Muffin update: woops!

I've been a little baffled that small donations haven't been coming in. I understand as well as anybody and probaby better than some that times are extremely tough and good people who may want to do something good by contributing to campaigns like this simply can't. But I thought surely they'd toss a buck or two my way and I wondered why that wasn't happening. Well, yesterday I was poking around on my Relay For Life page and noticed that it's not set up to accept donations smaller than $10.

Well, nobody reads this blog because they think I'm really smart

So here's what we can do:

• Go to your local Amscot or similar check-cashing establishment that offers free money orders.
• Get one for whatever amount you like.
• Mail it to me at: 3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202, Tampa, FL, 33614
• I'll handle it from there. You'll get full credit and entry(ies) into the gift basket drawing.
• You can also send checks the same way and skip the Amscot (your loss though; they hand out Tootsie Rolls by the handful!)

AND OF COURSE, CLICK HERE FOR SECURE ONLNE DONATIONS OF $10 OR MORE

We've got some work to do folks. We've been stuck at $342 all weekend and time is slipping away. Upward and onward to muffin glory!

Parks and wrecks

Meh. I was always an Arnold Palmer fan

The state of Florida dodged a very big, stupid bullet the other day when Sen. John Thrasher and state Rep. Patrick Rooney Jr. withdrew bills they had proposed that would have resulted in golf courses being built in our state parks.  "Ha ha ha! That's Clark, always with the outlandish jokery", you're saying. But no, this was not a joke. Senate Bill 1846 and House Bill 1239 were both very real and had they passed, would have required (not reccomended or suggested but required) the creation of something called the "Jack Nicklaus Golf Trail", which would have consisted of at least five, probably more, brand new golf courses (designed by Mr. Nicklaus, who normally charges $2.5 million to design a golf course, although he would have waived his fee for the first course and "only" charged $625,000 each for the rest of them, bless his heart) plus hotels with full liquor licenses that would have operated exempt from local governement regulations. All for the low, low price of money borrowed against future earnings, taxes and acres of state parks full of forests, springs and marshes. I'll let the glaringly obvious wrong-headedness on so many different levels of this proposition as to negate the necessity of a metaphor (although I'm going to make one anyway) sink in...

We got gallons of this stuff laying around doin' nothing; let's hire one...AND ONLY ONE...of our pals to make some baby toys that we can sell!

Thankfully, the media jumped on it (Howard Troxler's column in the St. Pete Times is where I learned about it) and the population, demonstrating rare but much appreciated common sense without regard to political factions, responded overwhelmingly, resulting in the legislation being withdrawn

"After much consideration and listening to the citizens of Florida, I have decided to withdraw HB 1239. Floridians spoke very clearly over the past several days on this proposal, and they are the reason I'm in office. I appreciate their concerns and hope this decision allays some of their fears. Please understand that my sole intention in filing this bill was one of economic development, my main objective in deciding to run for the state House last year." --Patrick Rooney, R-West Palm Beach, via Twitter



"Heh heh. So, like...we're cool now, right folks? Right?"



"Withdrawal from further consideration pending on Friday, March 11, 2011 4:04 PM." --Florida State Legislature's web site regarding Senate Bill 1846 proposed by Senator John Thrasher R-St. Augustine

"And I'd have gotten away with it if not for those meddling..."

So to sum up recent events, Florida's current power structure rejects billions of dollars in federal funds that could significantly improve our transportation system's infrastructure while creating jobs and bolstering a stagnant tourism industry, drags it's feet in regard to the creation of a database that would allow law enforcement to do something about the pipeline of illegally obtained prescription narcotics based here that floods the nation but proposes progress in the form of bulldozing public parks to let one of their famous buddies make more golf courses (in a state that already has more than any other state in the nation) and a handful of luxury hotels.

