Guest Author: Ellen Mueller

"I don't know anything about art, but I know what I like" - Gelett Burgess

Me too, Gelett. And I like art that is playful, surprising and encourages interactivity, which is why my favorite artist is Ellen Mueller. I've had the pleasure and privilege of working under the direction of Ellen three times ("Complete With Illustrated Manual", "1st Annual Black & White Sustainability Mixer & Recognition Ceremony" and "The Waiting Room"), and each time, I had no idea where we were going but I knew it would be fun getting there. You can visit her web site at EllenMueller.com and her blog "Tracking An Artist". As far as I can tell, Ellen is travelling the world right now (I still have no idea where she's going). Some of her work will be on display at the Freyberger Gallery on the Penn State Berks campus in Reading, Pennsylvania from November 6th through December 15th. Also, this is another way she's spending her time these days...

So, what is an artist to do once they've left the confines of a school setting? How do they keep themselves motivated and pushing forward into new territory in the absence of assignments and homework? One answer: Postal Art Exchanges! These are small expressions (confined to the space of a postcard), that can help an artist push through a block or more deeply explore a theme. The attached images are ones I recently put together for an exchange. I recommend the practice. Email some artist friends, set a mailing deadline, and go!

A close call

Judge Holder: Not even slightly amused.

I'm breathing easier right now than I was this morning. 

A few weeks ago I received a very official looking envelope. Inside was an "ORDER TO SHOW CAUSE" which read 

"YOU ARE HEREBY ORDERED TO APPEAR before this Court to give any legal reason why this Court should not find you guilty of a violation of Florida Statute 40.23 and/or guilty of indirect criminal contempt for attempting to impair, hinder or obstruct the court in the administration of justice, or to lessen its authority or its dignity..."

Huh? Who, me?

It went on to say:

"...and as grounds therefore does allege the following:

1. Defendant (I'm a Defendant? I have to Defend myself?!?) was lawfully summoned to report for jury duty on Monday, October 3, 2011.
2. Defendant failed to appear for jury duty as required on Monday, October 3, 2011.

It is therefore ORDERED AND ADJUDGED that CLARK BROOKS (Ohmygod, I'm a  Defendant!!) is to APPEAR before Judge Gregory P. Holder on November 4, 2011...to be arraigned and then and there to show cause why he/she should not be held in and punished for violation of Florida Statute 40.23 and/or indirect contempt of Court."

Holy...!!

Here's the thing: I never received the original summons. Why I received this one and not the original is a question I can't answer. I live in a large apartment complex and our mail getting mixed up is not an uncommon occurrence. For all I know, it's sitting there right now in some vacant apartment's mail slot. I have two envelopes for paychecks covered with all kinds of postal stickers and hand-stamps that didn't find their way to me in a timely fashion that I brought with me as evidence. As flimsy as that is, it's all I really had. That, and my personal integrity, for what that's worth. The fact of the matter is, I'm the son of a policeman who instilled in me at a very early age the importance of the criminal justice system in our society. I'm a veteran of the military. I've voted in every election I've been eligible for since I was able to vote. And I've responded to every jury summons I've ever received. The one time I was actually selected, I served as Foreman in a criminal trial that last two days. I actually kind of enjoy participating in the process and consider it a privilege to do so. In fact my first reaction upon opening the envelope (well, second reaction, after freaking the freak out) was disappointment over missing the opportunity to serve. Seriously. Maybe that makes me a weirdo but so be it. 

I also know that being excused from jury duty is one of the easiest things to do and there are all kinds of legitimate ways to go about that. I've never done it but I know it doesn't take much. My point being that, all kidding aside, I take my civic responsibilities very seriously and I do my best to be a good citizen. And at the very, very least, I'm smart enough to not try to avoid something like this by simply blowing it off. Need further proof? Hell, just hunt around this very blog a little and you should have no trouble finding instances where I've happily documented worse/dumber things that I've done.

I was prepared to share all of that (minus the blog plug, maybe) with the Court this morning when I found myself in the company of hundreds of people who were there for the same reason. Apparently, close to 400 people didn't show up on October 3rd and most of them, including me, hadn't been properly excused. So there were 246 of us sitting in the courtroom at 8:30 this morning. I don't know if everybody had as much anxiety around it as I did, but I came in after several days of dread and anxiety and one completely sleepless night. As we sat there waiting for Judge Holder to enter, I picked up bits and pieces of conversation floating around me, none of which made me feel any better...

"...$100 fine..."

"...six months in jail..."

"...take you into custody, right on the spot..."

"...why yes, they are real..." Wait a minute, who said that?

