A second helping from Guest Author: Tanya Doyle

Tanya submitted two pieces and I liked them both and wanted to use them both. But I had a problem figuring out how to do that and be fair to other writers. Then it hit me: I'd let her have the day after Thanksgiving! I think it's a slightly less primo spot than other days because with everything going on, I don't expect to get a lot of traffic today. This way, I can use her second submission (scroll down to read her forst one) and not stick another wrtiter here in the "leftovers" slot. Of course, that's not to say that if you're here and reading this that I think any less of you. Quite the contrary; I think you're great and I love you! Same goes for Tanya. And leftovers, for that matter. You're ALL equally delicious! So enjoy!  

I devote a lot of brainpower to completely useless thought. The types of thoughts that roam around my brain range from the completely irrelevant to the utterly practical. The problem is that they all seem to occur at the same time. Random stuff like “Why don’t we gain weight in our lips?” or “Am I going bald?” or “Look at all the seams in this carpet…somebody did a bad job” is overlayed with the regular “gotta get it done” variety of mental activity. You know, the checklists, tasks, and prolonged activities that help us get our kids off to school, ourselves off to work, and our paychecks off to the bank. I’m fairly aware of the jumbled processing going on up there, and most of the time I like my mind just the way it is. But I’ve wondered to myself if this constant flurry of activity is what everyone else experiences.

ADHD runs in my family. Big time. Doctors have told me that I meet the DSM requirements for this diagnosis, but still I wonder. I did well in school, I’ve never had problems with authority, and I’ve been happily married for 17 years. Doesn’t sound like ADHD to me. So I googled ADHD to see what I could find out. There’s plenty out there to be found…for males. Not so much for females. I managed to find a few sources that note differences in the way ADHD manifests itself in girls. Some of the signs are:
· Intense studiousness – as a way to compensate for inattentiveness (ie. spending more hours than average to keep up good grades)

· Hypercritical of self
· Difficulty fitting in with peers
· Anxiety
· Hyper-talkative
· Emotionally hyperactive

Check, check, and check. Really? Me? Still not sold. How is it that I’ve managed so well to date? I know I’m not perfect (far from it), but I’m happy and healthy , with a good family and a roof over my head. All measures of a successful life, in my book. Well, it turns out, the plus of being a female with ADHD is that the higher functioning executive skills that seem to be a problem for males is not so much of a problem for females. So things like planning ahead, organization, and follow-through are less of a challenge. Hmm. Interesting.

Out of curiosity (or perhaps medical necessity), I started medication, and sure enough, I saw a difference. The areas where I saw a difference are what were fascinating to me. Biggest difference: I stopped surfing the net. Or at least dramatically cut down. I’ve come to realize that the World Wide Web is this attention-deficit person’s drug of choice. It calls me to me, promising all that my wondering mind can think up. That feeling of constantly wanting to “google” waned. It was noticeable. And liberating.

The other area where I noticed a difference was in my tendency to dwell, a common trait of my people (yes, I’m embracing it now). All the thoughts that would linger and grow out of proportion no longer festered. I was conscious of all the same old triggers, but like a door that slams shut, my mind no longer went there. I was able to perceive more realistically, process, and move on.

My stint on medication only lasted a few months. Those drugs are expensive, and I didn’t see enough benefits to outweigh the costs (monetary and physical). That first day off, I cried for a solid two hours. Over ridiculous stuff. It was as if all my craziness had been stomping at the gate, building up, just waiting for the medication to wear off. Even as I was crying my eyes out, I knew I was being comical. So I let the tears roll and then picked myself up and got back to work.

Side note: one should always work from home on days when one plans to go off one’s medication.

By the next day, I was back on the internet.

And now I know that this bombardment of thoughts isn’t necessarily what everyone else experiences. There are times when I wish for that quick fix that the medication provided. It’s definitely a calmer state of mind. But for the most part, I enjoy my random mind and all the entertainment it brings me.

http://www.ncgiadd.org/pdf/GirlswithADHD.pdf

Guest Author: Tanya Doyle

Today, we're hearing from a new writer, not just 'new' as in I haven't known about her for very long, but 'new' as in she hasn't been doing this very long. However, Tanya Doyle is off to a great start with her blog at "Original Thoughts of an Unoriginal Thinker". Here's how she describes herself: "...I'm dreadful at self-promotion. I'm a full time drone in a company of over 40,000 employees. Nothing says Employee ID more than that. I was laid off in September, only to be rehired in September. The good thing about getting fired and rehired almost simultaneously is that you are afforded the opportunity to evaluate yourself and your place in the world without actually losing your home. I started this blog in that time. So doing the math, you can see I'm very green. And going by the useless widgets and whistles I've embedded on blog, you can see that I'm doing this all by the seat of my pants."


Money and Me. We have a complicated relationship. We've never been very close, perhaps because it has been in and out of my life since I was a young child. I've always wanted more of a relationship with it, but it ran out on us long ago. It's funny how, despite the disappointments, I keep coming back for more. Alright, enough bad jokes.



People's relationship with money is a funny thing. For some, the absence of it in childhood motivates them to work harder to have it in adulthood. And once they have it, how they use it sheds light on their psyche. Some spend frivolously, as if to make up for past losses, and others do their best to hoard it. I like to think I've completely shed any hang-ups from my penniless childhood and am fully, financially self-actualized. But the truth is, I'm a tightwad. I can't help it.


Which leads me to today's ramble. I want to talk about hair care, specifically hair cuts. I neither like nor look forward to spending money on hair cuts. Between a husband who would love to get a clean up every 2 weeks and 3 growing, hairy kids, I see money going down the drain every time we step into Fantastic Sams or Supercuts or whatever cheap salon we can find. At $15 to $25 a pop, these places are the thorn in my side that I can't avoid. Because the hair won't stop growing. And the cuts that come out of these places are shameful. My 12 year old came out of Fantastic Sams last weekend looking like Dumb and Dumber. For those who have already forgotten, 12 years old is not the age to have a bad haircut. He was mortified. Desperate, he asked to shave it all off.


Because looking like a thug is obviously better than looking like an idiot.


