Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Generation BS

Here's a video that pops up on Facebook fairly often...

What a total load of bullshit.

This and all the related memes where we kiss our own asses and celebrate how kids today are worthless, coddled pussies that aren't even close to being as awesome as those of us who grew up during these super wonderful times in the past are all complete and utter bullshit.

Ask yourself this: If everything was so great then and we all turned out so awesome, then why isn't life like that at all anymore? Why has it changed so drastically? The narrator refers derisively to "today's regulators and bureaucrats". Who the hell does he think those regulators and bureaucrats are? They're us! Or at least the kids we grew up with. We're the adults now. We're supposed to be the ones in charge!

Yeah, sure, it's true we used to play football with our friends, outside in vacant lots and build treehouses and routinely skin our knees and elbows and mostly didn't complain about it. So what happened to us as a result of all this great character building we put ourselves through?
Well, we grew up and now we play fantasy football with strangers online and live in gated, deed-restricted communities where we pay an association to fine the shit out of us if our kids even try to build a treehouse.

We took a foundation forged from people like Teddy Roosevelt, Jackie Robinson and Amelia Earhart and used it to give the world Donald Trump, Alex Rodriguez and Sarah Palin.

I'm not saying kids today aren't worthless, coddled pussies; they are. I'm saying it's probably not their fault. I'm saying it's our fault, those of us who represent Generation Bullshit.

Monday, September 28, 2015

A rootin' tootin' shootin' candidate!

I'm sure she only looks constipated
Do you hate women? Are you tired of veteran benefits being taxed to fund military abortions performed by alien child molesters on imaginary homosexuals, or something? Don't like those slick members of congress with non-husky voices who don't wear blue jeans and cowboy boots, and don't consider The Rush Limbaugh Show to be "enormously influential"?? Of course you do, are and don't! Who doesn't, isn't and does?

Kay Daly is not the answer to all those rhetorical questions but she is the answer to all those problems!

Kay Daly has a plan to solve all the problems, you guys! And a giant-ass gun!
(After watching the video, I'm guessing the plan is to shoot all the problems with a giant-ass gun)
Why not?
She's perfect!

Too bad she's completely unsuitable to actually occupy a position of leadership, though. You know, on account of her being fundamentally flawed by virtue of having a vagina (presumably).

Friday, September 25, 2015

A celebratory sale!

In an effort to express my appreciation for being selected as Creative Loafing's 2015 Readers Choice award winner for BEST BOOK BY A LOCAL AUTHOR, "A Ridiculously Inconsistent Treasury" will be on sale for just $8 (that's the minimum list price established by the publisher) for the next 25 days, in honor of Creative Loafing's Best of the Bay Awards 25th Anniversary.
Now officially an award-winning book!

"Brooks' content and style put him easily in a class with great story tellers like David Sedaris and Jean Shepherd." - PW Fenton
"If you like slightly warped views on the world, you will absolutely love this book." - 'Girl Next Door'
"This book is not funny. It's hilarious." - Alexandra Ackerman
"This is not a good project at all." - Susan Edwards, Hillsborough County Arts Council
"It's definitely fun" - Frankie Styles
"You've written some funny shit!" - Vivienne Brown
"It's eight bucks, for a limited time." - Me
Just click this link to order it from the CreateSpace store, or this one to order it from Amazon (WARNING: It might take a day or two for the discount to show up there, because computers are dumb. Check back or just go through CreateSpace because it's already live there.)

This is me saying Thank You for the award. This is also me trying to move some merch.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Something has happened... (conclusion)

In case you weren't able to surmise from the fiendishly subtle clues I left here Monday and Wednesday...
I won an award! 
Actually I won two awards. Specifically, 2015 Creative Loafing's "Best of the Bay" awards for "BEST BOOK BY A LOCAL AUTHOR" and "BEST LOCAL STAND-UP COMIC". In addition, I was a finalist for "BEST LOCAL BLOGGER" and "BEST LOCAL SPORTSWRITER". Not too bad! It's a little mystifying that I won for Best Comic, something I've been doing for nine months and not Best Blogger, which I've been working at for nine years. That's not sour grapes, just an observation. And it's not false modesty either; it's simply a fact that there are soooo many other comedians working in the area that deserve the recognition more than I do.

On the other hand, winning for best Book feels really, really nice, in light of some of the history behind it.

I'm fighting the urge to attend an Arts Council meeting.

I've been plugging for one of these things, with varying levels of enthusiasm, since 2009 and have never even come really close. I honestly never expected to actually win anything, believing there are people who win awards and there's the rest of us. And that's fine. Really, it is.

