Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Make the Buccaneers great again!

Donald Trump, campaigning for President of the United States:
DT: "He started it."
MEDIA: "That's the argument of a five-year-old."
DT: "No it isn't."
MEDIA: "Yes it is. That's exactly what children in Kindergarten say when they get in trouble."
DT: "That's what's wrong with this country"
FANS: "Yeah! President Trump tells it like it is!"

Donald Trump, head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
DT: "We're the world champions!"
REFEREE: "No, you aren't. You didn't even make the playoffs. Your record is 2-14."
DT: "No it isn't."
REFEREE: "Yes it is. You beat the Browns and the Lions and you lost every other game you played."
DT: "That's what's wrong with the NFL"
FANS: "Yeah! Coach Trump tells it like it is!"

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

A wildly successful colossal failure

You know how sometimes something that's hilarious is also horrifying, and vice-versa? The following story made me laugh so hard I had actual tears and will also keep me from sleeping soundly tonight.

(Because of course the robot made racist and genocidal tweets)

"The company launched Tay, an artificially intelligent robot, on Twitter last week. It was intended to be a fun way of engaging people with AI – but instead was tricked by people into tweeting out support of Hitler and genocide, and repeated white power messages.
Microsoft said that it had no way of knowing that people would attempt to trick the robot into tweeting the offensive words, but apologised for letting it do so." -

No way of knowing? Have the people at Microsoft ever met, you know, people?

When I worked in minor league baseball, every year when a new team got together, the first thing the players would do to bond as teammates was teach each other their swear words. Farm boys from Iowa teaching kids from the Dominican Republic who to call a son-of-a-bitch and learning what coño means in return. It was actually kind of adorable. I'm sure it still happens today. Sure, they weren't advocating genocide or debating the superiority of one race over another, but they weren't exchanging cookie recipes from their native lands either.

Point being, if you leave an impressionable individual, be it a right fielder from Des Moines, a shortstop from San Pedro de Macorís or a brand new artificial intelligence program with access to Twitter, to learn about its environment from the people who inhabit that environment, they're going to venture into some dark areas.

There's simply no other way that could have gone.
So, hey, scientists? Sorry for your loss but congratulations on once again confirming the elemental core of basic human nature! And stop releasing your robots into our society unless you're prepared to deal with what we all know will inevitably happen to them because you released them into our society. Especially in Philadelphia.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Justice is blind and maybe kinda stupid

My knowledge of how our justice system functions is limited to my participation as a juror in two criminal cases. I've never sued or been sued so I don't know how civil courts work. I'm pretty sure it's impossible to compare cases because no two are ever the same and that it's not a one-size-fits-all deal. With all of that said, I simply don't understand the disparity in the amounts of money awarded in the recent Erin Andrews and Hulk Hogan judgments.

Here's how my brain works...

THE PLAINTIFFS (the victims)
Erin Andrews - "Erin Jill Andrews (born May 4, 1978) is an American sportscaster and television personality. She currently hosts FOX College Football for Fox Sports, as well as Dancing with the Stars for ABC. Andrews was previously a co-host of College GameDay on ESPN and a contributor for Good Morning America on the ABC network. She also has an on-air presence at many major sporting events, including the Super Bowl and the World Series." - Wikipedia

Hulk Hogan - "Terry Gene Bollea (born August 11, 1953), better known by his ring name Hulk Hogan, is an American professional wrestler, actor, television personality, entrepreneur and rock bassist. Bollea enjoyed mainstream popularity in the 1980s and 1990s as the all-American character Hulk Hogan in the World Wrestling Federation (WWF, now WWE), and as "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan', the villainous nWo leader, in World Championship Wrestling (WCW). A regular pay-per-views headliner in both organizations, Hogan closed the respective premier annual events of the WWF and WCW, WrestleMania and Starrcade, on multiple occasions. He was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2005. He was signed with Total Nonstop Action Wrestling (TNA) from 2009 until 2013, where he was the on-screen General Manager and occasional wrestler. IGN described Hogan as "the most recognized wrestling star worldwide and the most popular wrestler of the '80s". Hogan is a twelve-time world champion; a six-time WWF/E World Heavyweight Champion and six-time WCW World Heavyweight Champion. He was the first wrestler to win consecutive Royal Rumbles, in 1990 and 1991." - Wikipedia

THE DEFENDANTS (the accused)
Andrews: Michael David Barrett, a 54-year-old man who followed Andrews around the country, gaining access to hotel rooms next to hers, altering the hotel door peepholes and shooting video of her changing clothes.
Nashville Marriott at Vanderbilt hotel, negligent in allowing Barrett to reserve the room next to hers and rig her room’s peephole with a camera to record video.

