Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Polls are closed

The voting for Creative Loafing's Best of the Bay 2010 awards ended today at 5:00PM. I realize I probably should have devoted my energy to a crazy last-minute push to get people to vote, vote, vote and then vote again but I kinda forgot today was the deadline. Nothing to do now but wait for the party to find out what happened.
Well, the interview with Steve Jerve was pretty good. Chicks LOVE that guy! But the Stephen Tobolowsky thing couldn't have helped me much. But then, it probably didn't hurt either. Calling out Catherine Durkin Robinson probably wasn't a smart idea. Everybody LOVES that chick! And there's a rumor that Rebekah Pulley wants to challenge me to a knife fight, which could make it awkward when I show up to see her play.
But I remain, against my better judgement, a deluded optimist, so I'm fully expecting to walk out of there with at least one trophy. More accurately, I'm Charlie Brown to the universe's Lucy and this is in all likelihood just one more football I'm not going to kick.
Either way, hilarity (followed by depression) will ensue.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Yee haw!

I finally got a new computer (thanks, Mom!), so I think all my tech problems are at least temporarily behind me. It's a laptop that's very speedy and has plenty of memory so I'm really excited about being more organized and efficient and I can now get things done that previously...oh, who am I kidding?

What I'm excited about is being back on FarmVille!

I was away for quite a while and the ol' homestead took quite a beating in my absence. Crops not being grown, livestock that needed tending. I think there were some virtual hippies squatting in my barn. It kinda looked like this:
Sad, right? Worst of all is that people who had been way behind me have taken advantage of me not being able to tend my farm and have now passed me. Well, guess what? After a few marathon sessions (including forgetting to go to bed a couple of times), my farm is once again in top condition and producing like it's never done before. Check it out...

Why yes, you do see a water slide, a Ferris Wheel and a bunch of penguins attending a concert. Just like you would on any real farm. And that's why I'll be back on top of the game in no time. Thanks to my new computer!

(PS: Buy.com sucks.)

Friday, August 27, 2010

Dumbest dream ever

Last night, I dreamed that there was a popular movie playing that featured a hilarious scene where Will Arnett drank Hershey's chocolate syrup straight out of the bottle. I was driving and I happened to see his wife, Amy Poehler walking down the street. I honked my horn, yelled "Hey Amy!" and pulled a large bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup out of my groceries and showed it to her. She gave me a look like "Oh yes, that's an excessively clever reference. Ha ha." I rolled up my window and drove away fast, feeling like an idiot.

Even in my own dreams, I'm a complete doofus.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Now THIS inspires me!

This gives me an idea. Somebody give me a call if you hear that those knobs from Westboro Baptist Church are coming to Tampa. We could really have a lot of fun!
Here's the blog where I found this.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Voting in Florida: It's not just a civic duty, it's an adventure!

I got up early yesterday and did my part as a good citizen by partaking in the democratic process, because it's the right thing to do and because I enjoy wearing stickers on my clothing.
After driving through my neighborhood McDonald's to get some coffee (SUCCESS!) and to try to score some of those poisonous Shrek glasses they were giving away as true collectors items (fail), I headed over to the Oak Grove Church, polling station for precinct 454.
Between a combination of it being really early (about 7:45AM), terrible weather and this not being one of the big, sexy November elections, there were about as many cars as you'd expect to see in a church parking lot on a Tuesday morning. There were easily five times more people at McDonald's (to be fair, McDonald's coffee is pretty exceptional, especially for the price). I was greeted by one fellow at the door who told me there had been a bunch of people there earlier, which I found difficult to believe. I went inside and across the room, seated below an enormous crucifix were three people with lists of names in front of them. That's about as sobering a sight as you ever want to see early in the morning and if the coffee didn't wake me up, this did. I went to the A-G table and gave the volunteer my driver's license and voter's registration card. "I need to see a photo ID", he said. Uh-oh. The guy at the H-N table, having nothing to do, pointed out that my driver's license had a photo on it. A-G started looking through his roster at all the last names that start with C. "You're not in here", he said. "Clark is my last name", I pointed out, trying to be helpful. "My last name is Brooks." He looked up and said, "Your name is what?". "Look under B for Brooks" "No, about Clark being your first name. That isn't your last name?", he queried, squinting at me suspiciously. "No sir. No, it isn't." He rolled his eyes, sighed heavily and looked at the B section. Yep, there I was! He handed me a ballot, still looking at me suspiciously. "Initial...well, sign...no, just initial right here. Initials are fine", he said, indicating a line on the roster by my name. I did so and H-N said, "No, he doesn't sign there, you do" to A-G. "It'll be all right", A-G grumbled. Clearly, one of them had done this before but I'm still not sure which one. All I wanted to know was if my vote would count. A supervisor came over, examined everything and confirmed that it was fine. Still, the whole thing took less time than it did to navigate through the school zone between McDonald's and the church. largely because of the absence of anything that could be called a crowd but also because I'm a registered independent and had exactly three things to vote for on my ballot, a seat on the school board and a couple of judges.