After talking him off the ledge, I convinced him to let me have a go at his hair. If he still hated it, I promised he could shave it all off. Now, I imagine myself to be somewhat of a renaissance (wo)man, and I've been known to save the day with a pair of scissors before. So I worked my magic, and he was satisfied enough to keep his hair. Disaster averted.


The whole experience reinforced my opinion of this regular expense. Why am shelling out so much money for something that looks no worse than what I can do? If only I really could cut hair, instead of just fixing the bad stuff. Isn't it all just angles and geometry and scissors anyway? I'm good with geometry, and I've got an analytical mind, maybe I can do this. I just need to find a website that gives diagrams and measurements to follow. I already have scissors and a ruler. I might need to invest in a protractor, but I think the upfront investment is worth the potential payoff. I'll be saving buckets of money in no time.

In preparation for this new venture, I did my online research, looking for any documentation that was out there. I was on a hunt for haircutting diagrams. Would I be lucky enough to find a goldmine, similar to the Butterick sewing patterns websites that bound aplenty?


My first search involved the term "haircut patterns". I was pleased to have Google complete my term by adding "for men" to it. Unfortunately, what returned were page after page of Vanilla Ice-etched heads. Not what I had anticipated. I tried various other terms, and none of them returned those elusive blueprints I was searching for. I did stumble across a very cool step-by-step tutorial on cutting women's hair. I wish I had a barbie head to practice this one on.
http://www.hairdressing-training.co.uk/cut/step.htm


The same site offered 4 men's tutorials that I could view for 30 pounds. A quick search of pound-to-dollar conversion told me to bookmark the page and save it for a time when I'm feeling wealthy.


It turns out, there's no such thing as haircut patterns. There should be. For people like me. So for now, the haircutting dream will have to be put on hold, and I'll have to find other ways to pinch my pennies.

Guest Author: Keri Ramos

One of the most fun things about doing this whole "guest author" gimmick is finding "new" writers. Keri Ramos is one of my new favorites. Why? Well, check out her Twitter bio:



"I'm pretty rad. I say inappropriate things quite frequently. I halfheartedly write a pseudo-funny blog. I dig music. And dinosaurs."



Clearly, she's me as a twenty-something-year-old woman. How could I not love that? See more at the appropriately-titled Filthy Nerdy, which she describes as "an elitist, profane examination of trivial, everyday things". I love that too.

I have never been so poor in my entire life. Admittedly, I’m not very responsible with money anyway, but usually it’s because I spend $50 on someone else before spending $20 on myself. I once paid for someone’s abortion. Having never paid for or had an abortion myself (I’m not a right to life-er, I just know how to use birth control correctly, as opposed to everyone else in my hometown. Seffner represent!) I had no idea they were so costly. Whoever invents a safe, do-it-yourself option available for purchase at Target will be a millionaire. After financially backing a murder, I had to cancel some plans in the upcoming weeks due to lack of funds, but my friend didn’t have to raise her rapist’s baby. Everyone wins!

I know money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy dresses from Forever21 and chai tea lattes from Sacred Grounds and Urban Decay eye shadow and it could also help me pay for books at USF and fix my car which was accidentally clusterfucked in a rear-ended sandwich by my little brother. But I have no money so I currently have none of these things. And even though I am still lucky enough to have a place to live and things to eat, I am, at times, acutely aware of the fact that I have never been so poor in my life. It’s an annoying kind of poor; I’m not living on the streets or fighting for my survival, I just miss out on social events and guilty pleasures (read: drinking excessively at bars with friends and buying weird music documentaries).

When my car was operational a few weeks ago, I gave my buddy a ride to and from the airport when he went to Colorado to visit family. His return flight landed at midnight and after I collected him, we met a third buddy out for beers to catch up on adventures. Traveling buddy was kind enough to pick up my modest tab, and not because I whined about being poor, but because dealing with the Tampa airport twice in one week without getting to leave Tampa sucks. He also brought me back a shirt from the Colorado dinosaur museum and it has five dinosaurs on it and it is way better than any Forever21 dress. He found it for me at a thrift store and it is my newest and quite possibly favorite article of clothing in the history of clothes I’ve worn.

I’ve started a new tradition known to those who attend it as Family Dinner. It’s so badass and important that we capitalize Family Dinner via text and tweets. Aside from my brother, no one who attends is actually related to me, but they are the kind of family that stumbled into my life some way or another and if they were to leave now I’d be very upset. Everyone brings something to the table, literally. A bunch of social misfits and odd characters show up with pasta and various sauces and garlic toast and drinks. And it’s awesome. The crowd varies week to week, and we keep adding new people but that’s okay because pasta isn’t very expensive and I don’t buy it anyway. I make the meatballs. It happens most Wednesdays and afterwards we go to the Pegasus Lounge for Porneoke. It’s karaoke with a giant screen onstage playing (really awful) porn. The singers in the Family sing everything from Frank Sinatra to Beyonce. And the guy who sings “Single Ladies” also does the dance from the video. It’s a wholesome family activity, and I dare you to have more fun.

I signed up for NaNoWriMo, which has me paralyzed with writing anxiety, but I have an awesome Fiancé who bought me a desk and a chair so I would have a legitimate place to write during this arduous challenge. I think he felt sad for me when he watched me sit on my bed Native American style (I’m assuming we can’t say “Indian style” anymore) with my laptop sitting on top of an overturned laundry basket. The desk is nice and the chair is awesome (it has a ‘mod’ pattern that looks like the 70s threw up on it) but I’m more taken by the fact that he believed in me enough to encourage my endeavors. Or he loved me enough to shut me up about not having a desk and not being able to use the kitchen table because the refrigerator is so loud. Fuck you, Whirlpool.

I’m sure you’ve guessed, through my heartwarming tales of life being rich even though I’m not, is that money doesn’t buy happiness and even though I’m woefully destitute, I’m still wonderfully in love with my existence.

You would be wrong. I have cool dinosaur shirts and Family Dinner and karaoke (now with porn!) and usually someone buys me a shot there and I am currently typing at my fancy desk. These things are free for me, but they cost someone else money. And all the shit I legitimately need? That’s still expensive.