Muffin update: a plateau

Nothing new to report, as in no activity. I figured weekends would be tough. Plus, we lost an hour last night, didn't we? Shit. Oh well. Undaunted, we press on.
What say we break up the monotony of me banging on the begging drum with a little story about what happened to me at the drive-thru window at a local restaurant of a certain national fast food chain that rhymes with Schmackschmonald's:

CUSTOMER: I'd like a number one with a Coke, please.
DRIVE THRU: A number one and a what?
CUSTOMER: A Coke
DRIVE THRU: A what?
CUSTOMER: A number one and a Coke.
DRIVE THRU: A number one and a what?
ME (from the passenger side of the vehicle, as I am still without a vehicle of my own): A COKE!! Damn!

Seriously, what was the problem? He got the number one part right. Over and over again. How could he not recognize the word "Coke"? What do they have on the menu that even has a long "O" sound like the word "Coke"? Filet-O-Fish? Choseburger?

• I'd like a number one and that's no joke.
• I'd like a number one and I'm stoked!
• I'd like a number one for the pope.
• I'd like a number one and I don't smoke.
• I'd like a number one made of soap.
• I'd like a number one with egg yolk.
• I'd like a number one and to see you hanging from a rope.
• I'd like a number one, you jamoke.
• I'd like a number one but I'm broke.

Actually, it could have been that last one.

Anyway, back to the task at hand...please donate if you have not already done so, or if you'd just like to again because it's just that much gosh-darned fun to do so. A little, a lot, it all adds up. Also, please help spread the word. It's for a good cause and it's so sincerely appreciated, I can't even tell you. Go to yesterday's post to see what's in it for you (good stuff, I promise)!

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE DONATION ONLINE...100% OF THE PROCEEDS GOES TO THE AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY

Muffin update: endless #FFriday

Today was a little slow. As in no activity during the day. Probably understandable, considering the events taking place in Japan (prayers to those people; I am now officially afraid of the planet Earth). So when I got home, I whipped up one of my famous themed Follow Friday (or #FF) campaigns on Twitter, which is used to promote people who should be followed by other Twitter users. This one is titled "Mu #FF inquest" and is dedicated solely to those who support the ongoing effort...

"Mu #FF inquest: @yborbunker @citizenjaney @RottenMom @jeffie2k @MarissaRapier @lunar456 That's it. Very exclusive club...for now. Join us!"

I'm going to keep this going, regardless of the day of the week. It's always Friday somewhere, right? No? It isn't? Well, shut up. I'm doing it anyway.
So here is your updated list of incentives to participate if you have not done so already:

• Strike a blow in the fight against cancer
• Help me get a muffin named after me at Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City
• Earn chances to win a gift basket of the delicious muffins once the goal of $1500 is achieved (and it will be achieved)
• Get your very own exclusive blog post dedicated to you and any subject you like right here on this very blog (for donations of at least $33.69)
• Receive special recognition for your efforts on Twitter via Mu #FF inquest 

Say, there's a lotta action on that money! What gives, bub?

Oh, and speaking of updates...

$342.00

That's right, following the Twitter blast at the end of the day, we netted another $27 (thanks to Citizen Janey, a multiple contributor...yes, that is absolutely, positively allowed). Not bad at all!

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION

Muffin update: making progress

Okay folks, here's where we stand after yesterday's cancer' fightin, muffin namin' after me action:

$315.00

That's an increase of $60, which is well ahead of the daily pace of $33.64 needed to reach the ultimate goal of $1500.00 by April 15th. In a word, that is AWESOME!

"I love the smell of muffins in the morning. Smells like...what is that, blueberry? Yummers!"

Yesterday's heroics were provided by two superstars:

• Jeff Hickmott, the hilarious rogue behind The World of Jeff and The Food of Jeff
• The much more refined and respectable (I'm sorry, Jeff, but everyone knows it's true though; you and I. we're bounders) yet no less incredible Crystal

They've done their part (and I owe Crystal a blog post) so who's going to take their place? Is it you? Well, why the $#%@ not? Do something good for people and let me say something good about you in public! Don't you want the whole world to know you're not a dink (at least when it comes to stepping up and  fighting cancer)? Of course you do! It doesn't have to be a lot of money; seriously, I will happily welcome a single $1 donation if that's all you can spare. Heck, if we get enough of those, I'll throw a muffin slumber party where we all lay around in big, fluffy canopy bunk beds made of muffins, having muffin pillow fights, doing each other's hair with muffins and then turning out the lights and telling muffin ghost stories while cancer is home alone, making up stories about its imaginary girlfriend in Canada.