Although, I have to admit that recent events made me think there might be a chance that tides had turned... 
What happened this year? I have no idea. I made a couple of appeals for people to vote but I do that all the time. I voted for myself in each category exactly once. Not exactly a concentrated campaign strategy. But obviously somebody voted, either lots of somebodies or one somebody voting lots of times or both. Who knew it was even possible?? Doesn't matter to me, I'll take it!

WARNING! What follows is one brief paragraph of sourness that I just want to get off my chest regarding those who would suggest that I don't work hard enough to "deserve" recognition or are otherwise less than supportive:
You know what? Never mind. Not important, not productive, inappropriate and nobody cares. Nobody really "deserves" awards anyway. I honestly believe that if you're doing things right, and for the right reasons, the work itself really is a sufficient reward for doing it. Plus, I love everybody and we're all on journeys of our own and all that. Honestly. Best of luck with your line of moody-broody vampire romance novels or whatever it is you say you're working on. Regardless of what you think of me and mine, I sincerely hope you sell a ton of them shits. Seriously.
But enough already at some point, please? For the love of God? Because: Ugh.

Far more important and appropriate than all of that is my need to express thanks in immeasurable quantities to everybody who thought enough of what I present here to actually sit down and cast votes. Also, a special category of thanks to the team that helped me put the book together: Keri Ramos, Jessie Stehlik, Pavel Stehlik and Amy DeMilo.
I am deeply humbled, sincerely grateful and highly motivated to go out and work really hard in an effort to actually justify your support. While it's absolutely true and not some smarmy showbiz platitude to say that it's an honor just to be nominated, actually winning something is so much better than that. So THANK YOU! I love that we're all in love with each other and I can't wait for you to get me pregnant.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Something has happened... (part 2)

More accurately, something (apparently) will happen.
At this event:

More details forthcoming tomorrow...

Monday, September 21, 2015

Friday, September 18, 2015

REMINDER: Tonight!

This happens in a couple of hours...

High Class Poverty Tour
with Steven Lolli
And Tiffany Barbee, Tyler Horvath plus ME!
Carrollwood Cultural Center
4537 Lowell Rd.
Tampa 33618

Tickets range between $17 and $23 and are available by calling the Center at (813) 922-8167 or visiting

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Late addition to the show calendar

Monday night, I was doing the Spike on the Mic Show and I started getting a bunch of messages on my phone, all telling me that Steven Lolli wanted to get in touch with me. He's a comedian on a national tour who will be in town Friday night. We played a short game of phone tag and as it turns out, his host/opening act had a family emergency and wasn't available. Would I be interested in filling in? Of course I would! So now I'm a part of this...
I'm really looking forward to this. Carrollwood Cultural Center is a beautiful venue and my buddy Tyler Horvath is part of the show. Plus, I've never hosted an event before so this is an evolutionary step for me. But who cares about that? It should be a lot of fun for you so I hope you can make it out!

High Class Poverty Tour
with Steven Lolli
Friday September 18 8:00 PM
Carrollwood Cultural Center
4537 Lowell Rd.
Tampa 33618

Tickets range between $17 and $23 and are available by calling the Center at (813) 922-8167 or visiting

Monday, September 14, 2015

That is not how it's done

I am neither a theological scholar nor a financial genius, but I'm almost positive that this is not how Jesus or money works. I yelled at a dollar bill for fifteen minutes yesterday, telling it to go find someone who could really use it right now, thinking that between Prophet Olaye George's command over money as some kind of ethereal concept and me yelling at this one particular dollar, that something might happen. It didn't budge. I didn't yell any commands at Jesus but I'm guessing I'd get the same result. Prophet Olaye George is full of shit.

You know, I used to say that people who fell for nonsensical scams perpetrated by thieves and charlatans are so stupid that they deserve whatever bad thing that inevitably happens as a result of their misguided "belief" (almost always being relieved of their money instead of acquiring more). But I realize that isn't really fair. I don't believe that anybody who is so overcome by some kind of difficulty that their desperate search for help anywhere they can find it results in completely unreasonable thinking and behavior deserves further punishment. I've never been that down and out but it's got to truly be a kind of hell on earth. Even if you feel those people have it coming, surely you can't support the concept of the scumbags who rip them off deserving to be rewarded.

No, those who prey on people's faith have had it too good for too long and the fact that we allow them to not only exist but to thrive (criminal activity and tax breaks??) speaks volumes about those of us who pride ourselves on being too smart to fall for crap like this. I'm not talking about the majority of churches, where people go to seek spiritual comfort and who will help you if your house burns down. Those people are fine and their institutions do good work that helps people.

These other fuckers, who would have the poor people who follow them buy them a Goddamned jet plane, need to be taken down. sooner than later.