My point is that my friends are better than yours. And luckily for me, they aren’t as broke as I am right now.

Guest Author: Jeff Hickmott

Today's submission is from Jeff Hickmott, with two T's, no N's, not Jeff Hickmont, as he was listed here....briefly...last year (I have no idea who Jeff Hickmont is; probably a nice enough guy, drawn into all this ugliness through no fault of his own...unless he's a tool, in which case, screw him).
I don't have to write an intro, as Jeff has done that himself. I just have to spell his name correctly (two T's, no N's). Other than that, all I have to tell you is he's British which means he's inherently funny, as he hails from the land that gave us Monty Python's Flying Circus, Peter Sellers and Ricky Gervais and that still kind of owns the country that gave us Kids In the Hall. Ladies and blokes, Jeff Hickmott (two T's, no N's)


So, here is the bit where I tell you about myself. Hmm, what can I tell you that you don't already know from reading my wildly popular blogs The World Of Jeff! and The Food Of Jeff!, not forgetting my guest shot on last year's blog-sitting-type-thing-a-thon-of-infinite-wonder. Well, in the past year I have been employed twice, unemployed twice, and started me a little community action group in my hometown of Tenterden, Kent which you can read about in my third blog, Transition Town Tenterden, at transitiontenterden.blogspot.com. Oh, and I'm in lurrrve. With Laura. I was last year too, but I didn't mention it then. Aaaand I'm rambling. Right. Biography over. On with the motley!

One thing about British TV when compared to American TV is the difference in what's allowed to be shown. Sure, over there in the good ole U S of A you are allowed to have political pundits and religious nutjobs spouting off all kinds of stupid and inflammatory remarks 24/7, but show a movie with a dirty word in it and it's either bleeped out, or more commonly, replaced with an innocuous and ridiculous one. Over here we are allowed to say words after the watershed hour that makes George Carlin's "7 Dirty Words" sound stupid and pointless. And it's not just limited to what you can say. If in the UK you have a programme that is pseudo-health-oriented, then full-frontal nudity and extreme close-ups are A-OK.

Channel 4's show Embarrassing Bodies (along with its sequel Embarrassing Teenage Bodies) has people with serious health complaints on.

A rather unfortunate promo shot for Embarrassing Bodies, and yes, these people are actual doctors.

These people are too embarrassed to go to their regular doctor with these unusual ailments. However they don't seem to mind coming to a studio and having a camera broadcast the innermost workings of their naughty bits to the nation. To give you some sort of example of what we are subjected to every week, I shall tell you some of the ones I've seen (and I've only seen a couple of episodes). The one I remember most was the young man who had a... well, he had... well, it was sorta to do with his butt crack... well, he had a lot of hair growing in his... and, well, he... see, I can't do it. It's too embarrassing. But you can check it out if you want - they have a website... with video clips... oy vey. It's at http://www.channel4embarrassingillnesses.com.




But it's not just limited to this show. On ITV in the a.m. you have Phillip Schofield, former Children's BBC presenter and now sorta-serious journalist (just kidding - there's no way that his oeuvre could be considered serious journalism) co-anchor of ITV's This Morning which recently shocked the nation by showing a live demo of how us guys should be checking our (ahem) balls, which apparently we should do ALL the time. Well, Kojak, let me clue you in - we are guys. We need no provocation or incentive to touch our packages ever. We DO do it all the time. Probably even more than that. But the week before that they had another live demo of Sex Positions for the Over-60s. I kid you not. (It's OK, the senior citizens were dressed).


This sort of stuff would definitely not fly in the United States. Your Bill O'Reillys and your Sean Hannitys and Glenn Becks and Sarah Palins and all the other tea-bagging loose cannon political loons and their friends the religio-nutters at the 700 Club and TBN would have a field day, with outraged cries of FILTH and PERVERSION and so on and so forth. C'mon, you know they would. Imagine Dr. Phil doing a live nutsack or boobie inspection. Or on second thoughts, don't. Imagine the cast of The View doing it. Aah. That's much better.


So why is American media so uptight when compared to its UK counterparts? Why is "The Land Of The Free", "The Land Of Opportunity", "Home Of The Brave", the country that produces about 90% of the porn on the planet, so sensitive about swear words and nudity? Why can you only see uncensored rude material on pay channels in the USA, when you can turn on your TV after about 9pm here in the UK and see expletive-laden stand-up comedy shows such as Russell Howard's Good News? My friends, it's no use asking me, I'm simply asking rhetorically. I don't have the answer. But it's probably got something to do with money and religion. After all, US currency does say on it "In God We Trust".


No God references on English money, no sirree. The Church of England does not have a tight grip on the BBC or ITV. We have very few evangelists on TV, and the ones that are on are usually satellite broadcasts of TBN shows anyway, and most Brits probably consider them a bit of a joke with their glistening cardboard hairdos and their impassioned cries of PRAISE-UH JEE-ZUSS-UH! It's like like a parody of itself.


So as usual I have managed to say a whole lot without actually making a point or accomplishing anything. I guess the only thing I can conclude at the end of this is one of two things: either


(a) We Brits are just a bunch of foul-mouthed perverts, or


(b) You Americans are just a bunch of uptight assholes.




However, as a Brit who lived in the States for 18 years, I can safely say that both statements are false. And somewhat true.

Guest Author: Mr. & Mrs. FruDO

Today, we are treated to a piece of internal company correspondence created by a mystery author, whom we will refer to as FruDO. The main reason for all the secrecy will be self-evident when you read it. The other is that some of you may know FruDO and/or Mrs. FruDO, who furnished us with this (with his permission on the grounds of anonymity). If you do or even if you think you do, please don't say so in the comments; I'll have to delete it. The only things I will reveal that are even close to a hint is that yes, this is real and no, this is not from a company I have ever personally worked for. Although if they're hiring...

Not everyone values their job.


Thousands of unemployed people are out there, pounding the pavement in search of a job. And yet, too many companies are saddled with employees who jerk off in the company restroom instead of at home in front of the computer as God intended.


