Friday, April 29, 2011

Interview: Jeremy Gloff

If you like your music to serve up joy and pain, love and anger in the form of broadly generic and easily digestible songs to which we can all relate, singer/songwriter Jeremy Gloff may not be for you. His songs say, "Yeah, I don't know about you but this is how I'm feeling." So it's fitting that his newest album is titled THIS. Gloff, originally from New York is now living and working here in Tampa where he is a columnist ("Cynical and Southern") for in addition to being a prolific musician. He will be celebrating the release of THIS, his 17th album, with a party at The Social Club in Ybor City on May 9th (info below). He graciously took time out of his very busy schedule to answer some questions for this blog...

You refer to THIS as a comeback; where were you?
After feeling really bad about the world for a couple years (and one album) I’ve returned full throttle and I’m ready to do THIS.

What's your approach to recording and releasing a new album? Is it when you have a statement to make or when you have a collection of songs you want to get out?
It’s as if there’s a silent timer going off that dings when it’s time to make a new just KNOW. A collection of songs just hovers around and announces that there are no more songs to be written, and it’s time to make that album. It’s a rather expensive announcement.

What statement are you making with THIS?
Oh, THIS is what it is.

Is the album still a viable means of making a musical/artistic statement or is that a thing of the past?
I believe it is a thing of the past. It seems things have gone full circle. In the 1950s it was a singles market and once again all these years later it’s a single market. In keeping my arty outcast leanings I’m still of the school that an album is an ALBUM. I believe the album is still a wonderful means of artistic statemnt. I also believe that a lot less people pay attention than they once may have.

The collapse of the recording industry as it existed for decades: ultimately good or bad for artists?
I think the oversaturation of grass-roots artists makes it super hard to stand out these days. Everyone has their generic professional bios and Myspace pages. I also think that labels don’t spend the time and money to cultivate long-term careers for the artists on their roster. The song was called “drop it like it’s hot” but in the industry, they drop ‘em when they’re not hot.

You recently made your old albums available for sale on a "pay-what-you-will" basis. How did that work out?
I made a few extra bucks and I made more room in my closet.

You've lived all over the place; does where you are geographically influence your songwriting? Are there songs you've written in Tampa that couldn't have possibly been written in New York, and vice-versa?
I do wonder what kind of songs I would have written if I ended up living in San Francisco. Tampa is inspiring in a strange way. Tampa is like the weird kid stuck in the back of the classroom. Tampa is the kid who doesn’t have the coolest clothes, the best grades, or the most impressive collection of books by trendy authors. But Tampa is one hell of an interesting kid if you sit down and talk to him.

If Tampa was in The Breakfast Club...
You've expressed frustration with the arts and culture scenes in Tampa and your attempts to make changes. Do you hold out any hope that things could change or are you resigned to accepting it for what it is...and isn’t?
I certainly got bored with trying to make a difference around here. I have kick-ass friends and cheap rent. I throw some fun shows here and there. It would be easier to open a nun’s legs than to open the minds of some of the people in power around here. That said, there’s really super, super rad people creating and operating out of this area. And then there’s some really, really shameful buddy system, closed-minded bullshit too. Like anywhere, maybe. But probably a little bit worse.

I’m incredibly envious of the fact that you’ve met and hung out with one of my all-time favorite people and artists, Jill Jones. Tell me something that will make me even more envious, please.
I was a fan of Jill’s growing up but when we met it as if we were always kindred spirits. Last time I was in NY we wrote two wonderful songs together and shared a meal of chicken parm sandwiches. Jill’s daughter co-wrote “Back & Forth” with me on THIS. Jill is one of the easiest people I’ve ever written songs with. It’s as if our hearts beat in the same way.

