Monday, April 30, 2012

Once in a Blue Moon

Friends here in Florida will occasionally hear me mention a craving for Blue Moon ice cream. "What is that? A new brand?", they ask. "No, it's not a brand", I answer. "It's a flavor." "I've never heard of it", they'll say. "What does it taste like" To which I always have to reply, "I...don't know."
Blue Moon ice cream is (or at least was, when I was growing up) a pretty common staple just about anywhere that sells hard ice cream in the midwest. But anywhere else, you won't find it or people who've ever even heard of it. I haven't been back to Michigan in about 20 years so I haven't had Blue Moon since then and I've missed it somnething awful.
I clearly remember the taste but I can't for the life of me describe it to anybody. I found an article on the intenet that says it tastes like Fruit Loops breakfast cereal. I guess I can't say that's wrong but I don't think it's right either. the color certainly doesn't bear any resemblance to the red, orange and yellow you find in Fruit Loops. It's a blue that looks like the color commonly used in the road uniforms of American League baseball teams in the '70s, a time when I accumulated the vast majority of my beloved baseball card collection (which I still have). That might actually be a factor in my fondness for it.
Anyway, if you have a powerful enough childhood memory and access to the internet, you can find anything. And often, what you're looking for is closer than you would have guessed. In this case, I found out that Blue Moon ice cream is available at the Kilwin's on St. Armand's Circle in Sarasota, just over an hour away. They're open until 11pm and the other night I called my friend at 8 o'clock at night.
"Let's go to Sarasota."
"What? Tonight?"
"Yeah, I want ice cream. Let's go."
"Let's just go to Bo's."
"Bo's is great, but Bo's doesn't have Blue Moon. Kilwin's in Sarasota does. Let's go!"
"Dude, is that the ice cream you're always talking about that looks like baseball uniforms?"
"Yes! Come on!"
She convinced me that that did she put it?...crazy, and promised if I'd wait until Saturday, she would ride down with me to get some.
Saturday afternoon we headed down and ate lunch at Yoder's, a great Amish restaurant in Sarasota. This almost proved a critical error in judgment because Amish people apparently think everybody works hard and needs to eat like a farmer to maintain their strength. We waddled out almost too full for ice cream. Not that I would have been deterred; by now I was obsessed with Blue Moon ice cream and nothing as minor as a full-to-bursting stomach was going to keep me from having it.
We headed out to St. Armand's, which was packed, but a car pulled out of a parking space right across the street from Kilwin's just as we pulled up. I took this a sign from above that this was truly meant to be. We got out and my friend was asking me something about what I would do if it didn't live up to my expectations. I didn't hear her as she was in front of me and I had shoved her into some bushes to get her out of my way. Giggling in anticipation, I then ran out into traffic where I may or may not have been hit by a truck (I honestly don't recall). I ran inside and went right to the cooler. I am now convinced that what was in the briefcase in "Pulp Fiction" was some Blue Moon ice cream. I asked for a cup and took a spoon full of that powder blue goodness into my mouth.
And it was just as good as I had built it up to be.
And I still have no idea what it tastes like.

Friday, April 27, 2012

National "'Like' us on Facebook" Day!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012
If you've ever uttered the phrase "Have a nice day" to someone, chances are you didn't mean it. Not that you wanted them to have a bad day, but you really didn't care one way or the other. It was just a way to end a conversation pleasantly without investing any REAL emoti...on (or even thought, for that matter). Or maybe you were angry and DID want them to have a crappy day and you used the phrase sarcastically, as a way of telling them to bug off. Either way, the phrase doesn't mean what it says and the only purpose it serves is as a kind of conversational punctuation mark.

As you're well aware, Facebook has rendered the word 'Like' meaningless as well. It's just a way to show you know about something. You don't have to actually LIKE something to 'Like' it. You just have to acknowledge it exists. They just want you to click that button to drive up an imaginary aggregate popularity index (they've probably been led to believe that number is somehow important for marketing purposes, although they don't really know why) and move on. Whether it's some jerk with a blog you don't read (ahem) or some company's web site where you go to complain about their products and/or service...because you can't reach a human being on the telephone..., at some point they're going to ask you to "'Like' us on Facebook!"

