Friday, October 30, 2015

Happy "It Gets Dark At 6" Season!

Daylight Saving Time ends this weekend so as we do every year, we'll all be setting our clocks back one hour this Saturday night/early Sunday morning (well, most us will). Why, you wonder?

Because it's a symbolic, futile act of defiance against our impending mortality, the pretense that we can somehow exert a measure of control over the element of time and thus, our inevitable fate. The reality is that in spite of any of man's best efforts to the contrary, time marches ever forward, carrying us with it to the grave.

Or because Benjamin Franklin invented it for farmers. 

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Whom to hate THIS week (part 4): She Just Doesn't Get It edition

It's happened again, just as it will continue to happen for now and ever more...

  1. Someone does something mean/stupid/thoughtless
  2. Somebody on the internet finds out
  3. The entire internet reacts by focusing their scorn directly on that person...
  4. ...until somebody else comes along.
This week, it's Erika Escalante who did this...
Get it? She picked cotton. And with whom do we associate picking cotton? Exactly. 

As is standard practice every single time this happens, she got hammered on social media, she lost her job (actually an internship) and she apologized.
So far, so good. Of course, the hammering continued, because of course it did. Unfortunately, Erika hasn't handled that very well...
Uh-oh! This is dangerously close to the "I can't be racist because I too am a victim of racism" defense! Pull up, Erika! Pull up!


You lost me, Erika. I hung in as long as I could. But the "they do it, why can't I?" defense didn't work when you were five. Why do people think it should work as adults?

All right. We'll disregard the obvious typos. She's probably upset. But without the benefit of a degree in mathematics, I'm still pretty sure "donkey" isn't a number. If it is, I guess it equals 150. Still, it can be effectively argued that donkey years wasn't really that long ago. And it's not exactly fair for you to make a joke about something that happened donkey years ago and then tell people to "move on" if it bothers them because it happened donkey years ago. Also yeah, the crucifixion of Jesus, which happened about 13 donkey years ago, is still a pretty sensitive issue to Christians, since it's pretty much the focal point of the entire religion itself.
HINT: That's not 'T' for 'Texas'.

I guess the lesson we've learned this time is that if you ever find yourself on the wrong end of one of these deals, especially if you are actually wrong, your best bet might just be to shut up and take your lumps. Because if you're stupid enough to get yourself into trouble in the first place, you're probably not un-stupid enough to dig yourself out of it.

Monday, October 26, 2015

I hear things

I don't actively eavesdrop on people because that's rude but sometimes, for a variety of reasons, you can't help but hear other people's conversations.
This past Friday night, I was killing time at a coffee place and two older gentlemen were sitting near me. They had brown skin and spoke with an accent but I don't know where they're from. India, maybe? Honestly, I just don't know. As they were talking, I heard one of the men say what sounded to me like "velociraptor tarantula." This struck me as funny, even though it's probably at least a little bit racist on my part to take something from someone else's native language and translate it in my own head into a phrase that I find amusing, based on a slight resemblance to words I know in English.
Then I realized they WERE speaking English and that the man had in fact said "velociraptor tarantula". Now I feel good about not being a racist but I wish I had paid better attention to their conversation because I'm a little terrified.
It doesn't matter; we would lose.

Friday, October 23, 2015

This is what I'm having for lunch.

Look at this.
This bottle of green goo that looks like a witch's armpit sweat.
This is what I'm having for lunch.
I bought it, on purpose, of my own free will, with my own money.
I moved out of my parents house when I was 18, I served in the military and have purchased three different houses in my life.
Yet, this... this may be the most adult thing I have ever done.
See, there were other bottles next to this one. There was a Vanilla Chai Tea on one side and Salted Caramel Latte on the other. I intentionally reached for this one in the middle.
This is what I'm having for lunch.

Look at it!
What color is that?
It looks like the skin of a Frankenstein's monster that was left out in the rain for a couple of days before it got bored and wandered off into a swamp.
And I'm going to drink it for lunch.
"With what?", you ask. "A sandwich? Some chips? A candy bar?"
Nothing. Just this.
This is what I'm having for lunch.