Judge Holder entered, we did the Pledge of Allegiance and then he called up a guy on the list. Someone (not the guy, according to the guy) had called in on his behalf and said he should be excused because he's in the military...except he's not. Judge Holder ripped the guy up one side and down the other, detailing his own military service, that of his wife, his son and several other members of the Court. When he was done, he told what was left of the guy to sit down.

Me (silently, to myself): "Ooooohhhhhhhh, sssshhhhhhiiiiii..."

At that point, I was certain I was going to jail. No way was he going to buy my lame-but-true story. Immediately, my mind started racing: Who could I call to bail me out? Would I lose my job? Would I be in the paper? On tv? Would I need to challenge the biggest, baddest dude in the jail to a fight? I don't know how to make a shank OR toilet wine!

Luckily, right after that things settled down. Here's an account of what happened next from TBO.com:

Then Holder told James Johnson of Tampa to stand. Johnson had come to court with an attorney.
"I don't have a good excuse," Johnson said. "I forgot."
"At least you're honest enough to admit it," Holder said.
Holder asked how many of the failed jurors had forgotten to appear Oct. 3. Many raised their hands.
"I understand," said Holder, a judge for 17 years.
Nearly 400 jurors hadn't shown up Oct. 3, but many called with legitimate excuses and weren't required to come to court today.
Holder told the others that courts work to ensure people's rights are protected. Courts work to protect the community, he said.
People fight and die every day defending Constitutional freedom, he said.
"We rely upon you men and women to come into court for a brief period of time," he said. "We try to be efficient with respect to your time … This is your courthouse. You built it with your tax dollars."
Though some trials can last for weeks, Holder said he recently tried two jury trials in one week.
"We've become a McDonald's world," he said. "We want it our way.
"But folks, this country asks very little of you. The state asks very little of you. Vote and serve on juries."
Holder said he would like to improve the process for jury management. He wants the court system to send a response back letting people know when they are, in fact, excused from duty.
One juror told the judge she had changed her name and the court system had mailed her jury summons to the incorrect address.
Holder ordered those with identification with the wrong address on it to alert the Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles.
Another juror asked Holder if juror names come from voting records or driving records. He told her it hasn't been voting records for years; those rules were changed years ago to driving records so juries aren't comprised of "all elderly white folks."
Toward the end of his speech, Holder told the failed jurors that their punishment had been to come to court and listen to him.
He asked them if they wanted to go to jail.
They said no.
Asking if they wanted to reconsider, he said, "I did check. The menu includes bologna sandwiches and cheese."
Holder asked how many of the jurors would volunteer to serve on juries again.
They all raised their hands.
"I guarantee you you will be summoned," he said.

I guarantee you I will be checking my mail three times a day between now and then.

Guest Author: John Fontana

John "Johnny Fonts" Fontana is one of the managing editors at Raw Charge.com, and is, in effect, my boss. Even if he weren't, I'd still be inclined to say good things about him. He's been covering the NHL's Tampa Bay Lightning for over seven years now but I've only been a high-maintenance pain in his ass for the last year and a half so we're still in the honeymoon phase. It helps that we have things in common, such as an appreciation for the Beatles and of course, Lightning hockey. And as bloggers who function both in and outside of the mainstream media, we both like to keep our eyes on trends taking place in the media. Here are some thoughts from John in the wake of the Tampa Tribune announcing that they are on the verge of cutting more costs, which means laying off even more staff.

I don’t know much of the long-time history of the Tampa Tribune. I have heard about days of yore when the Trib was a broader newspaper that reached out to more people across the region. There was a time when it was a force, when it’s writers and personalities held sway in both local and state happenings.



Of course, times have changed. The entire media landscape has changed. The common response when talking about print media troubles usually sounds like, “What’s a newspaper?”


The history of the Tampa Tribune that I’ve seen unfold before me over the past decade is the Tribune – with thanks to the influence of it’s corporate parent, Media General – and affiliated entities tied to it, cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut and cut some more. The cuts, early on, were fed to customers with the reasoning In Order To Serve You Better.


The only thing that the Tribune, WFLA TV, TBO.com (and other properties) are serving through substantial, repetive cuts in staff and coverage, is the corporate bottom line.


Richmond, Virginia based Media General has cooked up yet another restructuring in Tampa this week, because the last In Order To Serve You Better didn’t quite work out. Several of the head cheeses at the Media Center in downtown Tampa have been “re-assigned” (nicey-nice speak for shit-canned) in a falling-upwards kind of fashion that reminds me of politics of the recent past: You screw up, you get commended and potentially a medal because you did what was asked of you, even if it didn’t work.