The object of National "'Like' us on Facebook!" Day is to point out the silliness of empty, meaningless things people say by replacing the empty and meaningless phrase "Have a nice day!" with the empty and meaningless phrase "'Like' us on Facebook!". Your mission is to say this as much as possible, with everyone you encounter all day long. "But I don't have anything to promote on Facebook", you say. That's perfect! What better way to illustrate that a phrase means nothing than by applying it to nothing?

Ideally, chaos, or at least mild confusion...and eventually hilarity...will ensue.

Invite your friends, have fun and 'Like' us on Facebook!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

What's in YOUR wallet?

I'm a big fan of the personal organizer. They're binders with calendars, phone directories and other stuff you can use to keep your affairs in order. They're like the precursor to smart phones and "apps". They're made by Franklin Covey or Dayrunner and you can get them anywhere that sells office supplies. Mine is a Dayrunner and I've had it since the early '90s. This is a picture of it:

Might be time to buy a new one.
It sort of looks like it's been through a war, doesn't it? In ways, it kind of has. But it's very dependable and with my penchant for over-scheduling myself, I can't imagine my life being on track in any way, shape or form without it. I take it everywhere. I also carry all kinds of stuff in it and so some people think it's funny to call it a "murse", short for man-purse. I don't mind because, let's be honest, that's what it is. Yesterday I got around to cleaning it out and updating it for the first time in a while, something I've been meaning to do but just never got around to. My inventory of membership cards indicates that either the economy was worse than I realized or I need to sit down and go through my stuff more often...
Borders: Gone.
Gameworks: Gone.
Albertson's: Gone.
Blockbuster: Maybe not gone but definitely forgotten. I have no idea where one near me is. They used to have stores all over the place but now the business with a blue and yellow awning that's on every other street corner is Amscot.

But it wasn't a complete purge. I also found some gift cards that I was pretty sure I'd barbecued but had hung on to for some reason. I checked the balances and here's what I found:

  • Red Lobster ..... $5.26
  • McDonalds ..... $0
  • 7-Eleven ..... $2.12
  • Vanilla Visa ..... $3.33 (I accepted this as payment for a $30 fare during my cab driving days. I could have gotten ripped off but I took a chance and it had a whole $50 on it! That was a good night.)
  • Another McDonald's ..... $0
  • Long John Silver's ..... $2.56
  • Another 7-Eleven ..... $1.82 (Hey, I can combine the 7-Elevens and buy a gallon of gas!)
  • Starbucks ..... $1.67
  • Yet another McDonald's ..... $0  (don't judge me)

So while I'm sad that so many well-established corporate entities either weren't equipped to adapt to changing business climates or weren't prepared to weather a severe economic downturn, I'm thrilled to have found $16.76 I didn't know I had.
Win some, lose some, I guess.

Monday, April 23, 2012

More sexism in advertising (local edition)

You don't have to be a big, internationally known company like Belvedere Vodka to exploit women and sell your products. This billboard is located near the corner of Kennedy and Dale Mabry right here in Tampa...
Nope. In spite of what you might have thought, those are just models and not actual prostitutes. Sorry folks. Just clothes, not whores.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Fish Will Walk!

We as a society should take a second at some point to pat ourselves on the back for all the advances we've made in being sensitive and rational about things. There's still work to do but it does seem like we're chipping away at some of the stupidity that exists for stupidity's sake.
For example, stupid bureaucracy was still alive and well in the Carrollton, Ohio school district until recently. That's where Carrollton High senior Austin Fisher was being denied the privilege of participating in commencement ceremonies with his senior class because he had accrued 16 unexcused absences, two more than is allowed by district guidelines. The reason he missed those 16 days is because he was caring for his mother who is battling breast cancer. As the only other member of their household, Austin had to take his mom to and from appointments and provide other care for her. When she became too sick to work, he took two part-time jobs to help with expenses. The school district initially said that's nice, but, well, sorry kid, rules is rules. But after an online awareness campaign, including the obligatory Facebook group, brought national attention to the matter, somebody decided to take a look at the situation. A meeting was scheduled with Austin and his mom to discuss matters and afterward, the school district issued the following statement:

“Representatives from Carrollton Exempted Village School District had the opportunity to meet with Teresa and Austin Fisher earlier today (April 16). At that meeting, Teresa Fisher provided additional information to school administrators concerning Austin’s absences, which had not been previously provided to the district. Based on this new information and after careful consideration by school officials and the Board of Education, it was decided that Austin would be permitted to participate in commencement.

In the interest of all of Carrollton’s students, the District and Teresa Fisher ask that the community respect their decision and that everyone move forward. Carrollton Schools is a great place to work and learn and we do not want to be sidetracked from our mission of educating children.”

So, good job everybody! We're getting a little smarter every day!

(If this situation hadn't been resolved favorably, I would have posted all kinds of links to petitions and Facebook and whatnot. But since we don't have to worry about that now, I'll only post one, where you can make a donation to the American Cancer Society via Relay For Life. Thanks in advance!)

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


We've covered odd, inappropriate advertising here before. Apparently, it's a trend that isn't going away any time soon, as evidenced by this example from Belvedere Vodka...
Advertising is intended to convey messages and that's often done by conveying a lifestyle, or at least aspects of a lifestyle, right? Okay Belvedere, I hear ya...

Look at the look on the woman's face. She's terrified. Ha ha ha ha! Man, that makes me want some vodka and some sex and imposing my will on someone and not necessarily in that order. Hey fellas, why can't bitches be more like premium vodka, am I right? Belvedere Vodka: Mmmmm, rape-y!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Admitting the problem is the first step to recovery

The other day, I saw a sign that made me wonder if I might have a problem...
You know, I'd never thought about it before but could I be addicted to beds? I quickly ran through a checklist of the seven symptoms...
  • Neglect of other activities: I probably do spend more time in bed than I do on any other piece of furniture I own. Hmmm...
  • Excessive use: Yeah, pretty much every night. Especially the nights when I sleep (not counting the times I fall asleep hunched over a steering wheel or over the condiment dispenser at 7-Eleven).
  • Impaired control: When I'm in bed, I can actually still do quite a few things. For example, it's pretty easy to use the bathroom. So while that may be indiciative of another problem, I may be okay on this one.
  • Persistence of use: Like I said above, almost every single night!
  • Large amounts of time spent in bed related activities: Oh, heh heh, I don't want to brag but...well, actually no. 
  • Withdrawal: I wish I was in bed right now!
  • Tolerance: I am completely used to spending time in bed now.
Oh my god! I might have a problem!

Friday, April 13, 2012

How many people have asked for your autograph today?

What would life be like if everybody walked around feeling good about themselves all the time? Fine for them maybe, but what about you? Seriously, what about you? Knocking people down a peg or two isn't a nice thing to do, but sometimes it's necessary. And by "necessary", I mean "fun". Yes, sometimes you just have to level someone. For their benefit, sure, but mostly yours.
Now, if this is the kind of thing you've already thought of on your own, you're probably already, well, a monster basically. You're a shriveled, sad, bitter miscreant who enjoys destroying people all the time, and good for you! In which case, you're already employing various methods and tools that work for you, you human bomb of despair. But if not, I have a very simple, easy-to-use tool you can try:

"How many people have asked for your autograph today?"

A word on autographs: Nothing is a better indicator of an individual's fame than the demand for that individual's autograph. The more people who are willing to humiliate themselves in exchange for a few seconds of your time and an inky smudge on a photograph, the more popular and loved you are.

Notice how he towers over mere mortals.

This used to be exclusive to the world's most physically attractive and talented people but now even the ugly and unskilled can become incredibly famous. And fame still equals popularity which equals success which equals superiority to other beings which equals the true meaning of love. That's why EVEN YOU can pull off this line; just because you're hideous and completely useless doesn't necessarily mean you're obscure!