Here is an email from Frustrated Director of Operations to such employees. See if you can spot the puns and other efforts to avoid ending up in a harassment lawsuit.

Gentlemen,


It has been brought to my attention that the etiquette level in the men's bathroom has plunged to an all-time low.

Etiquette is a complicated beast. The whole philosophy of etiquette is to be aware of others and to act in a way as to minimize or eliminate your negative impact on other people whenever possible. To that end:


· Urinating all over the seat and not wiping it up is bad etiquette because you can and should clean it up.


· Not flushing the toilet is bad etiquette because you can and should flush the toilet. We respect the conservationist in you, but please stick around and flush twice or thrice if need be.


· Leaving empty toilet paper rolls (even when the second one has sheets left) is bad etiquette because you can and should replace them with a full roll. If supplies are the issue, please get in touch with me and I'll make certain we have enough on hand.


· Speaking of on hand, not having a grip on your libido is bad etiquette. Hats off to you if your mind got occupied with imagery so powerful that you felt it necessary to take care of it right then and there, but in the future don't. Friendly reminder: when we request "new product" this is not of what we speak.



Please take this email as a call to employ common sense in our shared bathroom. Leave the area as clean as possible for the next teammate.

Thank you.


The Director’s wife was so impressed, she asked to tape this to the bathroom wall at home. She was refused.

Guest Author: Ruprecht

Today's post is courtesy of the mysterious and irrepressible Ruprecht. When he's not mentally torturing the citizens of California (Honestly, haven't those poor people suffered enough? No? Well, carry on then) or making up words (which is downright irresponsiclous) he's authoring two blogs,"Rupe's Value Added Services" and "F(STOP)" and contributing his views on what's good and bad about television at "Clique Clack". And yet, he still found time to share some material with us here. Isn't that nice? (Just smile and nod; it's best not to provoke him).

Well ... I stepped out of my mind for a moment (it wasn't too painful) and wondered: What should I write about? Something entertaining? Engaging? Interesting?

• How 'bout my world famous Cup 'O Meat? Not only scrumptiously delicious, but exactly what it sounds like. (And yes ... it must be eaten from the cup. Duh. It's in the name.)
• How 'bout the time I was 10 times more annoying silent than when I was free to say whatever I wanted during that Saturday night poker party? (A friend turned to me and asked if I could just shut the #%$*@! up for a couple hours. I did. She got so annoyed and disgusted with me being quiet - gesturing during every single hand instead - she stormed out of the house, dragging her husband with her. Good times.)
• Or ... how 'bout the "exploding house of Italians" birthday event? (The house survived. Barely. The bar-be-ques used to cook for everyone, on the other hand, did not.)

So many to choose from. Decisions ... decisions.

I figured I'd go with the Darth Vader Cheez-Its test.

At a party one night, a bunch of us were waxing poetic about life, liberty and the pursuit of whatever we happened to be thinking of that week. At some point the Coke / Pepsi debate came up for the 1,000th time. Naturally, some Bozo decided a bonafide taste test was in order. Several of us decided to put our taste buds on the line and our money where our mouths were.

Now understand: I haven't lost this particular bet yet. I can identify Coca Cola over Pepsi each and every time. Why? Easy. Pepsi tastes like mold. It's that simple.

One guy I hadn't met who had imbibed a little more at the party than was probably good for him (along with Coke and Pepsi during the challenge) came up to me. He glared with eyes rapidly on their way to bloodshot: "You think you're show schmart, don'tcha?! Tell you what ... I'ma gonna challenge you to sumpin' else ... and I'll beat'cha at it, too! Name it, pal! The choice is yoursh!"

Huh buoy. Here we go. I thought I'd make it interesting.

"Cheez-Its," I said.

"Wha ... ???" was his reply.

"Cheez-Its. Cheez-Its snack crackers." I explained. "You see ... the ones that come out of the Darth Vader box are infinitely superior than regular Cheez-Its. Why don't we see if you and I can differentiate between the regular ones and the ones infused with The Force."

My "friend" was skeptical. He looked left, looked right, then said: "Let's do dis thing."

"Tell me how you want to work this," I asked "Blotto".

"Breast 5 out of 7 takes it!" I was informed. "And no Jedi mime tricks, either!"

"Works for me," I responded looking at the ceiling and trusting myself I could get out of the situation without anyone getting hurt.

Several close friends set up little miniature cupcake liners filled with 3 Cheeze-Its each. They had written on the bottom of the liners which ones came from the Darth Vader box, which ones from the non-descript box.

With the both of us wearing blindfolds to make things that much more difficult, we went back and forth identifying which we thought were which. Random bunches of Cheez-Its - in no particular order - were given to us for identification.

When it got to the point where I had recognized every single Cheez-It container correctly (4 out of 4 guessed right) and Blotto was at 1 of 4 correct guesses, he emphatically reminded me we were doing "the best 5 out of 7". At the next correct guess on my part (and incorrect guess on his), he threw in the towel.

"I don' know how you do it," said slowly and with a few Cheez-Its still crumbling around in his mouth. "Mebbee you got that Dart Vader Star Wars Force or sumpin' ... Jew cheat?" he asked.

"No," I explained to him. "It's just the ones coming from the box with Darth Vader on it taste better than the others."

"Thatsh impossible to determine!" he protested, waving me away and plopping himself in chair in the corner. He promptly fell asleep 5 minutes later, grumbling to himself.

You think I'm kidding? Give them a try ... that is if you can still find a Darth Vader box of Cheez-Its around somewhere.

................. Ruprecht (STOP)

Guest Author: Marissa Rapier

Today's selection comes to us from America's heartland, specially prepared by The Pride of Kankakee her own self, Marissa "Miss Riss" Rapier.
I've had a crush on her for years now. Is it because she digs the '80s? Is it because she has what the young, sassy folks call "attitude"? Or is it her impeccable taste in flashy eyewear? Probably a combination of all that and some other stuff (I will admit to having a thing for girls who wear glasses though). You can see much more of what Marissa has to offer at Marissology, her site.