One of the drawbacks of being a registered independent is you can't vote in any party primaries and that's really what this election was all about. I didn't really mind though. If I were a Republican, I'd have had to choose between Bill McCollum and Rick Scott, which is kind of like caring about which turd finds it's way to the bottom of the bowl first. On the Democratic side, there was little doubt that Alex Sink would win, which is fine with me as that's who I'll be voting for in the "real" election.
A race I cared about but didn't have a say in because of where I live was the one for Hillsborough County District 3 County Commissioner. I backed Valerie Goddard, even though I couldn't vote for her. She came in second to Les Miller, which is a shame, but the important thing is incumbent Kevin White, a true human piece of garbage, lost, finishing third out of three candidates. Calling White a douchebag is an insult to an item that actually serves a purpose.
So overall, good job, democracy!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Monday, August 23, 2010

Hot fun in the summer time

"Hey, why don't you come over to my place this weekend for a boobecue? I set up a tit in the back yabbo and thought it would be funbag to grill some stacks, some sweatermeat, whip up some lovemuffins, maybe drink a couple of jugs of wine. Bring your dog over and we can let the puppies out to play. Just do me a favor and don't stare at my wife this time, okay? For some reason, you make her feel uncomfortable when you come over. Oh, and bring some melons, nipplehead!"

Friday, August 20, 2010

Sorry, folks...blog's closed. The moose out front shoulda told ya ...

Today, by all measures, I got nothin'. Literally. Sorry. Come back Monday. I'll figure out something to put here by then. Again, sorry.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Drive me crazy

After you live some place for a while, you tend to develop a loyalty to the place and you defend it's attributes against attacks from outsiders. I feel that way about my adopted home town of Tampa. I like our sports teams, our entertainment, our restaurants, and I don't like people who don't live here mouthing off about them. Just the other day, out of nowhere and apropos of nothing, somebody who lives a thousand miles from here made a derogatory comment about the discussed-to-death topic of attendance at Tampa Bay Rays games. We're tired of talking about it and we live here; why in the world do you care? Go worry about your own crappy teams and how none of them are going to make the playoffs in any sport and leave us alone. But I digress. The point is I like my town and will happily defend it against criticism from those who don't live here...with one notable exception: the freakshow that takes place on our roadways. I will only chide anybody who criticizes our traffic, drivers, pedestrians or the very roads themselves for being too kind. Let's start with the fact that the entirety of downtown Tampa is currently under construction, something to do with replacing sewer lines or something. For some genius reason, it was decided to do 30 or 40 small jobs all at the same time instead of doing them one at a time. As a result, road closures change on a daily basis and it is literally impossible to get from one part of downtown to another without running into at least one major mess. Luckily, because it sucks whether major construction is taking place or not, nobody ever goes downtown unless they absolutely have to.
And now, the standard rebuttal on behalf of the Tampa Downtown Partnership that is automatically issued anytime someone suggests that any aspect of downtown Tampa "sucks"Oh. Okay. Good point. Thanks for clearing that up.