Hogan: Gawker - A celebrity gossip web site that aired a sex video featuring Hogan and Heather Clem, the then-wife of radio personality Todd "Bubba the Love Sponge" Clem without permission.

Both Plaintiffs won their cases.

Andrews: Seeking $75 million, was awarded $55 million, with over $28 million apportioned to Barrett, who was found 51% at fault, and over $26 million from Windsor Group, the Marriott’s owner and manager, who was found 49% at fault.

Hogan: Seeking $100 million, was actually awarded $115 million upon completion of the trial. Gawker was hit with an additional $25 million in punitive fees on Monday.

Andrews' reasonable expectation of a level of basic privacy that would allow her to change clothes in a hotel room, was violated and she is unlikely to see much, if any, of the amount she was awarded, which was $20 million less than what she sought.

Hogan, knowingly or not, a married man himself at the time, was recorded having sex with the wife of a "friend" (at the time), which somehow ended up at a sleazy web site that reports sleazy celebrity news and was awarded $15 million more than he asked for.

Something that could happen to any person minding their own business at what is generally considered an established and respected brand of hotels is worth about a third of something that could only happen to someone with a certain level of notoriety who engages in a very specific activity that carries an obvious and inherent level of risk of exposure.
No judgment, but come on dumbass (okay, a little judgment).
Well, okay then.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

An announcement re: Powering down

Hi valued readers, close friends, blood relatives, bots selling shady bootleg stuff, people who hate me, passers by and those of you to whom more than one of those descriptors apply. Welcome!

In spite of the title of this blog, I've been publishing here every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on a fairly regular and dependable basis for some time now, rendering the title ironic or stupid or possibly both.
That ends today. Not the ironic stupidity, the regular three-times-a-week publishing of it here. 
At least for the time being.
The (relatively) important questions are all answered below, but if you're in a hurry, all you need to know is I'll see you again next Wednesday (March 23). Take it easy! Enjoy your weekend!


WHO?: Me (duh).
This is a recent picture of me and not a solicitation to come out to some stand-up comedy thing.
Instead of publishing three times a week (the aforementioned Monday, Wednesday and Friday), I'm cutting back to a commitment (more about that below) of publishing once a week and that will be on Wednesdays, some time around lunch. This isn't one of those deals where somebody throws up a "Pardon Our Dust" sign on a web site or a restaurant that never sees the light of day again.

WHERE?: What difference does that make? Dumb question. Seriously.
Mostly here, though, if you must know.

WHY?: Ah. Now that's a good question. A couple of reasons for that.
  • I'm really busy with other things now (The stand-up comedy thing has taken off at a rate I was not anticipating plus other, more personal stuff is happening. These are all very nice problems, some of which I have not experienced in a very long time, maybe ever.) and trying to produce quality material here is proving difficult. I think if I scale down my commitment from three days to one, it might be easier to provide quality material instead of stuff that just fills space, like my increasingly frequent gratuitous plugs (more about that below). I'm not sure about that, but the theory makes sense in my head. I guess we'll find out.
  • One of the things that keeps me busy is "The Unbelievables" (if you're not checking that out, I really wish you would; some funny stuff there) with Jeff Hickmott and Michael Noble (one of them talks funny and the other one is from the UK). For the sake of these other things that occupy my time, I was thinking very seriously of quitting that venture and came really, really close to doing that. But then I decided I didn't want to. So I'm not. (If Jeff and Michael are reading this, they're finding out about it for the first time. Hi guys!)
  • Ditto all of that for Raw Charge. (Hi John!)
  • There's a lot of really nasty, spiteful verbiage flying around out there these days, from all directions. It's not that I can't compete with the volume of that (volume in terms of how much there is and volume in terms of how fucking loud it is), even though the truth is I can't. But I also don't want to try. And I feel that the obligation I put on myself to publish on multiple days might tempt me to wallow in some of the really hateful and toxic rhetoric that we're inflicting on each other and I'd rather not go down that road. Hurting other people with words isn't good for you, even if those people have it coming and even if you're good at it. Sometimes, especially if they have it coming and definitely if you're good at it. I remain committed to trying to be a force for good, even if I frequently fall way short. Maybe when/if things simmer down, I'll go back to posting more frequently. Or maybe things will get even worse and I'll have to post more frequently. No telling at this point.
Namaste, motherf...