Look at it!!
It has kale, spinach, cucumbers and romaine lettuce. Apparently those things contain every alphabetic vitamin, including sub-genres, "plus a touch of lemon to brighten things up".
It looks like the supervisor at Bolthouse Farms said "is there any possible way we can make it look just a little less like diarrhea from a baby goat?" and the staff replied, "no."
It's got 90 calories, zero fat. zero cholesterol, 65mg of sodium. 350mg of potassium, 23g of total carbohydrates and 1g of protein.
I fully expect it to taste like sewer runoff that accumulated at that spot near the river where those kids found a dead body once.
Because I'm an adult now and it's good for me. I guess.
This is what I'm having for lunch.

UPDATE: Huh. It actually wasn't bad at all. In fact, I liked it. This is what I'll have for lunch again soon.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Sometimes there are limits to how much you can complain

The other night I met this guy and he was complaining about his current lot in life. That being, he had paid off his mortgage a few years ago but now his wife wanted to move and he didn't want to. I listened for a while because venting about something that sucks, and having to deal with taking on a new mortgage and uprooting your home certainly sucks, but it became obvious that he wanted a certain level of sympathy for being a victim and I'm sorry (not sorry), he's simply not entitled to that.
"I don't mean to sound unsympathetic to your plight, but I mostly am so screw it, I do mean to sound that way."
"You don't think I'm a victim here? My wife is making me do something I don't want to do."
"As a U.S. citizen over the age of 18, there are very few things anyone can 'make' you do."
"I have no choice in the matter!"
"Of course you do. You always have a choice. If you make this move, that's the choice you're making."
"So I can either move or divorce the woman I've been married to for more than 30 years. What kind of choice is that?"
"It's a shitty choice. No question about that. And you deserve a certain amount of sympathy for having to make it but it ends there."
"I think you're wrong. You do not always have a choice. What is someone has a gun to your head and tells you to do something you don't want to do?"
"That's also a shitty choice but you can always refuse and get shot in the head."
"That's not a choice!"
"Of course it is! You have two options and you have to pick one. That's what choosing is. Again, nobody says any of the options have to be good."
"I'm too old to get a divorce."
"That's certainly a factor you have to take into consideration but you need to know that the ball is entirely in your court. You may not like it and you might feel like it's beyond your control but ultimately, how you choose to respond is entirely up to you. If you really don't want to do something, don't do it."
"We've already done all the paperwork! All that's left is the closing!"
"If you're letting yourself get swept along by the things that happen to you in your life, that's a choice you're already making. Nobody is forcing you to do anything."
He kept talking but I tuned him out after that because I'd said all I could say on the matter and clearly he wasn't going to shut up. People face tough decisions every day without whining about it and his situation isn't even that dire, when you put it in perspective: either way, he ends up alive and living in a house.
None of this means that I want to listen to people who have to make truly horrible choices and their reasons why, it just means this guy shouldn't have talked to me about his.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Algorithms: Not all they're algo'ed up to be

I got an email the other day from one of the internet's Original Gangstas, eBay, and this was the subject line:
"Clark, we thought of you when we saw these items."
Aw! Of course, I don't believe for a minute that anybody with eBay ever actually thinks about me for any reason whatsoever. This is some kind of assumed preferences drawn together from a computer algorithm that analyzes what I've purchased or looked at on the site in the past. Still, I find it sweet that their random email generator was considerate enough to lie to me about it. I was interested in what they had to say so of course I opened it and the first thing I was was this:
Right on! I like Star Wars toys as much as any adult male my age (okay, maybe a little more than most but not nearly as much as some). We were off to a pretty good start.

