"You're one of us now. You've crossed the line. Upon receipt of this letter, it is now officially embarrassing for you to chase after young girls. Embrace your sudden hatred of current pop music and your newfound love of hard candy. We're AARP and we understand and care about you...although nobody else does."
B-but I don't like to act my age. I never have. When I was a little kid, I acted like an adult. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be 40. Mostly because John Lennon made 40 sound fantastic, even though he didn't get to be that age for very long. Throughout all of it, I've bought and played with toys and farts make me laugh. I'm still incredibly immature! I'm also selfish and spoiled and I've grown extremely fond of doing whatever I want and not doing anything I don't and I don't want to be old. Not out of some irrational fear of my mortality, just because it doesn't sound like much fun.
Doesn't matter. Once they hang a number on you, that's what you are.
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| I'm so old, I remember when CNN was credible and reliable |
Oh well. Guess I might as well embrace it. And by "embrace it", I mean pick and choose what aspects suit me, as in perks, and ignore all the rest of it. That's right, I'm going to be that old guy in front of you, hanging up the line and demanding my senior discount, and screw you, that's why. I'm old now. I may have fought in any number of wars for your worthless, ungrateful ass. I didn't, but that's besides the point. The music you like blows.
In that spirit, I looked up a list of what I get now, and this is it:
RESTAURANTS:
•Krispy Kreme: 10% off
•Shoney’s: 10% off
•Steak ‘n Shake: 10% off every Monday & Tuesday
•Tea Room Cafe: 10% off
RETAIL & APPAREL:
•Bealls: 20% off first Tuesday of each month
•Big Lots: 30% off
•C.J. Banks: 10% off every Wednesday
•Goodwill: 10% off one day a week (date varies by location)
•Hallmark: 10% off one day a week (date varies by location)
•Rite Aid: 10% off on Tuesdays & 10% off prescriptions
GROCERY :
•American Discount Stores: 10% off every Monday
•Hy-Vee: 5% off one day a week (date varies by location)
•Kroger: 10% off (date varies by location)
•The Plant Shed: 10% off every Tuesday
TRAVEL :
•Continental Airlines: no initiation fee for Continental Presidents Club & special fares for select destinations
•Trailways Transportation System: various discounts for ages 50+
•Mainstay Suites: 10% off with Mature Traveler’s Discount (50+)
ACTIVITIES & ENTERTAINMENT:
•Busch Gardens Tampa, FL: $13 off one-day tickets
•Cinemark/Century Theaters: up to 35% off
•SeaWorld, Orlando , FL : $3 off one-day tickets
CELL PHONE DISCOUNTS:
•Jitterbug: $10/month cell phone service
That's it? Seems pretty skimpy, compared to what I get if I'm willing to stay alive long enough:
RESTAURANTS:
•Applebee’s: 15% off with Golden Apple Card (60+)
•Arby’s: 10% off ( 55 +)
•Ben & Jerry’s: 10% off (60+)
•Bennigan’s: discount varies by location (60+)
•Bob’s Big Boy: discount varies by location (60+)
•Boston Market: 10% off (65+)
•Burger King: 10% off (60+)
•Chick-Fil-A: 10% off or free small drink or coffee ( 55+)
•Chili’s: 10% off ( 55+)
•CiCi’s Pizza: 10% off (60+)
•Denny’s: 10% off, 20% off for AARP members ( 55 +)
•Dunkin’ Donuts: 10% off or free coffee ( 55+)
•Einstein’s Bagels: 10% off baker’s dozen of bagels (60+)
•Fuddrucker’s: 10% off any senior platter ( 55+)
•Gatti’s Pizza: 10% off (60+)
•Golden Corral: 10% off (60+)