With WFLA’s influence in local TV on the wane, with the Tribune’s cost-cutting antics destroying coverage and circulation, and with TBO’s inept layout that hides content and limits it’s exposure (and potential page views)… Well, this ain’t exactly serving anyone better except corporate management’s whims.


And while another truffle shuffle of corporate big wigs takes place, the promise of more staff cuts looms. I’m mortified at the thought of what cutbacks and layoffs are to come. The Tampa Tribune, WFLA, TBO, and all other parties tied to Media General’s interests in Tampa have been nipped and tucked so many times over the past decade that… Hell, I don’t even have a comparison to make.


Former editor Denise Palmer was throwing around the word Hyper-local during the last revamp and restructuring of the Tampa Tribune and Media Center operations. Now? A memo informing employees of the staff changes this week said focus should be on “the core market” where most of the circulation is based. In laymans terms, in order to serve themselves better, the plan is to focus on Tampa alone and stress where they sell the most newspapers. They just said it this time without buzzwords.


In essence, Media General’s plan is to make sure the Tampa Tribune and Media Center operations further contract to small-time status, comparable to other assets owned in the south by the company – small market TV stations and newspapers.


Is that really the wisest course of action in the 14th ranked media market in America?


For a long time, the wisest thing Media General could have done for itself would have been to dump what was once known as their “crown jewel” in the Tampa Tribune/WFLA/TBO property, not because it was junk but because it held value while the company didn’t know how to effectively manage it. That’s still the best course of action. The region is too big for rinky-dink direction.


Of course, no one is buying newspapers these days – that’s the rub. Someone would have to go out on a limb to make an investment in a property like the Media Center and it’s media entities within.


Whatever the case, I’m most worried about the staff that remains on right now at the Media Center. Everything is once again on the chopping block In Order To Serve You Better. And good employees will once again be sent packing with cuts because management doesn’t have a clue what to do besides contract a major metropolitain news organization into a neighborhood leaflet.

Guest Author: Julia Gorzka Freeman

Today's submission is an invitation to what sounds like a pretty cool event, forwarded to us from someone who's tapped into all the cool happenings in Tampa Bay, Julia Gorzka Freeman. You can visit her website at www.juliagorzka.com. She's one of the most genuinely nice people I know and once you're connected to Julia, you're pretty much connected to everybody.


Ruby C. Williams Annual Gathering
Saturday, November 5th * 11:00 a.m.
Ruby hosts an Annual Gathering at her fruit and vegetable stand in Plant City where she puts together a program thanking God for her year and harvest, singing hymns, enjoying speakers and feeding the masses. She spends days cooking BBQ ribs and chicken, greens, squash, cornbread and other farm-rich southern comfort food! The program and the food are all complimentary but donations are appreciated, plus there will be art and farm-fresh produce for salse, so bring some cash.
Here's a note from Ruby:

"We are asking each of you to please bring a fan, a friend, or family member. We will be giving away great art and this will contribute to help me fund the gallery we need to repair a place to put the art. Our plan is to set The Art Haven up outside with lot of good art. etc Plenty of Fresh Farm Food this year from Ruby. Our farm goal is $10,000 now and in a few more month we will Fund Drive to raise more. It good that people want us to keep the old stand. (smile) But it need work now Free dinner after program All you can eat fresh vegetables Love Ruby C."



There's more info about Ruby at her web site

Ruby's Annual Gathering, 15th Anniversary

Nov 5, 2011 * 11:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m.

2001 Highway 60 E. Plant City FL 33567

Tune in TONIGHT!

Back on September 23rd, I said I was going to quit gratuitously plugging my endeavors. I'm going to take a brief break from that policy to tell you about "Blue Thunder", an internet radio show that's part of the SB Nation network. It's a live, hour-long call-in show on Wednesdays at 8 p.m. (Eastern time) dedicated to talk about the NHL's Tampa Bay Lightning. Oh yeah, and I'm on it, representing Raw Charge.
Now, you may not care about me or the Tampa Bay Lightning or hockey or radio shows or the internet (is it me or is the concept of "internet radio" sort of like "coal-burning Mars rover"?), but I'm hoping you decide to tune in (and call!) anyway. Because if last week's test run is an indicator, tonight's show could be great, godawful or just kind of all right, and if you're one of these post-modern hipsters who finds comedy in the awkward, those are all the same thing.

Blue Thunder

Wednesdays, 8:00 pm (Eastern)

http://sbnationtampabaylive.com/

Boom! Hockey talk! From your computer!

