TGIFridays. Houlihan's. Bennigan's. Chili's. Applebee's. Aren't they all pretty much the same place? Sure they are. They're all corporate chain restaurants that desperately want you to believe that they're just an old-fashioned neighborhood bar & grill. If somebody blindfolded you and took you into one of them and then took the blindfold off and told you to tell them where you are, you'd probably be hard pressed to answer right away. They all have the same random knick-knacks pasted to the wall, they're all staffed by the same sullen college kids who won't be there when you go back in six months and they all serve the same $7.50 bacon cheeseburgers and the same chicken tenders with the same honey mustard dressing.
Yet when groups of people talk about where to get something to eat, rarely does Applebee's get mentioned. And if it does, the suggestion is met with scorn and derision. Why does everybody hate Applebee's?
Well, not me, of course. I mean, yes, of course I hate Applebee's too. But in my case, I know why. It's because there was one in Sarasota that had a Bob Natal baseball bat on the wall. B
ob Natal, a lifetime .197 hitter, was my favorite baseball player at the time. I badly wanted that bat and offered to buy or trade for it but the manager said no, they weren't allowed to sell any of the "decor (his word, not mine) because it was against corporate policy. I'm pretty sure the manager of a real neighborhod bar & grill would have at least considered it and I know he wouldn't have refused it outright because it's against corporate policy because a real neighborhood bar & grill doesn't have corporate policies. Hell, a really good neighborhood bar & grill doesn't have policies at all. My kind of neighborhood bar & grill lets you do pretty much whatever you want, as long as it's not hurting someone else and so if you want one of their baseball bats, as long as it isn't for hitting a fellow bar patron, you're damn well welcome to it! Unless the other bar patron in question deserves it because he's a pain in the ass or some other valid reason, in which case you're still welcome to it.But why does everyone else hate Applebee's? Well, here are a couple of possible reasons.
- The name - Most people hate apples (be honest now, when was the last time you craved an apple that wasn't deep fried, baked in a sweet, sugary pie or slathered in caramel?) and most people hate bees (ooh, sting-ey!). Put them together and you're just asking for enmity.
- Riblets - Applebee's signature menu item is Riblets, which are small barbecued spare ribs. The problem there is threefold:
- "Riblet" sounds like the noise a frog makes.
- It also sounds like something you use to hold iron girders together.
- As I said, they're small. People who enjoy barbecued spare ribs don't like them small. There's a reason that gag on the Flintstones where Fred orders a rack of ribs so huge it tips his car over is so popular; People who enjoy spare ribs fantasize about that exact thing happening to them every day of their lives.
- That commercial where the high school team loses the big game and pulls into Applebee's for a post-game meal, only to find it closed, until a couple of dedicated employees decide to stay late to serve the valiant local heroes - Good god, how can you not hate that?
So those are three possible factors that spring to mind immediately. I don't know, there might be others. There might even be people out there who love Applebee's. I don't know any of them though.
PS: I eventually met Bob Natal and he gave me one of his bats himself. So take that, Jeff, the Applebee's manager on Fruitville Road in Sarasota or whatever your name was.
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4 comments:
I unaffectionately refer to this establishment as Craplebees. Sub-average food. And those ridiculous riblets.
You've pretty much confirmed that I will continue to call it Craplebees ad infinitum.
I needed a job directly out of college so I decided that I would work at Applebee's where I have been working for three weeks, and I must say that the intelligence of my fellow employees is so abysmally low that it pains me to think about what sorts of despicable ramblings go on in their dark minds. Mostly, the college students that I work with have limited vocabularies, but use the two hundred words they do know to talk about who they, or their friend, or another employee had sex with, where, how long it lasted, etc... The girls spend their time giggling and the guys spend their time trying to knock each others name tags off. At Craplebee's I am considered anti-social because I do not take part in such vile nonsense. Furthermore, one of the managers has eyes that are unnaturally close to the center of her head, and another of the managers looks exactly like Joe Dirt. In all, they seem highly uninformed and incapable of doing anything besides manage this disgusting place.
At first, I was convinced that no one could be dumber than the people I worked with. To my surprise there are indeed people who are dumber than the employees. Just recently, I realized that consistently roughly half the clientèle are mentally challenged. Everyday, some cross-eyed person yells at me to make them macaroni.
I generously oblige, of course, to all my orders, that is. And not just to the mentally challenged either (although the distinction between them and the "normal" customers is slim). Yes I happily serve, for nothing brings me joy like seeing a drove of pigs come in and eat from their troughs these glorious microwaved, pre-packaged, preservative packed, artificially flavored confections. It seems as though they prefer to eat Applebee's rather than the independently owned sushi place that costs less and is just down the street. But I must commend Applebee's for having the savvy not to make quality food. They are smart enough to realize that Americans have absolutely no taste or discretion and if you gave them something good, they probably wouldn't have anything to do with it. It is like that old sermon by that feller who
(ironically enough) the customers seem so fond of... "Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces"... Instead give them the crispy orange chicken bowls.
Well said. My Applebee's experience was also quite atrocious, and ironically, it involved baseball as well. This could be an anomaly. Or maybe Applebee's... wait, Craplebee's just flat out sucks.
Yup, I'm going to have to go with the latter.
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