How can we get her to come to Tampa and take her out for dinner to the Columbia or some less-touristy place?
Jill is always one to defy expectation. Now that she is in L.A. I see less of a chance of her making it down here unfortunately.
Hmm, she defies expectations and Gloffy's
expectation is that she's not likely to visit.
I see what he did there.
So are we (gays & straights) cool now? It seems like there's a healthier level of acceptance than there used to be, aside from the extremist knuckleheads who don't want to get along with anybody, of course. Or am I wrong and there's still considerable progress to be made before we can all feel good about it?
I think living in Tampa is sort of like being in a safe bubble. In my 12 years of living here I’ve never had ONE homophobic slur said to me. I know the rest of the world isn’t as friendly. That said, I do think the lines have been lightened a little. Thankfully. Intolerance is just plain old dumb.

Are you looking forward to saying "'THIS is my new album" and having Abbott & Costello-style "Who's On First?" hilarity ensue?
You can bet your life on THIS.
"THIS is not your new album. THIS is Jeremy Gloff's new album."
Monday, May 9th * 9:00 PM
The Social Club, Ybor City
1909 N.15th Street
Tampa, FL

"Square One presents JEREMY GLOFF'S THIS Album Release Party & Show
featuring special appearances by Shunda K, MACAViTi, Anye Cole & more
Music by DJ Sirius

Purchase your copy of THIS, the comeback album from Tampa superstar Jeremy Gloff, for $5 night of show.


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Doctors probably get bored too

"Science is whatever we want it to be"
The other day, a friend was experiencing some upper respiratory discomfort and went to the doctor, where she received the following diagnosis:

"Your right lung doesn't sound good and you're hungry."
That means one of two things:
  1. She was assembled incorrectly
  2. Her doctor was trying to be clever
I'm guessing it's the second one. I don't doubt for a minute that doctors get as bored with the day-to-day routine of their profession as anybody else does with theirs. Sure, they make good money and a career in the healthcare field, particularly as a practitioner of medicine, has got to be fulfilling work above and beyond the monetary rewards. But you can only look at so many lungs, stomachs, elbows, hoo-hahs and neeners (and vaginas and penises too) before everything blurs together into one, big, fleshy pile of tedium. Who could blame them if they thought their lives would be less monotonous if they were more like Hugh Laurie as 'House' (a character who clearly wishes he was more like Sherlock Holmes) and wowing their patients with amazing medical sleight-of-hand and derring-do:
"Your right lung doesn't sound good and you're hungry."
"Wow, Dr. Science! I have been coughing and feeling congested. But how did you know I haven't eaten in over six hours?"
"Why, it's actually quite simple, you dullard. The stethoscope is a highly-sensitive listening device. With it, I was able to not only hear a rattling in your lung but also a faint borborygmi emanating from your digestive tract."
"Your tummy is grumbling."
"That! Is mind-blowing!!"
"Well, as I said, it's actually quite simple...if you're a doctor, of course (chuckles)."
"I'm not though. I don't even know how a Frisbee works. So, when you say my right lung doesn't 'sound good', what does that mean in layman's terms?"
"Well, are you familiar with music, and how music is generally pleasant sounding? Something that most people enjoy?"
"Yes, yes I am."
"Well, the sound I heard from your right lung was like the opposite of music in that it was unpleasant. I didn't enjoy it. At all."
"That sounds serious."
"It is. It's very serious. I don't like things that I don't enjoy."
"So what am I gonna do?"
"I will prescribe for you some medicine and a cheeseburger."
"Oh thank you, Dr. Science! Thank you for flying in from Science Island, where you are king of the other scientists, and saving my life. Twice!"
"You're welcome. Now, give me more money than you have."
"Will do!"

Monday, April 25, 2011

I get a _ick out of you

The ancient art of kickboxing (also known as the ancient art of kicking) has been adapted as a form of personal exercise regimen. I knew that before I saw this sign...which is good, because this sign confuses the living daylights out of me.
Just exactly how am I supposed to read this? Clearly, the kickboxers (aka kickers) shown here are supposed to represent letters, but what letters? Are they C's, making it Cardio Cickboxing or are they K's to spell out Kardio Kickboxing? They can't be both; they're the same character and that just doesn't make any sense at all.
It says "Clark". Can't you read?