She lives in Winnipeg and she's the lead singer in a band.

Spread the word, people. We're over 20% there. We can do this!

CLICK RIGHT HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION

Muffin update: the onslaught begins

Okay, after one day of a newly re-energized Campaign To Have A Muffin Named After Me At Tre Amici @ The Bunker And Defeat Cancer In The Process, Or Vice-Versa If That Makes You Feel Better (or CTHAMNAMTA@TBADCITPOVVITMYFB for short) the total stands at...

$255.00

As I mentioned previously, the pace needs to be about $33.64 a day to hit the magic mark of $1500 in time for Relay...AND WE PICKED UP $35 YESTERDAY! WOOOOOOOO!!

Do you believe in muffins? Yes!!

As promised, I now owe a full blog post dedicated to the whims of Miss Riss, the Pride of Kankakee, and I will make good on that promise as soon as she shares with me what exactly her whims be (that sounds a little dirty, but I'm okay with it). In the meantime, it's another day, another $33.69. So once again, let's get after it, everybody. Please donate what you can. Seriously, a single dollar donation is appreciated (multiple dollars are appreciated more, but I ain't turnin' down nothin'). If you've already donated, or you just can't for whatever reason, then just spread the word. There are free blog posts and a gift basket of delicious muffins at stake, in addition to fighting cancer, of course. As for me, I'm posting every day...every, single, stinkin' day...no more of this three-days-a-week crap, that's how serious I am about this...until the goal is met or the April 15 deadline gets here, whichever comes first. So if you want to shut me up early or just not see me sad a month from now, you'd better get to clickin', chicken.

CLICK RIGHT HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION

Did you think I'd forgotten?

I bet you did, didn't you? You probably thought I got all distracted by the hoopla and hullabaloo surrounding the success of the Drag Queen Bingo event back in January and completely forgot about my effort to raise $1500.00 in the fight against cancer and get a muffin named after me at Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City in the process. Maybe you thought that things were going so well with the overall effort of Team Daddy-O Alley Katz (currently in first place with $4214.02 in the bank) that I felt like it was okay to take my foot off the gas and coast a little bit. It's okay, I don't blame you. I have a well-deserved reputation for having a bad memory and being lazy. Your only mistake is underestimating my borderline-psychotic need for attention and my intense hatred for cancer. These two obsessions combined easily trump my forgetfulness and sloth. That's why starting today, I'm ramping up the muffin campaign. From zero to obnoxious, right here, right now.



Here's where the campaign stands...
So far, I've received donations totalling $220.00. That means I need another $1280.00 in the 38 days between now and Relay (April 15) to hit the $1500.00 mark, or about $33.69 a day.
Yikes.
Maybe I should have done this a week ago.
No matter. We press on.


Here's where you come in...
Donate! Please! A little, a lot, whatever you can spare. It all adds up and that's what matters. It's tax deductible and you will get to see your name scrolling on my Relay page in a fashion not unlike the end credits of a major Hollywood motion picture!
CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION


Here's where you come back in...
Now, I recognize many of you have already donated, for which I am intensely appreciative. I don't expect you to give again (of course, if you want to, far be it from me to discourage you). But what would be a tremendous help is if you spread the word among your friends/followers/readers/congregations/co-workers/cellmates, what have you.


Here's how you can do that...
Visit http://yborbunker.com/ in Ybor City and tell them you want to make a donation
Forward the original muffin post and/or this one and/or my Relay page to your email buddies
Write a post on your blog about it: "Check out what this idiot in Florida is doing".
Or good ol' fashioned word of mouth.
While you're at it, go ahead and give yourself credit for helping. You deserve it!
Have you ever gone viral? Don't you want to? All the cool kids are doing it. Here's your chance!


