Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I want to fight everyone in the world

I firmly believe that the world deserves a completely undisputed champion fighter (me). For once and for all, we must be able to point to someone (me) and say that person (me) is the best in the world at fighting. I want to earn this honor, not merely have it thrust upon me (me). But how can we truly say that someone (me) is a world champion if they don't beat every single opponent in the world? There is no other way: I (me) must fight every person in the world.
This will take a long time, a number of years probably, but I have it all planned out. I will start by fighting babies. They'll be easy to defeat and I can save time by fighting four and five of them at a time. Plus, there's a lot of them and I will want to vanquish as many as possible before they're capable of sitting upright, walking and otherwise defending themselves. That way when they get older and come to me seeking revenge, I will be able to say "Nuh uh, Junior. I defeated you fairly and squarely when you were but a mewling milk-fed infant. No rematches, no do-overs". Then I will fight the elderly and the infirm, again for the sake of practicality: I should be able to defeat them two, maybe three at a time, saving me some time. After that, it will become considerably more difficult.
I've spent a great deal of time weighing the pros and cons and have decided to fight all the women in the world before taking on the men. This is because it's been my experience that most times when men fight, it's always about preening and posturing and not being embarrassed. However, when women get angry enough to fight, their intent is to accomplish nothing less than total annihilation of their opponent. I'll need all of my strength to fight them. Afterwards, there's little doubt that I'll be wounded and short of breath but should have plenty left in the tank to take out a bunch of guys whose entire concern begins and ends with "dude, not the face". Besides, ladies first.
Then, I will face my final opponent, Shaquille O'Neal, in a worldwide cable tv pay-per-view spectacular. Everyone in the world will be rooting for me, in spite of the fact that I will have beaten every single one of you up. You'll say things like "you know, that guy whipped my ass when I was a baby but I totally respect him and everything he stands for" and "yeah, me too". Because nobody wants to see the guy who beat them up get taken by some chump who can't even hit 50% of his free throws. Damn Shaq, bend your knees!!
After it's all over, I will take a year off to drive around the world in my new Cadillac convertible, wearing my gold crown and signing autographs, not fighting. Finally, you'll have a world champion you can all be proud of (me).

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