There's fame and then there's FAME

People ask me if I want to be famous. Well, yeah. Of course I do. Between the blog and the podcasts and the stand-up comedy and all the other attention seeking activities I indulge in, it would be disingenuous to claim otherwise. I'm selfish, though. I want a certain, very manageable level of fame. Because there is fame and then there's FAME. I certainly don't want my name and face on a fleet of semi-truck trailers. That's way, way, way too much pressure and I don't know how people deal with that. 

No, I want to be famous like curling is famous in the Winter Olympics. Every four years, if people would find me quirky and interesting enough to be amused and pay attention to me for two weeks or so, that would be just about perfect, I think.

A baseball bargain!

Good people, hear now the words that are leaving my face...

You like baseball.

You love baseball.

Even though the Tampa Bay Lightning will be heading into the NHL playoffs, with the intent of once again winning the most holiest of chalices, the Stanley friggin' Cup, your love for the baseball is so intense that you need to be at the Opening Day game of the Tampa Bay Rays 2015 season on April 6th.

But your dilemma is how can you possibly obtain four lower level seats for less than $60? Everyone knows that the only people who can afford lower level seats to a sporting event are sultans from oil-producing micro-nations, and even then, the seats cost hundreds of thousands of dollars each.

NOT SO, PEANUTS AND CRACKERJACK BREATH!

All you have to do is go here: http://www.raysbaseball.com/friendsandfamily and enter the promo code of BROO7 and you will get a 4-Pack of Lower Level Tickets for just $55.30 (which includes a minimal convenience fee). That's less than $14.00 each! 

IT'S LEGITIMATE! IT'S THE TRUTH! IT'S BASEBALL, EVERYBODY! GO NUTS!!

Stand-up update: save the date!

(WARNING: What follows is a gratuitous plug. Sorry.)

Hey there.
I've been sharing my schedule of open mic appearances but there's one I'd like to highlight...

COMICS NIGHT OUT

Sunday, May 17, 2015 - 9:00PM

Side Splitters, Tampa

12938 North Dale Mabry Highway

Tampa, FL 33618

This will be a special night for me for a couple of reasons. One, it will be my first time at Side Splitters which is my favorite comedy club. I've seen so many great shows there over the years, it will be a real thrill to perform there. Two, I think my act and performance will be polished enough to really merit sharing it with people I like and respect (you). Meaning, I should be better at this show than I have been at previous ones. Of course, if you think I suck and you hope I bomb, it is a live performance and any number of things could go horribly wrong so you might still be in luck.
So basically, this is an invitation to share what should be a special night with me and/or this is an invitation to watch me eat it on a grand scale. Don't feel obligated to let me know which side you're on. As long as you show up, it doesn't really matter.
Thanks.

Despotic fascism never tasted so good!

This would be funnier if it wasn't coming from another global corporation that rakes in billions of dollars through the sale of shitty "food", but oh well. Make my dystopia to go!

Out sick

No "real" blog post today, just this brief note to tell you that.. well, there's no "real" blog post today. I'm sick with a crazy fever and have been fading back and forth between levels of lucidity and coherence. Also, every part of my body that can produce some sort of liquid seems to be in competition with each other to see who can make the most come out of the most unique orifices. The fever part is kind of neat though; I think Santa Claus and some monster clowns came over yesterday after I had turned into a little girl. That was pretty cool, if it happened.
Also, a single cup of Jell-o makes me feel bloated like Thanksgiving dinner, which is interesting.
Anywho, back to bed I go.

Your pre-eclipse guide to freaking out

"This is the Earth's first — and only — total solar eclipse of the year and the first one since November 2013, NASA reports. The next total solar eclipse in the USA will be in August 2017." - WTSP.com

Before you freak out, understand that it's not even going to be visible in the United States, which basically means it doesn't even count as a real eclipse. If this had been an actual eclipse, you would have been able to expect the following...

• Try to tune into local radio emergency broadcasts, as if any would be able to still be on the air, idiot.
• Bang pots and pans to scare away demons and giant, mythical bears, dragons, dogs, jaguars and turtles trying to eat the sun.
• Prepare for disasters and destruction.
• Keep all pregnant women indoors.
• Don't eat anything, as food prepared during an eclipse is poisonous and impure.
• Declare yourself Ni-Kjel-Ba'ack, harbinger of doom and master of ancient serpents. 
• Increase your number of followers as Ni-Kjel-Ba'ack by wearing a sweet amulet.
• Make pregnant women wear red pants so as to prevent them from giving birth to deranged Moon Beetles.