I don't expect you to do all the work...
I will be doing my part, believe me. I've got some ideas that extend beyond bombardment via this blog, Twitter, Facebook, etc.
You'll see.


What's in it for you...
The satisfaction you'll feel from doing your part to fight cancer is self-evident and obvious. But beyond that, every dollar that you donate will be an entry into a drawing to win a gift basket of the delicious muffins themselves once we win and the muffin is created by the muffinoligists at Tre Amici.

How about that? An actual prize!


But wait, there's more!
For every donation recived of $33.69 or more, I will devote an entire blog post to you, your business or whatever cause you choose. Ever wanted to see me praise the Black Eyed Peas, American Idol or some other abomination that you think is awesome? Here's your solid gold-plated $33.69 chance!

So thanks in advance and let's get this done!
Muffins!!

Rethinking the Sheen

A couple of days ago, I threw something out here about Charlie Sheen that was kind of dismissive because I didn't really care but felt I needed to jump on the bandwagon. I still don't care and at this point, I could really do without somebody interjecting a reference to Tiger Blood or "WINNING!" (with or without the "Duh") into every single conversation. But after listening to all the stuff he's saying, which is impossible to avoid since he and ongoing conversation about him is everywhere, I have to say I think he's right. Oh sure, I still think he's an asshole. But that's just my opinion and it doesn't make him wrong.
Consider the context: I really can't sit around my crummy apartment in my underwear, eating SpaghettiOs out of the can, counting the hours until I have to go back to work, watching news coverage on basic cable of a guy who has millions of dollars, does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, surrounded by people who seem to love him and say, "Oh yeah, now there's somebody who needs to get his life together", can I? People, my Christmas tree is still up!
Whether or not we agree with the lifestyle choices the man makes, and whether or not those choices ultimately prove unwise are incidental. It would seem to me that he is in complete control of his life. And if that's not WINNING, well, what the hell is?

Everybody STILL hates Applebee's!

And all I wanted was this guy's bat

The other night I was sitting around minding my own business when all of a sudden my Twitter feed started blowin' up with mentions of moi:

• "Let's have a party and have @clarkbrooks as the guest of honor."
• "We can meet at #Chili's"
• "I'll buy the first round. Cheers, Clark! :)  "

At this point, I had no idea what was going on, but like a Labrador Retreiver, I was just very excited that other people were happy and that I'm somehow involved! However, being slightly more curious about my surroundings than the average Lab, I eventually asked what was going on. The answer I get was, "Someone asked about hating Applebee's. I directed her to your blog". That person also chimed in with, Any enemy of Applebees is a friend of mine. : ). Nice to meet you!"
Wow, seriously?
I mean, that's great. I love positive feedback. But that post I wrote about Applebee's was over three years ago. I don't even think I was that mean. Certainly not as mean as some of the comments I've received on it over the years:

• "I unaffectionately refer to this establishment as Craplebees."
• "...cant beat the happy hour...everything else sucks."
• "I'm sure you will be happy to know that this is the fifth article down on a Google search for 'hate applebees'."
• " Everyday, some cross-eyed person yells at me to make them macaroni." (That's from a former employee of Applebee's and is one of my favorite comments of all time as I believe it is the most accurate description of what hell is really like ever written.)

Again, Wow! I don't even think it's one of my better posts. Certainly not as good as "Denns the Menace is gay!" or the interviews with Lynne Austin, Maria Bamford or Steve Jerve or even the thing I wrote about riding the bus the other day. I guess it's just further proof of three fundamental truths; that people like what they like, they hate what they hate and they love hating Applebee's. That's fine with me, I'll take love, affection and positive feedback any way I can get it and the rest is Applebee's problem. It does make you wonder about that much hatred forcused on just one thing, though. What do you think would happen if the Westboro Baptist Church met at a Applebee's in Topeka to watch the Super Bowl half time show...?

