment it is and walk in saying, "Check it out, bitches! Pants with whales on them! What!!" and I'd be fine with that.

I'd also have no problem with the kind of people who are so un-self conscious that they're oblivious to how unintentionally ridiculous they can be. I love those people! I mean the kind of person who would say, "Huh? Whales on my pants? Oh yes, I guess there are. So what?".

I don't really know how to explain it, but I think this guy was trying to be both of those things while simultaneously trying to appear to be neither. For starters, the guy is one of those golfers. And by that, I don't mean he's someone who plays golf. There's nothing wrong with the game of golf or most people who play it. I'm talking about those guys who always look like they're ready for a game of golf to break out anywhere, any time. And the forced feigned nonchalance and complete lack of irony with which he wore the pants ("I'm going to wear these whale pants to a meeting today and I'm not going to say anything about it, and I don't expect anyone else to mention it either") was just such an exercise in being completely full of shit that it pissed me off, and sometimes I just can't handle people like that.

John Mellencamp reflects on the state of the music industry

I'm always interested when a musician shares their thoughts in regard to what's going on in their business, especially now that the old paradigms are obviously dying (or evolving, depending on whether you're the half empty or half full type). Here's what John Mellencamp had to say about it on The Huffington Post. For those who aren't inclined to read the whole thing, the gist is that he blames most of the industry's current problems on executives in charge during the late '80s and early '90s who were not only excessively greedy...

"In essence, the artists were no longer the primary concern; only keeping their stockholders fat and happy and "making the quarterly numbers" mattered; the music was an afterthought."

...but also lacked the vision to anticipate and take advantage of developing technology...

"Not understanding the possibilities, they ignorantly turned it into a nightmarish situation. The nightmare is the fact that they simply didn't know how to make it work for us."

He's definitely not a fan of the skewed ratings generated by Broadcast Data Systems (BDS) and SoundScan...

"Record companies soon discovered that because of BDS, they only needed to concentrate on about 12 radio stations; there was no longer a business rationale for working secondary markets that were soon forgotten -- despite the fact that these were the very places where rock and roll was born and thrived. Why pay attention to Louisville -- worth a comparatively few potential listeners -- when the same one spin in New York, Los Angeles or Atlanta, etc., was worth so many more potential listeners?"

He also resents and rejects the notion that artists should be expected to be more actively involved in the promotion of their music...

"These days, some people suggest that it is up to the artist to create avenues to sell the music of his own creation. In today's environment, is it realistic to expect someone to be a songwriter, recording artist, record company and the P.T. Barnum, so to speak, of his own career? Of course not."

To sum up...

"Had the industry not been decimated by a lack of vision caused by corporate bean counters obsessed with the bottom line, musicians would have been able to stick with creating music rather than trying to market it as well."

While I respect the fact that he obviously has a more informed perspective on this than I do, I'm not sure I agree with everything he says here.
He seems to want a system that is dedicated to artistic expression while simultaneously distributing product into as many ears as possible and insulating the artist from having to participate in mundane, non-creative chores. I don't think such a mechanism has ever existed, or even could. Certainly not without the artist's slice of pie shrinking, which is something I'll bet he doesn't want. Someone with whom I was discussing this suggested that "...Mellencamp is saying that art and business have to find a balance and coexist for the industry to prosper. When artists dominate, you have excess. When business dominates, you have vapid corporate pop that nobody wants. That 'sweet spot' middle ground seems to be missing." I'd say that it would be great if they could find that middle ground. We'd all benefit from it. But I think it would require both sides to behave in ways that run contrary to their nature, with the execs letting the artists make the artistic decisions (content, presentation and timing/frequency of releases) and the artists getting out there and being more accessible, available and visible. I just don't see that happening.
Mellencamp talks about the failure to recognize and react to developing technology as one of the industry's major failings. Well, I believe the artists that are embracing the new technologies, especially social media such as Facebook, MySpace, YouTube and Twitter, stand to benefit. The public is rapidly becoming accustomed to having increased access to and interactivity with artists. The days of putting out an album and saying "Here, now leave me alone and I'll see you again in 12 months" are over for anybody who expects to still be around in 13 months. Mellencamp suggests that it's unrealistic to expect the artist to wear so many hats, but I question that assertion. Every professional musician I've ever talked to says that you make more real money by generating your own music and selling it out of the trunk of your car yourself (so to speak) than you do with any record deal (not to mention the control you get to maintain over the ownership of your material, the value of which is hard to calculate). Lots of people are starting to use technology to do just that. The point being, there's more than just one way for an artist to "make it" now, and it's hard to see that as anything but positive. I'm not sure that would be possible if the music industry weren't in the shape it's in.
Personally, I'm kind of excited by the prospect of the old system being torn down, only because of what could potentially be re-built.