Scrolling a little further down, this was the next thing they had to offer me:
Oog. I don't think so. I don't know why exactly, but over the last few years, I've developed a certain annoyingly smug level of pizza snobbery. No offense to Dominos; I just don't like any of those take-out pizza chains any more. I used be an enthusiastic backer of the "there's no such thing as bad pizza" philosophy but something must have happened that was so horrific that I've apparently blocked it from my memory. I vaguely remember an especially awful order from Pizza Hut a few years ago. That was probably it. Sorry, Dominos; Pizza Hut fucked it up for you, Papa John's and everybody else.

Also, who knew you could get pizza via eBay?

Further also, did you know that if you type "ebay", you get this:
The squiggly red underline is the universal helpful hint to run a quick spell check so you can either spell a word correctly or replace what might be typo gibberish. But when you type "eBay", the correct company name but still a word that doesn't mean anything (gibberish), you don't. Anybody else find that a little corporately Big Brother-y? No? Okay then.

Moving on...

Then we arrived at this:
Something about this collection of three items seems kind of... arbitrary. 
A computer? Okay. 
A chainsaw? Huh? 
And I don't even know what that last thing is. A crossbody wristlet? Do you wear it on your torso or your wrist? And why? All-in-one? What are the "all"s? Is that a photo or a drawing? Most importantly, what about it made eBay think I would ever want one?

I'd say that overall this ad was 1-for-6 in terms of things that interest me. That's a .167 batting average.
Just like the great Astyanax Douglass
That's not gonna get it done, eBay. Step yo' algorithm game up.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Good guys wear pink

It's October, which is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The NFL honors this occasion every year by outfitting its players and coaches in a variety of pink clothing, hats, jackets and other accessories, all of which you can buy (of which, a whopping 8.01% of the proceeds goes to cancer research!). When November rolls around, all that stuff goes away, just like breast cancer does, until next season.

DeAngelo Williams, a running back with the Pittsburgh Steelers, lost his mom to breast cancer in 2014 at the age of 53. He requested permission to keep wearing the pink items when he plays beyond October to honor her memory. The NFL said no, that it violates very important regulations about proper attire worn when issuing and receiving concussions. Williams is working around this restriction by wearing pink dreadlocks and, more importantly, by picking up the tab for 53 mammograms.

Take that, arbitrary and stupid rules.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

An addendum to yesterday's "Whom to hate" post

Yesterday, I wrote a post stating that Jennifer (Auntie Jen) Connell and her lawyer William (Bill) Beckert were deserving of internet hatred because they attempted to sue Connell's nephew, who was 8-years-old at the time, for hugging her too hard, which caused her to fall down and break her wrist, with the emphasis on suing her nephew for hugging her too hard. I was contacted by someone who had this to say (translated from Twitterese):
"More to the story - Homeowner insurance denied medical bills saying the nephew was responsible. She sued the kid because you have to name a defendant. Direct the hate to the messed up insurance system that refuses medical claims because a little kid might be responsible."
I asked why she and her lawyer didn't get in front of this by saying that was the situation before social media got hold of it.
"Just guessing, but it probably wouldn't serve the aunt well to publicly blast the insurance company until after the medical bills got covered."
All of that sounds completely logical to me. Further, this person (I won't reveal their name) works at a high level in a field where they would absolutely qualify as an expert in a situation like this. It's almost enough to make me rescind the entire original post. Almost.

But I'm not going to do that because while it's highly likely that there is more to the story (there almost always is), it's still really scummy. For starters, how did they ever think that any jury not comprised of actual monsters would ever side in a million years against an 8-year-old who loves his aunt?
"Actually, we're with the kid on this one, too. I mean, yeah, we're monsters, but come on."
Secondly, why is she testifying in court how her injury hampers her ability to hold a plate of hors d’oeuvres? There is no better way to brand yourself a douche than throwing the phrase "hors d’oeuvres" around. People hate that. She'd have been better served saying the injury hampered her ability to read to blind orphans or even sort her recyclables. She should have at least referenced snacks or munchies.
Douche food
What else could they do, you ask? Well, how about instead of a lawsuit, a public relations campaign, coupled with a GoFundMe or Kickstarter, about how the shitty insurance industry tries to make people do scummy things like sue their families just so they can pay their basic medical bills? There is no institution more universally loathed than the insurance industry. Imagine if she had taken on a righteous beef against some vile, faceless, bloodsucking insurance company with every single person who hates vile, faceless, bloodsucking insurance companies on her side. She would have been hailed a hero AND made enough money to cover her bills and take her nephew to Disneyworld for a month.