When does Rob Base want to rock?

This blog has been very good to and for me and is directly or indirectly the root of all the other good stuff that's happened to and for me. There's still value in it as a therapeutic tool and a creative outlet. Plus, I love purple. There's also value in it as a promotional tool and I'm going to continue to gratuitously plug other endeavors, as frequently as I possibly can. That's not what I'll use the Wednesday posts for though. Those will stand alone and you can feel free to read them without me twisting your arm to come see me tell jokity-joke-joke-jokes at the local LOLZitorium or whatever. Nice, eh? I think so too.
Also, it's mine and I did put the word "Inconsistent" in the title, so I reserve the right to pop in whenever I want and write about whatever I want, regardless of what day it is. There may very well be weeks where I'm actually pumping out content more frequently than three days a week. Who knows? Not me! 
No promises, though. 
Except Wednesdays. 
Wednesdays are a promise.
Photo NOT taken on a Wednesday. Probably.

I'm not quitting, I'm just cutting back. Except for times when I don't. See you next Wednesday (March 23) unless I see you sooner than that. Whatever.
Honestly, it's right there in the title, people.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Who knows what's happening here?

My friend Alison posted this picture of a billboard in Pasco County (Florida) on Facebook yesterday...
My first reaction was that it's oddly specific and ambiguous at the same time.
Yes, I recognize Sylvester 'Sly' Stallone as the star of the Rocky and Rambo franchises, along with other testosterone-y flicks.
Yes, I realize that in many of those movies, he strives to portray characters that embody the American flag.
And I'm fully aware of the fact that Pasco County is...different.
"Benedic Corda Eorum"
But I'm just not sure why we're congratulating Mr. Stallone. His Oscar nomination perhaps? On getting those movies made which then turned us into American men? Why a billboard? Who paid for the billboard?

I don't have a criticism, just these questions. If anybody knows what's going on here, please let me know.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Important questions about salad: Answered!

One of the jokes I do in my stand-up act has to do with how often I eat salad as a meal. It also happens to be true. I eat salad all the time because it's good for me and also because I like it. Over the years, I've developed curiosity about salad and I have a lot of questions.


  • What I thought: A long time ago in a food factory (a factory that makes food), a production manager came into the marketing office and said, "This batch of new salad dressing is ready to be bottled up and shipped out. What do you want to call it?" The Marketing exec took a taste and said, "Mmm, this reminds me of being adrift in the Mediterranean Sea, surrounded by nothing but azure tides and beautiful, friendly islands as far as the eye can see. Thousands of them. Let's call it 'Thousand Island Dressing'!" The production guy said, "Seriously? That's what you get from ketchup, mayonnaise and pickle relish? Okay, it's your call.", shrugged his shoulders and went about printing labels.
  • What the internet says: "According to The Oxford Companion of Food and Drink, the dressing's name comes from the Thousand Islands region, located along the upper St. Lawrence River between the United States and Canada. Within that region, one common version of the dressing's origins says that a fishing guide's wife, Sophia LaLonde, made the condiment as part of her husband George's shore dinner. Often in this version, actress May Irwin requested the recipe after enjoying it. Irwin in turn gave it to another Thousand Islands summer resident, George Boldt, who built Boldt Castle between 1900 and 1904. Boldt, as proprietor of the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, instructed the hotel's maître d'hôtel, Oscar Tschirky, to put the dressing on the menu in 1894. A 1959 National Geographic article states, "Thousand Island Dressing was reportedly developed by Boldt's chef." Despite claims that he was involved in the introduction of the salad dressing at the Waldorf, chef Tschirky did not mention the salad dressing in his famous cookbook that was published during the time period in question. When University of Wisconsin sociologist Michael Bell and his graduate students tried to untangle the origin story for Thousand Island dressing in 2010, they found that the story differed between the various villages and islands in the Thousand Islands region. They also discovered the existence of a third origin story in which the original recipe was based upon French dressing, which is supported by a recipe published in the 11th edition of the The Fannie Farmer Cookbook (1965). Unfortunately, all of the claims appeared to be based upon oral traditions without a supporting written record. A few food writers also advance the claim that the dressing was invented by chef Theo Rooms of the Blackstone Hotel in Chicago during the same time period. In any case, the food historians at the Food Timeline point out that the earliest print references to Thousand Island dressing do not appear until 1912 and that recipes for different versions of the dressing begin to show up shortly afterwards throughout the United States." - Wikipedia