"How many people have asked for your autograph today?"

Before you use this phrase, you're going to have to make sure you do it correctly. For starters, you probably shouldn't use it on anyone who is famous, someone who might ever actually be asked for an autograph. That could really come back and bite you. Anybody else is fair game. And the beauty is, it doesn't even matter if nobody has ever asked for your autograph. You're not looking to be better than people as much as you're trying to make them feel inferior to you. As long as you deploy the weapon first, you'll put them on the defensive. Once that happens, they're vulnerable and ready for you to pounce. This is how you do it:

ME: "Hey. You. Tell me something; how many people have asked for your autograph today?"
TARGET: "Huh? None, I guess."
ME: (shakes head, chuckles softly and walks away)
They'll probably be confused but the implication is that it happens to you all the time (at least compared to them) and the closest you can come to relating to how pathetic they are is to be slightly amused. This will work it's way into their subconscience, build a nest and lay some eggs that will yield hatchlings of doubt and insecurity that will burst right through the chest cavity of their self esteem.

Look what you did!
The other thing to keep in mind is the importance of accenting the right word. You could really screw this up if you don't place the emphasis where it needs to be. "How many people have asked for your autograph today?" is the right, and really only, way to deliver this line. Again, the implication is that people want you to sign your name on a piece of paper or a shirt or a body part and that those people do not want that from your intended target. This proves that what you say isn't as important as how you say it.

Here are some examples of how you could easily jack this up...

YOU: "How many people have asked for your autograph today?"
TARGET: "My autograph? None..."
YOU: "Ha ha!"
TARGET: "...but earlier, someone asked my permission to have my photo published on the cover of an international fashion magazine. So I guess I'm a model now."

YOU: "How many people have asked for your autograph today?"
ME: "I don't know how many but they always ask. It would be rude to demand an autograph, wouldn't it?"
YOU: "Oh yeah? Well, someone demanded mine earlier."
TARGET: "That looked like a process server."
YOU: "Yeah. Apparently, I'm going to be a father."

YOU: "How many people have asked for your autograph today?"
TARGET: "Not one."
YOU: "Ha HA!"
TARGET: "I am mourning the passing of a beloved family member. I really appreciate the fans respecting my prvacy during this difficult time. I expect with the passage of time and the healing that brings that I will emerge from this and make it up to them in the form of signing many, many autographs. Because they're just the best, you know?"
YOU: "I'm sorry for your loss."

YOU: "How many people have asked for your autograph today?"
TARGET: "I kind of lost count. It's kind of ridiculous, isn't it?"
YOU: "Ummm...yeah."

YOU: "How many people have asked for your autograph today?"
TARGET: "All of them. Who else is going to ask for my autograph?"
YOU: "A woodchuck asked for mine once."
TARGET: "So you're popular with rodents? That's fantastic."
YOU: "Well, just woodchucks really."

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Porn and philosophy

"That's good, but do you have anything with Kierkegaard and know...together?"

Friday, April 06, 2012

Dream ride!

Now that I have yet another fantastic job, I need to start classing up my act. A big part of class is the kind of automobile you drive. There's a direct correlation between what kind of car you drive and how classy you are and everybody knows it.
This guy drives a Lexus. Probably.
With that in mind, I turned to to see what I could find.

I like utility vehicles but I don't want to spend more than $3500.00. Thankfully, is set up to use those preferences as search criteria. I also like really stupid things and unfortunately, is NOT capable of factoring that in. So I had to hunt for what I wanted and I came across the three beauties below. The problem is, I just can't decide between them. Please help me?

Option 1: Huntmobile

What it is: 1989 Chevrolet Suburban 4X4
Price $2300.00
Music most likely heard in it: Banjo.
People least inclined to want to ride in it: The ethnic. 
Why I want it: I love the idea of pulling up in front of some nice place and asking the valet to park it next to some tool named Trevor's Mercedes. Because essentially, I believe that the universe functions like a John Landis movie and that life is a never-ending class struggle between snobs and slobs.  