So, no I'm not rescinding the post. Maybe Connell and Beckert don't deserve utter hatred (although I still wonder how enthusiastically Beckert offered any alternatives to a lawsuit that he had to know had less than a snowball's chance of succeeding) but they should have used better judgment.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Whom to hate THIS week (part 3): Hug It Out edition

Who is it?
It's Jennifer (Auntie Jen) Connell, Manhattan hors d'oeuvres enthusiast and asshole, who sued her nephew for hugging her too hard!

"Dad, why do I have to go to court?"
"Because you love your Auntie Jen."
"D-did I do something wrong?"
"Well, as a result of your enthusiastic display of affection four years ago, when you were 8-years-old, she now has difficulty holding a plate of hors d’oeuvres, so..."
"I'm a monster!! A monster!!"
"No, you aren't, son. It's okay. Your Auntie Jen is an asshole."
Happy ending: She lost!

A close runner-up, the attorney who wasted everyone's time by bringing her stupid, spiteful case to court, please welcome Mr. William (Bill) Beckert!

Mr. Beckert was quoted as saying
“(he) should have known better.”
“We do not take great pleasure in bringing a minor to court. She (Auntie Jen) is not here enjoying a moment of this. We have rules for children. He was not careful. He was unsafe.”

It is not known whether or not Beckert then lit a huge cigar with a $100 bill nor whether he is seeking to bring suit against the nephew for whatever role he may have had in his mother's death last year.

Any speculation about whether either of those things is true, or the possibility that Mr. William Beckert, a partner with the law firm of Jainchill and Beckert, LLC (the place you go when you want to sue a child), is an actual sentient piece of human fecal matter that somehow figured out how to talk and put on a suit, should be regarded as nothing more than irresponsible conjecture for the sake of LOLZ.

Previous entries under "Whom To Hate This Week" include Taylor Chapman, Paula Deen, and F&R Auto Sales of Westport, Massachusetts. All of the above have successfully met the qualifying criteria:

  1. Someone does something mean/stupid/thoughtless
  2. Somebody on the internet finds out
  3. The entire internet reacts by focusing their scorn directly on that person...
  4. ...until somebody else comes along.

FAQ for the newly improved

Hey look everybody, I re-did my web site,! Go check it out. There's no free downloads or apps or anything like that but if a bunch of people visit, I'll feel a little better about paying my GoDaddy bill. So thanks!
I'd now like to open things up for questions of the frequently asked variety...

Who, what, where and when is it?
It's me, my own web site. It's located at on the internet and is available right now.

So it's you plugging yourself and stuff you want people to pay money for, right?
Yeah, pretty much.

And that's different from this site how?
Well, the formatting is kind of... It's not, I guess.

Why can't I buy your book directly from the site?
Because an online store was not a line item in my budget this year. But the book is available at Amazon.

Wait a minute, I just looked at it: are you still talking about those Creative Loafing awards?
Yes, I'm proud of winning those.


Get over yourself already. 
What's wrong with that? I don't win a ton of awards all the time, you know.

Yeah, but it's not like you're a real celebrity like the host of a local late night radio show or anything.
Well, that's true. Good point.

After somebody from Anonymous hacks your site, how many dicks do you think will be Photoshopped on that picture of your big dumb face?
I don't know. A lot?

Oh yeah, it's gonna be a lot!
Please don't do that.

How much will you pay, per dick, to not have dicks Photoshopped all over your big dumb face?
Zero dollars. That is also not a line item in my budget.

So you want numerous quantities of all kinds of dicks all over your face?
You're talking about the picture of my face, right? It doesn't matter. No, I don't want any dicks on any of my faces.