The bigger problem is that they don't look at all like a C or a K. If anything, they look like a T (Tardio Tickboxing?) or maybe, if you squint, a Y (Yardio Yickboxing). Ridiculous. If there are any kickboxing enthusiasts (aka people who like to kick) out there who know what's going on, please enlighten me. Thanks.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Who REALLY loves me?

I received an email the other day with this title on it:
"We Love!"
Love? Me (well, my blog; same thing)? Heck yes I'm gonna open THAT up! This is what I found inside (madlibbed so as to hide identities of companies and individuals):
Dear Clark Brooks,

My name is (a person) from (a company). We have a client who would like to pay you for the opportunity to post some of their content on your website. All of the content is professionally produced and you can select from pieces relevant to your audience.
The result is you get some free, interesting content for your readers while getting paid.
In return our client is asking for one link that they specify at the bottom of the content (no porn or gambling). Feel free to contact me with any concerns or clarifications you may have.
If you would like to see some examples of our content, please email me at (a name)@(a domain) so we can begin.
(a person), (a title) - (a company)
Aw, that ain't love! Paid advertsing content on my site? Sounds like a Blogfomercial. And interesting? Why on earth would I want to start serving that up? Slippery slope at best, unnecessarily raised expectations at worst.
So that made me wonder where I can find the real love and like I would with any other pursuit, I turned to the internet. Specifically, the various sites, social or otherwise, where, like at "Cheers", everybody (well, somebody) knows my name.

"Carl! err, Chuck...or Clark. Whatever."

FACEBOOK - The current counter says I have 535 "friends". There's been lots of talk about sites like Facebook have devalued the word "friend", considering that most people who are "friends" on Facebook never meet or even communicate directly with one another. Obviously, I can't name all 535 of my Facebook "friends" and will probably never meet many of them. I will say that I've met quite a few of those people in person or at least corresponded with them. You know what really devalued the word "friends"? The show "Friends", that's what.

Jesus, seriously?
TWITTER - On Twitter, you have followers, not "friends". Currently, I follow 1073 people and have 818 followers. The repressed cult leader in me likes that. A lot. Yes, that's it followers. Follow me.

"Because my robe has a sash, that's why I'm in charge"
MYSPACE - Before there was Facebook, there was MySpace. Now, it's like the old mall on the edge of town that you thought closed years ago but is still open even though it appears that they don't bother taking down the Christmas decorations and the only stores that are open inside are a bookstore where everything is in Korean and a haunted Orange Julius. I have 99 MySpace friends and haven't gotten a message there since February, 2010. I did meet some cool people there...who are all now on Facebook.

Has anybody seen my friends? Hello?
LINKEDIN - This a business networking site. I don't believe I have ever gotten any work from it though. I have 103 "connections". Funny story: for the longest time, I thought it was pronounced "Link-uh-din". Excuse me for not knowing immediately it was "Linked In" and not some made-up internet word like Google or eBay or  DotCom. Shut up.

IMDB.COM - I'm not sure I flog this enough; I am EXTREMELY proud to be listed on The Internet Movie Database, along with (insert name of any and every movie star, director or producer ever) as a result of my work on "Ten at the Top in Tampa Bay" and I should devote huge chunks of my day, every day, to telling people about it. When I get old, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

"That's right, kids. Your ol' granddad helped make a movie about ladies in the government!"
On the IMDB, you don't have friends, followers or connections, you have a STARmeter to measure your popularity (that's so Hollywood!) and currently, my STARmeter says...holy crap, I'm "up 240%"! How does that happen? Love, that's how! Is that even mathematically possible? Ha! True love knows no logical boundaries (and what's more logical than basic math?) and that's something that those who are quick to issue restraining orders should keep in mind.
At long last, LOVE!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Lackluster Video

