Tuesday, August 08, 2006

This Little Piggy

I was lacking an effective method of collecting spare pocket change so I bought a piggybank the other day...but not just any standard issue piggybank. This is a talking, calculating piggybank. It looks just like the one pictured here, except it's purple. If you want one, you can buy one here: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2267562&cp=2256395.2256453&parentPage=family
Behold the conversation I had with my friend Kaye about it:
ME: Hi. I bought a battery operated purple piggy bank that talks and keeps track of the balance with a built-in calculator today.
ME: I know! I can't wait to get home and feed a pile of coins into his fat, purple piggy face: "How much do you have in you now, Piggy? Here, here's a quarter. Now how much is in you? Here's two dimes. How about now, Piggy? How much money do you have in you after I give you these 14 nickels? Huh, Piggy? HOW MUCH?!?". And that about sums up my plans for the rest of the week.
KAYE: So, does it speak or does it just have a read out screen? What does it do with dollar bills?
ME: It does both, Kaye! It. Does. Both! Sadly however, it does not recognize the dollar bills, so it is incapable of maintaining an accurate ledger with that particular currency.
KAYE: How much was it? And can it tell you how much it was?
ME: It was $15 and needs 3 AA batteries. Question; How awesome would it be if it could tell you that? Answer; So awesome I can't even tell you.

Needless to say, I could hardly wait to get it home, open it up and start saving, although I couldn't help wondering how much money I'd actually be able to keep in there. In spite of technological advances, the placement of any kind of computer processing unit capable of keeping track of multiple deposits and withdrawals, and communicating each of these transactions verbally must certainly reduce the actual coin storage space available. Ahh, no matter. I'm sure it can hold at least $10 in there.
I got the packaging open and discarded the manual (seriously, if I need a manual to operate even the most elaborate piggy bank ever invented, I have bigger problems than where to store my loose coin) I opened the little hatch on the piggy's belly and inserted the batteries. Immediately, it started talking. 'Feed me! Feed me! Feed me!'. "Whoa, little fella", I chuckled. "We'll get to that in just a minute or two. Just as soon as I can put the screw back in the battery hatch". I realized I had dropped the screw somewhere on the floor and the bank talked again 'I love small change'. "Heh heh, well, just hang on...trying to find the screw here...". I find the screw and now I'm putting it in the hole and can't seem to get it lined up when I get 'Feed me! Feed me! Feed me!' again. "All right, damn it!" Now the screw is lined up in the hole but it's one of those screws that can be a regular flathead or a Phillips but neither screwdriver seems to want to stay in the slot, so I'm struggling to get the thing tightened up. 'I'm saving for a rainy day!'
"Will you just shut up a goddamn minute?" 'Feed me! Feed me! Feed me!' "FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, OK!! HERE! HERE'S A QUARTER!!!" 'That was a quarter. A quarter is twenty five cents!' "I know. I just told you that!" 'I love small change!' "Small change? Guess what, asshole? A quarter is the most you're getting! It's all I have! Good grief, what do you want from me?!?"
It sat there for a minute or so as we had a Mexican standoff, it wanting more coins, me refusing to give in and then said 'Let's play again soon' and shut itself off. Oh yeah. We'll play again. Bet your purple ass and the .25 I just inserted in you on that!
Anyway, I've now put exactly $5.32 in it, but I wish I'd kept the manual because I can't figure out how to get the money out of it.

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