No thank you

I know this post isn't exactly timely, since the show isn't currently on the air, but recently some friends have been trying to get me to take a sip of the American Idol Kool Aid.
That's not going to happen.
I don't begrudge them for trying to share something they enjoy. But I loathe that show on so many levels that it's just not something I'm ever going to warm up to.
Sorry. I know it's popular and people like what they like for whatever reasons and that's their business. I'm honestly trying to be better about that kind of thing. Live and let live and all that. But their right to like something doesn't cancel out my right to despise it. So I'm just going to air out my thoughts on the whole thing this one time. Then maybe I won't feel the need to make snide comments about it in the future and annoy those...so, so many of those...who are devoted fans :

• I hate that so many people think that being on American Idol is "IT" now. I heard a young girl singing karaoke recently. 16 years old, and obviously gifted. When she got done singing, the sentiment expressed by everyone in attendance was, "she should audition for American Idol!". Nobody said she should front a band or go to Broadway or study at Julliard. It made me sad because I think of music as so much more than a component of a popularity contest/game show. It's like meeting a teenager who's a wiz at calculus and saying "you should audition for Deal Or No Deal!".
• I hate that they only feature very pretty people. Nobody who looks like Mick Jagger, Janis Joplin, Bruce Springsteen, James Brown, Bono or a hundred other legendary artists I could name with no trouble at all would ever get past the first day of tryouts. Sure, it's possible for someone to be attractive and talented but there's never going to be an ugly Idol winner.
• I hate that at a time when artists should be embracing their freedom and control over their careers, there are still talented people (note: I have never said, and never will say that the people on American Idol are not talented) who are willing to dive headfirst into what amounts to artistic slavery. This is an actual excerpt from the standard contract that all American Idol finalists are required to sign: "I hereby grant the Producer the unconditional right throughout the universe in perpetuity to use, simulate, or portray my name, likeness, voice, singing voice, personality, personal identification or personal experiences, my life story, biographical data, incidents, situations, events which heretofore occurred or hereafter occur...". You don't have to be a lawyer to figure out that American Idol literally owns these people. Forever. Here's another beauty: "Other parties...may reveal and/or relate information about me of personal, private, intimate, surprising, defamatory, disparaging, embarrassing or unfavorable nature that may be factual and/or fictional." That means that not only do they own the Idols, they own the right to make up shit about them if it suits their needs. Never touched a drug in your life? Well, if it helps to ring the register, you're now a recovering heroin addict. Or gay. Or not. This contract ensures that American Idol finalists are treated slightly better than racing dogs, but not quite as well as thoroughbred horses.
• I hate that people subject themselves to this for a shot at stardom that has a shelf life of about a year, if they're lucky. Honestly, with a couple of exceptions, what 'stars' have emerged from American Idol? Yes, Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and a few others have "made it". But for the most part, the contestants are disposable commodities that are famous for exactly the one season they're on the show. After that, POOF, they expire and disappear.
• I hate the music. It's all buffed and polished to a high shine, freeze-dried, high-end karaoke. Not a rough edge to be found anywhere. Very pretty and completely non-toxic, just like the performers. Sorry, but I like the occasional dropped note, a beat missed here or there, a voice cracking in pursuit of a note. Those kinds of flaws and imperfections spell certain doom for an Idol contender. If I want to watch skilled performers competing by executing flawless routines, I'll watch gymnastics. If I want music, give me somebody who stands on stage knowing they won't be sent home in shame if they break a guitar string.
• Lastly, I hate that people don't turn off their televisions and go out once in a while. Right around the corner from where you live, you can go to a place tonight with other human beings and see a talented young performer who probably plays an instrument and (GASP!) writes their own original material. I simply can't understand anybody who truly loves music who wouldn't rather experience that than sit at home and vote for the prettiest puppet.

There, I'm done. And I feel better for it. Thanks.