That's not what the host of a certain local late night radio show has been saying.
A certain local late night radio host has been saying quite a few things that aren't true. Not to me directly, of course, but there's not much I can do about that.

What about just one dick, but it's an animated gif?
I'd actually kind of like to see that because that sounds funny but I wouldn't want to leave it up forever. Maybe just for a couple of days.

All right, how about this: 10 dicks, all different colors...
Do you have any non-dick questions?

Okay then. Thanks for checking out

Monday, October 12, 2015

Happy Not Columbus Day!

Well, since it's (what is still currently known as) Columbus Day, I was going to tell the story about Mrs. Reed, my third grade social studies teacher, defending the reputation of Christopher Columbus by summarily executing Santa Claus, but it looks like I've already shared that tale here three times, each time thinking I was covering new territory. A mere nine-plus years into this and I'm repeating myself repeating myself. What a jackass.

Today is Columbus Day, at least in most places. But there's a growing movement to change the name to "Indigenous Peoples' Day", a step already taken in Albuquerque, New Mexico, St. Paul, Minnesota and Portland, Oregon among others. Without even Googling this story and drilling down to the comments, I know there are certain heads out there just about to spin right off of their shoulders. They're frothing about how political correctness is just ruining everything and how it's a slippery slope that will result in renaming streets and schools after someone who didn't spread venereal diseases and commit genocide. Plus, their nerves are probably frayed because they never even got around to using the phrase "Native Americans" and now they're expected to learn some totally new word they can't even pronounce.

I'd like to address the following to those people.

Listen, to the extent that change-for-the-sake-of-change is obnoxious and annoying and nobody likes it, you have a point. However, when it's a case of correcting errors, you don't. The people you call Indians have no connection to India. Columbus, was, at best, a total incompetent who didn't discover shit. There's nothing wrong with finding out that something you believed turned out not to be accurate and then correcting it going forward.
Ironically enough...

And one day out of the year, a holiday which doesn't even merit dressing up in some kind of stupid ethnic stereotype costume and getting wasted to celebrate it, to honor the people who happened to live on this particular above-water chunk of dirt first, simply isn't that big of a deal. Historical accuracy, a modest display of respect and up to 20% off at Macy's and other retailers. Sounds good enough to me.

BONUS BLOG POST: Something nice!

Hey, remember our ol' pal Jessie Stehlik? In addition to her role as antagonist/ally in the legendary Muffinquest adventure, she also did the Pablo Ferro-esque titles, the front and back covers and the chapter illustrations for my now officially award-winning book. She was recently interviewed by our relatively new pal Sandi Everleth on the subject of making connections. Two nice people, talking about nice things. Check out the podcast by clicking these words right here!
And just look how happy Jessie is that I pop up in it!

Regularly scheduled not-quite-so-nice blog post coming later today.

Friday, October 09, 2015

Political correctness: Ruining America since 1950

Yep. This kind of destructive rhetoric from an illegal alien is the exact reason why people need to vote for Donald Trump. Or Lex Luthor.