Option 2: Shaggin' Wagon  
What it is: 1985 Ford E-150 Econoline Conversion Van

Price $2899.00
Music most likely heard in it: Bow Chicka Wow Wow
People least inclined to want to ride in it: Women.
Fantastic feature(s) listed by the seller: "WHEELCHAIR LIFT INSTALLED ON THE SIDE!!!!...Has 4 captain chairs...Black Curtains for privacy."
Why I want it: I don't currently utilize a scooter or a wheelchair, but if I really want to get my vigilante crimefighter career off the ground, that rig would be ideal for launching a motorcyle (note: I don't currently ride a motorcycle either). The four captain's chairs appeal to me because I like the idea of sitting around with three captains, drinking whiskey and discussing stuff. And if you're asking why anybody would need black curtains for privacy, the real question is why wouldn't you need black curtains for privacy?

Option 3: You Hawl

What it is: 1994 Ford E-350
Price $3410.00
Music most likely heard in it: "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum
People least inclined to want to ride in it: Hitchhikers.
Fantastic feature(s) listed by the seller: White Beauty! You win! Set down the mouse because this 1994 Ford E-350SD is the big truck you've been looking to get your hands on.
Why I want it: Yes, this is clearly an old U-Haul rental truck but it's probably in the best shape. Think about it; who is better suited to take good care of a truck than a series of non-professional drivers whose only experience with driving an oversize vehicle is renting one when they need to move a house full of furniture? Also, the blank sides appeal to me, because I could paint a sweet mural on there. Like this: 

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Dream job!

Since September, I have been very satisfied with my employment situation. I have a full-time job with the Tampa Bay Lightning, a part-time gig at Tampa Theatre and a regular beat at Raw All are really great organizations and it's truly a privilege to be part of them. There's no telling how much of that is influenced by the fact that the previous three years were wasted at the worst company I ever worked for (some day, I'm going to write about just how awful that was, but I currently have people who have my best long-term interests in mind advising me against that and even saying as little as I have here is liable to elicit a rebuke from them). Still, it's almost silly how happy I am when I'm at work now. 

Well, when it rains it pours. Another fantastic opportunity has landed in my lap and this one is a once-in-a-lifetime deal!
But I'm afraid of too much goodness coming my way. I don't want to overdraw my karma account. So I figured I'd try a loophole and create an alter ego. Below is the initial offer I received via email and the correspondence that followed as a result...

I am Dr Joe Collins, Financial Director of WINGAS.
WINGAS deal with oil and gas.It's a work from home position and you are not required to pay any fee before u get started.Your tasks are:

1. Receive payment from Customers inform of checks.
2. Cash Payments at your Bank.
3. Deduct 15% which which is your commission on payment check cashed at the bank.
4. Forward the remaining 85% to the information that will be provided later on via western union money transfer.


#Your full legal name:
#Your full home address including City,State,Zipcode:
#Your age:
#direct contact telephone & Cellphone number
#Bank Name:


Dr Joe-Collins.
Awesome, right? I know!!! I...well, my alter ego...wrote back immediately...

Dear Dr. Joe-Collins,
Thank you for considering me for this position. I'm not sure how you got my contact information, but it's obvious you're familiar with my professional background and individual skillset.

I have been having a bank account with various different amounts of money (off and on) since I was very young. Part of banking, as you are well aware, is the ability to cash AND deposit checks. Sometimes, I have had very little money and other times, I have had a great deal. I have learned that the work required to maintain a good bank account is the same regardless. Right now, I have a great deal of money, due to a settlement I received from an unfortunate tape-rewinding incident at the video store where I used to work that has left me disfigured. One could say almost TOO MUCH money (fortune has been very kind to me overall, aside from the disfigurement which was admittedly a setback). It will be a challenge to keep track of which money is mine and which money belongs to WINGAS. I have no doubt that I am up to this task, however. Because I know how to do spreasdsheets in Excel. My initial thoughts on this is to set up a spreadsheet with TWO columns, one labeled with my name, the other labeled WINGAS. I will highlight the headings with different colors (that's something you can do in Excel!) to further cut down on potential confusion.