"It's gonna be a while for those riblets, hon."

Much ado about Charlie

A while back, I wondered aloud if the degree of sensitivity applied to the chronicling of the personal problems of celebrities might be influenced by gender bias. Turns out the answer is a big, fat "NOPE!". If I wasn't sure after the Mel Gibson fiasco, the ongoing saga of Charlie Sheen vs. Chuck Lorre, CBS and losers with ugly wives and children everywhere has obliterated all doubt.
I don't have much to say about the situation but felt it needed to be included in this blog because...well, just to keep up with everybody else. I don't really have an opinion on his behavior. I don't particularly care for his tv sitcom. Depending on to whom he's talking (or what he had for breakfast or who knows: what), he doesn't either....although he still wants to get paid more for doing it. I don't know...or care...if he's on anything. Maybe he is perfectly clean and sober. Maybe he is just an asshole.
At any rate, in the event that you're not sick to death of hearing his name by the time you read this, here are three fun sites you can visit to drag out the experience just a little longer...

• Live The Sheen Dream - A random quote generator
• Cats Quote Charlie Sheen - Some of these actually make perfect sense when interpreted by felines.
• Sheen, Beck or Qaddafi? - Play along at home!

I'm a bus person now

My car is currently on the disabled list with a problem that could be as minor as spark plugs ($) or as major as a fuel pump ($$$). And since I don't have the re$ource$ right now to have it taken to some place where a guy in coveralls with his name embroidered on the breast can throw it on a hydraulic lift and plug it into a diagnostic machine, I am sans auto.
That means for the time being, it looks like sometimes I'm going to have to ride the bus.
To some people, either those who live in relatively rural areas where there is no city transit or in a foreign country, where public transportation is so clean, efficient and ultra-modern that it simply doesn't make sense to own a car, that isn't going to seem like a big deal. Everybody else's skin is crawling right now. That's because there's a stigma to riding the bus. There shouldn't be; it's a public utility, meant to be used by taxpayers like myself. And I don't have any qualms about using city water or other amenities. But there's something about riding the bus that people find off-putting. If this applies to you, let me just assure you that many of your fears and trepidations are completely unfounded. Others, however, are spot on.
My first extended trip out and about on the bus system was Saturday, when I needed to fetch some dry cleaning. That's right, my first Saturday since July and a large chunk of it was devoted to retrieving clothes I need for work. I'm not sure if that's ironic or just shitty.


Oh, by all that is holy, just shut up.

Anyway, my shirts were ready after 5:00 but the cleaners (about four and a half miles away) close at 6:00 on Saturday and and all day on Sunday. This was a very narrow window and I had no other options; I had to use the bus.

THE SCHEDULE - Trying to decipher a public transportation system is like learning a new language. When you begin, there's a bunch of numbers and symbols that don't seem to mean anything and even if you think you have it somewhat figured out on paper, there's no telling for sure until you put it to practical use. For instance, upon my first glance at the Hillsborough Area Regional Transit (HART) schedule, it might as well have been a handicapping form for ostrich racing.

Can somebody just tell me what time I'm gonna get home, please?

The good news there is, like learning a foreign language, once you start using it and you see for yourself how things work, it starts to make sense. I wanted to make sure I had enough time to make the transfers from line to line (three each way; 36 to 34 to 1) so I got to my nearby bus stop around 3:30 to be safe. That was way too early. I know better now and won't make that mistake again. 

THE PEOPLE - You may not want to admit it aloud but probably the biggest thing that skeeves you out about riding the bus is the other people on the bus. It's okay, it doesn't make you a bad person, but you don't have to say it if you don't want to. Let me just state that it was, in fact, not like going to prison. I didn't have to challenge the toughest guy on the bus to a fight or befriend a gang to prove myself. Nobody tried to shank me and I didn't have to hide anything in my butt. I will say that I saw more people who look like real, live pirates on the bus in one day than anybody has seen on every float featured in the Gasparilla parade ever. Particularly the gentleman sitting across from me at one point who was missing a hand, had an earring, a bandanna, and if not full-blown scurvy, at least a wee touch o' the emphysema.