Anyway, forget downtown. Tampa traffic can best be summarized with one thoroughfare: Dale Mabry Highway. 23 miles of seven-laned mayhem where speed limits are completely meaningless and drivers are less eager to help their fellow motorists merge into traffic than members of the Westboro Baptist Church are to stand up and sing along to "YMCA" at a ballgame. On any five minute jaunt on Hillsborough County's busiest road, you'll see people who drive like Steve McQueen after mainlining Red Bull (God help you if you even think of slowing down upon seeing a traffic light turn yellow!) and people who have no intention of arriving anywhere, ever ("Oh, is that as green as that light gets? Maybe if I sit here just a little longer it will get
really pretty"). Notice I said "and", not "or". That's right, these idiots are on the road at the same time. When I first moved here, over 20 years ago, I refused to have anything to do with Dale Mabry because it was so damn scary. Now I drive it all the time like it's no big deal. Not because it's gotten better or because I've developed special skills to cope with it. I'm pretty sure it's just because I don't have quite the will to live that I had back then. Please allow me to demonstrate some of the insanity with a couple of visual aids. Now, I assume you are familiar with the concept of changing lanes, yes? The process of moving from one lane of traffic into another? This is usually accomplished by checking traffic in the lane you'd like to change to, signaling courteously and then decisively moving into that lane of traffic. Like so: Yep, that's how that kind of transaction is usually handled. But not in Tampa. We don't really "change" lanes, we just kind of drift over until we just sort of "evolve" and exist into being in that lane. Like this: (Note: If I were really trying to depict this accurately, the line would be much, much longer, and I would have to shrink the diagram so small you wouldn't even be able to see it.) Something relatively new that's been added to the equation is the notion that one must come to a complete stop before executing a right turn off of a roadway. It's as though everyone is transporting several full and open containers of very expensive inks or dyes in their vehicles. I don't know where this new trick came from, but it has upped the nerve-fraying factor considerably.
Why is it like this? It would be very easy to blame Florida drivers but that can't be it because almost nobody on the road learned to drive in Florida because everybody here is from some place else. And don't think the madness is limited to drivers. Our pedestrians are equally as cementheaded as the people behind the wheels. It's amazing that the official noise of the City of Tampa isn't the *THUMP!* of a human body being struck by a motor vehicle. Because like lane changes, we have a similar approach to crossing streets. It's not about getting from Point "A" to Point "B" quickly and safely like people who live places where they've developed a healthy fear of the death and dismemberment that can occur from being struck by an automobile, like this:
No, in Tampa it's more about meandering vaguely in a general direction and eventually winding up where you're going, like this:
Or this: And don't even get me started on the people who ride motorcycles.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Cause & effect

Think Nathan's Famous, seen in Coney Island...

...think Mel Brooks' famous scene in "Blazing Saddles".

Monday, August 16, 2010

Jesus, Judy!

Lemme see what you got there? What is that? A crying statue? A grilled cheese with the Virgin Mary's face seared on it? A Lego that looks like Moses? Nice. But amateur hour, Slappy. I got you all beat: Behold! A university president that looks like Jesus! Yep, that is Judy Genshaft, new-and-improved Joker Products spokesperson and president of the University of South Florida, posing like Bono Jesus Christ on a billboard near campus. Need a closer look? Here you go:She's either emulating The Messiah or Fred Willard as Mike LaFontaine in "A Mighty Wind": "Hey, wha' happen?"

OVERRATED: Your golden calf UNDERRATED: My green Bull

Friday, August 13, 2010

Interview: Steve Jerve

Steve Jerve is the Chief Meteorologist at News Channel 8 (WFLA) television here in Tampa. He is a full member of the American Meteorological Society and is a Certified Broadcast Meteorologist (CBM), a designation awarded by the AMS. He's also the first dude to do an interview on this prestigious blog, in which he offers an endorsement for an extremely worthy award candidate (guess who?), mentions robots a couple of times, offers some good advice and reveals something you never, ever knew about television news. Sound juicy? Read on, you hair-twirlers.

How many people do you deal with on a given day who want to discuss the weather?
Probably 5-10 people, depending on how much I'm "out" shopping or whatever.

Ever wish they'd ask about something else?

I don't mind, it's nice they know who I am and weather is a subject everyone talks about.

I'll change things up; What do you think the deal is with the Rays this year?