Guest Author: Ronny Elliott

Tampa's own Ronny Elliott has mixed it up with some true legends of rock 'n roll: Van Morrison, the Dave Clark Five, Chuck Berry, Dion, Bo Diddley, Joe Ely, Patti Smith, the Coasters, Gene Vincent, the Allman Brothers, Kasey Chambers and Sly & the Family Stone among others. He even opened for Jimi Hendrix. That's enough degrees of seperation removed for me to be able to show up unannounced at Paul McCartney's house for Thanksgiving dinner, don't you think? Check out Ronny's stories from his career as a self-described hillbilly soul singer and much, much more at his blog, ronnyelliott. 

Suicide always seemed weird and dumb to me. Mean, too. I suppose that I always thought of it as a concept for losers and crazy folks. The first time that I ever had the blues so bad that I didn't think that I could stand it I changed my mind. Now I question the judgement of anyone who claims never to have considered the idea. Have you never loved? Don't you know about a broken heart? Have you never listened to George Jones fercrissakes?


Hug more people. Tell all of your friends that you love them. Visit the neighbor who appears to be lonely. Drop in at any nursing home and just wander the hallways speaking to the ones that you run into up and down the corridors.

Remember that cousin who got angry for some reason way back? Call her. Apologize. It doesn't really matter what happened. Who cares?

Send someone flowers.

Head down to Occupy Tampa and tell those brave souls how much you appreciate what they're doing on our behalf. While you're there, approach one of the police officers and introduce yourself. Tell him that you know how tough his job is and that you understand the difficult position that they're put in by the protests. Show them the same love and respect and gratitude that you have offered up to the protesters.

Surely, if there is any cure for the blues, handing out all your coupons for love must be it. I love you all. A lot.

Welcome to guest author month!

Last year I took the month of November off to participate in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). Rather than just leave this site sitting dormant, I recruited guest authors to fill in. If you want to check that out, click right here.
I'm not doing NaNoWriMo this year but because it was so popular with you guys, I am going to dedicate the month to guest authors again this year. I knew people liked it but wasn't sure how much until I had this exchange with a friend:

"So I think I'm going to do the guest author thing in November again"
"Oh good, I really liked that!"
"Yeah. Hey, have you read any of my stuff lately?"
"Ummm..."

Yeah, so consider this a wish granted. It all starts tomorrow. There will be some people who participated last year plus some new ones. It should be a lot of fun.

This IS my costume

I'm a big guy. There's no way around that. That's just the way it is. I generally don't complain but sometimes it makes things difficult. One of those things being Halloween.
If you look for "big & tall" stuff at a costume store, options are pretty limited.

That's about it.

If you try to put a costume together yourself, you put yourself at risk for considerable ridicule, especially if you want to go as any kind of recognizable pop culture icon.
Elvis? You're fat Elvis.
Indiana Jones? You're fat Indiana Jones.
Darth Vader? You're the guy who ate Darth Vader.
Batman? Go ahead and make the obvious punchline yourself.

The point is, I find it best to abandon the whole pop culture scene and look to areas more philisophical and existential for inspiration. Personally relevant and easy to do are factors also. As a result, THIS is my Halloween costume this year...

Get it?

I feel pretty

This is a photo I took of my reflection in what's left of a mirror inside of a portable toilet.
What I thought was notable about this, and worthy of documentation in pictures and words, isn't that the mirror inside of a portable toilet is all jacked up...it's that there's a mirror inside of a portable toilet. Because there are certain very specific circumstances under which you will ever find yourself in a portable toilet. Those being that, obviously, you're involved in some sort of outdoor activity (like attending a music festival or you're working on a construction site) and you're not drunk enough far too civilized to just do your business in a plot of weeds or behind a tree. Regardless, primping is not really something you're concerned about. You probably don't think you need to check your mascara before rejoining the mosh pit and/or cement mixing action. And yet, the manufacturers of portable toilets want you to look your absolute best after you finish peeing and pooping into their fetid tubs of toxic chemicals.
I think that's nice. 

Anon and on

The undergorund collective of "hacktivists" known as Anonymous has set their sites on those who distribute and peruse child pornography on the internet. You can read more about that here and/or also watch their video message embedded below.

For what it's worth, I find the things that Anonymous does entertaining. It doesn't hurt that I find many of their targets (Scientology, the Westboro Baptist Church and yes, child pornography) as reprehensible as they do. So there has been more than one occassion when I've read about how their antics have created havoc for their foes and I've pumped my fist and cheered in support. Hell yes, go get 'em, Anonymous!