Looks like Blockbuster is going el foldo. Pictured here is the store closest to where I live and it's already gutted. 
People younger than a certain age won't remember this but there was a time when video stores were very small, about a tenth of the size of a typical Blockbuster store. They were independently owned and operated, mom-&-pop, small businesses located in neighborhood strip malls. They usually only had one cassette of any movie in their inventory and new releases were extremely difficult to get your hands on. If you wanted to see the latest installment in the "Lethal Weapon" franchise, you either had to be lucky enough to be in the store when somebody returned it or put your name on a waiting list. Otherwise, you were taking "Animal House" or "Raiders of the Lost Ark" home. Again. You had a limited time that you were allowed to keep a movie out on rental and they imposed late fees if you didn't return them on time. They also got very grumpy if you didn't rewind the cassette and some places implemented fines for that as well.
Then one day Blockbuster showed up and didn't have any of those problems. Shortly after that, as in practically overnight, the mom-&-pops were history.
Now, you might read that and say, "Good! Sounds like the mom-&-pops weren't that efficient and Blockbuster found a way to come in and do the job better. The mom-&-pops deserved to fail and Blockbuster deserved to succeed." And you'd be correct. But then you take a look around you now and see vending kiosks at every convenience store and the immediate availability of digital media that doesn't even require leaving the house and you say the same thing about Blockbuster. And if you owned and operated an independent video store in the '80s you also say, "what goes around comes around, bitches".  

Monday, April 18, 2011

Clothes make the man

Time to find a new thang
From the Charlotte Observer (Charlotte, NC) -
"A robbery suspect is in jail after a T-shirt with his photo on it was found outside a home police say he robbed last week...The black T-shirt showed a photo - apparently a mug shot - of a young man and read 'Making money is my thang.' The victim realized the photo was of the man who had just robbed him, police said."
First off, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Secondly, how does something like this happen?
Thirdly, I think I know how something like this happens...

"Good afternoon. Welcome to Thee Fancy Tee Shirt Shoppe. How may I help you?"
"Good day, sir. I am seeking to promote myself and my endeavors and I would like to do so with a garment that makes a bold statement. Specifically, a garment with a picture of my own face on it."
"In that case, you have made two wise choices, my friend. One, in thinking up such a brilliant idea and another in coming here to make it a reality!"
"Thank you! I brought along the photo I'd like to use."
"This appears to be a police mug shot."
"It is a police mug shot, yes."
"I've got other photographs of myself, sure. But I just really like this one. I don't know why exactly. I think they really captured the real me."
"So to speak."
"Of course."
"Well, it definitely sends a message."
"I concur! That is exactly what I was thinking!"
"When I look at this picture, I think, 'this guy is aggressive, he's got style, he's a go-getter, he's heading to the top'."
"That is precisely the image I'm seeking to portray."
"This picture definitely goes a long way in establishing that. But might I make a suggestion?"
"By all means. I trust your expertise implicitly."
"I think a caption would set the photo off nicely. Perhaps a motto."
"A mission statement of sorts?"
"Yes, exactly. A brief summary of your principles and ideals. Like 'SEIZE THE DAY' or 'WINNING'."
"Hmm, I'd kind of like it to be something classy..."
"Oh, classy! Well, in that case, how about 'MAKING MONEY IS MY THING'?"
"That's good. That's very, very good. But can you make it 'THANG' instead? Sometimes, I like to show a bit of panache by adding some 'street' patois."
"Excellent idea, sir! A dash of urban √©lan will really make this T-shirt stand out! I'll have it for you in about an hour. Shall I box it for you or will you be wearing it out?"
"Neither. I'm just going to carry it with me when I go to, uh, work."