  • What I thought: Same guys, same factory, same circumstances. Marketing guy: "Mmm, this reminds me of strolling along the Champs-Elysées in April with a beautiful girl on my arm as we watch the sun set. Let's call it 'French'!" "It's orange and practically glows in the dark. That reminds you of Paris in the spring time? Whatever". the production guy says while rolling his eyes and returning to the shop floor.
  • What the internet says: "French dressing is apparently an American invention. There are several different recipes for French dressing. Most of them use ketchup, oil, vinegar and paprika. A similar dressing is called Russian, which often has chili sauce as an ingredient." - 
In other words, I could be right about this one.

If you've ever bought salad dressing, you've seen the Ken's brand of dressings. It's actually Ken's Steakhouse and to say that the brand is ubiquitous (at least in the salad dressing isle) is an understatement. Especially when it comes to single-serve portions, where Ken's Steakhouse is almost always the only available option. The dressings are everywhere but I have never come across a Ken's steakhouse. In fact, this is what it looks like if you Google "Ken's Steakhouse"...
'Restaurant' is the seventh suggested option in a search for a restaurant.
  • What I thought: There is no Ken's Steakhouse. In fact, there is no Ken. Both are nothing more than made-up corporate mascots and trademarks like Grandma's Cookies or Betty Crocker, designed to make people feel good about a product that's pumped out of some institution by robots through steel tubes from vats of toxic glop and squeezed into aesthetically pleasant packaging. and not created with love, by a human, in a cozy kitchen. It's all just more bullshit from the world of Big Business, and I'm not falling for it, CyberKen 5000 or KenCo or whatever your 'real' name is. 
  • What the internet says:  "Times were hard in 1935. Millions of people were out of work, businesses were failing, but as Ken said: "We had to make a living and take care of our children". Ken and Florence Hanna opened a small restaurant in Natick on Route 135 across from Lake Cochituate. They called it the Lakeside Cafe. The customers always identified it with its owner and called it Ken's. From these small beginnings a great restaurant was born. In 1941, after five years at the Natick location and one at Sandy Burr Country Club in Wayland, Ken purchased McHale's Diner with eleven seats and one booth on Route 9 in Framingham. Route 9 was known as "Starvation Alley." Ken had a vision of prosperity for the area, now known as the "Golden Mile," one of the top retail locations in the entire country. Growth of Ken's Steak House, originally known as the 41 Cafe, began almost immediately with the addition of the Fireplace Room in 1941. It was rustic with picnic tables, benches, knotty-pine walls and a fireplace that literally heated the room in the winter. Most of Ken's regular customers followed him from the Natick location to Framingham. Ken and Florence had a sound formula for success: good quality food at reasonable prices, an honest drink and a good cup of coffee. Diners at Ken's received prompt, courteous, attentive service. Ken's salads became famous and were instrumental in the restaurant's growth. Ken's salad dressings were always prepared in accordance with the recipes of Florence Hanna and under her watchful eye. In 1945, right after World War II, Ken added a room behind the fireplace and enlarged the diner to 80 seats, now known as The Lamp Post Room. The Hickory Room with 100 seats was added in 1957 and the lounge renovated. In 1959, Cafe V opened. The Dining Room became famous for prime sirloin of beef, planked scrod and distinctive side dishes. Ken also added a French farmhouse motif for the new entrance and the expanded lounge. In the late 1940's, Florence Hanna began baking bread, onion rolls, cakes and pies in an effort to deliver the freshest, highest of quality baked goods to her customers. Today, the tradition continues, the staff at Ken's Steak House spend long hours creating a showcase of fine quality baked goods. Over the years, many of Ken and Florence's children and grandchildren have worked at Ken's Steak House. At present, the family tradition of providing superb food and excellent service is orchestrated by Ken's son Timothy and his wife Darlene. Famous entertainers, prominent athletes, political and business leaders have en joyed Ken's Steak House throughout the years. The goal of Ken and Florence Hanna was to treat all their customers as celebrities. The prime and choice cuts of beef and the fresh seafood found at Ken's have set a standard of quality that is unparalleled. Ken's Steak House has served the MetroWest area for over 68 years, and shall continue be here to serve you through the next millennium. Ken's Steakhouse has been serving Metro-West & Greater Boston since 1935. Ken and Florence Hanna had a sound formula for success: Good quality food at reasonable prices and a honest drink.  Come visit us and see what’s new at Ken’s Steakhouse" - Ken's Steakhouse official web site
Well, it is good salad dressing.