Still, there's part of me that kind of feels like mere mortals of Metropolis probably do when they wonder, "what if Superman got bored?". In other words, what if Anonymous does what they do as much to entertain themselves as they do out of a sense of righteous indignation and in the spirit of fighting for truth, justice and the Internet way? It's not that I doubt their sincerity at face value, but cheering for Anonymous sometimes feels a little like cheering for Hannibal Lecter: sure, their victims have it coming, but who's to say that I don't have it coming?

That said, I'd just like to tell any members of Anonymous who might happen to stumble across this site - I'm a fan of your work; please don't shut down my humble repository of fart jokes. 

Everybody hates The Piano Man

9:00 PM
On a Saturday.

"Hey, is Bill playing tonight?"
"Yeah, he is. He's great, isn't he?
"He sure is. He sure is. Woo! Piano man, you rock!"

La la la, di da da
La la, di di da da dum

"Yeah, that's the stuff. Pure gold!"
"He's got us feelin' all right!"

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free...

"Wait, what? Why does he get free drinks?"
"Bill, what are you doing? You're gonna get me fired!"


...But there's some place that he'd rather be
He says, "Bill, I believe this is killing me."
As his smile ran away from his face
"Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place"

"A movie star? Haw haw!"
"Hey, George Clooney, quit giving away drinks. Otherwise, I can easily arrange for you to be some place else, movie star."
"Damn it, Bill, I told you that in confidence..."


Now Paul is a real estate novelist
Who never had time for a wife...


"Umm, I thought everybody knew Paul was gay."

...And he's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the Navy
And probably will be for life

"Holy shit, Davy is gay! I knew it! I told you guys! I knew it! I knew it!"
"Huh? No, I'm not!"
"Are you ashamed of me, Davy?"
"Shut up, Paul. This is not the time or place for this."

And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessman slowly gets stoned
Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than drinkin' alone


"Christ, this is a downer."
"Geez, no kidding. This sucks. You guys want to go to Chili's?"
"Where are you guys going? We got two-for-one! Two dollars off all appetizers! Come on!"
"Screw this. We're outta here."

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
'Cause he knows that it's me they've been comin' to see
To forget about their life for a while...

"Oh, get bent, piano man."

Surreally?

This is a picture I took where I work, at the St. Pete Times Forum.
Last night, on this surface, a professional ice hockey game was played, right here in Tampa, Florida. The hard-working people you see in this photo will have spent the night covering that surface with plastic grass so that women in their underwear can play football on it tonight.
When real life is filled with circumstances this bizarre, who needs drugs? 

What are we looking at here?

This is Marine Corps Sgt. Shamar Thomas, verbally confronting New York City police officers and questioning their purpose and sense of honor in dealing with the Occupy Wall Street situation...

Are we witnessing the birth of a post-modern folk hero or just the latest viral video sensation? Personally, I don't know what to make of this. It's five and a half minutes of video. I don't know what happened before the cameras started rolling, I don't know anything about Sgt. Thomas's background, I don't even think I have a real good grasp on what the Occupiers are trying to accomplish. At any rate, I certainly don't have enough info to form an opinion on what, if anything, this means. Would a young Bob Dylan have written a song about Sgt. Thomas or is he going to end up yet another YouTube punchline? Are these "Occupations" truly organic expressions of unrest and discord, signalling a return to activism and social change or is it a bunch of misguided and disorganized would-be hippies nostalgiac for a lost childhood that occurred 20 years or more before they were even born? Or is the truth somewhere in the middle, like it usually is? Is there even such a thing as "middle" anymore? I guess we'll find out.

A short conversation about kidding around with your buddy

"Hey, you know how we're always joking around, insulting each other, calling each other names?"


"Ha ha! Yeah, you fag. What about it?"


"Well, I just wanted you to know that I actually am gay."


"..."


"It's no big deal. You're my friend and I know you never say it with malice. I just thought you should know."


"Wow. I had no idea. Should I..should I apologize?"


"No, I'm not mad. I was just letting you know for the sake of context going forward. I figured that it was better for me to say something to you than have you find out and maybe feel awkward about it. That's totally unnecessary, because as I said, it's really no big deal. Honestly."


"I kind of...I don't know. This is...um. I don't know what to do now."


"Well, for starters, try not to be such a fag about it."

This is glue. Strong stuff.

In case you've been reading this for a while and haven't figured it out yet, I am what is commonly referred to as "a stupid person." If you're thinking, "Oh, he's so humble; I just love his self-deprecating sense of humor and how it makes me want to make out with him!", let me assure you that I'm not kidding, unless you're serious about the making out, in which case, I might be. If you're not thinking that and need an illustration as proof of what I'm saying, I'll just offer this...