•Hardee’s: $0.33 beverages everyday (65+)
•IHOP: 10% off ( 55+)
•Jack in the Box: up to 20% off ( 55+)
•KFC: free small drink with any meal ( 55+)
•Long John Silver’s: various discounts at locations ( 55+)
•McDonald’s: discounts on coffee everyday ( 55+)
•Mrs. Fields: 10% off at participating locations (60+)
•Sonic: 10% off or free beverage (60+)
•Sweet Tomatoes: 10% off (62+)
•Taco Bell : 5% off; free beverages for seniors (65+)
•TCBY: 10% off ( 55+)
•Village Inn: 10% off (60+)
•Waffle House: 10% off every Monday (60+)
•Wendy’s: 10% off ( 55 +)
•Whataburger: 10% off (62+)
•White Castle: 10% off (62+)
RETAIL & APPAREL:
•Belk’s: 15% off first Tuesday of every month ( 55 +)
•Bon-Ton Department Stores: 15% off on senior discount days ( 55 +)
•Clarks : 10% off (62+)
•Dress Barn: 20% off ( 55+)
•Kohl’s: 15% off (60+)
•Ross Stores: 10% off every Tuesday ( 55+)
•The Salvation Army Thrift Stores: up to 50% off ( 55+)
•Stein Mart: 20% off red dot/clearance items first Monday of every month ( 55 +)
GROCERY:
•Albertson’s: 10% off first Wednesday of each month ( 55 +)
•Compare Foods Supermarket: 10% off every Wednesday (60+)
•DeCicco Family Markets: 5% off every Wednesday (60+)
•Fry’s Supermarket: free Fry’s VIP Club Membership & 10% off every Monday ( 55 +)
•Great Valu Food Store: 5% off every Tuesday (60+)
•Gristedes Supermarket: 10% off every Tuesday (60+)
•Harris Teeter: 5% off every Tuesday (60+)
•Morton Williams Supermarket: 5% off every Tuesday (60+)
•Publix: 15% off every Wednesday ( 55 +)
•Rogers Marketplace: 5% off every Thursday (60+)
•Uncle Guiseppe’s Marketplace: 15% off (62+)
TRAVEL:
•Alaska Airlines: 50% off (65+)
•American Airlines: various discounts for 50% off non-peak periods (Tuesdays – Thursdays) (62+)
•Southwest Airlines: various discounts (65+)
•United Airlines: various discounts (65+)
•U.S. Airways: various discounts (65+)
•Amtrak: 15% off (62+)
•Greyhound: 15% off (62+)
•Holiday Inn: 20-40% off depending on location (62+)
•Best Western: 40% off (55+)
•Cambria Suites: 20%-30% off (60+)
•Waldorf Astoria – NYC $5,000 off nightly rate for Presidential Suite (55 +)
•Clarion Motels: 20%-30% off (60+)
•Comfort Inn: 20%-30% off (60+)
•Comfort Suites: 20%-30% off (60+)
•Econo Lodge: 40% off (60+)
•Hyatt Hotels: 25%-50% off (62+)
•InterContinental Hotels Group: various discounts at all hotels (65+)
•Mainstay Suites: 10% off with Mature Traveler’s Discount (50+); 20%-30% off (60+)
•Marriott Hotels: 25% off (62+)
•Motel 6: Stay Free Sunday nights (60+)
•Myrtle Beach Resort: 30% off ( 55 +)
•Quality Inn: 40%-50% off (60+)
•Rodeway Inn: 20%-30% off (60+)
•Sleep Inn: 40% off (60+)
ACTIVITIES & ENTERTAINMENT:
•AMC Theaters: up to 30% off ( 55 +)
•Bally Total Fitness: $100 off memberships (62+)
•Carmike Cinemas: 35% off (65+) •U.S. National Parks: $10 lifetime pass; 50% off additional services including camping (62+)
CELL PHONE DISCOUNTS:
•AT&T: Special Senior Nation 200 Plan $19.99/month (65+)
•Verizon Wireless: Verizon Nationwide 65 Plus Plan $29.99/month (65+)
MISCELLANEOUS:
•Great Clips: $8 off haircuts (60+)
•Supercuts: $8 off haircuts (60+)
That's baloney. They're saving all the good stuff for all the REALLY old people! In that case, forget it. I refuse the AARP letter on the grounds that I'm not old. To celebrate this fact, I'm going to go build something with Legos and then go chase some college girls... although I do feel like taking a nap first.
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