Monday, February 25, 2013

I'm not sick anymore...maybe

As promised, here's new material...

I am no longer sick. No, at this point I actually think I died two weeks ago but the drugs I've been ingesting are just so powerful that they won't let me stop moving. Have you ever seen a car so dirty that you weren't sure that if it were washed, there'd be anything there afterward? Like, at some point, it stopped being a car and became dirt in the shape of a car? That's kind of what I am now, drugs roughly in the shape of a human-esque being, walking around and doing stuff.

In the event that theory is incorrect, I guess I'm still sick, but that just doesn't make sense. Because when people get sick, generally they get better or worse and I'm not. I'm the same level of sick I have been for four weeks now. What's your point, influenza?

I've eaten so little (and retained for any length of time, even less) that I should look like an Ethiopian fashion model. The other day, I ate 3/4 of a Lean Cuisine before feeling bloated and saying, "oog, that's enough of that noise". I told my friend about that and she said, "yuck, I'd rather eat the box." I said, "You're missing the point; it's not the quality of the Lean Cuisine, it's the quantity. Under normal circumstances, when I pick up a Lean Cuisine in the store, I can tell by the weight in my hand that it's not going to be enough to fill me up. Normally, I'd be inclined to slap two of them together around a paint stirrer and make a popsicle to eat between meals... and I couldn't finish one! Who does that?!?" Yesterday, I ate two eggs and a piece of ham for breakfast around 10am, had a grilled chicken sandwich and about half an order of fries before deciding that was too much of a chore for lunch around 4pm and a big bowl o' nothin' for din din. And I'm not even hungry.

This is almost as disturbing a development as the failure of my usual "go to" remedy for the flu. Typically, I can count on drinking gallons of orange juice, which is necessary to counteract the taste of Alka-Seltzer Plus, which tastes like ass soda but puts me into the coma I need to sleep the shit out of it. This time, it hasn't worked. Neither has NyQuil or Mucinex or Delsym or all the other stuff I've forgotten. I'm still at exactly the same level of congestion I have been for weeks.

Worst of all is this thing that has been happening where I cough so hard that my windpipe actually seals up and I can't breath for a few seconds. This usually, but not always, happens late at night. The first few times, it really scared me. I'd sit up in bed, gasping for air, flailing my arms, tears running down my face, life flashing before my eyes, all that stuff. Now, it's more of an annoyance. The other day it happened while I was driving and changing the radio station and I didn't stop doing either of those things. Sure, at that moment I was unable to draw oxygen into my body which is a life-threatening problem, but I'll be damned if I'm going out listening to REO Speedwagon.

All of this makes (some) people say to me, "I bet now you wish you'd gotten a flu shot." Oh yeah. Because if I had to do it all over again, I want someone to inject this directly into my body rather than take a chance of dodging it on my own. It's like telling someone who's been hit by a car while trying to cross the street, "I bet now you wish you'd just laid down in the street and let them run over your femurs."

Anyway, now you're all up to date. I'm either already dead or this level of illness is my life now. Actually, I feel pretty good today. I'm even seriously considering eating a meal.

3 comments:

Ruprecht said...

"The other day it happened while I was driving and changing the radio station and I didn't stop doing either of those things. Sure, at that moment I was unable to draw oxygen into my body which is a life-threatening problem, but I'll be damned if I'm going out listening to REO Speedwagon."

Even sick (or on the mend ... or dead ... or whatever you are) I'm chuckling.

So ... there's that ...

Tara Shrodes said...

I'm glad you're feeling better. Sorta. Maybe.
I went to the bar with Kevin Cronin once. He's actually pretty nice.

Do you think it may be time to purchase a Life Alert?

Jeff Hickmott said...

*koffkoffchokegaspsplutterkoffwheeeze*