The other day, I noticed my shoe was falling apart. The way I "noticed" this was after the third or fourth time I nearly fell flat on my face after tripping over something hanging off the bottom of it (this isn't necessarily the part where you can go ahead and conclude how stupid I am, but if you're in a hurry, it'll do). Eventually deciding that this situation was untenable, I sat down and took a look at what was going on. A big chunk of the sole had torn and was nearly three quarters off, flopping around dangerously every time I took a step. It's either a miracle or a testament to my inherent grace and athletic ability that I didn't face-plant several times...probably a miracle.
On the way home, I stopped at Wal Mart to get something for dinner and some super-strength adhesive to fix the shoe. People like to criticize Wal Mart, but seriously, where else can you stop and resolve two disparate issues like that at the same time? I found some stuff that came in an aluminum tube, labeled "Bonding Agent". It cost $7, more than other glue-like substances with far less serious sounding names (like "glue) and roughly half the price of a brand new pair of shoes (I never said they were nice shoes), and I was in business.
The back of the package was covered in teeny-tiny instructions, but I couldn't think of one good reason why I would need to put in a half hour of reading before operating glue. So I sat down on my bed, popped it open and smeared some between the sole and whatever you would call the part between that and what your foot goes into. I pressed the parts together and held them firmly and then put the shoe down. That's when I realized I had bonding agent (not mere glue) on my two fingers and they were stuck together. My mind went off at 100 mph in at least as many directions. Oh no. My fingers would be stuck together forever. I started to reach for a towel and realized my fingers would be stuck together and to a towel forever. I went to put my hand on the dresser and immediately visualized my hand glued...no, bonded!...permanently to the biggest piece of furniture I own. My body wouldn't be found for months (because honestly, who would even notice I was missing for at least that long?) and when they broke down the door, they'd find a skeleton with his bony hand glued to a dresser. It would be labeled "weirdest suicide ever" because there's no way a medical examiner would imagine anybody dumb enough to die that way otherwise. Yep, too stupid to even earn the description of "accidental death". That's when my survival instinct kicked in. Maybe I could get out of it by gnawing away at the dresser. Maybe over the course of several days I could chew off the chunk my hand was glued to and go to a hospital. Maybe, if it came down to it, I could actually chew off my own fingers. People have done worse to survive calamity like this, right? Oh god, I bet they'll taste terrible. When was the last time I washed my hands? I don't even remember! Not to mention it's going to hurt like a bitch. Maybe when it's all said and done, I can make a couple bucks off of being a motivational speaker, bravely telling others about my harrowing ordeal and how they can apply my story to their efforts to sell more car insurance. "Yeah", I thought, "I'm sure there's a huge market for people teaching life lessons by surviving their own stupid mishaps". Way to compound a stupid occurrence with an even stupider fantasy about the resolution and aftermath. As I sat there, becoming more and more panicked (I hadn't touched the dresser or anything else yet, but it was just a matter of time), one last desperate idea entered the raisin-sized brain-like thing rolling aimlessly around the inside of my cavernous skull: maybe, just maybe, I could stand up without touching anything, go in the bathroom and try to wash my hands.
Which is what I did. 
And the "bonding agent" rinsed right off.
It didn't work on the shoe either.
And I didn't get my money back from Wal Mart because I lost the receipt.

A Budget-Conscious Tourist's Tale

The movie "A Dolphin's Tale" has been in theatres now for three weeks, last week grossing over $9 million in ticket sales, proving once again that people love dolphins! Whether they're the subject of a family film or playing the game of football really badly, folks just can't get enough of the shiny, bottle-nosed fish-mammals. It's no surprise that one of the most popular tourist attractions popping up at vacation spots are dolphin encounters, your chance to actually swim with the lovable scamps of the sea. These places use this kind of verbiage in their ads...

"Imagine an exchange of looks; a gaze full of liberty and love. That is the beginning of an unforgettable experience in Puerto Aventuras beside marine friends, the dolphins. During the Dolphin Encounter ® program, you and your family will have the opportunity to receive all the affection of these tender and playful animals that always seem to smile.Imagine an exchange of looks; a gaze full of liberty and love. That is the beginning of an unforgettable experience in Puerto Aventuras beside marine friends, the dolphins. During the Dolphin Encounter ® program, you and your family will have the opportunity to receive all the affection of these tender and playful animals that always seem to smile. In this swim with dolphins program your kids will be able to enjoy safe and fun activities that Dolphin Discovery Puerto Aventuras has specially designed for all ages. Doesn’t matter if you are 1 or 80 years...Your new friend will give you unlimited love, he will give you a Handshake, he will Sing and Hug, you will be able to pet him and swim in a place that he and his other dolphin friends call “home”: the Mexican Caribbean."