These bead-tossing poofs would soil their silken pantaloons if they ever had to ride the bus



Also, while sitting at a stop waiting to make one of the transfers, I overheard a couple of panhandlers (they were just sitting at the stop and didn't get on the bus) discussing the attributes and inherent perils of certain nearby intersections;

"You can not work that corner drunk because the median is too steep. You will fall off and you will be run over by a car. Hell, you run the risk of rolling an ankle stone-cold sober."
"Oscar did it drunk. He was wasted."
"Yeah, well, Oscar is always wasted."
It was not unlike listening to surfers discuss beaches in Hawaii.

THE RIDE - One of the things HART likes to play up in their attempts to market their services to potential riders is the lack of stress and it's true. There is no Road Rage when you're riding the bus. More like Road Sullen Resignation. Everybody just sits there and stares out their window with a look on their face that tells you they'd almost certainly rather be going somewhere other than where they're going to wind up. I guess circumstances beyond one's control is the #1 cause of how riders find themselves on buses. But the seats were comfortable, it was clean and the air conditioning worked like a champion. Plus there's an unusual, sweet-smell aroma that's unique to buses that I kind of like. I can't describe it beyond that and I know that sounds weird. I don't know if it's a deodorizing agent designed specifically for buses or the slow leak of potentially toxic exhaust fumes. Probably the second one.

No smoking, no food or beverages and no Etch-A-Sketches

PRACTICALITY - It took a while to get past my self-consciousness, which was most difficult while waiting for transfers. It's hard not to feel like the hundreds of cars speeding past are looking at you as you sit there like some knob on a bench and that somebody you know is sure to see you. I found myself muttering "whaddayoulookinat?" under my breath a lot. It also didn't help when I got off at one stop and found the reproachful gaze of these two waiting to greet me...

"Not so funny now is it, comedy boy?"

Once I got (mostly) over that, I found myself not hating it. For starters, the price is right; $3.50 for an all day pass (pennies more than a gallon of gas right now), which includes unlimited transfers for anywhere you want to go. And as I mentioned, the ride was comfortable. I even found myself contemplating the pros and cons of junking my stupid car and becoming a full-time bus person. Unfortunately, there were too many cons and not enough pros:

• Weather would be a major concern, as many of the bus stops are not covered and there's considerable walking distance between most stops and actual destinations.
• It's definitely not the fastest mode of transportation; I left my apartment at 3:30PM and returned with my dry cleaning, approximately a nine mile round trip, after 6. Granted, I admittedly left earlier than I needed to, but still.
• It's not a very effective for running errands. I had thought about stopping at the grocery store after the cleaners but just dragging the shirts around was a pain (in spite of the respect I'm sure I got from the other passengers after getting on with them; "oh look at him, he's employed in a field that requires the wearing of a shirt!"). I couldn't even visualize lugging my dry cleaning around a grocery store with me, let alone climbing back on the bus with it plus a couple of bags of food so I scrapped that plan. And yes, that means aside from one bagel and a half can of spray cheese, I have zero food in my apartment right now. 
• The schedule is not nocturnal-friendly and that's the big one for me. The last buses on Saturdays and Sundays stop running around 10:30PM and I typically get off from work after 10. Even if I caught one of the last buses leaving downtown, there's no way I'd make all my connections and I would end up stranded somewhere in West Tampa. And if I had any semblance of a social life (which, aside from the approximately three to four days a month I interact with human beings outside of work, I do not) it would result in an almost desperate need to hook up every time out:

"So just to be clear; you DO have a car, right?"

