- "But Hillary..." Seems like if your guy was halfway decent, you could say something good about him without deflecting attention to his opponent.
- "He's joking!" Oh, I get it. They don't know that jokes are supposed to be funny.
- "He's being quoted out of context!" That's what Trump himself usually says.
Actually, that last one sounds like fun. So here's
MY INTERVIEW WITH A TOTALLY OUT-OF-CONTEXT DONALD TRUMP*
 |
| In the spirit of this article, here's a picture of Donald Trump, altered to make him look sillier than he does in real life. To the best of my knowledge, Donald Trump has never actually uttered the phrase "Bibbity dibbity blee bleh blah". But in my defense, I actually wrote this a week ago. So all bets are off, I guess. |
ME: Mr. Trump, you were recently criticized for wanting a baby removed from one of your speaking engagements. Do you have a problem with all babies or just that baby?
TRUMP: She's a very dishonest person.
ME: She's a baby! She was just being a fussy baby!
TRUMP: I have one of the great temperaments. I have a winning temperament. She has a bad temperament. She's weak. We need a strong temperament. And that's all it is. I have a strong temperament.
ME: I don't think getting in a fight with a baby is a good...
TRUMP: I know how to win.
ME: Well, sure, in a fight with a baby...
TRUMP: I have a temperament where I know how to win. She doesn't know how to win. Honestly, she lies a lot. And she really - she should tell - the truth.
ME: Wow! You make that baby seem like a real piece of shit!
TRUMP: You understand that. And it turned out I was right. A lotta people gave me credit for that.
ME: This kinda makes me wonder. Do you have some sort of history with this baby? Have you encountered this particular baby before?
TRUMP: I don't think I've ever met him. I never met him. I don't think I've ever met him.
ME: Oh, is it a male baby? I thought...
TRUMP: I think so. Yeah, I think so. So I've - I don't think I've ever met him. I mean, if he's in the same room or something, but I don't think so.
ME: But you were in the same room. The room from which you want this baby of suddenly unknown gender removed. Remember?
TRUMP: I have never spoken to him on the phone, no. I've spe - I've spoken - when we had the Miss Universe contest a number of years ago, we had Miss Universe in Moscow, in the Moscow area. He was invited. He wanted to come. He wasn't able to come. That would've been a time when I would've met him.
ME: How old would he - or she - have been then??
TRUMP: I'm gonna take a look at it.
ME: So it sounds like there is some sort of pre-existing relationship between you and this baby.
TRUMP: I had - no, I - look. What - what do you call a relationship? I mean, he treats me - No, just so you understand, he said very nice things about me. But I have no relationship with him. I don't - I've never met him - Well, I don't know what it means by having a relationship. I mean, he was saying very good things about me. But I don't have a relationship with him. I didn't meet him. I haven't spent time with him. I didn't have dinner with him. I didn't - go hiking with him. I don't know - I - I wouldn't know him from Adam except I see his picture, and I would know what he looks like.
ME: Maybe he was wearing clothing from your line. Do you or any of your companies have anything to do with designing or manufacturing baby clothes?
TRUMP: That was all because of me.
ME: Oh? You're actively involved in the production of clothes for babies?
TRUMP: I wasn't involved in that. Honestly, I was not involved -
ME: Wait. You just said...
TRUMP: You look at suits and ties and shirts. You look at - steel. You look at so many different things.
ME: You make baby clothes out of steel?!?
TRUMP: They make 'em in very small - 3 percent of our product is made in apparel. And much of the material comes from overseas.
ME: Still. It seems like metallic clothing would be very uncomfortable. Maybe that's why the baby was crying.
TRUMP: They softened it, I heard. But I was not involved.
ME: I'm not sure I understand what's happening here...
TRUMP: I think the voter understands it. Because they understand that I s - you - you know, you're not reinventing the wheel here with these questions. These questions get asked all the time.
ME: Okay then.
* This has been a totally out-of-context interview with Donald Trump. All the quotes attributed to Mr. Trump in this interview were taken from this interview with Mr. Trump. Go ahead and read the whole transcript for yourself and see if they're any less silly in context.
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