Hmmm, seem familiar?

Sounds pretty great, right? Well, even if you get past the fact that in spite of some marketing department's efforts to convince you that dolphins are just hanging around and learning tricks so you'll come and rescue them from being lonely and that they aren't wild animals, you're looking at a cost of anywhere from $90 to $200 each for a half hour of encounter time. Ouch! (that's the noise you'll make when you see your credit card statement...and also if you're violated by a 12" prehensile dolphin penis).
That's why I'm introducing (just in time for the winter tourist season here in Florida)...

Clark Brooks' Dog Encounter!

Imagine an exchange of looks; a gaze that says, "Hey, you got anything to eat? No? That's cool. But maybe later, we can get something to eat? Think about it; because I will be". That is the beginning of an unforgettable experience in Tampa, Florida, where you'll re-connect with Man's Best Friend, the dogs. During the Dog Encounter ® program, you and your family will have the opportunity to receive all the affection of these tender and playful animals that always seem hungry. In this swim with dogs program your kids will be able to enjoy safe and fun activities that Clark Brooks's Dog Encounter ® has specially designed for all ages. Doesn’t matter if you are 1 or 80 years...Your new friend will chase a tennis ball, he will give you a Handshake, he will chase a tennis ball, he will chase a tennis ball, you will be able to pet him and swim in a place that he and his other dog friends call “the causeway on the way to Clearwater, because Tampa actually doesn't have any beaches and all the 'nice' beaches generally don't allow dogs anyway”: the Courtney Campbell Causeway (connecting Tampa and Clearwater, because the dogs are right), between the Chevy van with some dude sleeping in it and a pile of broken beer bottles. All this for a mere fraction of what a session with dolphins would cost. Say, I don't know, $5? We'll work it out.
NOTE: Please allow at least two hours notice before booking your encounter, so I can round up some tennis balls. And a dog.

Why this generation of Americans sucks

The other day, I was at the local K-Mart. On the way out, I glanced at the coin-op vending machines near the exit doors and saw this...

Tabletop footballs? Pre-made and for sale in a machine? Cripes.
There are so, so many things wrong here, so many things symptomatic of what is wrong with us as a society.

Let's start with the fact that tabletop football, like the wildly popular sport of NASCAR, has roots in illegal activity. The original stock car racers were bootleggers, running moonshine and trying not to get caught by the law. The original tabletop football players were juvenile delinquents, goofing off during class and trying not to get caught by teachers. I suspect in the case of tabletop football, that's still probably the case. Nobody ever played it at home. Why would you? In my day (I'm very elderly, as clearly evidenced by the phrasing at the beginning of this sentence), if you were at home and wanted to play football, you went outside and played football.

Or maybe this.

Now, I'm sure kids that want to play football at home fire up their Xbox or whatever home video gaming system is currently popular (again, I am very, very elderly). Either way, kids don't play tabletop football at home any more than criminals spend all day lifting weights when they get out of prison.

"I'd rather be raping"

That's because tabletop football was/is something to do when you're not interested in participating in what you're supposed to be doing. My point: Why is the NFL encouraging delinquent behavior? Tabletop football in social studies class today, boosting stereo equipment to feed a meth habit tomorrow. Thank you, corporate sponsorship!

Secondly, a store-bought tabletop football, with or without an NFL team's logo embossed on it, is equal parts pathetic and ostentatious. Have we just accepted the notion that kids in other countries are so fundamentally superior to ours that we've just given up? Forget math, spelling and science; American kids are so stupid that we don't think they're capable of figuring out how to fold a piece of paper into the shape of a triangle. Screw it, we're Americans! Even our poor people still have enough money to spend some on stupid shit. We'll just go to the store and buy one...which was probably made in one of the countries where the kids kick our asses.

Third, there's the unnecessary, gratuitous use of profanity to promote the sale of these things.

Oh, wait. It says "FLICK it", not...never mind. Hmm, I wonder if there's one with a Buccaneers logo in there?

You can't make this stuff up...well, you CAN, but you shouldn't

The other night on the way home, I stopped at a 7-Eleven to get some gas. I also needed to put fuel in my car but the main reason I went there is because I wanted a 7-Eleven Big Bite hot dog. I went up to the counter and informed the clerk that I wanted one...  "Do you want it on a (unintelligible; might have been "rat", "raft", "wrap" or something else)?"
"Huh?"
"On a (same thing; seriously, I have no idea)"
"Umm..."
"It's what I call a bun."
"Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I want it on a bun."

• First of all, of course I want it on a bun. Why would I not want it on a bun? It's a hot dog. How else would I want it, stir-fried and served over noodles? Am I supposed to believe that people walk into convenience stores, ask for a hot dog but say, "hold the bun, just hand it over" and then walk down the street munching away on it like a candy bar? Okay, I can believe that probably does happen. But not often enough for it to be something the clerk needs to ask about.
• Secondly, what the hell are you talking about? Did you say "rat"? Because that's what it most sounded like. Where and why did you come up with that? If it's because of an incident that happened in this store, I don't want to know...yes, I still want the hot dog though. Don't judge me,
• Third, who are you, that you think you can just invent brand-new slang terms for things that have existed for centuries?
• Three A, how do you expect anyone else to be familiar with a slang term that you invented and that only you use? Can I pay for it in farts? Oh, "farts" are what I call "money" and I'm the only person in the world who does this. As a result, many servers in restaurants insist that I not tip them.

As might be seen on TV

The other day, I heard through an indirect source that a friend of mine had appeared in a local television commercial. Of course, I got very excited and contacted my friend right away. This is what happened next:

"You're in a commercial?"
"Yes! Wow, did you see it?"
"No. I read about it on Facebook."
"That figures."
"Is it a lawyer commercial? Do you have lines in it? Should I be in the next one?"
"No, it has nothing to do with lawyers. No, I don't have any lines in it. No, there isn't going to be a next one. I did it for a client of mine who..."
"Mmm-hmm, mm-hmm. So what you're saying is yes, I should have a speaking part in the next lawyer commercial. Let me think about it; okay, sure, I'll do it."
"..."
"Hi! Clark Brooks here for the law company!"
"Why...do you think it has anything whatsoever to do with lawyers? Because it doesn't. At all."
"Do you need some laws to sue somebody? Do you want some so you don't get sued? Do you like pizza? Of course you do! Everybody likes pizza and is suing somebody!"
"I kind of wish you had seen the commercial because it doesn't have anything to do with pizza either..."
"I will, of course, be dressed as a pizza chef, twirling some pizza dough in front of a brick oven. I feel like that's a really strong visual that will resonate with the criminals and low-lifes you're trying to reach."
"Low-lifes??"
"Hi! Clark Brooks here. Do you make bad decisions that hurt innocent people? Would you rather hire a lawyer than stop doing that? Come on down to the law company or whatever and we'll talk about it over a slice of pizza!"
"That's...really something."
"Then I'll mumble something really fast about how the spokesman is not an actual lawyer nor a pizza chef and certainly has no intention of sitting down to talk with low-lifes about their criminal activities. Like a disclaimer."
"Of course. I can't wait to propose it to my client who isn't a lawyer and is not making another commercial. I'm sure it will be a hit."

So we all have that to look forward to. 

Get back or get a head

If you watched ABC's 'Good Morning America' last week you might have learned about the latest hot trend in plastic surgery, what's being called "The Pippa Butt Lift". Inspired by Pippa Middleton, Kate's sister, and how smokin' hot she looked at this summer's Royal Wedding (a brief aside: DAYUM!!), it's basically a procedure that involves liposucking fat out of your body where there's too much of it and re-injecting it into another part of your body that needs a little help. In this case, into your pancake-flat white girl booty. Well, there's more to it than that, but that's the short version.
This is, of course, excellent. Finally, science has done something worthwhile! It's a form of recycling and who's to say that we shouldn't be able to re-zone our property and re-distribute the ASSets (see what I did there? Wordplay!) as we see fit?
I'm all for it! I've been thinking about it, and I think what I'd like is some fat sucked out of my butt. Not so much that it loses it's shapely charm but enough to create a second, somewhat smaller novelty head which would then be grafted on to my back, between my shoulders, right behind my current head. This is officially the best idea for cosmetic improvement I've ever had, topping the one I had of having a more handsome person's face tattooed on my face and even the one I had of having my own face tattooed on my face, but slightly off center in the hope that The Blurry Look would eventually become popular. But a second head is infinitely more practical, just from a security standpoint alone. No more sneaking up on me! Granted, second head may not always care for the view, especially when attending a movie or concert or sporting event:
"Hey, what's going on up there? This sucks. I can't see a thing."
"Shut up, fat head. I'm guessing your view is about 100% better than it was a week ago when you were in my butt."
Of course, there would be no retort to that because every single word of that sentence would be true. And that's how I like my supplemental body parts; not running their mouths...even if they have one.