Oprah's out to get me and I don't like it

This is not news, but Oprah Winfrey has launched a campaign against texting-while-driving. And this is certainly not good news for me. Because while I generally don't care for text messaging, I happen to be damn good at it. "Even while driving a car?", you ask. "ESPECIALLY when driving a car!", I reply. That is true! I don't know why but I make fewer typos and more coherent phrasing while driving than when I'm not. I don't know why this is the case but it is. Just one of God's wonders, I guess. And that blows. Because let me tell you something, not much sucks more than to be a person who has alarmingly few talents, skills or worthwhile traits of any kind whatsoever and have Oprah launch a campaign against one of them. Do you know what happens when Oprah publicly declares she does or doesn't like something? People, lots and lots of 'em, begin acting out of character. They stop eating hamburgers. They exercise and diet. They start reading books. Reading! Books!!

What manner of madness is this?

I feel like I'm being picked on. After all, we still have rodeos, which are held to preserve and honor the tradition of celebrating certain specialized skills that were once necessary and thus, a very important part of our history and heritage. So why should my outdated, pointless and dangerous behavior be outlawed while others are commemorated with enormous belt buckles?

"Uh, Hank, I should probably call you back later..."

Because Oprah says so, that's why. That, and it's kind of being the ultimate dick of all time to believe that my next Tweet (or whatever) is going to be so jaw-droppingly awe-inspiring that the world shouldn't have to wait until innocent people (including myself, pedestrians, other motorists or jaywalking baby ducks) aren't being needlessly put in danger to receive it. Plus, on the Great Regret Scale, I have to believe "If only I hadn't been text messaging" is really very high (or low, depending on how you read your scale) in the "Totally Unnecessary" column.
But mostly because of Oprah.

You do NOT want to be on the wrong end of this

My Son, The "Lawyer"

The Florida Bar Exam is taking place in Tampa this week and people from all over the country are in town to take it. Many of them are taking it for the second, third, fourth or more times. Apparently, and this is VERY hard to believe, Florida's Bar exam is considerably tougher than most other states. Considering the nonsense that takes place in our courts, I would have thought trial lawyer certification here was only slightly more difficult to attain than level 50 in FarmVille.

At any rate, having come across so many people who have tried multiple times to pass the Florida Bar has given me an idea for a new sitcom.

Check it out...

(Cue bouncy, upbeat theme music)

 TONY enters to AUDIENCE applause from stage left:

(singing) "What a beautiful day, everything's going my way, hey hey hey, I feel okay and I'm glad I'm not gay!"

HOT BLONDE ACTRESS enters to AUDIENCE going "WOOOOOOO!"

"Mmm, good morning! So...are you going to work on my case today?"

"Why not? I studied your briefs thoroughly last night!"

AUDIENCE: WOOOOOOOOO!

POP enters from stage right... 

"What the hell is going on in here?"

"Pop?!? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the Super Bowl! I got you tickets!"

"Paid for on MY credit card! What, you thought I wouldn't figure that out?"

"Uh-oh. Did the bill come in already?"

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"I don't need to see a bill to know that a clerk at Blockbuster can't afford tickets to the Super Bowl!"

"Pop, please! Ixnay on the ockblusteray, huh? I got a big case, I'm working on over here!"

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Um, like, what's going on here or something?"

"Oh hello. You must be Big Case. I'm the hotshot lawyer's father...except he ain't no hotshot lawyer because HE'S NEVER PASSED THE BAR EXAM!"

"So wait...you lied to me?"

"Um, I object...?"

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"AUGH! I am so out of here!"

She storms out angrily

"Pop, whaddaya doin'? Ya killin' me! I've passed the Bar in every state except one!"

"Killing you? I'd plead not-guilty to that charge, but with you as my lawyer there's no telling what would happen. But I guess since you're not a lawyer, at least in the state IN WHICH YOU LIVE, I don't have to worry about it!"

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Jesus, Pop..."

"And stop being Italian! We're Jewish!!"

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



"Jewish? Maybe I should be a doctor too!"

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"You're neither! You're A PUTZ!"

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
DOTTY enters stage right

"Hey everybody, who wants flapjacks? And who was that whore?"

AUDIENCE explodes in applause and laughter ("Who wants flapjacks?" and "Who was that whore?" are Dotty's catchphrases)

Seriously, I don't see how this can possibly fail.