Again, as stated above, none of these measures will be necessary as this is taking place in Whogivesashitland, which is far, far way from America.

There will, however be a correspondent supermoon, which will be visible everywhere that is currently moon-eligible (if your sky normally has a moon in it, you will be getting a supermoon). Please do this...

•  Make plans to see me doing stand-up comedy at Side Splitters here in Tampa on Sunday night, May 17th. 

What does this have to do with the supermoon? Nothing. I never said it did. Relax, it's just a big moon. What are you afraid of. Calm down. Geez.

Not exactly 'Santaland Diaries' but as close as I've got

I think this blog has been a little too current events-y as of late and that means it hasn't been very funny, because current events aren't funny, Let's take a step back. Let's take lots of steps back, all the way back to my third grade social studies class at Lybrook Elementary, home of the Beavers!

There I was, eight-years-old, sitting in Mrs. Reed's class and she was telling us all about Christopher Columbus and how he discovered America. 

"I've done it! I've discovered America! I am the man!"

She was talking about how brave he was because back then, people thought the Earth was flat and if you sailed to the horizon you would just fall right off the edge. 

"Gyah! Reverse! Hit the brakes!"

We found that hilarious, "Ha ha ha! How stupid people must have been back in the old days!" Mrs. Reed explained that it's not that they were stupid and that sometimes people just happen to share a belief that has yet to be disproved. 

“For example”, she said, “how old were you when you found out that Santa Claus isn't real?” Suddenly eyes widened around the classroom as 30 little individuals silently experienced existential horror for the first time. 

"Well gee, Mrs. Reed, what time is it right this exact minute?"

Of course, none of us wanted to admit that we were finding out for the first time that the very foundation of our carefully cultivated belief system, the primary philosophy upon which we based our behavior and how we dealt with our fellow man, was based entirely on a web of lies foisted upon us by our parents. Thus we were introduced to not only the concept of conspiracy theories (suddenly, so many things actually made sense!) but also the fundamentally unhealthy practice of hiding our true feelings behind a facade of affected indifference. 

"Yeah, I knew all along that shit wasn't real.
What? No, I have NOT been crying!"

It’s interesting to note that at no point did she bother to explain that Columbus didn't discover shit, that he never actually set foot in or even saw what we know as America, because he basically got lost and when he finally arrived somewhere, he thought it was fucking India, plus all the rape and the disease and the slavery and the genocide. 

"Okay, maybe I'm not the man but I am a person of interest."

She didn't think it was at all important to even mention any of that, choosing instead to assassinate Santa Claus and make us bear witness. Is it any wonder why I hated school? 

The first time I ever told this story was on The Spike On The Mic Show, a moment that was captured and preserved, along with other hilariously awful childhood memories from everyone else on the show, on a "Best Of..." compilation. If you don't listen to the show (and if not, for the love of God, why?) or if you just want some kind of a souvenir that you can actually hold in your hand as well as listen to, either let me know or go to SpikeOnTheMic.com and we'll get you one.

I have birthdays coming up, and some of you are gonna be in big trouble

• Basketball TV announcer Dick Vitale planted a big wet smooch on Ashley Judd yesterday. He's 75, she's hot.
• In 2003, 60-something-years-old Joe Namath tried to make out with sideline reporter Suzy Kolber during a televised football game.
• In 2013, a 73-year-old Brent Musburger slobbered (verbally) all over Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron's girlfriend Katherine Webb during the national championship game.

Yeah, my latest birthday was just last month, but I have more coming up (hopefully) and each one brings me closer to that magical age, the age when I can be a crazy old man who can do whatever
I want (even more so than I do now). And as much as I love the Indiana Jones movies, I promise you I'm far more inclined to emulate the behavior of the old perverts listed above than I am to go around crashing airplanes. 

Consider yourselves warned.

That's admirable. I guess.

"Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening." - - Coco Chanel

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." - - Oscar Wilde

Actor, comedian and TV personality Kathy Griffin has resigned from her role as one of the hosts of E!'s Fashion Police, due in large part to her objection to the show's tendency to criticize people (celebrities) for their physical appearance. Here's her "resignation" as posted on Twitter:

Well, good for her. She's choosing to give up what is probably a pretty lucrative gig because she's taking a personal stand against a form of bullying. That is an admirable thing to do and most of us wouldn't have the guts to do it.
Of course, one has to wonder what she was really expecting when she signed on to do the show in the first place. I've never seen the show but when I see the title "Fashion Police" and this is the first photo to pop up in a Google search...

... I know exactly what the show is all about; bitchy people sitting around and making mean and shitty little comments about what people look like, for the smug satisfaction of the audience at home, many of whom are soaking up the snark as they dribble ice cream down the front of their Eeyore pajamas. This kind of show exists to tear people down and there is not a lot of meaningful feedback and encouragement forthcoming. They're the Fashion Police, everybody! Did Kathy Griffin really think she'd be able to somehow infuse a show like this with "intelligent humor" and be "smart, irreverent and unafraid in an observational way that is candid, honest and justified" when it exists for the sole purpose of ridiculing people for the way they look? I mean, she did pose for this cast photo...

You kinda have to figure she knew what she had signed up for.

It's still impressive that she took a stand based on her personal convictions and beliefs, though. So, you know, good for her. Like I said, most of us wouldn't have the guts to do likewise. It would be great if most of us just had the guts to not make it profitable to have shows like "Fashion Police" on the air.

The adorable antics of frat boys

Remember the classic comedy "Animal House"? I sure do, it's my favorite movie of all time! In it, a group of underachieving-but-lovable members of the misfit fraternity Delta Tau Chi took revenge against the fascist rule of Faber College and the bullying uber-WASPs of rival fraternity Omega Theta Pi by causing mayhem at the homecoming parade.

Well, that kind of (relatively) harmless hi-jinks might have been fine for a 1978 film depicting college life in 1962. But these days, our demands and tolerances are much more highly elevated, if not evolved. Thankfully(?), when it comes to "a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part". our modern day frats are just the guys to do it. Specifically, Sigma Alpha Epsilon, the frat that the Omegas in "Animal House" were based on...

• The national headquarters for Sigma Alpha Epsilon is closing its chapter at the University of Oklahoma after video surfaced Sunday of members on a bus singing racist lyrics about their fraternity. SAE's national office called the video "inappropriate" and said it was "disgusted" by its members behavior. - Huffington Post, 3/8/15

That, after this SAE incident in St. Louis back in 2013.

Maybe it's time for somebody to grab the bull by the balls and put his foot down...

Mt. Everest: health hazard

Pictured: 99% poop

"Human waste left by climbers on Mount Everest has become a problem that is causing pollution and threatening to spread disease on the world’s highest peak, the chief of Nepal’s mountaineering association said Tuesday (3/3/15).
The more than 700 climbers and guides who spend nearly two months on Everest’s slopes each climbing season leave large amounts of faeces and urine, and the issue has not been addressed, Ang Tshering told reporters." - The Guardian.com

Could there possibly be a more emphatic statement of our disdain for this planet, Earth, the only one where we can currently live, at least in terms of our own selfish desires, than this? Hundreds of people gather every year at the base of this most majestic and spectacular monument to the powers of nature and creation... so they can shit on it.

“Climbers usually dig holes in the snow for their toilet use and leave the human waste there,” Tshering said, adding that the waste has been “piling up” for years around the four camps.

Shocker. They know what gear to buy, including $800 sleeping bags from The North Face and $50 water bottles from Wherever You Would Buy Something Like That, yet they don't know how snow works. Lovely.
We're referring of course to the handful of narcissists who do things like climb mountains and swim between continents and jump out of spacecraft for no other purpose than satisfying their own personal whims and egos. "Oh no," you say. "Those people are heroes!" Are they? What's heroic about it? How are they helping humanity? What disease are they curing? Whose puppy is being rescued? "Accomplishing" something is not necessarily a heroic act. Need help telling the difference? Easy. If somebody ever says, "Whoo! I did it!", they're not a hero. George Mallory, who died trying to climb Everest in the 1920s, before it became a hobby, was once asked "Why do you want to climb Mount Everest?", to which he replied "Because it's there". Here we are about 100 years later and the answer is, "Because I feel like it." Of course they're going to go up there for no other reason than the thrill of taking a dookie at 20,000 feet above sea level.