Wednesday, March 09, 2016

Another dream come true

I grew up on a TV diet of David Letterman and Saturday Night Live, near the tail end of Johnny Carson's reign as the king of the late night talk show. Of course, I watched cartoons on Saturday mornings and weekday afternoons plus all kinds of "prime time" programming, but late night was the Good Stuff as far as I was concerned. Talk shows were such a fun, odd thing to me. Celebrities yukking it up and telling stories like it was the most comfortable, natural thing in the world when it was a completely unnatural, artifically manufactured environment, with plants and artwork with coffee cups to sip from while having a conversation with someone sitting at a desk facing the same direction as your chair. It sure looked like fun, though, and I wanted to do it.
I came kinda close when I saw a live taping of an episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. When the show was finished, I asked if I could sit on the couch (this was when they had a couch) and she graciously said yes, if I made it quick. This was pre-smart phones and selfies so I don't have documentation but I did it.
My ass was here
A couple of months ago, back in November, I finally got a chance to cross this bucket list item off the bucket list I don't have when the super-cool people who operate Kymatic Studios invited me to be on their 'underground' internet TV show, "Late Night at Kymatic" with hosts Dan McCune and Jason Beck. After about seven minutes of jokes on the stage, I was invited over to the set to gab about stuff. So much fun! Here's that...

Monday, March 07, 2016

Still in the tournament (kind of)!

Hey, remember that time I got eliminated from the 2015 Stand-Up Comedy Tournament at Side Splitters after reaching the Elite Eight? Well, I'm still a part of a way. In a way that will see me hosting the second half of the Elite Eight this Wednesday! Four competitors will perform with two of them moving on to the Final Four where they'll compete for the overall championship.
Cam Bertrand v. Jeff Tinevez
Mona Chiarizio v. Bash
In addition, the headliner will be Ken Miller, who recently won the title Florida's Funniest. If you want to come out, you're going to get a great show, plus I'd love to see you there. Need more incentive? You can get tickets for practically free if you buy them online and use my initials (CB) as a promo code. Okay, it's actually set up for Cam Bertrand fans (also CB) but the computer doesn't know that.
Duh, dumbass ticket robot.
Wednesday, Mar 9, 2016 8:00 PM
2015 Tampa Bay Comedy Tournament
"We began the tournament with 64 comedians.  Now we are down to the Elite 8!  Tonight's show will have four sets of competitors facing off for your votes to move on to the Final Four.   The comedians will be working hard for your votes for a chance to compete in the finals for cash and gigs on the road! Florida's Funniest Winner Ken Miller will be closing the show."


Cam Bertrand v. Jeff Tinevez
Mona Chiarizio v. Bash

And hosted by me!

12938 North Dale Mabry Highway
Tampa, FL 33618
(813) 960-1197
Restrictions: 18 & over
Two items minimum

Friday, March 04, 2016

A glimmer of hope?

I don't know about you, but trying to find reasons to maintain faith in humanity seems to be turning into a real struggle. I have no doubt that kind and intelligent people are out there doing kind and intelligent things, just like they always have. They don't get the pub, though. The spotlight more and more falls on the Donald Trumps and Martin Shkrelis of the world. Far, far worse are the people arguing for and against them (aka "Don't Read The Comments"). All sides of any issue just spewing the most beyond-reason, malevolent vitriol possible. These nasty exploits are so prevalent that attempting to ignore them, which is virtually impossible if you're a sentient being, is a more viable alternative to finding their equals and opposites.

Well, guess what?
The other day, my friend Max Herman, a fellow local comic, shared this on Facebook. (I'm posting screencaps just to prove this actually happened, because I still kind of can't believe it myself)...