Wednesday, September 09, 2015

Alpha as in the letter A, as in Alabama (and Aryan)

Come to Alabama (specifically the University of) and join just the whitest white girls ever doing all kinds of precious white things!
Eat popsicles!
Pretend to play football (WARNING: Some football players are Negroes)!
Giggle, lots!
Be pretty!
This is Alpha Phi!

(NOTE: The following is not a tampon and/or yogurt commercial)

Gosh, fraternities and sororities are such meaningful and worthwhile institutions!
Let's play "Where's Wanda?" (HINT: Wanda is black) (NOT SHOWN: Wanda)

Monday, September 07, 2015

Florida: Land of excitement!

There was a time when you'd see place mats with this kind of artwork in every diner in the state of Florida, touting all the exciting culture and activity there was to experience here in the land of sunshine.

There was also a time when Florida wasn't nearly as exciting and culturally active as it is today, such as when this particular artwork was used...

That's right. Some time before 1959, when Busch Gardens opened and Tampa was known primarily for "Spanish Resturants", apparently people used to flock to Lakeland to watch gentlemen in tuxedos shake hands.

Friday, September 04, 2015

This Kim Davis situation is actually pretty simple

“The court cannot condone the willful disobedience of its lawfully issued order. If you give people the opportunity to choose which orders they follow, that’s what potentially causes problems.” - United States Federal Judge David L. Bunning
Normally, I'm resistant to the proposal of simple solutions to controversial conflicts. There is always more than one side to a story and there are almost always several different degrees and various nuanced factors that deserve careful consideration, rendering simple solutions inadequate.

However, this whole thing with Kim Davis, the clerk of Rowan County in Kentucky, and her refusal to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples is not that difficult: she needs to resign.

This isn't about her religious beliefs, to which she is certainly entitled, regardless of what they are or how committed she is (or isn't) to any one established doctrine. It isn't about yours either, to which you are equally entitled. It's not even a straight or gay thing. At the heart of the matter, it's simply about her refusal to do her job, and as such, she needs to do the one and only right thing for all involved and quit.

As a county clerk in the state of Kentucky, she took the following oath when she was elected:
"I do solemnly swear (or affirm, as the case may be) that I will support the Constitution of the United States and the Constitution of this Commonwealth, and be faithful and true to the Commonwealth of Kentucky so long as I continue a citizen thereof, and that I will faithfully execute, to the best of my ability, the office of ——————— according to law; and I do further solemnly swear (or affirm) that since the adoption of the present Constitution, I, being a citizen of this State, have not fought a duel with deadly weapons within this State nor out of it, nor have I sent or accepted a challenge to fight a duel with deadly weapons, nor have I acted as second in carrying a challenge, nor aided or assisted any person thus offending, so help me God." - Section 228 of the Kentucky Constitution, oath of officers and attorneys
Okay, I'm not sure I understand the fixation on dueling, but whatever.
Still a big deal in Kentucky, apparently.
The point is, she is not upholding the oath she took upon entering office, in that she is not supporting the Constitution of the United States and is not faithfully executing the office to which she was elected according to law. She has a job to do and she's refusing to do it. It's as simple as that. Ultimately, all the circumstances surrounding the situation are irrelevant. She has a job to do and she's refusing to do it.

She's an elected official so she can't be fired per se, but the moral and ethical thing for her to do, on her own behalf and her stated commitment to this ideal, as well as the citizens she's supposed to be serving, is to resign.

Picture how this would play out in any other job situation:
SUPERVISOR: There have been some changes. I need you to add mopping the restroom to your daily responsibilities.
EMPLOYEE: I don't want to do that.
SUPERVISOR: Okay, but it's part of your job now, so...
EMPLOYEE: Well, I really don't want to do it, so I guess I quit.
People face dilemmas like that in the workplace all the time. If it's something you feel strongly about, whatever it is, quit! By all means, honor your religion. By all means, speak freely about it. But if you're being paid to do a job, especially if it's serving the public, either do that job or quit.

Recently, I've seen people attempt to draw a comparison between Davis and Rosa Parks, that this somehow equates to civil disobedience for the sake of correcting an injustice.
Please. Please just cut the shit. I shouldn't even have to illustrate this but...

  • Rosa Parks was a private citizen who protested a city ordinance on the grounds that it was discriminatory and unjust. 
  • Kim Davis is a government official attempting to use her position of authority to force people to adhere to certain tenets of her religion.
Kim Davis was elected to a position, and is being paid, to serve the public, not oppress it and she just needs to quit.
It really is just that simple.

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

Do you like sandwiches and jokes?

Thursday, September 3rd
223 S. Howard Ave.


Clark Brooks
Amanda Jordan
Rio Paris 
Ashley Strand
Jared Waters