The Rays are young. I was at the no-hit game against Arizona. I found from my experience in sports that the majority of your success or failure is how you approach it mentally. They're one of the best teams in the league and experience may give them more consistency.

Let's go back to weather; Ever had anybody blame you for bad weather?

Oh yeah, but most of the time they're joking.

Do you get along with the meteorologists from
other stations?
Yeah, I get along great with them.

Do you guys text each other when one of yo
u obviously blows it?
I don't have a lot of contact or get to see them much on air because I'm on when they're on. How important is being able to move in front of the weather map?
It's important, especially if you stand in front of New Port Richey a lot, you'll hear about it.

Are there people who wash out of the field because they just can't do it?

Never heard of anyone who couldn't point, but you gotta act natural, robotic just doesn't work.

What's the Storm Team headquarters like? Is it a bunch of guys hanging around playing cards waiting for some action, like a fire
station or the Superfriends?
You described it perfectly, it's like you've been here before. It has some features of the Batcave, except more computers.

Do you have a favorite weather-rela
ted phrase or term? I do: Smudgepot!
I like smudgepot, you don't get to see them much anymore, they're old school. I kind of like "hodograph", which is not a child's game from Milton Bradley.

Any idea what the hell a Klystron9 is?

Yea, it's a really cool Doppler radar, or one of Saturn's moons, but definitely one of the two. What's a better movie, "Anchorman" or "Groundhog Day"?
"Groundhog Day", it's about a weather guy and I love the overall message of the movie. Live every day, even if you're in Punxsutawney.

You have an iPhone app; the Weather Shaker. How does it work?

The Weather Shaker gives you a quick look at the weather, temps, radar, forecast and all you gotta do is shake your iPhone.

Why a shaker? Because it's funny to watch people do it?

Shaking is low tech, and a bit retro, also strengthens the arms.

This is a request from a female reader: "Ask him how he gets his hair to do that Kewpie Doll thing and is it part of a comb-fo
rward strategy". I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about.
I get it to do that by actually being a live Kewpie doll. Man, I'm just glad my hair is still there.

Channel 8 operates out of the same facility as the Tampa Tribune. Have you ever had to shoo Curtis Ross (Tribune pop music writer) out of your work area?

Not yet, although we have some of the biggest HD monitors in the building. Maybe I'll catch him watching "Transformers" in here one night.

You're on Facebook, Twitter and FourSquare a
nd I've seen you out at social media events. Is social media something you're active with for work or fun or both?
Mostly for business on social media, but I think it's quite a phenomenon. As I use it more, it's becoming the major way of communicating with friends and our viewers. I like it a lot.

What's one thing most people don't know about tv news that you can reveal here for the first time ever?
We are all evil robots. Or, all of our news is done live, you can take your pick.I'm pretty determined to win at least one of Creative Loafing's Best of the Bay 2010 Readers Poll awards this year ('Best Local Blogger' & 'Best Local Personality to Follow on Twitter'). I voted for you; can I count on your vote in return?
Sure, I'll be happy to vote for you.

Could you say something to Gayle Sierens about it too please?

You'll have to pitch Gayle yourself. :)

Anything you'd like to mention that I didn't ask about?

Have a hurricane plan. Everyone's home and life is different and each requires a unique plan. Even if you never have to have it, at least it's in place, but if you do need it, you'll be VERY happy you did. I've been through hurricanes, and they are the real deal.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

A short conversation about design flaws

"Hey, you got a second?"

"Sure. What's up?"

"I wanted to talk to you about the X217 for a minute."

"Ah yes, The Princess Siparella. I'm pretty proud of that one."

"It's a beautiful piece."

"Well, thanks. I worked hard on it."

"I'll bet. I just wanted to talk to you about the straw."

"You noticed that, huh?"

"Oh yeah. Right away. Jumped right out at me, so to speak."

"Well, your eyes do not deceive you, my friend; it is indeed a bendy."

"That's not...ooh, it is, isn't it? Nice!"

"Spared no expense with this one. Yes sir, this is a top-of-the-line sippy bottle."


"Up or down, right or left. See? The way it moves around means it's easy to get your mouth around it."

"Oh my."

"At home, at a picnic table in a public park, in a darkened movie theater, in the back seat of a car..."

"It's not the straw I wanted to talk about...it's the straw placement."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look at the...um...well, the juxtaposition of the...see how, in relation to the figure's torso...?"

"No, I don't see..."



"And...right there?"


"See it now?"

"Oh my God. Oh God."


"Oh God. Oh dear God."

"Right. So...what do you think?"

"I don't know what to think! This is way past the prototype stage! We're in full production and will be ready to ship in two days!"

"Well, we have to do something. This is terrible."

"I could...move it to the back..."


"Yeah, we could just kind of swivel it..."

"So that it looks like it's..."

"Going in to her..."

"Instead of coming out as a..."

"Would that be better?"



"Nah, just leave it the way it is."

This post is dedicated to my dear friend Donna, who found this fantastic item and shared the picture of it. Donna, your new, extended family loves you and we're all here for you. As soon as you're up and running again, we'll all get together at Hooters for lunch where I will behave like a total ass for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I know why the enraged flight attendant slides

Everybody has heard the story by now, but let's recap anyway, just because it's fun:
  • JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater (pictured) got into a verbal altercation with a passenger about retrieving luggage from an overhead storage bin before the aircraft had come to a complete stop.
  • During the altercation, the passenger's luggage hit Slater in the head.
  • The passenger refused to apologize.
  • Slater got on the plane's PA system and cussed out the passenger, especially the one with who whom he'd had the altercation.
  • Slater then deployed the inflatable evacuation chute, grabbed a beer from the beverage cart, yelled "It's been great!", slid down and went to his car.
I know nothing else about Steven Slater nor about this incident (did the passenger hit him intentionally?) but I know enough to cast my vote on whether he's a folk hero or not: Absolutely 100X YEEESSSSSSS!
I had a discussion earlier with someone who disagreed. "The Jet Blue flight attendant is NOT a hero, people", she said. "He is to me!", I replied. She pointed out, "As NPR put it, it's a great 'take this job and shove it' moment...but that's about it". To which I retorted, "And at this point, that's all I'm really looking for in a hero". And it is; if I had a fraction of this guy's guts and integrity, I'd flame out at my "job" in a similarly spectacular fashion...but there's more.
  1. He left a company with whom he'd worked 20 years via inflatable evacuation chute. Every crappy customer service job in America (and just about every customer service job in America is crappy) should be retro-fitted with inflatable evacuation chutes for exactly this purpose.
  2. He didn't punch the passenger in the mouth, which is probably what she deserved because she's undoubtedly one of those assholes who misinterpreted the expression "the customer is always right" as "I get to do whatever I want, up to and including treating people employed in the customer service industry like garbage or worse if it suits my surly mood because I'm a selfish, stupid boor".
  3. He got arrested for...what? He quit his job (not illegal), he cussed out some airline passengers (hilarious, but not illegal), he grabbed a beer (okay, petty theft) and he deployed an inflatable evacuation chute (hell yeah!). Apparently that last one is the problem. Police say that those chutes deploy so rapidly that if someone had been below when it happened, they would have been seriously hurt, maybe killed. Well, no offense to the police or the imaginary guy who wasn't in the way and therefor wasn't seriously hurt or killed, but screw you both. He had a job to quit in the most awesome manner possible for someone in his position. Style points should count for something, people!
Disagree if you want to, but all I know is if I'd been on a plane I'd have given him a standing ovation (after the plane had come to a complete stop and the captain had turned off the seatbelt sign, of course) and some of you people moonlighting as customers are jerks, morons, both or worse.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Cultural perceptions

Jose: "Dios Mio! El mercado es tan grande!"
Joe: "That is not a very big store at all."

Monday, August 09, 2010

BING! I know whose vote I WON'T be getting

Having the backing of celebrities is a crucial part of winning any meaningless popularity contest political campaign. Barack Obama had Oprah and Sarah Palin had Tina Fey and they were both huge winners. Well, I fear I have had something of a misstep here in the early going in my campaign to win at least one (but hopefully two) of Creative Loafing's Best of the Bay 2010 Readers Poll: I've lost the Tobolowsky vote.
Stephen Tobolowsky (pictured here) is a talented actor who has appeared in over 200 movies and probably at least that many tv shows. He played Ned Ryerson in "Groundhog Day" and can currently be seen on Fox's wildly popular show, "Glee". He's also someone I follow on Twitter.
In case you don't know, trying to follow conversations on Twitter is kind of like picking up the phone at any given time and hearing a couple of million people talking at the same time. Such was the case the other night when I saw him post this:
"I ate a hamburger at the Brooklyn Grill and met Melissa Center who is a podcast fan and is making her own shorts which is a great idea."
Nothing there pertains or even means anything to me. At all. That didn't stop me from sidling up, much the way a smooth dude would at a cocktail party and interjecting some witty banter:
"It's always a good idea to keep your hands off of other people's shorts, at least until you get to know them."
Granted, most smooth dudes wouldn't look at the innocuous mention of the word "shorts" as an entry point to interject witty banter, but I'm intrepid like that.
A few seconds later, he replied:
"Did I inadvertently say I grabbed shorts?"
Uh oh.
"Nope, just that your friend Melissa was working on her own."
Crickets turned away, embarrassed. A lone tumbleweed blew through.
"Sorry. I am frequently 12-years-old."
The cracking of icicles being formed was the only noise as the tumbleweed shook it's head sadly, changed it's mind and blew back to whence it came and the closest equivalent to an awkward silence in a platform consisting of a couple million people talking at the same time pervaded.

So now, I guess that ship has sailed. He'll never endorse me after that exchange. Oh well, nothing to do but re-group and find myself another celebrity to charm.

Friday, August 06, 2010

This is where I want to live...

"Sometimes monkeys live on an island
And sometimes their human friend, Clark, swims out for a visit
And together they're workin' it out
Makin' a family!
On Monkey Island" -- Theme song to 'Monkey Island', my favorite TV show that doesn't exist

When I was a kid, all the best representations of non-traditional-yet-idyllic family life was found on Friday nights on ABC (Brady Bunch, Partridge Family, Six Million Dollar and The Bionic Woman, etc.) and so that's what I regress to when something inspires me to crave that kind of lifestyle. It doesn't happen often but it does happen.
Such was the case on Thursday when friends took me to up to Homosassa, the home of Monkey Island. That's it, as seen from our table at the Riverside Crab House (AYCE fish & chips, $8.95!). You can't see them in this picture, but trust me, they're out there. I saw them. And I want to live there. It's an island. With monkeys on it. Need I say more?
But alas, I fear it can never be. For one thing, the monkeys are reportedly not very friendly. For another, ABC doesn't put great shows like that on TV any more. So all I have are my fantasies or what could have been and that awesome theme song which I wrote on the spot and performed several times to the delight of my traveling companions as we drove all over the place.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Finally! Relief from the heat!

Do you remember just about two months ago when I had two computers die on me within a very short time? At the time, I remember asking (as in screaming at the heavens) what the odds of such a thing happening could be. I also remember asking what the odds of something similar happening again, at least relatively soon. Well, apparently the answer to both those questions is 100% because the same thing happened with my air conditioning. On Sunday, July 18th, the compressor (the big thing that sits outside) crashed and I was without AC for most of a week. Then on Saturday, July 31, the air handler (the big thing that sits in a closet inside) crashed and I was without it until yesterday.
Incredible. I honestly don't know how it's possible that I haven't snapped and completely lost my mind.
There are very things more miserable than being without AC in Florida in July/August. Dwellings built for central air conditioning aren't designed to be cool without it. For instance, in my apartment, all the windows are on the same side. So even if there were a breeze (which there is not) it wouldn't circulate through the place anyway. Attempting to sleep was the worst. The thermostat, the one component of the system that has marched right along like an obedient little trooper, was reading as high as 93 as late/early as 4:00 in the morning. At that temperature, it's difficult to breathe, you sweat right through your sheets and any benefits of taking the coldest shower possible (and I took a lot of them) evaporate...literally...within seconds of stepping out of the water. It's downright disgusting. I honestly don't know what I would have done if it had gone on much longer.
I think the old system was really old because it's amazing how quiet the new one is. The old one rumbled and hummed so loudly I couldn't hear my phone if it was in another room. This one just kind of hisses and makes about as much noise as my refrigerator. I guess that probably means my 'fridge will be the next appliance to crash.
Of course, I'm not the only one who lives in this apartment. The cats have been just as miserable as I have been, probably even more so since they're covered in fur and can't leave. I made sure they had plenty of water and did everything I could think of short of shaving them. I was pretty sure that gesture would not have been appreciated.
While the repair guys were here yesterday, making frequent trips in and out of the apartment, I locked the cats in the bedroom so they wouldn't freak out and run outside. I left for the day, praying nothing would go wrong and I would come home to cool air. Thankfully, that's exactly what happened. I opened the bedroom, apologized profusely to the cats and fed them dinner.

Later I found out exactly what they thought of the recent downgrade in living conditions and my efforts to resolve the issues, particularly leaving them alone with loud, strange men and forcing them to play kittycat Anne Franks while I was probably out somewhere, swimming in the chilly, crystal clear water of one of Florida's many natural springs (which is exactly what I was doing):

If there's a more effective and emphatic way of expressing displeasure with someone than throwing up in their shoe, I don't know what it is.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

From the vault (part 2)

Yesterday, was dark imagery, heavy symbolism and deep hidden meanings. Today is just good clean fun. This was a video that was shot in 2000 when I was with the Tampa Bay Rays (Devil Rays back then) as team mascot Raymond's bodyguard. I did that "job" for two years, playing Jerome to his Morris Day. I was mostly responsible for protecting people from Raymond (mostly by making sure he didn't blindly step on tots) than the other way around. But I also got to participate in some of the skits and other fun stuff too. Like this video, which was shown on the jumbotron between innings at games at Tropicana Field that season. Note my hilariously cheesy wardrobe: mustache, Oakley sunglasses and jean shorts, none of which was intended to be funny at the time.

If you can't watch it in the blog, click here.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

From the vault (part 1)

I was going through a dresser drawer the other day and found some old VHS tapes. One of them was my copy of a student film I acted in way back some time around 1993 or so called "Atonement". I wasn't a film student, I was just a poor actor (in every way one can be a poor actor...things have changed sooo much). It's Ryan Leigh Saul's film. I've lost touch with Ryan and have no idea what he's up to these days but I hope he's making movies or at least happy doing something he enjoys. Anyway, here's the film and if you figure out what it's all about, please tell me. Because I didn't know back then and I don't know today.

If you can't watch it in the blog, click here

Tomorrow: Something considerably lighter.

Monday, August 02, 2010

Buy me!

Do you like reading but hate things made out of paper? Who doesn't? You know what you should do? You should buy a Kindle! The Kindle is a portable, wireless reading device produced by the people at Amazon.com that allows users to read books, magazines and other media digitally. This is much better than other portable, wireless reading devices that simply are books, magazines and other media. The Kindle takes it's name from "Kindling" which refers to material used to start a fire, as these devices have proven to be extremely combustible, much more flammable than regular old books.Amazon not only produces and sells the Kindle, they also have an online store that sells the digital books, magazines and other media to download for your reading pleasure. "Wait", you say. "I notice you keep using the term 'other media'. What is that?", you ask. Oh, I don't know...could be just about anything you enjoy reading... "Like a blog?", you query. Why yes, you could read a blog on a Kindle! More specifically you could read this blog on a Kindle. Even more specifically, you can read this very blog on a Kindle! That's right current and future Kindle users, you can subscribe to The Ridiculously Inconsistent Trickle of Consciousness for the low, low price of just $1.99 a month at Amazon.com, where I am currently ranked among the top 45,000 (44, 539) of best selling Kindle authors!!But wait, there's more...subscribe now and you can continue to access the traditional purple, online version you're using right now FOR FREE!!And, if you're among the first 27 subscribers, I will send you an autographed photo of myself as your special gift!
Take me to the beach. Take me to the zoo. Take me to your mom's house. Go ahead. I'm now completely portable! There's absolutely no risk to you; if you're not completely satisfied within the first 14 days, simply cancel your subscription at no cost, keep the autographed photo and never, ever speak to me again. It's that damn easy! So what are you waiting for? Subscribe NOW!