I am also very good at working from home. During the period where I have been recovering from being disfigured, I am at home every day, all day long. Not working, obviously, but trying not to startle people with my appearance. At any rate, I have the "home" part down. You can be sure that in my role as a representative of WINGAS that when I am working from home, I will work dilligently, taking only bathroom breaks as absolutely necessary (the storage capacity of my bladder is quite remarkable) one lunch break (I will eat lunch at home) and I won't even turn on the television very often. And if I do, it will be on news or otherwise educational programming and kept at a low volume so as not to distract me from the work at hand. I am taking this very serious and WINGAS will have my full, devoted loyalty. I have been looking for reasons to stay indoors as much as humanly possible and this opportunity is the answer to my prayers. Bless you!!
On a somewhat related note, I would like to ask if WINGAS is affiliated with any recognized charitable efforts to which I could donate some of my extra money? I think it would be nice to have a school or a church named after me for doing something nice for others. Maybe we can re-visit that possibility once I am officially on board with WINGAS and have demonstrated my sincerity and a level of competency.

Thank you so so so much, Dr. Joe-Collins!

Richard Fuchstich
1220 Cedar Place
Sukadik NY 13261

48 years old
VHS Rewinder (I can't really do that anymore)
(813) XXX-XXXX
Chase Bank
Two days later, Richard was hired!

Your information has been screened and your application processed and after all necessary check has been done, we are satisfied and happy to say welcome on board.

According to how you have been briefed earlier, you are required to receive payment on behalf of WINGAS OIL & GAS.
You are to deduct 15% of all funds processed on a particular order and forward the balance payment via Western Union to any of our offices which will be given to you later.
You will notify the company a week ahead if eventually you want to discontinue this job so as to terminate all payment(s) coming your way to avoid conflict.
Be prepared for your first assignment because it is a test of your speed and efficiency in delivering.
Looking forward to you having a rewarding time working together.

N.B-- Send a reply to acknowledge this email as soon as possible (

This is notify you payment has been sent out delivers Thursday Morning via Ups Courier.

Regards and congratulations.

Joe Collins

Yay! That was such an exhaustive screening process that Richard didn't even remember filling out an application! No matter, Dr. Joe-Collins sent the instructions for the first assignment...

Hello Rep,

Please follow the instructions below carefully and completely.
To complete the financial transactions that I have assigned to you in a timely manner:
The payment been delivered to your address via UPS/if not deliver kindly contact UPS ASAP.
1. In order for you to receive your fee, take the payment you have received to your bank and have it deposited into your bank account.
Funds would be available within 24hrs..
2. Once you have cashed the financial instrument I need you to send the excess fund via Western Union as follows:
a. Deduct 15% as your commission.
b. Then from the balance left set aside $45 to cover both wire transfer fee.
c. Send the remaining funds Western Union according to the instructions below.
d. Send $2094.50 to delegate name stated in the mail bellow

Below is the expenditure breakdown:-

Payment Received....$2499.50
Salary/commission .................$375
western union charges (send per min):$45
Western Union Rest of the funds....$2094.50



The information below will aid in the picking up the money. The Western Union Money Transfer Information from you should include:

1.Sender's full name and address as written on the western union receipt
2.Receiver's full name and address as written on the western union receipt
3.Total amount sent in US Dollars
4.Money Transfer Control Number(10 digits MTCN) for the transaction

Please get back to me as soon as possible via email letting me know once you have fulfilled the transaction
It is mandatory you contact me at the above email as soon as transaction is completed so we can have the next payment released to you.
N.B-- Send a reply to acknowledge this email as soon as possible

Joe Collins

Hmm, things seem to have changed. On the one hand, Richard is now being addressed as "Rep", which is not very personal. On the other, Dr. Joe-Collins has dropped his title and his hyphen, which is really informal. Confused, Richard doesn't reply. That prompts this a day later...

Subject: What is going on?