I just hope when they arrested him, they gave him the shirt back so he could be photographed wearing a shirt with a picture of his mug shot in a mug shot and that the same thing happens three or four times, resulting in a mind-blowingly awesome T-shirt.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Relay wrap-up, 2011

Another year, another Temple Terrace Relay For Life is in the books. Aside from the already-well-chronicled details of my own campaign (aka Muffinquest), my team, Team Daddy-O Alley Katz, raised over $11,000.00 (2nd overall behind the incredible Team Go Go), part of a combined Temple Terrace Relay total of $113,000.00, including $20,000.00 at the event itself, all to benefit the American Cancer Society. After a night of good times, including having way more fun with a laser pointer than anybody who is not a cat or over the age of 12 should have (if you were there and participated in the 11:00 PM Zumba session, there's a better than good chance that you had a little red dot on your butt at some point, for which I make no apologies; we're fighting cancer, damn it), celebrating, remembering and fighting back, I am beat. But I feel good about it. Of course, once again we all want to thank everyone involved: organizers, sponsors, teammates, supporters, "competitors" (especially Team Go Go; we love you guys) and most of all, donors. Because that's what it's all about. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Here are some pictures from this year's event...
This is us, the 2011 edition of Team Daddy-O Alley Katz, posing in front of our campsite...

...and this is what happens to us every year when Team Go Go decides they've had enough of seeing us occupying their seat in first place.

Team Daddy-O cancer survivors

This year's "Cancer Sucks" box


Relay super heroes

Don't ask, it's a Relay thing. That shirt is hilarious even when nobody is wearing it.

Team Go Go "arrested" me and I questioned the validity of their law enforcement accreditations.
And yes, I am over 7' tall.

(Special thanks to Kelly Hickman for the photos.)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Muffinquest: We did it!

They're real and they're amazing.
Rather, YOU did it.
Some time shortly before 7:00 PM last night, with people already present at Tre Amici @ The Bunker for an unveiling party for a muffin that may or may not need to be named, we counted the pennies at the bottom of a donation can and somehow ended up with the figure of $1,502.35 (FYI: about $1100 of that came in during the last 36 hours or so).
The dream of a Clark Muffin was a reality, by a margin of $2.35. Shortly after a tray of fresh-from-the-oven blueberry and white chocolate muffins (now known as Clarks) was passed around for the multitudes to sample, I addressed the throngs with the following remarks:
"When this campaign began, I had hoped to stand before you today in the pantheon of legendary individuals that have been immortalized by having something edible named after them. However, since Tampa is apparently all out of pantheons, I am standing before you in this coffee shop instead. But I was inspired by the greats who came before me, people who could say EAT ME and not upset anyone. I mean people like Tampa's own T. Hampton Dohrman who has a sandwich named in his honor at this very establishment, Woody Allen who has one named after him at New York's famed Carnegie Deli and of course, Alfredo Fettucine who has a presence at every Olive Garden in the world. I thin k it was the great Dr. Martin Ala King who said, "I have a dream". Well, I have a dream too. It usually involves women in nurse uniforms chasing me with these gigantic thermometers but that's not important now. What is important is that due to the acheivement of reaching my goal ogf $1500.00 for Relay For Life in the fight against cancer, the management of Tre Amici @ The Bunker have seen fit to honor this accomplishment by naming a muffin after me. Which is a total rip-off as far as you're concerned, because you, if you donated, actually paid for it."
And that last part is the most important and it's true: it's not anything I did, it's something you did. My only role was to try to wrap some silliness around the act of rasing funds to fight a horrible disease, hopefully providing some entertainment in the process. I couldn't be more in awe over how so many people stepped up and offered so much. I have a buttload of thank you notes to send out (if you haven't gotten one yet, you will; if you have, you'll probably get another, just so I make sure I don't forget anyone) and I will be getting to that task in the next day or so. Right now, I do need to single out Jessie Stehlik and her staff at Tre Amici (in particular, baking genius Victoria Boukalis) for not only indulging the silliness in the first place but for actually getting hands-on involved in the dirty work. This literally could not have happened without her and them. Look past the nonsense and it's a good thing you all accomplished and you should feel good about it.