Meandering with Marissa


What an honor to be asked by Clark to contribute to his blog. Wow! Initially, I told him that due to my recent affection for snapping photos of the terrifying public here in Kankakee, Illinois, that I’d center my post around the sights of my Midwestern village. However, the freaks haven’t been cooperative. Maybe the snap of cold weather has caused them to retreat or cover up. I bet the folks in Florida get more than their fair share of overexposure, eh?


Just last night I was taking a stroll around the mall on my break (I work as a lab manager for a major optical company). My Droid was charging back at the store so the heinous vision of a pregnant woman wearing what appeared to be a child size t-shirt and sweatpants tucked beneath her about-to-burst girth could not be captured on digital film. What a disappointment. The corneal scaring it caused gets lost in translation.


Want to know something else that annoys me about fashion trends other than pregnant women letting it all hang out by refusing to purchase maternity clothes? That is women who appear to have NO clue about their coin slot being exposed when they bend over. You know what I speak of, right? Low-rise jeans are fine and dandy if the right size and cut is worn … and you never squat down or bend over. I’d like to reintroduce the body suit aka the adult onesie as prevention for what was once frowned upon and known as plumbers crack. At least put on a thong and amuse us with whale tail, will ya? In my humble opinion, a butt crack is a butt crack no matter if it belongs to a man or woman; chubby or thin. Cover it up!


Whoa, are you folks in luck! Since photos of wackadoos of Kankakee weren’t procured, on a whim, I took a drive to the park where many of my childhood memories are fondest. The neighborhood has changed fairly dramatically as it was once where the affluent citizens of Kankakee resided. My family of 8 kids didn’t live there, mind you, but it was within walking distance. Well,1970s walking distance. I am not so sure kids of today would take a 10 block stroll to play tennis. Now, it has become a reasonable place to live and the majesty that once was has vanished. Cobb Park is nestled along the Kankakee River.


Did I lose you yet? Hang in there.

A few years ago, my fair town (county) was named THE worst place to live in America. As a result, David Letterman made a big spectacle of it on his show and graciously donated two gazebos so Kankakee could claim the title of “Home of the Twin Gazebos.” On my little cruise around Cobb Park I snapped a photo for your viewing pleasure:

I cannot confirm or deny that the child in the gazebo wasn't part of the donation. A David Letterman love child?



Whilst cruising the area, I spied a house with a sign on its porch. Like a beacon it cried out to be photographed. Do you think it lights up at night and shines into the neighbor’s front windows? Would a special permit be required for such a thing?

This home is located only a few blocks from the Letterman gazebo. Do you think the residents are merely grateful that Kankakee County is no longer the worst place to live? Or does it go much deeper than that. Yeah, it is probably the latter. Still, I think there might be a classier way to let Jesus know you love him. Say, donate 10% of their income to the 700 Club.



A handful of movies have been filmed in part here. Heck, Keanu Reeves allegedly rented porn from a local video store when he was here filming "Chain Reaction." Totally a claim to fame better than being mentioned in an Arlo Guthrie tune or sung by Groucho Marx in "At the Circus." I'll stop because it's unfair of me to make you woeful that your town isn't as fantastical as mine.

Guest Author: Gail Worley

Rock n' roll. Skulls. Bacon. Pink stuff. All the usual things a girl loves about living in New York City. And nobody does New York better than rock-critic-at-large Gail Worley and her rad blog, The Worley Gig, where she covers that and much, much more.

Check out Gail's review of the Rolling Stones new DVD...

The Rolling Stones: Some Girls Live in Texas Coming to DVD!


It’s easy to take a band like The Rolling Stones for granted. They’ve been together, through various lineup changes (but surprisingly only one actual member death!), touring and recording new music since before most people reading this blog were even born. Is that some kind of record? I’m just going to say that it is. In the summer of 1978, having just released the album Some Girls, The Rolling Stones took off on a summer tour of the United States that is considered by many fans to have included the band’s best performances ever. Guitarist Ronnie Wood had been an official member of the group for just two years and the entire band – Charlie Watts included – were still at least a few years on the left side of 40. The Stones were young, they were hot, and they were an unstoppable rock force!


In fact, the awesomeness of The Rolling Stones in 1978 is a subject that takes too long to talk about, which is why you’re going to have to get your hands on the soon-to-be-released DVD, The Rolling Stones: Some Girls Live in Texas, which I saw last night at a screening here in NYC. You know, I have this fun joke like to I tell where, when someone talks about going to see The Rolling Stones on their latest tour, I’ll say, “I liked the Stones back in the sixties, but not so much now that they’re in their sixties.” Hilarious! And that’s not say that they still don’t put on a kick ass show for a bunch of dudes pushing seventy, but when they were in their prime – both musically and physically – they were the greatest live band in the world. That’s the band you’ll see in this film


By the time the Some Girls tour arrived in Texas in mid-July of 1978, the album had reached No.1 on the US charts and the single “Miss You” was all over the radio. The tour took a back to basics approach, with the band and their music very much at the forefront and little or no elaborate staging. Filmed at the Will Rogers Memorial Center in Fort Worth, Texas, on July 18th, this concert is typical of the tour, with The Rolling Stones delivering a raw, energetic performance in front of a crowd who are clearly out of their minds with excitement and totally into the show. Originally shot on 16mm film, the concert footage has been carefully restored and the sound remixed and re-mastered from the original multi-track tapes by award-winning music engineer Bob Clearmountain. Jagger himself admits that, “Fort Worth was an amazing night in a blistering hot July. Watching it now, the band was really intense and focused, but we were also having a blast with the fans who were really getting into the show and the new tracks from Some Girls.”


That the band were having fun is obvious from the way Jagger practically makes out with Ron Wood at various intervals, and his chemistry with Keith Richard’s is unmatched. Jagger is lucid, sober, handsome and playful. Richards looks like the ultimate rock star and although Watts and Wyman are very much relegated to the background as far as screen time goes, the Stones are tight and in sync with each other on a level that few bands today could achieve. For this recorded performance, the band – Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Charlie Watts, Ronnie Wood and Bill Wyman, with various guest musicians including violin player Doug Kershaw and keyboardist Ian McLagan – performs a mix of Stones’ classics, blues numbers and Chuck Berry covers, and a good number of songs from the Some Girls LP, though sadly “Before They Make Me Run” – my favorite – is missing from the set. Highlights for me were “When the Whip Comes Down” and “Happy,” because I’ve always loved the songs were Keith sings lead, or at least tries to.