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

An ethical gimmick

"ST. PETERSBURG — The owner of a Florida media company said Monday that radio host Bubba The Love Sponge Clem tried to influence the listening habits of a person who was participating in a ratings survey.
In a statement, Beasley Media said Clem was contacted directly by someone who had a ratings device to measure listening habits. Nielsen calculates its ratings by putting listening devices that resemble pagers on people.
The Beasley statement said Clem and his staff must undergo ratings compliance training." - Gainesville Sun, October 5, 2015
WALTER: Okay, welcome to Ratings Compliance Training. My name is Walter Mermud from the AC Nielsen company and I'll admit right up front that I don't really teach this course very often. Frankly, I've never taught it before. In fact, nobody has ever taught it before. There's usually just no need for it. Kind of a common sense thing when it comes to anybody who conducts themselves ethically, I guess. In light of certain recent events, however, your employer has determined that it's necessary so here we are. Let me verify that everyone who is supposed to be here is actually present and we'll begin. Todd Clem?
BUBBA: It's Bubba, legally, since 1999. And here.
WALTER: My sheet says "Todd"...
BUBBA: Bubba!
WALTER: Okay then. Manson?
MANSON: (in a different voice) Here.
WALTER: You already answered
BUBBA: He's a different guy sometimes. They're both here.
WALTER: All right then. 25 Cent?
25 CENT: (sighs) Yeah.
WALTER: Is that really your name, legally? You know what, never mind. It doesn't matter. Let's get started so we can get out of here. Now, the key thing to know about Ratings Compliance is that you should simply not interfere in any way with the process of gathering ratings. That's really all there is... Mr. Clem, what are you doing?
BUBBA: Huh? Oh, I'm trying to smash this pager gimmick open to see what's inside of it.
WALTER: That's one of our portable people meters and you shouldn't even have one, let alone try to open it for any reason.
BUBBA: Yeah, but I'm not doing it for ratings. I'm doing it to see if there's anything to eat inside.
WALTER: It's an electronic device! There's nothing edible about it! Where did you get it?
BUBBA: My lawyers gave it to me.
WALTER: My understanding is your lawyers aren't lawyers anymore.
BUBBA: Exactly. So it's all good. From a ethical gimmick.
WALTER: Please just put that down.
BUBBA: Here, 25. You and Manson open this up and see if there's some candy inside.
25 CENT: Anything you say, Bubba!
BUBBA: Get Ned to help you guys.
MANSON: Yes sir! (as Ned) Yes sir!
WALTER: I said to stop doing that!
BUBBA: You told me to put it down and I did. You didn't tell those three guys. Ethically, we're covered.
WALTER: There are only two guys and I want everyone to stop trying to...
25 CENT: Ooh! We got it! This looks like a battery!
BUBBA: Gimme that!
WALTER: Did you... did you just eat a battery?
BUBBA: Mmph? (with mouth full) That wasn't me, that was Mike Calta.
WALTER: Mr. Clem, I just saw you put a battery in your mouth.
BUBBA: (swallows hard) No sir. I don't currently have a delicious battery in my mouth any more right now. You're thinking of Mike Calta. Plus, I'm not sure it was a battery. It didn't taste like one. (puts shattered remains of portable people meter in his mouth) Mmm, crunchy!
MANSON: Technically, he's telling the truth!
25 CENT: Hurray! He's not guilty! We still have jobs!
BUBBA: I knew I'd be exonerated! The people have spoken! Court gimmick dismissed!
WALTER: Fine. Whatever. Please just sign these forms stating that you've completed the training and... and you're ignoring me and just walking right out. I'll sign off on these I guess.

Monday, October 05, 2015

Halloween costume ideas for 2015, some inspired by Facebook status updates!

Halloween is almost upon us. Time to slut it up! Or come up with a creative costume to hide your face and express yourself. But that requires so much more brain use than simply slutting it up. God!!

Here's an idea: let your Facebook timeline do your thinking for you! You're staring at it all day anyway. Have your "Friends®" tell you what to do via telling you what they're doing!

Here are actual updates from my® timeline and the costume ideas they inspirated.

"So I rescued this little bat this morning. He or she is taking a little rest while we wait for the rescue lady to come check him out. His head is about the size of a dime."

  1. Find a bat.
  2. Make him bite you (this should be easy, especially if you rub yourself all over with some rotting fruit).
  3. Assume the radioactive powers of the Bat and patrol the night streets of Golem City! Or become a baby Dracula with a dime-sized head. 
  4. Trickety Treat!
"Roaring Lions, Spinning Wheels, Are You Ready For Thrills and Chills?"
  1. It's a game or something.
  2. I don't know.

"Dear train conductor who felt the need to blast the horn a gazillion times at 1:30 am and again at 6am waking my kids, but especially me, I thank you. It's bad enough they were all up at different times during the night yet the times they were actually asleep you came thru our little town."
  1. Label an inflatable sex doll to represent what it is that annoyed you. In this case, "Safety of others; specifically motorists and pedestrians who might benefit from knowing that a train was coming".
  2. Have angry, violent sex with it.
  3. Repeat a gazillion times or until someone shoots you in the face.
  4. Knock knock! Who's there? Candy!