So what's next? Well, I'm exhausted and the actual event of Relay For Life doesn't even happen until tomorrow. Then there's the thank yous, plus I still have to do a drawing to see who won a gift basket of the things. I also still owe Marissa and a few others their own dedicated blog posts. Don't forget that I have to find time to do my actual jobs and I still don't have a car. And not the least of matters is the fact that I'm really looking forward to going at least a month without typing the word "muffin". So with all that, I can't even think about getting involved in any goofy schemes. Maybe I'll just shut things down for a while and quietly sink beneath the waves, so to speak.

Then again, when does voting for Creative Loafing's "Best of the Bay" awards start...?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Muffin update: party at The Bunker, tonight!

Muffinquest: The Big Finish

Wednesday, April 13 · 7:00pm

1907 N. 19th Street
Tampa, FL

Bring your family. Bring your friends. Wear something purple.
Be there tonight when we hit the magic number of $1500 raised in the battle against cancer and unveil the latest addition to the menu at Tre Amici.
Let's have some fun.

100% of all proceeds benefit the American Cancer Society, via Team Daddy-O Alley Katz, a team participating in the Temple Terrace Relay For Life

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,
Tampa, FL, 33614

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Muffin update: My big ask

When it comes to fundraising, you can be as (so-called) cute and (so-called) clever as you want, but when the rubber meets the road, you're just going to need to ask your friends to give you some money. That's where we are in the campaign right now and so that's what I did last night.

"As you may or may not know, I’m involved as a participant in the American Cancer Society’s Relay For Life fundraiser. Although I try to go about it in a lighthearted manner, it is something I take seriously. As such, you can either read all the silliness I’ve put into this year’s campaign (which involves coercing a local restaurant into naming something…a muffin…after me) by going to my blog. Or you can just read and respond to this note, the one and only pitch I will make to you.

I’m about $1100 short of my personal goal of $1500 right now. But if 110 of you could manage to donate just $10, we could knock that out, no problem. Or if 11 of you wanted to donate $100, that would be fine too. Even better, if one person wants to be a hero and donate $1100, we’ll be all set. Although, knowing me and the way I am, I would probably come back next year and ask you to donate $2200 so maybe we should just leave that can unopened.

I know times are tough. I know you’re all busy. I know many of you have causes of your own (some of which I have supported…just sayin’). If you can’t make a donation for whatever reason, I understand completely and it’s no problem. If you can, it’s deeply appreciated. Like I said, this is a one-time thing and I promise I won’t bother you again (this year). It’s just that I wouldn’t be doing my job as a participant in this event if I didn’t at least ask, that’s all.
Thank you very much."

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:
3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,
Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.


Monday, April 11, 2011

Muffin update: stop the press!

"What's that, chief? Muffins?
Is this a joke? Say, what gives?"
The 2011 Relay is less than a week away (it's this Friday!) and the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici @ The Bunker is only a couple of days from now (it's this Wednesday!) so it's time to get serious and bring in the big guns: it's time to alert the mainstream media.
Below is a media advisory I whipped up and submitted to local (Tampa Bay) news agencies, specifically Creative Loafing, the St. Petersburg Times and the Tampa Tribune. If it shows up, I'll be (a little) amazed. If it doesn't, well, I'm not saying you should take their editorial policies as they pertain to the fight against cancer and naming muffins after people into consideration when deciding where to get your news, but I'm not sayng you shouldn't.