If you’re looking to find out more about the members of the band as individuals or pick up some new forbidden dirt, be aware that this is a live performance only documentary: neither backstage “down time” nor candid personal shenanigans are included. What you see them do on stage is all there is. The bonus material comes in the form of a fairly recent interview with Mick Jagger, where Mick shares his memories of different aspects of the Stones’ career at that time (as Punk Rock was just on the cusp of breaking big) the Some Girls Tour in general, and the performance in Fort Worth specifically. While there were a few dissenters (read: Dicks) at the screening I attended who were clearly bored with Jagger’s banter and restless for the Big Rock Show to begin, I found the interview to be quite fun and charming. I mean, Mick-Fucking-Jagger! The guy’s been around practically since Rock & Roll was invented! Sure, sometimes he sounds like your grandfather telling stories about how things were “back in the old days,” but mostly he’s just such a fascinating and charismatic character, you can’t even guess at what he’ll say next. And that keeps it interesting! Even if he’s forgotten how many buckets of water he threw on the audience at the end of the show (spoiler alert, sorry), he’s lived more life in 68 years than most of us could even fantasize about. Mick Jagger!


The full Set List for that night in Fort Worth is as follows:


"Let It Rock"
"All Down the Line"
"Honky Tonk Women"
"Star Star"
"When the Whip Comes Down"
"Beast of Burden"
"Miss You"
"Just My Imagination (Running Away With Me)"
"Shattered"
"Respectable"
"Far Away Eyes"
"Tumbling Dice"
"Happy"
"Sweet Little Sixteen"
"Brown Sugar"
"Jumpin' Jack Flash"


The Rolling Stones: Some Girls Live in Texas will be released on November 21, 2011 and can currently be pre-ordered for $10.99 (retail is $14.98) from Amazon.com at This Link.

Guest Author: Dawn Morgan

Very rarely do you meet someone whose blog title so aptly defines who they are. My friend Dawn Morgan is truly a Tampa Do-Gooder, and for my money she is THE Tampa Do-Gooder.
I'm not kidding. All the stuff we're supposed to be (socially conscious, politically active, sincerely concerned with the welfare of others) and do (be nice to people, think beyond the spehere of one's own existence, recycle) she actually is and does!
She makes me sick.
I console myself with the knowledge that she isn't perfect, though (I've heard her cuss).
You can check out her do-goodings around Tampa at her site, Tampa Do-Gooder.

Sweet November


Am I the only sap who liked that movie? That & Thanksgiving make me a very appreciative person for all I have, even though I readily admit I ain't got much. 


Currently what I own is stowed in six neat boxes, the most expensive item being the iPhone in my pocket, which I bought to entertain myself & my dedicated blog readers.


No matter, traveling light is the best way to go. And this weekend at my friend Jenn's wedding I was as light as could be. 


One aspect of my life I have always been unsatisfied with is that I've always lacked friendships with deep roots. This began when I was a kid in a military family, moving every two years for my first 10 years. I was so shy that by the time I opened up, it was time to move again.

We ended up outside of Ft. Dix, NJ, and instead of moving in the early 90's as anticipated, my dad retired and I got to spend six years in one place, until my parents split my senior year of high school. 


Ugh. My love of flannel and prior Pearl Jam obsession came in handy as a primer. To avoid both parental units, I moved in with my grandparents and spent that year at Cocoa High in Brevard County, Florida.


Up to that point, I had had no life whatsoever. I was a heavily sheltered and despondent youth who *tried* to be stimulated. But nothing worked: not cross country or lacrosse, musical theatre or even stepping. The latter definitely did not suit me, and other than my Mcjob (which this future Supersize Me fan hated even then), I didn't stick with anything.

After I moved to Florida, I had way *too* much life. I quickly found a circle of friends made of the most creative people I had ever met. Musicians, actors, artists and writers; every one of us a drama queen of galactic proportions. 99% of us came from broken homes but we were mostly good kids, despite the boys with long hair & girls who couldn't or wouldn't say no. We lived all over the county, from Titusville to Palm Bay, and traveled to each other for live music, parties, and the godforsaken live weekly sing-along’s to the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

My young adulthood continued to be full of missteps (heh) and ill-fitting choices. I moved a lot after senior year, briefly relocating back to Brevard County out of desperation a few times until my early 20's when I finally seemed free of Florida. 


I came back to the state in 2005, this time to Tampa, and was distraught to be here because of what Florida represented to me: Fake lawns, friends and cold air and overpriced, manufactured happiness. Still at least it wasn't Brevard.


Tampa was by far a better fit than even Seattle had been for me. It was a place I could get my arms around, not too overwhelming like larger cities, with lots of like-minded folks.

I'd occasionally drive over to Brevard to see family and friends, and I came to appreciate the place, especially its beaches, definitely among my favorite in the country.

Yet I skipped my 10 year reunion a few years ago; the trauma of that one year of high school still hadn't left me. Also I felt I hadn't connected well enough with my classmates to make it worth going.

This past weekend at a wedding in Cocoa though, that all changed. There were a lot of former friends and frenemies from that old circle. We're still musicians and artists and writers despite the hardships of reality & making rent, and all grown up. I’m exponentially nicer, if only because of improved self esteem. I even re-bonded with the one guy in our group who ran off to get his MBA and went on to work for a big corporate bank. Opening one’s mind is so lovely. You can’t be much of a do-gooder unless you do.

Guest Author: Ellen Mueller

"I don't know anything about art, but I know what I like" - Gelett Burgess

Me too, Gelett. And I like art that is playful, surprising and encourages interactivity, which is why my favorite artist is Ellen Mueller. I've had the pleasure and privilege of working under the direction of Ellen three times ("Complete With Illustrated Manual", "1st Annual Black & White Sustainability Mixer & Recognition Ceremony" and "The Waiting Room"), and each time, I had no idea where we were going but I knew it would be fun getting there. You can visit her web site at EllenMueller.com and her blog "Tracking An Artist". As far as I can tell, Ellen is travelling the world right now (I still have no idea where she's going). Some of her work will be on display at the Freyberger Gallery on the Penn State Berks campus in Reading, Pennsylvania from November 6th through December 15th. Also, this is another way she's spending her time these days...