Hello Representative,
What is the current status of your assignment? Have you been to your bank to make the deposit and when will you be completing your assignment?
I will appreciate your prompt reply.
Joe Collins

Oh my! He sounds downright terse! Now, it's not even "Rep", it's "Representative". Richard responds in hopes of getting back in his employer's good graces...

Dear Dr. Joe-Collins,

My current status is that I have the check but have not yet taken it to my bank. I have to be very careful when I make plans to venture outside. The local authorities have asked me to limit my exposure to those who might find my disfigured appearance off-putting. They were polite about it and even brought me a cloak with a hood to wear. Their main concern is a nearby church, whose parishoners might question the very existence of a just and merciful God himself were they to get a glimpse of my grotesque visage. As you can imagine, getting to the bank during times when it is open is EXTREMELY difficult so I try to limit my visits to once a month.
However, I know WINGAS (the BEST company in the world!) needs the money that has been placed in my care and I want to get them what they are owed in a timely fashion. If you remember, I mentioned that I have a great deal of personal money right now (settlement for the disfigurement). Would it be okay if I just paid the fee due ($2094.50) from my own money and then cash the check later? I can even send a couple of extra hundred to cover the expense that arises from cashing the check a few days later.
Let me know if those terms are acceptable.

Richard Fuchstich,
Proud employee of the WINGAS Corporation

Looks like that did the trick!
Hello Richard,

Thanks for the update i agree with you kindly proceed with sending out $2094.50 to the information provided for you once this has been completed kindly get back to me with transaction details

It suddenly occurs to Richard that he never filled out any paperwork. Dr. Joe-Collins probably just forgot. He's obviously a busy man. So Richard had his lawyers shoot over a letter...
Dear Dr. Joe-Collins,

My name is Wendy Burger-King and I am legal counsel assigned to the management of daily affairs of Mr. Ruchard Fuchstich of Sukadik, New York, an individual you recently hired in the position of "Rep".

As you may or may not be aware, Mr. Fuchstich was injured quite severely in a mishap at work. As such, he is no longer capable of holding down a regular job. He received a great deal of money in an injury settlement and in truth, doesn't even need to work. He has more than enough money to sustain him for the rest of what we hope is a very long life. However, he wants to work so that he can stay busy and maintain a modicum of self esteem. So first and foremost, thank you for making this opportunity available.

Secondly, as stated in the first paragraph, I manage Mr. Fuchstich's daily affairs so the burden falls on me to make sure everything is handled in the proper manner in regard to documentation. Mr. Fuchstich has informed that all of your communication so far has been in the form of emails and that he has not filled out a WINGAS job application, a W-4 (US Tax form), an I-9 or any other paperwork that is standard for employment in the United States. Obviously, we want to avoid any potential tax issues as well as limit exposure to any legal liabilities whatsoever. I'm afraid until these steps are taken, Mr. Fuchstich can not be engaged in any kind of tasks on behalf of WINGAS.

Being as this is a matter of international commerce, please also obtain and complete the following forms from your local World Government Office: B-9, I-23, N-42, G-54 and O-69 (NOTE: Of course, as you are undoubtedly aware, you can substitute a waiver of "free space" in lieu of the N-42 if applicable). Once we have received these forms in the proper order, we will have a winning proposition.  Please send them to me via this email address or to Mr. Fuchstich's home address, which you should already have on file. If replying to this email, please "reply all" as Mr. Fuchstich is copied on all correspondence.

Thank you for your immediate attention.
Wendy Burger-King, JD

Williams, Sonoma, Hammacher, Schlemmer, Crate & Barrel
Attorneys At Law (We have offices in most major malls)

I guess paperwork takes time because Richard hasn't heard anything since. I will keep you all updated if anything changes.

Monday, April 02, 2012

Made for each other

I would never, ever hope for anybody's marriage to fail (what am I, a monster?), but I have never wanted one to succeed like the one between Kellen Butts and John Seymour. Because if these two can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

No, they're not registered at "Under the Bleachers", smartass. If you want to send them a gift, please do so here.