Ybor City Coffee Shop To Honor Local Man’s Fundraising Effort In The Fight Against Cancer With Eponymous Muffin

Tampa, Florida — Continuing a proud Tampa Bay tradition of naming stuff after people, such as the Selmon Crosstown Expressway (named after former Tampa Bay Buccaneer and NFL hall of famer Lee Roy Selmon) and McDonald’s restaurant (named after beloved and terrifying children’s entertainer Ronald McDonald), award winning coffee shop Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City will be naming a muffin after local activist, writer and general irritant Clark Brooks in honor of raising $1500.00 for the American Cancer Society on behalf of Team Daddy-O Alley Katz, a team participating in the Temple Terrace Relay For Life Event (April 15, Greco Middle School). It was originally going to be a sandwich, like the one named after local philanthropist and arts promoter T. Hampton Dohrman but it’s a muffin and that’s fine. Whatever. It will be unveiled to the public and tasted, ironically enough, at a special muffin unveiling/tasting ceremony and social mixer at Tres Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City this Wednesday night (April 13th) at 7:00 PM.

WHAT: The unveiling of a brand new menu item, a muffin named after Clark Brooks in honor of raising $1500.00 for the fight against cancer.

WHEN: Wednesday, April 13, 7:00 PM.

WHERE: Tre Amici @ The Ybor Bunker, 1907 19th Street, Tampa FL 33605

WHO: Clark Brooks, members of Team Daddy-O Alley Katz, Tre Amici management, guests, friends, family and assorted hipsters and hangers-on, the likes of which can be found frequenting establishments in Ybor City every day of the week.

For more information about the circumstances leading up to this event, visit

For more information regarding Tre Amici @ The Bunker, visit

For more information regarding the American Cancer Society’s Relay For Life (specifically, the Temple Terrace Relay) visit

You non-media types, don't let the hashmarks stop you from reading on...

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,
Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Muffin update: womb with a point of view

Since this is Florida, where gasoline would cost $1.50 a gallon if we could somehow transform the stupid things that happen on a regular and recurring basis right here in our backyards into some kind of energy source, the word "uterus" has been deemed inappropriate for use in certain conversations, particularly those taking place in the Florida House of Representatives. Frank Cerabino of the Palm Beach Post does a good job of explaining and ridiculing the situation (because honestly, how could anyone with a reasonably functional brain be expected to resist the temptation of doing one and not the other?).

Now, as for me, personally, I don't have a uterus...that I know of! Am I right folks?

Haw haw! Oh no he di'int!
 But If I did, I would expect to have the right to talk about it whenever and wherever I goddamn well please! Am I right or am I right, folks?
Yeah! Rawr! Yeah!!
After all, I talk about my testicles all the time. At work, in the library, at my grandmother's house, at your grandmother's house...

Um, you had us...
On the phone with you at 3:00AM when you think I've had too much to drink, but nope, I'm completely stone cold sober, just talking about my favorite subject: testicles. Specifically, my testicles. Wherever, whenever I goddamn well please. Well, guess what? Ladies don't even have testicles! Did you know that? I didn't. I do now though. I mean, I knew. Of course I knew. I just didn't think about it. Well, I'm thinking about it now. And so if I want to include ladies in the conversation about my testicles, it's only fair that I allow discussion of the female equivalent, the uterus. Am I right or am I 100% dead-solid on-the-money right, folks?
Okay. May have gotten a tad off course there.
Anyway, in conclusion, the Florida House of Representatives: what a bunch of scrotums.

Testicular Cancer and Uterine Cancer are no joke. Let's work together to wipe them, and all the others, out of existence.

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,
Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Muffin update: the war against the humorless continues

Remember when I posted this a week ago?
It was also posted at Tres Amici @ The Bunker, which is ground zero for this whole Muffinquest campaign. It was tacked up by the register next to a container into which people could place donations of spare change and such. Nice, old-fashioned, sort-of-panhandling-but-not-as-obnoxious, grass-roots fundraising right? Well, someone was offended. Not by the fundraising itself but by the verbiage used. Specifically the highlighted text in this passage:
"But what if he asked for help and no one did? What if they laughed and called him names and said that cancer was awesome and that they wouldn't give money?"
This is not the first time one of my anti-cancer screeds has offended someone (plus I didn't even write it, although I did like it. A lot.) so it doesn't bother me now. And in that case, it motivated others to take action, which means the end result was positive. But this time, the "offensive" material was removed and I don't think the plaintiff even made a donation, which I find far more offensive. So please pardon me while I address all the supposedly well-meaning people who are easily offended due to lacking either a sense of humor or ability to consider context or both. 