"Fuck! I can't see my house from up here."

Get down from there, you jerks. You have no good reason to do what you're doing. The only thing you can do from on top of a mountain is look at stuff that's easier to see from down here. And relieve yourself. Get back down here where your waste products can be dealt with correctly and stop treating the world's marvels like a bus station restroom.

Podcast time: an interview with the remarkably diverse Emily Nipps

Emily Nipps, rocking out

Emily Nipps is the Communications Manager at Tampa International Airport, one of the most highly-ranked airports in the world in terms of customer satisfaction. She's also the bassist for all-female punk band "Doll Parts". She has a pet pig. And chickens. Plus, while with the St. Petersburg/Tampa Bay Times as a reporter, she was knee-deep in monkey business when the stray, feral, rhesus macaque was running around Pinellas County a while back, which landed her on "The Colbert Report".
Let's see if we can find something interesting to talk about in this edition of The Ridiculously Inconsistent Podcast.

Emily Nipps, at work and responding to interview requests from creepy bloggers

Racism is over (unless you read the comments)!

A lot of people want to believe racism is a thing of the distant past.

"Hey, slavery ended hundreds of years ago. I didn't have anything to do with it! Why can't people let go of the past and focus on the present and future, now that there are no more problems and all individuals are treated equally? Just get over it already!"

That's fine, except for the fact that none of it is true.
Take a look at what people (albeit, most of them hiding behind an alias because even though it seems they sincerely believe this shit, they lack the courage and conviction to put their real names behind it) have to say about a trailer that shows a black male actor (Will Smith) kissing a white female actor (Margot Robbie) in a movie ("Focus").

"Welcome to Earth"

"Race mixing is literally sick. Gene incompatibility creates a host of physical and mental problems. Jews love to promote sickness and evil."

"Every-one hates Niggers. The Tolerance Train has CRASHED! Buh bye Congoids! This ridiculous agitprop piece will FAIL."

"Wake up White people. You see it, don't you? Everywhere they push this. They have gotten bold, and the anti-white propaganda is everywhere in the media before your eyes. Are you going to stand for it? Are you going to just watch as your European race is annihilated in a very slow and cruel manner?"

"Daily reminder that the Jews who own the media are pushing race mixing and this is a very obvious example and clear evidence. The idea of the movie is boring and shitty. It's entirely a propaganda piece."

"pure blood in the most important thing- after we are dead that is how we live on - I can still trace my pure blood back to Germany and Luxembourg from 400 years ago and I would never taint that with mud people blood"

"race is disgusting mixing and despite the Hollywood jews' best efforts public approval of it continues to drop"

"I just want to point out some facts. This movie was greenlighted by Warner Brothers President of Creative, Greg Silverman (Jewish), who only answers to the WB CEO, at the time it was Barry Meyer (Jewish).  If you look up the top CEO's of Hollywood production companies you see that they are ALL Jewish. They are proven racists, (Sony CEO has emails to prove it). So when I read claims that race mixing is a Jewish conspiracy, it has some credibility since they are the ones greenlighting this film. Possibly with a social agenda?"

"The propaganda of hollywood is to create an image for the way they want people to live. mix raced children are certain to not look anything like either of their parents alienating them from their culture and destroying their personal identity!"

"Another attempt by jew run hollyweird to push race mixing"

"This film is being used by Jews to promote race mixing between White women and Black males.  Let’s hope this film bombs spectacularly.  Send a message to the Jews that we don’t want to see any of their disgusting race mixing propaganda by boycotting this crap film."

Hey, if the movie is boring and shitty (which it could very well be), I reserve the right to make that judgment myself, based more on how I feel about wasting $12 than whether black dudes and white chicks are gettin' it on, okay? Anyway, for anybody who thinks it's been candy corn and rainbows since September 3, 1945, if not January 2, 1863, keep in mind that people who believe these things are out there, people with the ability (and freedom) to breed and spread these ideas to children. Cowering behind computer screens and highly unlikely to get laid in most cases maybe, but still. The point is there are miles and miles and miles to go before it's a reasonable option for everybody to "just get over it".