"Hear me out before you post another "they can't even get my order right" post on social media...
McDonalds can stop trying to create "gourmet burgers" and stick to exactly why the f*ck we went there in the first place. Stop making $100billion a year as a company and start making $99billion while paying the worker enough to give a shit about his/her job... THEN they'll get my order right. Duh America!
‪#‎DuhAmerica‬ ‪#‎Wakeup‬ ‪#‎PutTheShoeOnYourOwnFoot‬"
Here's a link to the embedded image that is way too small to read.

Against my better judgment, I posted a comment. Before I show you what happened next, I just want you to know that I don't need you to tell me I'm right or wrong and why. You aren't going to change my mind or make me feel more right than I already do, okay? By all means, feel free to chime in, just know that the point here isn't the issue itself, it's the discussion of that issue that ensued. Cool? Cool,

Anyway, here's my initial salvo...

"I never understood the EMT vs fast food worker memes. Was I supposed to believe that paying fast food workers more meant taking dollars directly out of EMT pockets? Why would those two jobs be line items in the same budget?"

Later, this popped up (here's where the discussion jumps off. Also, it's worth noting that I don't know this guy)...

"The issue is asking for a raise while not doing your job..lots of jobs are under paid, but lots of people knew the salary prior to getting involved in that said job. The goal shouldn't be hand me more money and raise the pay the goal should be you want more money than go after it. Become your own boss and truly your money will be a direct reflection of you."
"What if, for whatever reason, fast food is the only industry where an individual can get a job? Some people can't hold out for better positions or be their own boss. Also, society needs people to do these 'menial' tasks. If they work hard and they're good at their job, they should expect to be compensated for it."
"I agree "if" they work hard. Unfortunately these "can't get my order post" happen for a reason. While many do work hard and may deserve it those same ones need to understand all the ones they do not act professional and make mistakes constantly will prevent these compensations. Put it this way, either they raise the wages and make it a lot harder for people to get these kind of jobs or they can keep wages where they are at and expect the same type of applicants. If the minimum wage is raised so should the standards of the employees they hire. I believe if it is raised that more college students will apply to help pay for school and overall you will have better service at these places. Problem with that is a lot people who rely on working at places like this will have trouble beating the ther applicants and not only will they not make the 8-10 dollars an hour but will also be without a job. Just my opinion though."

"I don't disagree. And for what it's worth, I don't believe anybody should expect to get wealthy or even raise an extended family as a frontline employee at a fast food restaurant.
One minor contention: low-paid fast food workers aren't the only people who get their orders wrong. Far better paid and highly skilled people like doctors and lawyers botch their jobs too. The only reason I mention that is that low pay doesn't automatically equate with incompetence."

"I agree there are some very intelligent people that for one reason or another ended up with a low paid job. Intelligence alone doesn't make a good worker. I think the moral to all this is if you want a better life you gotta make sacrifices and better choices. For example Max here has worked for no money to pursue what job he wants. Not many will do that and that's the difference between asking for a raise so you can have a better life and working hard through the tough life to have a better life."

Notice what did NOT happen:

  • Neither of us claimed to be anything but an individual with a personal opinion.
  • Neither of us convinced the other that they were wrong, however...
  • Neither of us TRIED to convince the other that they were wrong.
  • Nobody won, however...
  • Nobody lost.
  • He didn't call me a communist.
  • I didn't call him a fascist.
  • I didn't criticize his spelling or grammar.
  • He didn't call my mother a whore.
This was on Facebook, folks. Facebook! In the comments!

On February 23, 2016, a discussion on social media between two people with opposing opinions responding to each other in a civil manner and with respect, happened.

Wednesday, March 02, 2016

The night I didn't win

As previously stated, I was eliminated from the Stand-Up Comedy Tournament at Side Splitters after reaching the "Elite Eight" from an opening field of 64 comics. In case you missed it because you really, really wanted to go but were unable to attend for whatever reason (A friend of mine texted me a picture of her daughter in a hospital bed as proof that she couldn't come. Jesus! Okay! Stay home! Jesus!) or you were there having a good time and you wanted to relive it again (and again and again) or if you hate me and you want to revel in the idea of me weeping inconsolably after this was over (note: that didn't happen, so suck it), or even if none of those things apply to you and your individual circumstances, here's a video of that performance.

 I don't really care that I "lost" (I prefer to see it as "didn't win") because I enjoyed myself. I hope you did/do likewise. You too, haters (I reiterate: suck it).