Hi. I don't want to upset you any more than you apparently already are but you need to know something about yourselves. And that is that you folks are a pain in the collective ass of society and the reason why the word "uterus" is a big deal on the floor of the Florida House of Representatives. You need to either lighten up a bit or put a little effort into figuring out what is meant by something that's said or written before you get yourself all worked up. Or in other words...
Of course, Johnny Cash sums it up better than I ever could.

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:
3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,
Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.

Friday, April 08, 2011

Muffin update: shop at Bealls!

Make a donation of only $3 to the American Cancer Society at Bealls and save 15% today and tomorrow!

And if for some weird reason you hate going to stores...

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:
3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,
Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Muffin update: something cool one of our local teams is doing

"I can't wait to look like Clark, Vinny!"
"Get out of the way! Me first, Marty!"
Here's something that Vinny Lecavalier, Marty St. Louis and other members of our beloved Tampa Bay Lightning have put together...

2011 Bright House Networks ‘Cut For A Cure’ event, presented by Carrabba’s Italian Grill

Thursday, April 7, 5:30PM at the Pepin Hospitality Centre

"Worldwide, more than 160,000 children are diagnosed with pediatric cancer each year. On April 7th, more than twenty Tampa Bay business leaders, media personalities and professional athletes, including Vinny Lecavalier of the Tampa Bay Lightning will be taking a big, if not bold, step forward to help curb this staggering statistic. They will be cutting it all off and shaving their heads in order to raise money to be donated to the Pediatric Cancer Foundation and the Vincent Lecavalier Pediatric Cancer & Blood Disorders Center at All Children’s Hospital.
By supporting them and their efforts “to go bald,” you are supporting medical research, programming and pediatric care for children and families battling pediatric cancer and blood disorders." --

Of course, I'm already bald. So if you wanna show a little love for a man and his muiffin...

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,
Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Muffin update: party, one week from tonight

Just a reminder...

Muffinquest: The Finish Line
Wednesday, April 13 · 7:00pm

1907 N. 19th Street
Tampa, FL

Be there and see if I reach my goal of $1,500.00 for the Temple Terrace Relay For Life, benefiting the American Cancer Society. If so, Tre Amici @ The Bunker will introduce a new menu item: a special edition muffin named after Yours Truly.

If not...well, I don't want to think about what might happen but there will undoubtedly be tremendous entertainment value in it. And guess what? We ain't there yet. Gulp!

Suggested donation: $1,000,000.00 (or whatever you can spare)

Bring your family. Bring your friends. Wear something purple.

100% of all proceeds benefit the American Cancer Society, via Team Daddy-O Alley Katz, a team participating in the Temple Terrace Relay For Life

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,
Tampa, FL, 33614

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

You can learn some things in less than five minutes

For example, Meat Loaf (the singer, not the entree*) is an asshole.

Yeah, I know. It's reality tv, edited for effect, etc. But if you're an adult and indulging in behavior that wouldn't be tolerated if you were five, such as wearing your shirt inside-out, throwing a tantrum over somebody taking your art supplies and then not apologizing to the person you accused when you find out they didn't, you're an asshole.
Of course, maybe it was justified; because of their passion, artistic geniuses are prone to tempermental outbursts. Mere mortals like us are not capable of understanding how their minds work. If Meat Loaf thought that Gary Busey had in any way hampered his grand vision of smearing a basketball with paint and dropping it on a sheet of paper, well god damn it, maybe he had it coming.

" now I'm the asshole?"

* If you've got some kind of "exotic" recipe for meatloaf that includes certain non-traditional ingredients, I don't want to know about it.