So, what is an artist to do once they've left the confines of a school setting? How do they keep themselves motivated and pushing forward into new territory in the absence of assignments and homework? One answer: Postal Art Exchanges! These are small expressions (confined to the space of a postcard), that can help an artist push through a block or more deeply explore a theme. The attached images are ones I recently put together for an exchange. I recommend the practice. Email some artist friends, set a mailing deadline, and go!

A close call

Judge Holder: Not even slightly amused.

I'm breathing easier right now than I was this morning. 

A few weeks ago I received a very official looking envelope. Inside was an "ORDER TO SHOW CAUSE" which read 

"YOU ARE HEREBY ORDERED TO APPEAR before this Court to give any legal reason why this Court should not find you guilty of a violation of Florida Statute 40.23 and/or guilty of indirect criminal contempt for attempting to impair, hinder or obstruct the court in the administration of justice, or to lessen its authority or its dignity..."

Huh? Who, me?

It went on to say:

"...and as grounds therefore does allege the following:

1. Defendant (I'm a Defendant? I have to Defend myself?!?) was lawfully summoned to report for jury duty on Monday, October 3, 2011.
2. Defendant failed to appear for jury duty as required on Monday, October 3, 2011.

It is therefore ORDERED AND ADJUDGED that CLARK BROOKS (Ohmygod, I'm a  Defendant!!) is to APPEAR before Judge Gregory P. Holder on November 4, 2011...to be arraigned and then and there to show cause why he/she should not be held in and punished for violation of Florida Statute 40.23 and/or indirect contempt of Court."

Holy...!!

Here's the thing: I never received the original summons. Why I received this one and not the original is a question I can't answer. I live in a large apartment complex and our mail getting mixed up is not an uncommon occurrence. For all I know, it's sitting there right now in some vacant apartment's mail slot. I have two envelopes for paychecks covered with all kinds of postal stickers and hand-stamps that didn't find their way to me in a timely fashion that I brought with me as evidence. As flimsy as that is, it's all I really had. That, and my personal integrity, for what that's worth. The fact of the matter is, I'm the son of a policeman who instilled in me at a very early age the importance of the criminal justice system in our society. I'm a veteran of the military. I've voted in every election I've been eligible for since I was able to vote. And I've responded to every jury summons I've ever received. The one time I was actually selected, I served as Foreman in a criminal trial that last two days. I actually kind of enjoy participating in the process and consider it a privilege to do so. In fact my first reaction upon opening the envelope (well, second reaction, after freaking the freak out) was disappointment over missing the opportunity to serve. Seriously. Maybe that makes me a weirdo but so be it. 

I also know that being excused from jury duty is one of the easiest things to do and there are all kinds of legitimate ways to go about that. I've never done it but I know it doesn't take much. My point being that, all kidding aside, I take my civic responsibilities very seriously and I do my best to be a good citizen. And at the very, very least, I'm smart enough to not try to avoid something like this by simply blowing it off. Need further proof? Hell, just hunt around this very blog a little and you should have no trouble finding instances where I've happily documented worse/dumber things that I've done.

I was prepared to share all of that (minus the blog plug, maybe) with the Court this morning when I found myself in the company of hundreds of people who were there for the same reason. Apparently, close to 400 people didn't show up on October 3rd and most of them, including me, hadn't been properly excused. So there were 246 of us sitting in the courtroom at 8:30 this morning. I don't know if everybody had as much anxiety around it as I did, but I came in after several days of dread and anxiety and one completely sleepless night. As we sat there waiting for Judge Holder to enter, I picked up bits and pieces of conversation floating around me, none of which made me feel any better...

"...$100 fine..."

"...six months in jail..."

"...take you into custody, right on the spot..."

"...why yes, they are real..." Wait a minute, who said that?

Judge Holder entered, we did the Pledge of Allegiance and then he called up a guy on the list. Someone (not the guy, according to the guy) had called in on his behalf and said he should be excused because he's in the military...except he's not. Judge Holder ripped the guy up one side and down the other, detailing his own military service, that of his wife, his son and several other members of the Court. When he was done, he told what was left of the guy to sit down.

Me (silently, to myself): "Ooooohhhhhhhh, sssshhhhhhiiiiii..."

At that point, I was certain I was going to jail. No way was he going to buy my lame-but-true story. Immediately, my mind started racing: Who could I call to bail me out? Would I lose my job? Would I be in the paper? On tv? Would I need to challenge the biggest, baddest dude in the jail to a fight? I don't know how to make a shank OR toilet wine!

Luckily, right after that things settled down. Here's an account of what happened next from TBO.com:

Then Holder told James Johnson of Tampa to stand. Johnson had come to court with an attorney.
"I don't have a good excuse," Johnson said. "I forgot."
"At least you're honest enough to admit it," Holder said.
Holder asked how many of the failed jurors had forgotten to appear Oct. 3. Many raised their hands.
"I understand," said Holder, a judge for 17 years.
Nearly 400 jurors hadn't shown up Oct. 3, but many called with legitimate excuses and weren't required to come to court today.
Holder told the others that courts work to ensure people's rights are protected. Courts work to protect the community, he said.
People fight and die every day defending Constitutional freedom, he said.
"We rely upon you men and women to come into court for a brief period of time," he said. "We try to be efficient with respect to your time … This is your courthouse. You built it with your tax dollars."
Though some trials can last for weeks, Holder said he recently tried two jury trials in one week.
"We've become a McDonald's world," he said. "We want it our way.
"But folks, this country asks very little of you. The state asks very little of you. Vote and serve on juries."
Holder said he would like to improve the process for jury management. He wants the court system to send a response back letting people know when they are, in fact, excused from duty.
One juror told the judge she had changed her name and the court system had mailed her jury summons to the incorrect address.
Holder ordered those with identification with the wrong address on it to alert the Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles.
Another juror asked Holder if juror names come from voting records or driving records. He told her it hasn't been voting records for years; those rules were changed years ago to driving records so juries aren't comprised of "all elderly white folks."
Toward the end of his speech, Holder told the failed jurors that their punishment had been to come to court and listen to him.
He asked them if they wanted to go to jail.
They said no.
Asking if they wanted to reconsider, he said, "I did check. The menu includes bologna sandwiches and cheese."
Holder asked how many of the jurors would volunteer to serve on juries again.
They all raised their hands.
"I guarantee you you will be summoned," he said.