Bitches be gynecological!

"BOISE, Idaho — An Idaho lawmaker received a brief lesson on female anatomy after asking if a woman can swallow a small camera for doctors to conduct a remote gynecological exam.
The question Monday from Republican state Rep. Vito Barbieri came as the House State Affairs Committee heard nearly three hours of testimony on a bill that would ban doctors from prescribing abortion-inducing medication through telemedicine.
Barbieri later said that the question was rhetorical and intended to make a point.
Dr. Julie Madsen, a physician who said she has provided various telemedicine services in Idaho, was testifying in opposition to the bill. She said some colonoscopy patients may swallow a small device to give doctors a closer look at parts of their colon.
"Can this same procedure then be done in a pregnancy? Swallowing a camera and helping the doctor determine what the situation is?" Barbieri asked.
Madsen replied that would be impossible because swallowed pills do not end up in the vagina." - Minneapolis Star Tribune, Feb 24, 2015

Well, geez. How in the world are we middle-aged males in positions of authority that impact legislature directly related to health care for women, like Rep. Barberi here, supposed to know what in the hell you gals got goin' on down there if we don't ask stupid rhetorical questions? In case it isn't clear by now, we just don't get it!

"Don't even try to tell me there's no such thing as vagina cameras!"

This isn't for lack of trying, believe me. Ever since the 1950's, when you ladies first allowed us men to have sex with them, we have dedicated a lot of time and effort to being granted permission to get in there and check things out thoroughly for up to 15 minutes at a time (if necessary). In addition, we do extensive research on the internet (you would not believe how many web sites are dedicated to the thorough examination of vagina swallowing). We rely on research done by pioneers of science.

Science confirms: Icky.

It's just not enough, though. We (dudes) have to do better. You (chicks) are counting on us. This is the sexual health equivalent of opening a jar of pickles! Sure, there are alternatives, such as trained medical professionals and women and both of those together. But this is about us, and all we know is that if we swallow some kind of pill camera, it will definitely come out of our butts eventually! Beyond, that it's all so much Chinese vagina arithmetic.

"I'm not even sure you're holding that right-side-up."

At the end of the day, we just don't know enough about your various neeners and hoo-hahs. Are they all connected somehow? Why do they all look different? Are women magic? WE DON'T KNOW! Being secretly terrified of you and your stuff isn't helping. So unless something changes dramatically, we have no choice but to stick with what really hasn't been working; generally poking around indiscriminately and making shit up as we go (NOTE: This last bit doesn't apply exclusively to medical research... heh heh heh!).

Stand-up schedule for the week of March 1 - 7

Due to a busy work week, just one outing this week...

Friday, March 6, some time after 7pm

Tre Amici @ the Ybor Bunker

1907 19th St. N. (Ybor City)

PRO TIP: Get there early enough and you might be able to park for free.

Just remember allllllllllllllllllllllllll the caveats...

• This is an open mic. If you're coming out to see me, that's awfully sweet and I'm sincerely flattered but it's not like I'm a headliner or a featured act. In fact, there's no guarantee that I'll even make it on stage. 
• This is an open mic. In many cases, people are working on untested, raw material. Others are inexperienced performers looking for an opportunity to rehearse. And some people are both of those things. As such, the perceived quality of the performances from an audience expecting a polished, show-bizzy "show", may/will vary wildly. 
• This is an open mic, consisting of live performances by live performers. There's no way of predicting what will (or won't) happen. 
• Also, if you've seen me before, expect to see pretty much the same act. Practice makes adequate, you know.

Thanks to everyone who showed up last Tuesday. That was actually more fun than I expected it to be. Not that I doubted it would be fun to see you, but you know. It was nice to have My People there, that's all.

And of course, always remember and never forget...

The Spike on the Mic Show

Every Monday (mostly)

LIVE from Pin Chasers Midtown

4847 N. Armenia Avenue (Tampa)

Join us in person for a chance to win a FREE* sponge bath from one of the cast or just listen along at spikeonthemic.com

* Winner is responsible to provide own sponge and bathing facility and accouterments.