"Late lunch today. Burger lettuce wrap."
  1. Stand in the middle of some green fabric.
  2. Turn around in a circle as many times as it takes for the green fabric be all around you.
  3. You did it right if nobody gives a shit, just like how people reacted to this status update that inspired the concept.
  4. Thick or threat!

You know what? This is harder than I thought it would be. Let's abandon this premise and just go back to slutting it up. Only let's be clever and get all topical and timely with it!

"Get your hands off me...or all over me. Whatever. Halloween!"


Hubba hubba!


Friday, October 02, 2015

Lies and the dumb ass liars who tell them

Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) questioned Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards in front of the House Oversight Committee on Tuesday. Here's how that went... more or less. I mean you could watch the video of the actual exchange by clicking on this text but the following loosely interpreted transcription pretty much gives you the gist.

RICHARDS: None of the dollars you are discussing are federal dollars and the Planned Parenthood Federation of America receives almost no federal dollars. At this point, only $21 thousand...
CHAFFETZ: (shakes head sadly) You do know that all dollars are federal dollars, right? Only the American government is allowed to print money in America. Private companies can't do that.
RICHARDS: Right, but...
CHAFFETZ: I'm just saying.
RICHARDS: Okay, well...
CHAFFETZ: So it goes to the same organization and you just separate that all out.
RICHARDS: Like any organization that operates with a budget to manage resources? Yeah. We do that. We are highly accountable...
CHAFFETZ: I've gone over my time. I need to show this last slide.
RICHARDS: You keep interrupting me...
CHAFFETZ: I do that a lot. Let's not fixate on it. (gestures to slide) Now, this one I don't understand... part of the challenge is you don't do mammograms!
RICHARDS: I'm sorry, I...
CHAFFETZ: You don't do mammograms, correct? There's, like, one or two places that does them but you don't do mammograms.
RICHARDS: Planned Parenthood is a women's health center...
CHAFFETZ: I suppose you don't sell phone cards either.
RICHARDS: Excuse me?
CHAFFETZ: Phone cards, for when you want to call long distance. 7-Eleven has them but they don't do mammograms, just like you. But at least they sell phone cards. And beef jerky. I checked your corporate report and you have sold exactly zero beef jerky. You're basically operating a 7-Eleven that kills babies instead of selling beef jerky and phone cards! Why should the American taxpayers fund a poorly run convenience store?
RICHARDS: I'm sorry, I don't see the relevance...
CHAFFETZ: Exactly.
RICHARDS: Planned Parenthood is a women's health center. If you need a mammogram, you're referred to a radiological center and that's how women receive their care. And we provide breast exams to... I can get you the numbers of how many hundreds of thousands of women received breast exams at Planned Parenthood last year. It has nothing to do with this slide you're showing me for the first time. I have no idea what it is.
SOURCE: "Slides For Dummies: Liar's Edition"

CHAFFETZ: It's the reduction over the course of years, in pink, because that's boobs, in breast exams and the red, for baby blood, is the increase in abortions! That's what's going on in your organization!
RICHARDS: This is a slide that has never been shown to me before and I'm happy to take a look at it it but it absolutely does not reflect what's happening at Planned Parenthood.
CHAFFETZ: You're going to deny that these are arrows, and that one of them is pointing up while the other is pointing down? Just look at the pointy things on the ends! Those are CLEARLY arrows! I think I've made my point. That being, arrows are pointy and can face any number of directions, including up and down.
RICHARDS: It doesn't feel like we're trying to get to the truth here.
CHAFFETZ: I pulled those numbers directly out of your corporate reports.
RICHARDS: My lawyer is informing me that the source of this is actually Americans United For Life which is an anti-abortion group, so I would check your source.
CHAFFETZ: Ummm, oops?
"Yeah, check your source. Bitch."