I guarantee you I will be checking my mail three times a day between now and then.

Guest Author: John Fontana

John "Johnny Fonts" Fontana is one of the managing editors at Raw Charge.com, and is, in effect, my boss. Even if he weren't, I'd still be inclined to say good things about him. He's been covering the NHL's Tampa Bay Lightning for over seven years now but I've only been a high-maintenance pain in his ass for the last year and a half so we're still in the honeymoon phase. It helps that we have things in common, such as an appreciation for the Beatles and of course, Lightning hockey. And as bloggers who function both in and outside of the mainstream media, we both like to keep our eyes on trends taking place in the media. Here are some thoughts from John in the wake of the Tampa Tribune announcing that they are on the verge of cutting more costs, which means laying off even more staff.

I don’t know much of the long-time history of the Tampa Tribune. I have heard about days of yore when the Trib was a broader newspaper that reached out to more people across the region. There was a time when it was a force, when it’s writers and personalities held sway in both local and state happenings.



Of course, times have changed. The entire media landscape has changed. The common response when talking about print media troubles usually sounds like, “What’s a newspaper?”


The history of the Tampa Tribune that I’ve seen unfold before me over the past decade is the Tribune – with thanks to the influence of it’s corporate parent, Media General – and affiliated entities tied to it, cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut and cut some more. The cuts, early on, were fed to customers with the reasoning In Order To Serve You Better.


The only thing that the Tribune, WFLA TV, TBO.com (and other properties) are serving through substantial, repetive cuts in staff and coverage, is the corporate bottom line.


Richmond, Virginia based Media General has cooked up yet another restructuring in Tampa this week, because the last In Order To Serve You Better didn’t quite work out. Several of the head cheeses at the Media Center in downtown Tampa have been “re-assigned” (nicey-nice speak for shit-canned) in a falling-upwards kind of fashion that reminds me of politics of the recent past: You screw up, you get commended and potentially a medal because you did what was asked of you, even if it didn’t work.


With WFLA’s influence in local TV on the wane, with the Tribune’s cost-cutting antics destroying coverage and circulation, and with TBO’s inept layout that hides content and limits it’s exposure (and potential page views)… Well, this ain’t exactly serving anyone better except corporate management’s whims.


And while another truffle shuffle of corporate big wigs takes place, the promise of more staff cuts looms. I’m mortified at the thought of what cutbacks and layoffs are to come. The Tampa Tribune, WFLA, TBO, and all other parties tied to Media General’s interests in Tampa have been nipped and tucked so many times over the past decade that… Hell, I don’t even have a comparison to make.


Former editor Denise Palmer was throwing around the word Hyper-local during the last revamp and restructuring of the Tampa Tribune and Media Center operations. Now? A memo informing employees of the staff changes this week said focus should be on “the core market” where most of the circulation is based. In laymans terms, in order to serve themselves better, the plan is to focus on Tampa alone and stress where they sell the most newspapers. They just said it this time without buzzwords.


In essence, Media General’s plan is to make sure the Tampa Tribune and Media Center operations further contract to small-time status, comparable to other assets owned in the south by the company – small market TV stations and newspapers.


Is that really the wisest course of action in the 14th ranked media market in America?


For a long time, the wisest thing Media General could have done for itself would have been to dump what was once known as their “crown jewel” in the Tampa Tribune/WFLA/TBO property, not because it was junk but because it held value while the company didn’t know how to effectively manage it. That’s still the best course of action. The region is too big for rinky-dink direction.


Of course, no one is buying newspapers these days – that’s the rub. Someone would have to go out on a limb to make an investment in a property like the Media Center and it’s media entities within.


Whatever the case, I’m most worried about the staff that remains on right now at the Media Center. Everything is once again on the chopping block In Order To Serve You Better. And good employees will once again be sent packing with cuts because management doesn’t have a clue what to do besides contract a major metropolitain news organization into a neighborhood leaflet.

Guest Author: Julia Gorzka Freeman

Today's submission is an invitation to what sounds like a pretty cool event, forwarded to us from someone who's tapped into all the cool happenings in Tampa Bay, Julia Gorzka Freeman. You can visit her website at www.juliagorzka.com. She's one of the most genuinely nice people I know and once you're connected to Julia, you're pretty much connected to everybody.


Ruby C. Williams Annual Gathering
Saturday, November 5th * 11:00 a.m.
Ruby hosts an Annual Gathering at her fruit and vegetable stand in Plant City where she puts together a program thanking God for her year and harvest, singing hymns, enjoying speakers and feeding the masses. She spends days cooking BBQ ribs and chicken, greens, squash, cornbread and other farm-rich southern comfort food! The program and the food are all complimentary but donations are appreciated, plus there will be art and farm-fresh produce for salse, so bring some cash.
Here's a note from Ruby:

"We are asking each of you to please bring a fan, a friend, or family member. We will be giving away great art and this will contribute to help me fund the gallery we need to repair a place to put the art. Our plan is to set The Art Haven up outside with lot of good art. etc Plenty of Fresh Farm Food this year from Ruby. Our farm goal is $10,000 now and in a few more month we will Fund Drive to raise more. It good that people want us to keep the old stand. (smile) But it need work now Free dinner after program All you can eat fresh vegetables Love Ruby C."



There's more info about Ruby at her web site

Ruby's Annual Gathering, 15th Anniversary

Nov 5, 2011 * 11:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m.

2001 Highway 60 E. Plant City FL 33567