Wednesday, September 10, 2014

A Funusual Shopping Experience!

Cassie McClellan is one of my colleagues (actually one of my bosses) at Raw Yesterday, she posted something on Facebook that reminded me that, oh yeah, I have an online store. And I will go so far as to say that some might find what's available for sale there to be kind of funny and unusual.

Funusual, if you will.

Go ahead, browse around. See something you want, feel free to purchase it! Relax and eat some delicious cookies as part of the experience (basically, this means if you have some delicious cookies, you can go ahead and eat 'em; I'm certainly not supplying any cookies, you freeloader)

A collection of the best articles from "A ridiculously inconsistent trickle of consciousness", the award-winning web site authored by Clark Brooks.

Humorous! Purple! Flammable! Everything you're looking for in a book that doesn't have anything to do with wizards, moody vampires or the exploration of erotiocism tinged with BDSM.

Actually, it fails to live up to the name in that it is actually quite reliable. It will always hold a beverage for you to drink unless you break it or otherwise render it unusable as a beverage container, dumbass. Hey, look how much purple is on it!

This handy, dandy item, adorned with the cover illustration by Jessie Stehlik from my book, "A Ridiculously Inconsistent Treasury", was originally produced in a very limited quantity as Thank You gifts for the team who helped produce the book. Now I'm going to have more made and sell them to you, if you want them. The illustration features a robot reading stories to lovable forest creatures. Impress your co-workers by having the weirdest coffee mug in your entire company. It will be a great conversation starter and a way to drive more traffic to this here blog and maybe even help sell some books.

Mug holds up to, I don't know, an average amount of coffee, pumpkin spice latte, soup, cottage cheese or whatever the hell you want to put in it. It's dishwasher and microwave safe as it is not made out of wax or tin.

Fresh hash brown potatoes; a breakfast standard. You want me to come over and make some for you? For $1000, I'll do it! I'll supply the potatoes, salt, pepper and special ingredients (hint: onions!). I can put cheese on them if you want (note: you supply the cheese). I can also make them into fun shapes before serving (note: "fun shapes" include choice of "pile" or "lump"). Don't miss out on this fantastic hash brown experience!

1 large (approximately 5 gallon) plastic bucket full of scalding hot water. I have no idea what you would use this for (NOTE: Seller does NOT condone scalding anybody!) but if you need it and you've been looking for it, here it is. The water IS clean, but not drinkable as it is scalding hot. You can see steam coming off of it and everything. I can't guarantee how long the water is going to be as scalding hot as it is right now (trust me: ouch!) but I suppose for an extra couple of bucks I could heat it up for you. If you'd just like a yellow plastic bucket full of lukewarm water, wait a while and if someone doesn't buy it, I'll sell it to you for $5, which is a bargain because the bucket alone is pretty nice. Cash, checks, money orders all ok. FREE DELIVERY! (NOTE: This item subject to availability)

THIS IS NOT A JOKE! As an officially ordained minister, I am qualified to legally marry the living daylights out of you and your spouse. Seriously, I will marry you so hard, you won't walk right for a week.

Wait a minute. We're getting off on a weird tangent here. Let's focus.

The point is if you're straight, gay, lesbian or any other combination I'm not immediately aware of, it doesn't matter. It's all good! I don't care! I can commit weddings of ALL kinds. You find somebody you love who loves you back? Beautiful! We're in business. I'll make sure the necessary paperwork is taken care of and I'll perform the service. I'll even write the vows or incorporate yours into the ceremony, if you're writing your own (which I think you should because that's a really sweet and thoughtful thing to do). And here's what may be the best part: I work cheap! Check it out: All I require is an invitation to your wedding reception, seated at a table with one of the more morally casual bridesmaids.

DISCLAIMER: I reserve the option to NOT do the Electric Slide or the Cupid Shuffle.

No comments: